A.L.
Wow, to be honest I am not really sure how to even respond to this, but for some reason I just felt I had to. I am so sorry for you guys and the boys. What a hard situation. I have two boys and I guess that is why I felt the need to respond. Those boys need their Father and need to be able to respect and admire him. They are old enough that you should just ask them what they want to do for their father. If they wanted to get their father something, then they should have been allowed to. If the mother didn't order or command them NOT to get him something, then I am not sure I would consider it disobeying her. Those boys love their father and should honor him. I think you are doing a great service to them by being the "bigger" parent and setting the example of not bad mouthing and always contradicting what their mother says. This will speak volumes to those boys in the long run. With that said though, you should not allow her comments to go unanswered all the time either. When they tell you things, they are looking for a response. Explain that they can disagree with what someone else thinks. Tell them what YOU think of him and show them the two sides and ask how they feel. Have your husband, their father, talk to them about people saying mean things when they are mad or feel like they have been hurt, but that they don't have to believe it or feel the same way. How do they feel about her living with another woman? That must be confusing to them. I can't imagine how hard this is on them. You are right to be concerned and you are right to try and find ways to reinforce the appropriate behavior. They need a strong and mature example of what a man should be and what a marriage should be and how we should treat others no matter how they are acting. May God bless you and your efforts.