"Visiting Hours"

My very good friend has a rule that people call before 7:30. After that she does not answer the phone and locks her door. She does not answer that either.
Harsh, maybe. But she has her time with her family and we, her friends, respect that, because she demands it.

What is stopping you from putting the baby to bed at a regular time and asking for everyone to keep it down?

ooh I don't get that problem....my parents live on the other side of the U.S. and hubby's dad doesn't just pop in - he's 8 hours away....

i would sit back and say - mom I LOVE having you over - however, Betsy needs a schedule and her bedtime is 0830....you are welcome to come over anytime - but her bedtime is 830 and IT WILL HAPPEN whether you are here or not...

I'm pretty social so I do get your issue, but I'm also pretty strict about my kids' bedtimes. Since my daughter is getting older, I will let her stay up later when people are over more often, b/c it's easier than it once was. That being said, I actually only really let her stay up later if the guest is from out of town and we don't see them often or something like that. If it's just the routine people in our life, she still gets to bed on time. Most of the time if someone asks to or wants to come over I will say up front, oh yeah, that's great come on over, but the kids will be in bed at 8, but you're welcome to stay later. If they just show up, then say something like oh so glad you're here to say goodnight to DD, do you want to read her a story? I like having other people b/c it's novel for them to help with jammies, read stories, etc. and I get a break! ;)

This situation doesn't come up as often as it does for you as myparents live 4 hours away and my husbands family doesn't come over often however, on occasion, it has come up. I have simply excused myself saying I needed to get my little one to bed and went upstairs and did so. It's harder with my 4 year old as he realizes people are there and the situation can get ugly but I start hinting around that it's getting towards bedtime. If you have told them that your children go to bed at a certain time or they are aware - just go do it whether they are there or not - if they get offended it's their issue to deal with as you've already told them.

I'm close to 40 and just had my mother's first grandchild, so she was coming to my house EVERY SINGLE DAY for the first three months. it's tapered off some, but she still sees him immediately before and after any out-of-town trip that she takes. I just told them (her and her husband--her husband is very loud and boisterous and gets offended when I ask him to quiet down. That's another story, though.) that these are his sleepy times and this is what they can expect when they come. They are welcome at any time, but if they want to play with him or have him be friendly with them (when he's really sleepy, he tends to want mommy), then there are specific times that work for that. Also, they learned that by a certain time in the evening, the house activity needed to be toned down. If that meant that they stayed home, then that's what they did, but these were the rules for our house as we were trying to help our baby adjust to life on the outside while still allowing for a schedule that was comfortable for him.

Bottom line--they can come when they want, but there are scheduling rules at our house. If you want to be lively, come early. If you want to interact with the baby, come early. It's not as strict now.

Wow, I know how you feel on this one. We tried to accomodate the g-parents and realized it was hurting us not them. So, we have told the families that we cannot do outings especially during the work week. On the weekends we either leave (if we are visiting them) prior to bedtime or if they are visiting us let them know that we start our bedtime routine at 7:30pm so they need to say their goodbyes prior to that. Usually, if the family stays past that time we tell them they have to be quite while we do the routine and when we are done the night time routine we will be more than happy to come back and hang out.

We also have been clear (although it may have been harsh) that drop-ins aren't an option and we need a call (and right as your turning down our street doesn't count!) prior to arrival. I don't know how much this helped but I do know this, if you don't put an end to it now, it will continue. A friend of mine had to blurt out to her MIL that she was sorry she was being rude when she wouldn't let them into the house when they 'happened to be in the neighborhood' but they were prepping to have 'relations' since their child was down for a nap....a little embarassment may help if they don't get the hint. They backed off....at least for a little while! hang in there...set bounds and support each other on maintaining those bounds...it is critical to be ont he same page! Have a great weekend.

My baby has bath and bed at 7 and my big boy has bath at 7:30 and in bed by 8pm. If we have anyone over, we also announce, "Bath and bedtime" and proceed to do our routine. Grandparents, aunts and uncles are welcome to give baths, read stories or say prayers. Then we put the kids to bed on time regardless of who might be over.

C.

At 8 get in your PJ's, get the kids to bed and if they show up answer the door surprised and obviously ready for bed.. they should get it pretty quick right? If they come early and are still there just start bed time routines while they are there, it's your family so just say "excuse me I have to start the bath.." don't feel like you have to entertain them at the expense of your routines and things you need to do. Obviously talking to your mom gets her mad so just start doing what you need to do :) good luck!

I feel your pain. My kids go to bed at 7. I have told everyone many times that between 630-715 is not a good time to call and not the time to come over since its bath & bedtime. My inlaws love to come over around 645 just to see if we need anything, and of course than the kids dont want to go to bed. My inlaws used to have a key but no longer do. It took leaving them standing on the front porch until after the kids were in bed for them to understand that they couldnt come over until after bedtime. Yes I know that seems harsh & probably rude, but coming over when you know its not a good time & have been asked not to come over is just as rude. Maybe set aside another time of day that your mom could come by and stand firm about not letting them interfere with bedtime. Good luck

It took a while for me to get around to it, but we are finally to the point where, I just cheerfully announce, "Bedtime!" and start putting the kids to bed. The visitors are of course welcome to stay, but bedtime happens anyway.

The grandparents have even been known to participate in bathtime or storytime.

I laughted at Sunnysmom's comment: I have family members who used to show up unannounced, and walk right in. It only took once of me being topless (well, with a bra), for them to not only learn to call first, but to also remember where the doorbell is.

The next time you see them, let them know that your daughter's bedtime is 8 PM and it is hard to get her settled down when anyone is visiting. Then, when they are visiting and the clock strikes 7:30 say "You'll have to excuse us because it is bathtime" and then go give your daughter a bath and once she's ready for bed, have her go say "goodnight" to everyone.

Hi!
Personally, I think you should be thrilled that your family wants to come over & see your dd all the time. Imagine how you'd feel if it seemed like they didn't care & never came over.
I'm saying this out of personal experience. My Mom lives on the west coast & us on the east coast, so it isn't possible for weekly visits. My sister lives near her & she gets tons if visits. I can't tell you how much I wish we were closer to my Mom.
My Dad & stepmom live about 30 miles away & I have to have a miscarriage, foot surgery, or a birthday party to get them to come over...& I'm NOT kidding!!! It's so hurtful. I feel like I don't matter. And dont get me started on how much it hurts me when it comes to my kids!
When I found out I was pg w/my 3rd, I invited them over for dinner so we could announce. I got some stupid excuse from all of them about how busy they are. I finally broke down & freaked out on my Dad. Reminding him that they hadn't been to my house in 11 months!!
My point is, be thrilled that they want to come over all the time. Does it really matter if your dd goes to bed late on occassion??? When you're getting frustrated w/them, think of me & how I'd LOVE for my family to come over more often =).
H.

If your relationships with your relatives are good enough they feel comfortable dropping in, your relationships should also be good enough that you would be comfortable saying openly, "Hey, we really need to establish a good bedtime routine, and that means Sally's lights go out at 8:00. That means her bath and quiet time before bed starts at 7:00. So if you want to come visit, please always call first to see if we're already on the way towards bedtime, and if it's 7:00 or after, please wait and call the next day. We love to see you, but lately I realized that visits need to be earlier or Sally's very cranky the next day -- you don't want her to be cranky, do you?" Say it with a big, loving smile.

And then: Immediately offer a time they CAN come. "Are you free tomorrow at 5:00? Let's go to dinner." "Why don't you come at 3:30 and we'll all take Sally to the park." "Let's get together for a longer time this weekend and do something special--go bowling, go to a pool, go to the playground," etc. And so on. You are fortunate to have relatives nearby (we don't) and to have good relationships with them, but they also need to respect boundaries -- and if things are good and you put it well, and you are very clear you DO want them to see your child, just not after a certain hour, it should be OK. If you offer them invitations to see and do things with your daughter it should be clear to them that you do want their company but the weeknight schedule is important to her having a routine. If they say it's "like visiting hours at the hospital!" to you, SMILE and say, "How about tomorrow at 5?" or whatever.

I do wonder: Why are the grandparents and sister and child coming over at times that run past 8:00 at night anyway? Do they all work during the day and that's when they're available? If they are retired grandparents, I would think they could come over at other hours of the day. If you work outside the home and your daughter is in day care, heck, maybe they could pick her up from daycare early some days and spend time with her if that works for you and for her. If everyone involved is working days, then you might have to reinforce that the time to see you and your daughter is weekends or weekdays around dinnertime--suggest they bring take-out, or get it yourself, and invite them over, but kindly let them know that "Hey, I see it's 6:45 -- in about 15 minutes I have to get Sally into the bath" or whatever.

I do not have an issue with "visiting hours" ... I would think that would be expected like "phone call hours" ... everyone's life is different and things do not work out the same. I would simply say to all that for one week the house doors are closed so we can work out a new house schedule because things are slipping thru the cracks and I need to stop it before something really important gets missed and after that first week there will be some restraints on visiting times - the family is suffering from the chaos.

my hubby is super social and loves having people over, Doesnt' matter who it is 8 comes I take my kids up to bed, It is harder to get them to settle, but I've found that to be a better compromise than trying to kick the grown ups out.

i suppose you could start visiting them at crazy hours and see how they love it when you drop in.

If they are over and its coming to 8:00. announce to the kids "finish playing becuase we have to get ready for bed." and maybe get busy with them while your husband entertains them. When you are done, get back to socializing. Maybe they can "give hugs" to them too right before bed. YOu might find that after the kids are in bed, or when you start getting them ready they will excuse themself. Basically Go About Your Business when they are there.