Waiting to Adopt!

Here is a wonderful blog written by a mom who has adopted two children and has a large collection of adoption resources, including many links to blogs of other parents who are waiting to adopt or who have adopted.

http://therhouse.blogspot.com/

Hi,

I didn't adopt but have a few friends that did. I also had severe infertility issues before getting pg with IVF (not until the 3rd try and after 5 years of actively trying to get pg.)

Not quite the same as you but the best advice I got was to not feel sorry for myself (hard for me to hear, but true) because everyone has problems, they are all just different, and to think of waiting for a baby as a journey that will eventually end with a baby.

Every time you start becoming obsessive, try to distract your thoughts by keeping busy doing something else that is completely unrelated to adoption, preparing for a child, etc. Avoid baby showers and the baby section in stores if these places make you hurt too badly, and send baby gifts to your friends as needed by buying them something online like children's books, so you don't have to go to the store, and then excuse yourself from the shower with a white lie, like a previous engagement.

If you have lots of friends that like to sit and talk about childbirth and how obnoxious their kids are, avoid those situations (not your friends) by excusing yourself to do something more positive and fun. But listen to them in the back of your mind about how hard it is to be a parent, because it is true, even though you don't want to hear it.

Finally, people say hurtful, insensitive things to you, but don't take it personally. Realize that no one is intending purposely to hurt you, even if they say something really stupid and insensitive like, "if you want a baby so bad, have mine! he's a brat!" or "once you adopt, you'll be pregnant right away." Just smile and don't let it get under your skin because 99% of people say these comments without having a clue how hurtful they are.

Let me know if you ever need to talk,
Marci

Hello M.,
The peaks and valleys of adoption are one of many emotional trials you will go through. We too were waiting to adopt our wonderful child. We continually prayed each day during our wait. We had to keep reminding ourselves that God has a plan for us. We had two different situations were we were to be parents in "the next few days" and then it did not work out. We were blessed with the experiences since there were many positive things that came out of each experience. We knew that things happen for a reason and we found what those reasons were and kept praying.

We did not know if He intended for us to have a child or if He had other plans for us in our lives. We had gotten to the point in our search that we were feeling that He had other plans for us. At this point we prayed even more to find the answer for what He wanted us to do in our lives. We also took the time to LISTEN to what He was telling us.(Slow down and listen.) I often times forget to do that.

God has a plan for you and your husband that he has not revealed to you yet. Keep seeking His word for He has an answer for you.

Also, you are a women, women are made differently than men. Remember, if you want to take a certain amount of time each day and cry some of your emotions out, why go for it!! There is nothing wrong with that. It took me a few years to realize that it is ok to do this. It releases a lot of your stress and it is healthy.

Ask others to pray for your guidance and direction in your own prayers. This helped us tremendously!

One more thing, remember who you are now don't loose sight of yourself during this process. I did for awhile and it was not healthy. Keep doing the things you have always done before you started your search for a child. Go to the rec center, go for your walks, play with your pets, go shopping, have lunch with the girls, make a play date for yourself, perhaps get a massage, love your husband and continue to communicate with one another.

Remember others care about you, don't shut yourself out of your friendship circles. Let them know that you feel down or depressed and let them help keep you motivated and active. I did not do this for myself and (hind-sight is 20/20). Friends are so important to keep you up-lifted!

Take care of yourself and go on a date with that wonderful man of yours!

Sincerely,
R.

M.-

Yeah!! Congratulations on your decision to adopt! We adopted both our babies and it was such a wonderful, amazing experience. They are 7 1/2 and almost 5yrs now and doing great! I also have a niece that's adopted and we have cousins that have adopted - so we have a lot of experience in our family. :)

What helped me through the wait and anxiety was praying and talking to my husband. We knew there was a baby out there for us and we knew it would happen when it was supposed to - and it did - twice!

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to call me. I'm more than happy to share my experiences, be an ear to talk to... whatever you need. (Oh, and if your dh ever needs to talk, my dh is happy to do that as well!) We can give perspective as adoptive parents as well as my husband was adopted - so he can help with any anxiety you may have about the child as they grow as well!

God Bless -
C.
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I have not adopted a child myself, but gave my child up for adoption when I was 18. I have a great relationship with the family who chose to adopt my son and I get pictures frequently. My son, who is now 10 knows who I am and knows he is adopted and is ok with it. I don't get to see him all that much, as they live in Texas but he has my number and email address and knows he can call me anytime and ask me anything whenever he wants. The family who adopted him wanted an open adoption, feeling it was the best for the child, not to find out about being adopted later in life, and makeing adopting nothing to be ashamed of. From the "other side of the adoption" I feel it is best for the child and for both parents (biological and adoptive). Anyway, just thought I would share "my story" to give you a perspective from the other side of things. Good luck and God bless!

I am also in the process of adoption. At the moment I am waiting on a call from my caseworker. 2 weeks ago she gave my home study to a child's caseworker to review. They were supposed to call me last week. I've left 2 follow up messages (last Friday morning and Monday afternoon this week). Tried to call again yesterday but now my caseworker is on vacation for a couple days.

I think that the lack of communication may be the most frustrating part. I would be fine with "We don't have an update yet" just to know that it is still being worked. Please don't take this as complaining. I have a great caseworker and she is good at what she does. I think she likes to have news before she calls someone back.

As far as the waiting, I have spent time getting the house, esp the child's bedroom, ready. Mostly I've gotten furniture and he will choose his own bedding, etc, though I have some until he can make that choice.

The bigger thing that I have done, though, is to spend time praying for my child's safety - physically, emotionally, etc - in their current location. God knows my child(ren) even if I don't. I also pray that I may show kindness to the social workers who have the very difficult job of making sure that these children who have been through so much are cared for. I pray that the social workers will have wisdom in matching me with a child.

Just an added note, I have been through the difficult task of being offered a child and having to turn him down because his needs were greater than I could manage as a single person.

It's a hard calling: to adopt. I commend you for taking the time to care for children that other people have cast off.

I've also spent time researching things that will be important (in my mind) when I have a child: estate planning, 529 plans (which I've compared and posted on my blog at http://coloradocrystal.blogspot.com).

Additionally, I've had the privilege of educating the people around me about adoption. It has been great to see them begin to understand and then to get on board with supporting me. They even gave me a shower so that I would have the things I need for an older child. The other thing that has come out of this is that several people who want to adopt but didn't know how to start the process are now beginning to prepare to take that step themselves in the next few years and one person has decided that she now has great enough understanding of adoption that she will pursue it in 3-5 years.

I also attend a support group of other adoptive parents and that has been immensely helpful - having a place to discuss fears and joys; ups and downs with others who are going through the same things.

It is so easy to worry about the process and everything that goes into it. I have found great comfort in meditating on the words of Matthew 6:25-34 and Philippians 4:1-9. If you don't have a Bible, you can visit Biblegateway.org and type in those passages to get the wording.

May God richly bless your family. And if you want to talk further, please do not hesitate to message me back on Mamasource.

I'm not waiting to adopt, but my brother was adopted. He was adopted at birth after my mom had 3 miscarriages. She was told she would never carry a baby to term. A few weeks before they picked my bro up, they found out she was pregnant again, and there I was. I was premature, so we are 6 months apart.

I have heard people refer to adopted children as "This is Harry's adopted son and this is his daughter..." but my parents never did that. While we always knew he was adopted, we didn't advertise it and he was just my brother. No delineation was ever made that I was a biological child and he was a chosen child. It is kind of funny to let people figure it out when we say we're six months apart.

There have been times that he has felt left out - like at family reunions where people would say "I have Grandma Kerry's eyes" or things like that, but we have a lot of adopted family members and everyone feels welcome.

He has always felt loved and valued and as an adult knows his birth mother's story (it's not bad or anything and he has recently found out that he has a full blood biological sister who was also put up for adoption at birth). He is glad our parents adopted him. I wouldn't have a sibling otherwise, and we are close. I don't know how I would be different without him, but I sure would have a void in my life!!

Good luck to you - your call will come!

Prayers and blessings!

Congratulations on your decision to adopt! You didn't mention whether you are adopting domestically or internationally, but there are a lot of support groups out there for adoptive parents in all stages of the process regardless of where your child is born. If you haven't already, you might want to join an applicable Yahoo group (there are many related to adoption)and seek out a local group that you can meet with face to face occasionally. You may need support after your child is home, as adoption can come with some unique issues. The people on these groups that have BTDT are incredibly supportive at times when you need it the most.

I recently adopted a baby boy internationally. It was a long wait with several delays and very frustrating and disheartening at times. But I can say it was very worth it in the end! It was easy during the process to let the adoption take over my life. After many months of ups and downs, I finally had to stop obsessing, relax, enjoy my life each day instead of putting my life on hold until my child was home. And I had to have some blind faith (you have very little control in this process) that when the time was right, a child that was meant to be mine would become part of my family.

On the more practical side and to keep yourself busy and distracted from The Wait, get your house in shape. Clean out the closets, basement, garage; do all those little projects and repairs that have been on the to-do list for ages; spring clean.

Get all your doctor/dentist/vision appointments out of the way for yourselves and vet appointments for any pets. Find a pediatrician. Get the car tuned up and detailed. Figure out how to install the carseat and have it checked out by one of the official safety stations. Set up your bills to pay automatically (you'll be stunned at what you forget and how time flies when there is a little one in the house).

Even more importantly, do fun things with your friends and your husband! Go to movies/concerts/plays, eat out in quiet restaurants, peruse a bookstore with a cup of Starbucks, enjoy grocery/clothes/you-name-it shopping while you can take your time, take long bubblebaths, stock up the freezer with things you can pop in the microwave or oven for a quick dinner, watch a late movie on TV, take day trips or go on weekend getaways, spend quiet evenings at home with your hubby, sleep late, take naps, and sleep late some more. Do those things that you might not get to do for awhile! Your life will change dramatically, however welcomed, once you are a parent and for awhile at least your time will simply not be your own! These things are not any different whether you adopt or are waiting to deliver a child, but they do keep your mind elsewhere until the call comes.

Have faith that it WILL happen. Remember that in the end the child that is meant to be yours will be. Good luck with your journey!

I adopted a child through the Social Services system.

After about 2.5 years of calling and waiting, I got a legal risk placement. Although she was a very troubled child, I didn't care. I was so happy to be a mother and do all I could for her. Unfortunately, relatives came forward late in the game and the judge sent her to them.

About a year later though, I got my wonderful daughter. She ended up being the absolute perfect child for me. She even looks like a birth child. According to my mother, so much of who she is and how she acts is exactly like I was at her age. So God truly works in mysterious ways.

The waiting period -- that's a tough one. If you're adopting through Social Services, I'd recommend calling your worker and the adoption coordinator once a week to check in. That will keep you and your husband in the forefront of their minds.

If you're adopting through a different way, I don't have any suggestions except to say have faith that the exact perfect child for your family will show up when it's the exact perfect time.

Good luck to you both.

HI M.,
Our family is also in the adoption process. We have everything in place except our finger prints! It's so frustrating! I know it's the only thing I think about. Two things that have helped.... remembering that the baby we are supposed to have isn't ready yet! There is a perfect match for you out there and it will come. Once you hold that baby or child the wait will seem like nothing. The other thing I've been doing is little jobs I know I wont' do later. Cleaning out closets, our garage. I try and find one little job a day. Painting whatever. Good Luck!

Hi, well this may be the hardest one i have answered. About 15 years ago i lost my child to misscariage. it was the one and only time i was able to get pregnant. i have shed many tears since then, for the loss and for the whole in my heart that was never filled. The only thing that has helped me was we started taking in foster children. I know its not the same, but i have no money for adoption and this seems to be my only choice. I also have just spent lots of hours with nieces and nefiews. I babysit some and maybe some day we will be able to fill that whole. my prayers are with you and good luck. if you need to ralk or have ideas for me e-mail me at ____@____.com i will help all i can.

We adopted our twin boys (now 2 1/2). It was the best decision we made. It also was the longest wait & hardest time before they came. My advise is to stay active in looking for your child (let everyone know you're adopting & if they hear of any leads then to pass your name along). Also, try to stay busy with other things. It will be a long wait, rather you're waiting 6 months or 6 years. It is not having control that makes the wait so long. Prepare yourself for the birthmom to change her mind (so your not blindsighted if it happens) but love and build that relationship as soon as possible. We have an open adoption with our boys mother & love the friendship that we have (she truly is family to us),

Good luck and hang in there. There are many good yahoo groups on-line that can be a support as well.

B.

Congratulations on deciding to adopt! That is awesome! I have not adopted but I am adopted myself and also am a social worker who worked in an adoption agency for 2 years before having my daughter. I know the struggles that families have as they wait for their baby to come especially after they have struggled with infertility. One way to look at it is to have a postive outlook and know that blessing will come! If you have completed all your paperwork and met with your social worker, and have been approved for adoption you will be blessed with a child! I know this still means that you could have to wait but at least you know there is a light at the end of a tunnel! (and fyi the agency I worked for has a very reasonable waiting time for adoptive couples so if you want more information you can contact me). Good luck! I can imagine how hard it is to wait but just think-you are almost there! While waiting do all the things which may be more difficult once you have a child. Take a trip with your husband! Once you have children you can never go back so try to enjoy this stage as you are waiting (I know that is hard to believe but once you have a child I think you will understand what I mean.) Anyway, good luck!