Want to Help SIL Who Cant Seem to Move past a Breakup

Updated on January 23, 2012
A.C. asks from Morehead, KY
5 answers

Seeking advice on how to help my sister in law. My SIL and I are very close; we hang out 1-2 times a week and have a great time. We confide in each other, and I see her as one of my best friends.
SIL is 24 and I am 31. We are in very different places in life- she is single, childless, and is relatively new to this city (lived here about a year, moved from about 1.5 hrs away). I am married with 3 kids. Perhaps because I am older, I can see that a lot of her behaviors are destructive to herself and others, and I want to help her without pushing her away.
So, the main issue is she and her boyfriend broke up over a year ago. They had dated 4 years. She is still having a very hard time dealing with the breakup. She will be happy some days, but often she will start bawling out of nowhere, and she will either call me or show up at our house for comfort. She also becomes enraged often- she found out he was dating a friend of hers and said she smashed her guitar and coffee table to pieces, and then last week she found out he was in town and she sent him some extremely mean and threatening messages. She also seems to just keep "going back for more", she seems incapable of cutting off contact with him, and this is totally prolonging the process.
It seems strange to me that she is still so mad about this break up that she is bawling and going into rages. What do you think? Should I suggest that she maybe see a counselor about this? And what can I do to help her? I am always at a loss when she comes to me about this, I keep encouraging her to work on improving her own life and having fun with friends so she can gain confidence and move past this, but I am starting to feel like a broken record!

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M.M.

answers from Lake Charles on

You need to be blunt, you love her so yeah tell it to her straight. You don't need to feed her rainbows and sunshine about "working on her". He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you. This was a year ago. He still does not want to be with you and never will. Stop wasting your time being emotionally tied to him when he doesn't care about you. I had to tell this to my SIL too.. luckily she figured it out before a year passed! If you need to be less blunt buy her the book "He's Just Not That Into You" it's AMAZING and my daughter will have read it before she even has her first boyfriend! Seriously, tell her to grow up, you're her SIL and you can give honest advice. Once she realizes he will never care about her or want to be with her again she'll get over it, you just have to get her to realize it's really really really really really (no matter what) over. forever. good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

C.P.

answers from Columbia on

Her strange behavior could be the reason she's single.

She might be the common denominator in her failed relationships. Just a thought.

1 mom found this helpful
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W..

answers from Chicago on

Yes, this woman needs professional counseling and possibly medication. One year is FAR TOO LONG to still be that angry over a breakup without professional intervention. Additionally, her behavior is inappropriate, bordering on illegal and she may face legal trouble if she keeps going the way she's going.

I think it's great that you want to help her, but you are married with kids. So, that needs to be your focus.

I wish her the best of luck and hope that she gets help so that she can be happy.

1 mom found this helpful
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P.B.

answers from Spartanburg on

Wow, she sure sounds a little psychish with the destructive rage and all...what's up with that? Just be patient and let her "cook in her own broth" by limiting your advice and comments. Sooner or later she'll be tired of the same ol' subject. In the meantime, poor you!

S.A.

answers from Chicago on

Yes, I think suggesting she see a counselor is a good idea. She should have been able to move on by now.

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