Very Hurt - Bronx,NY

I think a lot of people are glossing over the sleeping part and calling it co-sleeping. Sorry - not really and it doesn't fly in my book.

Let's flip flop here for a minute - and say that the Mom had her boyfriend over and all the kids were in bed with them? Still ok? Cause guess what - a random dude (or women) in bed with my kids - not gonna happen.

Sleep doesn't have to take place in a bed - could have been on the couch, could have been like a "camp" and in sleeping bags on the floor - hell he could have gone to Target and spent all of $20 on an inflatable mattress.

It's not right and I certainly would not be happy nor allow it to happen again.

I've looked over your past posts and unless I am mistaken, you were not married to this man. He chose his other children with another mother over your children to provide support to, and lived with you while you and your children suffered. So if I am right about what I'm saying here, I ask you to ignore the poster who tells you that you "chose" divorce over working on your marriage. That is a cruel thing to say, including and especially when no one here actually knows what the situation was.

Please talk to the judge about the sleeping arrangements. I totally agree that the court should know about this.

Dawn

You're so anti co-sleeping that you want to take action?

Sorry, but this is just part of divorce. You aren't in charge of him.

UPDATE:
I think 8kidsdad' answer might not be so...objectionable (? no offense 8kids) if it worded a little different. "Divorce opens up our family lives to courts, attorneys and other "outsiders". It also means one parent has very little say over what happens at another parents house. Not to even mention someone else deciding how much child support, how much visitation, or even who can stay overnight. It may have been the only rational choice in a given situation, but that choice comes with consequences - a lack of control being first and foremost."

BTW - that's pretty much where I was going, but more succinctly. :) [except for the part that dinged you for not trying to work it out]

i agree with Jo below. It doesnt seem like it's a diferent person each week, and it doesnt seem like something wrong is happening in the bed besides sleeping. Those kids are in a new enviorment, they might have been scared and wanted to sleep there. my daughter climbs into bed with my boyfriend and I and at first I would walk her back to her bed upset because I didn't want her dad freaking out like you are, and because of how I thought it was wrong, and then I realized that there is no rigth or wrong, and very occasionaly she climbs into bed now. Granted he ussually gets out because she takes up a lot of room for a little person but if shes scared in the middle of the night I am going to do what I would do if he was her dad...because he certainly acts like one. If he plans on being with this person than you need to get over your hatred for her or its going to make it really hard on your kids. My ex cheated for years and years and as much as I don't like what he did, I've forgiven him and am able to coparent to the best of our abilities (sure he's a jerk sometimes and I don't agree with his parenting, but thats not my battle to fight...I'm J. here to encourage a relationship between my daughter and him)

Added: 8kidsdad, I feel is one of those people who give great advice for people who are able to live in a perfect world. Someimes i like it but when he comments on divorce it annoyes M.. How can you say THEY chose divorce over working on things? My ex cheated for 14 of our 14 years, did tons of other things yes I chose divorce but there really was no other option! I was in it forever, I would have never cheated, divorced or anything like it, but honestly finding out your entire marriage is a sham, how would you decide to WORK on nothing? IDK sorry for taking over the post that irked M.

i'm assuming they weren't having sex?
co-sleeping really isn't that big a deal. i can see being unhappy about it, i guess, but of all the things that can render you so hurt, this seems pretty minor.
8 kids dad, i assume you are privy to all the details in this couple's decision?
khairete
S.

I think you need to look at this from the point of view of what is best for your kids. Your kids need their dad too and just because he can't afford beds for all isn't a good enough reason to deny them their father. You can't possibly think anything but sleeping happened in that bed. You hate it because it is her.

I used to hate this stuff when my ex pulled it after my now husband moved in. He would make it clear that those kids better not end up in bed with us!! So in storms or when they were scared I had to make them go back to their beds. Then he would turn it around to them saying see your mom chose him over you. That if Troy was out of the picture they would have me all to themselves. I get that he was jealous but *he* put his feelings before what is best for the kids, not playing mind games trying to control the adult.

Kids are not pawns in the adults issues, they are children that need to be protected.

After reading your what happened: I get it, I really do but two wrongs do not make a right. My son, who has autism spectrum, found out his dad was dating by walking in on them having sex on the bed my son usually sleeps in, long stupid story by the way. I wanted to flip a nut but what would it do other than pull the kids into it. My son was already wigged out, I wasn't about to add his dad yelling about how he shouldn't tell me things.

You have no idea how badly I wanted to get on the phone and yell REALLY!! Everything you have done to me and you do that?!!! Trust me I can feel your pain!

If what Denise wrote is correct then you are looking at the wrong issues. Get a parenting plan in place and get yourself some support!

Despite what some people will write here about spelling out living arrangements don't put anything in the parenting plan you don't want held against you. I am a big fan of Murphy's law, if you put no unmarried sleep overs that will be the moment you meet Mr right and he lives out of town.

I quickly looked at your previous questions.
This man NEEDS to pay child support.
And if you go through the courts he will have to do just that.
You wrote that you were going to pursue that--did you?
First things first, after all.
You can also set up a visitation schedule that you will both agree to and stick with. Perhaps you can address the sleeping arrangements then?
I wouldn't like it either.
IS it a case of "no money for beds" as O. responder stated?
If so, there ARE other options. Sleeping bags, sofa, recliner chairs--for the adults! They can let the boys sleep in the bed. Where is her 11 year old sleeping?
Look, bottom line, you had kids with a man who now prefers to put his own wants and needs over those of his children. There's no legislating that. But you CAN do what you CAN do. Time for court ordered child support. No more "he pays me when he feels like it" or "I asked him for $xyz this week for support".
Making small humans is not something to be taken lightly. Time he learns that before they add a #4 into the mix......
All the best.

I understand that you are hurt and confused. And I didn't read your other posts for backstory. However....

Do you have a custody decree? If he has been awarded court visitation or parenting time you will be held in contempt of court if you violate the decree by keeping your kids from their father.

Further, just because he doesn't parent the way that you parent... doesn't make him a bad parent (and this is 7 years of growth for me.... I get it). There are MANY cultures where co-sleeping is the norm. You have to find out if it bothered your kids (not becuase they know it bothered you.... but did it bother them). If they were all fully clothes and there was nothing inappopriate, then just sharing a big bed isn't wholly inappropriate.

The cold hard truth about the realities of divorce and/or not being married to your kids other parent is that you don't have a say in what goes on when he is with his kids. And that includes who is around them.

Would I be mad? Sure.

But, it's in your kids best interest to spend time with and develop a relationship with their father (unless he is ABUSIVE, which is different than just a parenting-style difference).

Good luck

I haven't read the responses but here's my 2 cents worth. I don't know your back story, because I haven't looked to see if posted here. But from this post I gather that you and your hubby have split. Your kids are visiting dad and he has the children sleeping in the same bed as him with his new gf. Um...yeah to say I'd be pissed is an understatement.

What kind of an example is he trying to set here? 1st of all it is completely inappropriate to have your children in bed with your new gf. On what planet is that a healthy choice for your children? I'm gathering that this is a fairly new separation and therefore the children are already being expected to adjust to enough changes in their lives. He should have enough common sense to slowly introduce the gf to the children and not force the kids into a situation they have no control over. I'm assuming they are living together already and that is her home now as well. And that's all fine and good, he's her problem now. However, there is no reason that the children should not have their own sleeping quarters in his apartment. In fact I would include that in my divorce/custody agreement if I were you. Your children are to have their own room, period. If they do in fact have their own room at Dad's and it was a case of them being scared and not used to the new situation then he & gf should have put those kids needs 1st and had gf sleep in another room for the night. I mean hells bells.... I'm sure you can sleep apart for a night or two to allow your children the time they need to get acclimated. Parents who can not put their own selfish needs aside and make their child's needs the priority really pluck my very nerve...grrr.

Peace and Blessings
T. B

P.S. I would not allow my children over there again until some sort of custody agreement stating the rules for both sides has been drawn up. Clearly your ex lacks common sense so you'll have to think for the both of you.

You REALLY need to go to court, get custody, child support and everything LEGAL and in WRITING. They are not just your kids, they are his as well. Maybe he's a crappy father, I don't know, but he has rights as well. If you don't take care of this NOW I can only see it getting worse :(
As far as them sleeping together, why do you assume there was something inappropriate going on? You mentioned his new girlfriend in previous questions, I have a feeling THAT is what's really hurting you. Don't use that as a reason not to let your kids see their dad, otherwise he may end up filing for custody himself, and I'm sure that's NOT what you want!

I agree that he's out of line by having his children sleep in the same bed with him and his girlfriend. It doesn't matter that you don't know anything about his girlfriend it's that he should have something arranged so your kids have their own space at his place. When my grandchildren sleep over I have them in sleeping bags which they really like.

I think at this point you need to go to court and have things figured out so that everyone is on the same page. Without a court order spelling everything out you'll just run into these situations over and over again. As it stands, without this you have no right to dictate anything that happens at his house.

Try and put the jealousy to the side and do what's best for the kids. I don't know...

you need to go to court. you can have it put into the documents about that......also call your local cps office to see if they can check it out.

i would not allow that either. Those kids belong in their own room. u could probably get a blow up bed. I'm sure the court would not approve of that. Good luck to u. At least he wants to be a part of their lives thats one plus.

I can imagine that you are hurt and confused. BUT you and he chose this when you chose divorce over working on your marriage.

She is a stranger to you, but not to him and not to your kids.

I'm sorry. You should get child support and he should have access to your kids.

Good luck to you and yours.