i have a 21 yr old son who went to job corp and they made him take responsibility for his own actions which is very good and mature. now the problem i have is he gets the victims mentality over dodo occurs. he blames himself and thinks he is taking responsibiity for his own actions. but he is going overboard on it. ex he spills a box of cereal. to me this is dodo occurs. to him it is his fault and goes into the victim mentality blaming himself. or ex if the car was to break down in his possesion we all know this just happens and its nobodys fault. he blames himself and says its his fault. i cant convince him that dodo occurs ex the car breaking down and its not his fault. what job corp did was good but it seems they went overboard iwth the take responsibility for your own actions. he also does this thing if he is babysitting his brother and he falls and gets a knot on his head he feels like it is his responsibility for not watching him close enough. this hasnt actually happend but this is his mind set.his brother is 2 these things just happen and his brother is fearless. my 2 yr old got a scratch 1/8 inch long and barely any blood and my oldest was watching him and he blamed himself for it. or if his brother spills a drink he feels like it is his fault. he is 2 it just happens dodo occurs. i need books for me or him to help him understand dodo occurs. and seperate what is your fault and you should take responsibility for your own actions. and dodo occurs isnt necessarily your fault so quit blaming yourself. any ideas
you have had some great resonses for me to try. thanks for the outsiders opinions. I like denises answer well put and i see alot of logic in rebas too. but all of the answers had something i could use in them thanks guys
edit I think i finally got it through his head. him and his stepdad got into it and both were in the wrong. we wont go into over what. but i asked him whos fault it was and he said mine and i asked why and he gave his reason. and I said who was responsible for step dad doing this and he said me and i asked him did you make your step dad to that or was it a situation that he needed to take responsibilty for his own wrong. he said step dad needed to take responsibiity for his own wrong. so i asked why then are you taking the blame for what he did? I told him you have to take responsibility for your part of it and his step dad had to take responsibility for what he did. I told him you are both at fault. no one person is to blame for this. and i think he finally got the point. I gave him some other situations that could occur and he said well this is my fault i spilt a glass of water and i said so dodo occurs doesnt play into this I said did you do it intentionally and he said no so I said its no ones fault taking responsibility for your own actions is cleaning up the mess that occured for dodo happens. i may have made progress with him
I think part of this is just growing up. He obviously hasn't fully matured. Give him some time. He'll figure it out.
Just keep showing him...
As for the victim mentality - you've gotta nip that now! If he spills something, tell him not to wallow, but to just clean it up and get over it.
LBC
OK--gotta say, I've never heard that expression before but I get what you mean.
Can you explain the difference to him between free will and accidents?
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He's still grappling with maturity. It will click. Keep reminding him that the point of "taking responsibility" is not to "feel bad" it's to understand what to do next time. Sure, if he wants to take "boo boos while watching baby brother" as a sign to watch him closer, then Good Work! Pat on the back for recognizing the sign, and go forth and conquer. Not "Oh no, I did something wrong and it's all my fault (sad face)."
Help illustrate this until he gets it. The core of the principle is good though, knowing that on some level almost everything that happens to us is our own fault to some extent.....even not maintaining the car well before it breaks down sometimes....helps us to make wise decisions and choices going forward. But there is a lot to be said for realizing that sometimes sh__ happens, because thats' an undeniable truth for everyone in the world. Old Westerns are good for watching brave macho men take responsibility and be tough with a certain amount of valor and no victimy self pity. Rent some! Once he gets the gist, he'll be great!
It sounds like he is seeking attention and reassurance, like he needs to hear over and over that it is not his fault. It doesn't sound like he needs a lot of counseling but some would help him with coping skills. He needs to build up his confidence that he is doing well and will be liked even if he messes up sometimes. Because he will mess up. Yes, dodo happens but so does stupidity. We all make mistakes. We just need to learn how to pick ourselves up and move forward.
I just have to say that at 21 he is well old enough to understand that stuff happens. It sounds like he is seeking attention and may have other issues, counseling may be a good idea. Personally I wouldn't play into it. If he wants to wallow in self pity and feel sorry for himself that is fine but let him know you don't want to hear it and you won't put up with it. I would not tell him over and over that things are not his fault. Say it once and be done with it. If you spill something clean it up and move on, no one wants to hear how bad you feel about it. get over it. It may sound harsh but that is how I would handle it. I don't put up with this when my 10 year old pulls it I definitely wouldn't put up with it if I had an adult son or daughter.
