Very Sassy

S.,

I too have a 3-1/2 year old that has gotten very sassy just within the two last months. He screams at the top of his lungs NO when I ask him to do something and has even started throwing tantrums and hitting me. In the last two weeks, I've worked on talking through his sassiness, I tell him that it makes me vey sad when he's mean to momma and talks back. It has actually worked! When I tell him this he drops his head and says he's sorry. Try it out - communication seems to be the best way to deal with these things. Good luck.

Ha ha hah! Yes, that was us 6 months ago. It's so aggravating, isn't it? I really hated it when ds would say, "you can read me a book, or you can clean up my room. Those are your options." ARGHHH!
This is how I handled it. With him telling us what our options are, we pretty much just had to crush that. "We're the grown ups, and we tell you what your options are. You are a little kid, and you don't get to tell grown-ups what to do."
With the sassing, I explained that sassing is rude, and that he needs to apologize. And if he didn't apologize by the time I counted to three, he'd get a swat on the behind. And that was going to be in effect permanently. So every time he sassed me, I'd say, "You're sassing me." And he'd say, "I'm sorry!" It eventually dwindled. I think I've said that two times in the last 3 months, so it really got a lot better.
Now we're on to quelching Mr. Bossy 4 year old :)
Good luck!

P.S. This is about respect. And it is very important to teach respect in your home. That wasn't something my in-laws thought was important, and now I'm having to teach my husband! I also saw families that I babysat for. Once, right in front of me, the 3 year old told his mom that he hates her. She broke into tears. I, the 14 year old babysitter, couldn't believe what was happening! I grabbed the kid by the wrist, swatted his bum, told him very firmly that he was not to speak to his mother that way, and sent him to his room. I hate to think how those kids treat their mother now, 15 years later! So don't just take it. Your son can learn!

Hi-- I've gotten a lot of mileage out of the book "How to Talk to Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It's been out awhile in paperback, and you could probably find it at the library. I also like "Adventures in Gentle Discipline." My kids (6 and almost 3 ) get lippy sometimes and I've noticed it's almost always when they have a legitimate need that's not being met (hungry, tired, no one's paying positive attention to them). When they are well-fed, well-rested and have something to do (whether that's a game or a chore or my attention with a story or whatever) they are sweethearts instead of turkeys.
I also notice they mimic a lot of what my husband and I say to them--awhile ago I realized I was making pathetic demands and threats such as, "pick up your toys right now or I will be really angry!" and they were coming back to me from both kids with even MORE pathetic sentiments such as "Gimme a Popsicle or I will turn into Batman!" It was a sorry and desperate time in the communication history of my family!
I do think media exposure makes a big difference in family dynamics. How can we expect children to understand when sarcasm is funny and when it's sassy and inappropriate? Or to process feelings about who "deserves" to be punished in a cartoon and then not apply "deserved" punishment to others? I try to limit TV exposure because it makes my kids brattier for learning rude communication and also it makes them forget how to play independently. That's hard, but it does seem to help.
I hesitate to be too rough or coercive in any redirection of bad behavior, because of the mimicking factor I already mentioned. I personally feel like there's a disconnect is my trying to teach respect by offering any kind of physical or punitive response. It seems like the message there is just that big people are allowed to do rough things to littler people, so just wait until you're big and then you will be allowed to hurt people who offend you. . . . Another unintended message might be that it's sometimes OK for people who say they love you to hurt you, and I cannot afford to send that message even accidentally, even for a moment. I'm not advocating being a doormat or a "friend" instead of a parent, but I am much more comfortable with communication patterns and techniques that promote peaceful family relationships instead of just make my kids fear and loathe me. (I realize everyone does what works for them--this is just my perspective, so I really don't mean to offend anyone.)
I read an essay by Jan Hunt on the Internet (she's a child psychologist) and she is not comfortable with time out because it creates distance and she says it is disrespectful to the child and typically just gives a child time to stew in angry, vengeful feelings and plot revenge without actually working out a real solution to the problem. That might be an extreme perspective to you, and I personally sometimes need to mandate a seperate cooling-off period before we move forward. Still, if you can find her essay (Google her name and maybe "The Natural Child," which is one of her books)it might be interesting to you.
I learned a lot from both books (""How to Talk. . ." and ""Adventures. . . ") and I really recommend them for making your expectations clear and actually getting cooperation without the unwanted feedback. Good luck!

I have a almost seven year old with the same issue. It isn't an abnormal thing nor do I think it warrants counselling, it warrants be on top of it and teaching him to think before he speaks. It takes a lot of patience believe me!! I have a son that is following her lead on sassing and it drives me batty, however I see it is very common too and another thing they are testing us on.
We have found a tool that works for us, she gets three major chances each day. First warning, then I remind her that she is to think before she speaks, second warning, jammies no matter what time of day it is, if we are out, they are to be put on the second we get home. Third chance bed, NO MATTER what time of day. They are to sit in their beds, can come down for dinner but right back to their rooms. My daughter has had to go as early as 1:00PM! There was a huge tantrum that ensued, my gently and continuing to remind her she did this to herself, not me, that she is not to talk to me disrespectfully and has to listen when I tell her to do something, period. After a few instances of being in bed WAY before her four year old brother, well, it finally sank in. I can say now 80% of the days she is only at chance one by the end of the day, sometimes at chance two but she has not pushed to chance three in a very long time. She finally got it, I can see her stop herself, think before she opens her smart mouth or any defiance occurs. Her little brother even is getting it too.
Three and a half is not too young to implement very strict guidelines on acceptable and unacceptable behavior and respect at all. Find what his weakness is, my daughter prides her bedtime and that worked for us. If it is a toy or priviledge go that direction, stay consistent, don't expect it to change overnight and stay tough. It will eventually get there..promise.

I can sympathize, I have a daughter who is strong willed and very sassy. She started about the same time with the sass and it got worse, although finally she has gotten better(shes 5 1/2) over the last few months, although I figure its the calm before the next storm. Time outs dont work with her too. I found in the giving of a choice it is a better thing when its over simple stuff (cloths, ect) otherwise I will tell her to do (blank) or she will go to her room. If she says anything other than ok she goes upstairs. You may have to find out what he dislikes the most. Mine hates being sent away from where we are at. Sometimes she does well with the incentive program. If she does something well for a week she can earn a treat. We used charts until she got a good sense of time. As for the sassing I find creative ways to let her know that it is hurtful and not right. I have even walked her calmly outside and wished her luck after she told me she wanted a new mom and dad. There was a second of shock on her after the door shut before she changed her mind and started to cry. Of course after I shut the door I was glued to the peep hole and waited a few minutes before I opened the door and asked if she changed her mind. I talk to her and ask if she would like someone to say or treat her that way ( this will comes after she gets back from being sent to her room) I always tell her to look me in the eyes when she apologizes so I now the focus is in the right place. For the really bad sass, such as sticking out her tongue and such I walk her calmly in the bathroom, wet my finger and swipe my hand over the soap and put it in her mouth. ( It took 3 days to get it into her head) The main thing is to be consistent and dont give him more than 1 chance. Most of the time my daughter will get reminded of the consequences once only. Good luck and hang in there. Know that it will pass, even if it is when they get to collage :-)

Oh...I FEEL YA!! :) My son is 3 1/2 and SUPER SASSY!! (and now my 2 year old daughter is learning his super fun phrases.) He WAY TOO familiar with time out! Something that I have been trying to look at is how I talk to him! (Some would say I am a tad sassy too!) :) I am struggling with the same thing so I can't say I know ANYTHING about this other than to give you an e-hug and pray TOGETHER that it is just a phase! But rest assured I will be watching all of the responses LIKE A HAWK!
Thank you for your post!

Most of my girlfriends with kids this age (I'm in a Yahoo group that happens to have a bunch of kids in the same age group) all say that 3 is WAY harder than 2. Terrible twos are a myth, I think. Three is horrible.

We've devised a system with my son that seems sort of elaborate. For a really "good" behavior he gets a green card. For a really "bad" one (hitting, kicking, repeated snottiness after being asked to talk respectfully, etc.) he gets a red card. For every 3 green cards he gets a sticker. For every 5 stickers he gets a prize (new toy, CD, special outing, etc.). And the cards are reset every day. I know it seems sort of confusing but we can sometimes use his other cards to our advantage... "All you need is one more green card & you can have a sticker!"

Then there are days like today where it's mostly red cards. Ugh.

There's also a book I'm starting to work from... might be worth checking out. "From Difficult to Delightful in Just 30 Days" by Jacob Azerrad. There's a good excerpt from it on Amazon. Based on what I'm reading there, I'm trying to really emphasize how proud I am when my son exhibits behaviors I want to encourage. Like if he tries to entertain his baby brother while I'm washing dishes or something... automatic green card & I talk at least a couple of times that day about how helpful that was and how he's becoming such a big boy.

I know this is just a phase (an ugly one, for sure!) so I'm trying really hard to be consistent. No matter how hard it is. 'Cause I'll tell you... I sure don't want my kid to grow up to be like THIS!! ;)

Best of luck!

both of my children are very strong willed and i often have the same problem with sassiness (and the youngest isn't even 2 yet!). first, the sassiness is probably mostly a phase, my son has gotten much better about being polite as he has gotten older, but of course that doesn't mean you have to put up with it until your kiddo grows out of it. what works best for my kids is them losing time with a favorite toy/game. i give them warnings if they are being rude or snotty, and if they don't improve they lose a toy, or time watching tv for whatevr smount of time is appropriate for their ages. this has woked for a variety of behavior issues for my kids.

S.,
I feel pain! My 4 1/2 year old is so sassy. We talk about respect. We talk about kind words. We have punished and he sits in timeout so often. He thinks he can give us choices. He is very strong willed. We decided to go to counseling to help us and she even says its common for that age. She suggested that at nauseum that we keep saying. Is that your nice words, without reaction or emotion.

I was a teacher before I was a mother and I would see kids treat their parents horribly. I was appauled. I wondered why they didn't just take care of it and punish them. However things are totally different as a mom. We can punish or redirect until we are all blue in the face, but sometimes you just gotta walk away.

In my sons case there are things that work one time and them the next time it doesn't. I try to find the underlying issue (tired, hungry, frustrated)

Good luck. I think this is a stage and boy I can't wait to get out of it either. I just don't want my son to be sassy to the teachers at school or other adults.
J.

My daughter just turned 3 and for the last few months, she has been very sassy!! She has been very strong willed since she was born!! Everyday is an wonderful challenge! :) My Mom tells me regularly to just be persisitent and "it to shall pass". She raised 6 very different daughters so I guess she might know what she is talking about. LOL Anyway, we flick her mouth and send her to time out if she is just being notty and rude, and when she is being demanding we just ignore her unitl she talks nice. We do explain to her what we are doing and why the first time it happens a day.
Good Luck and hang in there, you are not alone!!

First, remember that you're the mom. If you let your child get away with talking to you this way, think how it will be when he reaches the teenage years! My suggestion (because I've dealt with this also): get on their level (i.e. squat down so that you are eye-to-eye with him) and say in a firm voice, "You DO NOT talk to me that way. If you use those that voice/those words with me again, you will go in time-out/get your mouth soaped out." I've done soaping out the mouth for screaming at me or another sibling or saying a not-nice word. I think sassing falls into the "soap out the mouth" category. Maybe it sounds a little harsh, but if time out isn't working for you, this is also a very effective way. ** ALSO (and I think this is what's most important with children this age) -- when he ISN'T sassy, COMPLIMENT HIM on using his good manners and for being respectful.** You'll find he probably won't be in time out nearly as often/get his mouth soaped out and he'll understand that good behavior reaps wonderful rewards -- a happy mommy. :)

S. -
You've gotten a ton of responses already, but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents. Our almost 3 yo little girl has been going through this too. We are obnoxiously consistent with making her say please and thank you etc (to the point where my in-laws think I'm nuts)yet she developed this sassiness anyway. What seems to be working right now is to completely ignore her until she rephrases nicely. Sometimes I do correct her and wait until she repeats her request in a nice tone with a "please". But i think ignoring her is more effective. She knows what she needs to do to get my attention and get what she wants, she just needs to make the choice to do it. good luck!

If time-outs don't work then there is only one more option: time to bring out the spanks! I know what you're thinking "that will teach him to hit." Well as long as he knows the difference between spanking and hitting he should be fine. Pain is a fast teacher.

My son can get sassy at times as well, and he just turned 5. I try to remind him that talking rude to people is not the way we talk, and that he needs to "be nice" when he talks to others. We will also have him rephrase whatever he is saying and say or ask it again the polite way. If he doesn't and he starts arguing then we take his bike away. He LOVES his bike and looks forward to riding it, so it works very well. Good luck!

My daughter either gets a spanking, or I flip her in the lips with my finger. It gets her attention, and also gives her a reminder of the fact that her lips just did something nasty. My sister would give her kids hot sauce, and that would work also.

I have the same problem that you do except my son is 9. We cant speak to him without getting a sassy remark from him. It doesnt matter what is said to him he is rude when he talks back to us. We have our son in counseling but it isnt working for us. Maybe that is something that you could try with yours. If you get any good advise on how to stop this sort of behavior let me know cause it sounds like we are in the same boat.

S.-
My son (now 4) was very sassy just like your son. What I did, was when he would talk to me that way I would tell him not to be sassy to me, and if he persisted, I would talk sassy back to him, and not do anything he wanted me to, and then ask him if he liked it when I was sassy to him. And if that didn't work I would just ignore him, and tell him I wouldn't listen to him until he stopped being sassy. I also sent him to the corner alot, and to him room alot, and he got alot of privledges taken away. And if we were in public, and he got sassy, we would leave immediately. I hope this helps. Good luck.

You are talking about my daughter, right? Ugh. Such a difficult stage. When my daughter is sassy, I say, "I would be happy to listen when you speak to me in a normal voice" and don't resond any other way until she speaks to me nicely. It is a lot of work, but I am hoping it will eventually pay off. My daughter is also very strong willed. Good luck. I feel your pain!

I have a friend who set up a marble jar with the incentive of once you fill your jar full we can go to Chuckie Cheese. Each kid had their own jar and if they did something good they got to put a marble in and if they were bad they had to take a marble out. It turned out to be a good thing for them....