Visitation Standards

Well, child support and visitation are two entirely different things. Drunk or sober, employed or not, he needs to financially contribute to his child's life. And absolutely, you should go after that.

Unless a child will be physically or seriously emotionally scarred for life or is in danger somehow, I DO feel a child should know BOTH parents. You know him best, you know HER best, your comfort level should be based entirely on the above mentioned issues, not whether you think he 'deserves' it. Sadly.

But, no, he is NOT BUYING the right to know his daughter by virtue of paying child support. Two different things.

:)

I don't think legally there can be any additional requirements put on visitation. He is her father, as long as he is not been determined by a court to be a danger to her health or safety, he has visitation rights. Legally, even non-payment of child support is not a justification for withholding visitation - those are two separate legal issues.

You might want to consider putting a more regular visitation schedule in place, to avoid issues in the future, and to give your daughter some predictability.

So custody is established through the court but not visitation?

In every case I know of, child support and visitation are completely separate issues. If he has court-ordered visitation, and you withold the child without reason, you are in contempt of the orders.

For that matter...he isn't paying court-ordered support? If he is that far behind, it is time to make some noise at the support enforcement division.

I'd want reasonable assurance that he is clean and sober; and know where she'd be and when he was bringing her back.

My ex-husband chooses not to see our daughter much either, but I never restrict it if he is behind on child support. That doesn't punish him only...it punishes the child.

Don't get me wrong...I believe that there are many instances where one parent is the best for the child.

Is he actually doing anything that you don't like? I mean is he drinking, because I would think that is a given, you know to be sober. If he isn't drinking why do you feel you need standards?

Also the child support, if he doesn't have a job don't you think stating this is my standard to see your child will put undo pressure on him. If he is not trying to find a job then yes, a push in the right direction is needed.

I am saying if he is looking for a job, keeping himself clean, why do you feel you need standards for him to see her? I only have your paragraph to go by so I really don't understand.

He doens't have to pay child support to have visitation. Your child is entitled to the relationship if she is safe and cared for, regardless of the money.

But yes, he should be sober - but how do you know? Is he tested regularly, in therapy, proving meeting attendence? Him and his family members, if that is an issue.

You need to be able to have someone inspect the enviornment to make sure it is child safe, and a parenting class may not be out of line. If really depends if he seems like he is taking care of her well or not. Merely being an ex-addict doesn't make him a bad parent. You have to make some judgement of his skill set.

I would be glad he wants a relationship with his child, and you shoudl have expectations, but money is not one of them.

PS - Just to clarify, I absolutely think you need to put court-ordered child support in place. Buy you cannot deny her a relationship with Dad because he doesn't pay.

I guess I also wonder why there has been no vistation set. Was he restricted by the court, or has he just not gone to court to ask for it? If I was you, I would set up a regular schedule. If he loves her and is capable of taking care of her on his own or supervised, then it is to her benefit to do this consistently. It is good for him too and will make him a better Dad.

And I am NOT a person who thinks all kids need a Dad. Some Dads or parents should not be around their kids EVER. But nothing you said makes this seem like th case, at least currently.

Why do you want to put requirements on him to visit with his daughter? This visitation is extremely important to her. Little girls who grow up without a relationship with their father have issues and a lot become permiscuous, etc. You have to start looking at it as this is beneficial for your daughter, and not just that he's getting what he wants. I think the sober thing and if he has a safe place for her to be are the only requirements you should have.

Updated

This is the same post as the other day. Guess you didn't get the answers you were looking for. Again, other than sobriety and having a good, safe environment to take her to, you don't have any right to require any "standards" of your ex. visitation is not contingent on the payment of child support so you can remove that "standard." What "standards" does your ex require of you?

ok, i can totally understand having some requirements in place. but... you cannot withhold visitation because of nonpayment of child support. so you could put requirements for him being sober and not drinking while the child is in his care, or that he has to be supervised at his parents house or something like that. but you can't keep your child from him if he hasn't paid support.

Hi B.,

I have been in a similar situation. It took me awhile to realize that a set schedule is very important. Establishing a routine is critical for your daughter. (My almost 3 year old daughter is emotionally attached to her father so it has been dramatic for her) I know that if my ex is intoxicated he won't show up. A schedule puts the responsibilty squarely on him for whether or not he is going to follow through. It also would take away the discretionary position you are in. Eliminating the power dynamic can give both of you a more objective view of the situation. I have dad pick her up from daycare and I get her from him at the same time daycare closes. That way, if he doesn't show up, I can pick her up directly from daycare and it minimizes inconvenience for me. I also do not tell her if he is suppose to pick her up. That way, she is not dissapointed all the times he doesn't show. Our schedule is for three days a week. If he misses one day, he only gets two days the next week. This way it minimizes the fluctuation in our daughter's schedule. Her dad can't afford child support and so I've chosen to let that go. I'm getting a court order and all but I find more peace in not having any expectations of him. There is only so much you can do. Try to think of it solely from your daughters perspective and what her experience is. He did an injustice to you that will never be made right. All we can do now is minimize the impact on our daughters.

I have heard of custody agreements where both parents agree that the child will not be introduced to a girlfriend/boyfriend for a certain time after the relationship starts... Of course, whatever terms you stick on him would also be applied to you--so make sure you can live with the rules before you decide to put it in the agreement.

If you feel he's ok to see her certain days and sleep over, why only when it suits you, I mean its ok if you feel it should be limited and don't trust him, I wouldn't and would require random drug tests...BUT if u feel hes good enough to watch her when it suits you, why not let him more often if you feel its good for your daughter?