Very Hurt

What your SIL did is what I call "carrying tales."

Anytime someone "carries tales" to me, I tend to look negatively at the tale-bearer rather than the original tell-er if that makes any sense. Most of the time people carrying tales are up to no good. In other words, they are looking to one-up someone else, or garner favor from a parent or other authority, etc. Every now and then someone will "carry tales" for a legitimate reason - i.e., to warn someone to protect themselves against another person's wrong-doing.

The way you presented it - it sounds like your SIL was "carrying tales" for the wrong reason. She wasn't trying to protect your mom - she was trying to hurt you. And your sisters.

If I were you I would get my mom and sisters together and say "look, are we really going to allow this interloper to come between us after all these years ? Especially when we all know the trouble she has caused before? Mom- I have a feeling that whatever she told you that I said was blown WAY out of proportion and was not offered in the context in which I presented it."

I'm not saying that what you did was right - but the bottom line is what your SIL was WAY more wrong imho. She escalated the situation and breached your trust. I would never, ever trust her again.

Good luck and I hope all this works out for you.

PS: I highly doubt confronting her will do much good but if she asks you why you are giving her the cold shoulder then I would be honest. "You tried to destroy the relationship between my mother and me for no good reason, and unless you sincerely apologize and make amends it's going to be hard for me to move past this."

Hi Marianne,

Oh Goodness.... my heart goes out to you. What a horrid horrid horrid cowardly child you have for a grown sister-in-law!

I actually don't think YOU should confront her. I think your HUSBAND should confront HIS sister about ruining the baptismal of HIS CHILD and making HIS WIFE unhappy.

hmmmmm I actually am assuming that this is your brother's sister. It could be your brothers wife?????

Anyway - the reason I say don't confront her is that it isn't worth your time. She is not going to learn anything and she doesn't really care you feel or she wouldn't have done that to you in the first place. So, you won't get out of it what you want - which is for her to say you are sorry.

You don't have to TELL her that you won't be trusting her and she has ruined your relationship. You simply show her that with your actions. 'nuff said.

I would try to talk to your mom. If you can't actually talk to her.... write her a letter.

My mom is also a hoarder (big time - like the show. My sister and I used to joke that when A&E showed back to back episodes of "Intervention" and "Hoarders" it was like re-living Junior High!!!!!).
What I think is sometimes missing from their perpective is that YOU were affected also by their behavior. Sometimes they are so wrapped up in their own pain and their own issues that they don't really see you in all of it.

So you just simply say to her that you are sorry. You understand that you shouldn't have said what you did, but every once in a while you have feelings about your childhood that you need to talk about - and you don't really want to talk about it with her. Admit that you made a lapse in judgement in WHO you choose to trust and that it won't happen again.
Then tell her it would be really important to you and it would make you really happy if she would attend HER GRANDDAUGHTER'S baptism.

Hopefully your family will do the right thing and come together for the baptism. But if they don't - know that the IMPORTANT people will be there - that is YOU, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR HUSBAND AND GOD.

Good Luck,
B.

Confronting your SIL will do no good- it sounds as though she lives for drama and you will just add fuel to an unhealthy fire.

As for your mother, you need to have a face-to-face conversation with her and be honest with her about what was said, what was not said, why it was said and who was part of the conversation. You should apologize to her for sharing her "secret" with someone who should not be privy to that information.

If your mother and sisters are (understandably) angry with you, then you cannot do anything about that. You can, however, stress that the Baptism is about your child and that you don't want them to miss-out on your child's life experiences.

Some people really take pleasure in getting everyone else all whipped up. Ignore her and consider this "stupid tax" that you've paid and now you know for sure what she's all about. Her loss.

Tell your your brother and SIL to not bother coming... truthfully say the drama and malicious lies his wife starts makes her an unwanted guest. Talk to your brother first, tell him all that happened and the reactions to that (what your SIL said to your Mom, etc) and because of her continuous intentional hurtful dramas that 'surprisingly' come right before a major family function involving children other than hers - you cannot abide for her (his wife) to attend.

Go back to your sisters and Mother and tell them 100% truth of what you said, that you were sorry you said that - drunk or not - and their involvement in your daughter's ceremony is VERY important to you and include that you asked SIL not to come.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with lots of the other posts. You (sort of) owe your mom an apology. You can tell her you are truly sorry that you said something to your SIL and that your mom was hurt. You are sorry that she was hurt is the key here. As others have said, you do not need to apologize for needing to talk about her hoarding. My mom is a hoarder as well, and we have realized we do her no favors by keeping this secret. I don't shout it to the world, but I sometimes need to talk about it with friends for MY sanity. Like any other addiction, it is not healthy or helpful for you to keep this secret. Obviously, telling people like your SIL is probably not ideal, but you already know this! So that's one piece, you are sorry your mom was hurt, but you obviously needed to speak about it and this is fine for you.

As for you SIL, you've learned all that you need to about her. I would not start a whole family drama, but a simple e-mail or call to tell her how hurt and upset you are at her betrayal is fair. Nothing super harsh or mean, just saying that you are sorry that she betrayed your trust and hurt you, and you won't make that mistake (of trusting her) again.

FYI, there's a book called Buried in Treasures that my family and I have found helpful. Best of luck to you.

Option #1 - Arrange a meeting or conf call with mom and sisters, own up to exactly what you said and apologize, make sure they know in your own words what u said vs what SIL told your Mother. I would suggest to them a joint confrontation with your SIL & Brother should your sisters and Mom not believe you. that way your brother will see 1st hand what his wife has done, call her out on her lies in front of everyone and she can't tell your brother u said things u didn't because he's there to witness it. I would ask her why she felt the need to stir up such drama in the family? Admit you were wrong to ever say anything in the 1st place but there was no need for her to hurt your Mother this way. Be the bigger person and offer to forgive her this time but make it clear you do not appreciate this deceptiveness and drama.

Option 2 - Still contact Mom & Sisters, apologize for what u did say, remind them of SIL's history in the family for stirring up trouble....beg their forgiveness and attempt to move on with them. Then call your brother...not SIL, explain to him exactly what has happened with the lies his wife told and the drama she created. Tell him you don't appreciate it and tell him he is welcome to attend your child's baptism but SIL is no longer welcome in your life. May sound harsh but honestly life is too short to allow toxic people to drag you down. I know...I know...I'm a bit of a b**** but I don't and won't tolerate drama messing with my family.

.

I don't know about confronting her. She just passed along stuff you actually said. Not nice on her part, but also not nice on your part.

The baptism is for your child, not for your sisters. I would ignore the drama and enjoy your day without whoever doesn't show up. It's their loss not yours. Doesn't seem like they're very supportive of you anyway, so who cares what they do or think?

I think you need to do a couple of things: First, go to your mom, with your sisters and talk all this out. Come absolutely clean about exactly what you said to your SIL, even if its going to hurt feelings. I don't think it can get any worse... your family will forgive you in time, as long as your apology is sincere. Then, after you've explained your side to your mom and sisters and the healing begins, I would absolutely confront your SIL. Let her know you know exactly what she's done in sharing these hurtful things with your mom and ask her why she lied to her about other things? I would do this in person. Without your brother around. I would also make sure your mom, sisters and brother know that you've had a discussion with your SIL. Tell them before she has a chance to make anything else up. Don't hide what you've said to her. I think you've done enough back-biting. You need to bring a lot of transparency to this situation or it will only get worse. Ignoring what your SIL has done will only make you bitter and also suggests you're ashamed. You don't have to be confrontational or rude. Simple, matter of fact will do. Let everyone know the un-truths and don't hide anything else. Your SIL sounds like a bully and when confronted they really don't have any further resources with which to attack. I don't know why, but some people just thrive off drama. Also, please watch your tongue going forward. Too many mistakes are made when alcohol is involved!

Sounds like you may have already, but if not-call your sisters/mom and get them together-own your mistake, don't make an excuses and just apologize. Leave it at that.

Your SIL deserves to be called on her stuff too-so if you are worried about talking to her and then having her misconstrue it-get her in on the meeting. OR, send an email to your family-not lengthy, just faced based and explain your side. Problem with this is it will ensue a family email war drama, (been there-it sucks).

As far as the baptism goes-you need to separate the drama from the event. It's hard-but only you can ruin the day for yourself by letting the drama dampen your day. If they are not there-they miss out. Don't let your SIL actions take that away from you.

It does sound like your SIL is addicted to drama. I don't think confronting her would do any good. If she is not able to take responsibility for her actions and lies, then no good will come from any conversation that you may want to have with her at this point.

If I were you, I would give it a couple of days for everyone to calm down and then call my mom and my sisters and tell them something like, "Hey, you guys know me and you know [insert SIL name]. Do you really think I would say such horrible things like that about you? Here's what really happened . . ." Hopefully they will listen to you and will know, based upon previous history, where your head and your heart is really at.

I do think you are right, that your SIL probably did this on purpose. Some people cannot stand the spotlight being on other people or other people's kids and will do underhanded things to steal your thunder. Your brother probably will never understand what is really going on and, because this is his wife we are talking about, it's understandable that he will side with her. Just try your best to ignore the two of them for the time being and straighten it out with the rest of your family when you can.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hope you will be able to work this out really soon and that your son's baptism turns out to be a beautiful occassion.

I feel that you now know who to NOT trust with anything. You should simply carry on with your plans as they are and not make a big fuss over it all.

Dont worry about your SIL anymore. Lesson learned, shes a miserable person. Just try to get things right with your mom and your sisters. Good luck!

Apart from whether you should have told or not, Frankly... I don't think you should have to help your mom perpetuate HER secret.... as you know from the TLC hoarding show, hoarding is in fact an addiction problem... but in their case, they hoard .. it's their drug of choice. What I don't like having experienced drinkers for parents is that the addict wants EVERYONE around them to help keep the secret...... I suspect that since you told someone about your mom , you needed to vent.. Sometimes those who are no longer willing to keep "family secrets" are the ones considered the outsiders.. odd too, since they are usually the sane ones..
when I was about 11 I came home on a weekend visit to my mom's house and of course, she was drunk.. I asked her in a polite way, couldn't she stop drinking so much............. well you can imagine she flipped her lid and went through the roof and told me the same thing your mother did... " you are not my daughter" (As though that was some kind of privilege) anyway, like your mom, she shamed me..... I called her out on HER secret.....
granted, telling someone else about it maybe wasn't the best thing, on the other hand, HEY......... aren't you entitled to express how YOU feel.... if an addict is going to try and make everyone around them cater to THEIR illness, then you are so in the right to express how you feel to someone else..
clearly your mom needs help..... tough love is as it says tough.. it might mean that your mom chooses NOT to speak to you.. on the other hand, how fair is it of her to not address her problem? addicts are VERY selfish........ don't look to them to be reasonable and understanding if you are calling them out on their issue... you won't find sanity in an addict's behavior..
as for your SIL.. damn straight I'd confront her...... what do you have to lose at this point.. confront her and ask her point blank... why did you mention to your mom what you said??? even IF she has some kind of good reason (which I doubt) as it doesn't sound like she does things for a positive outcome.... I'd ask her about it..... if she truly felt she wanted to help matters, then perhaps a family intervention is needed.... and everyone needs to get on board..

Tell your family what you told her when you had a little too much wine and you are sorry. Be sure they understand that she has a problem with telling lies, and that you did not say the things you have claimed.

Really though, your mom's problem is difficult and has no doubt put a lot of stress on you, it's really not your fault for indulging something so hard to bear, and it's sad that your family would turn on you for that.

As for confronting your sil about the lies she spread, I would do what Sophie G said. Be calm, yet firm and ask her point blank why she feels the need to spread lies to your family.

Ask them if they can forgive you for your error, and to please not take it out on this special day of your child's baptism. If they can't get past it, then do all you can to be calm and graceful, and enjoy the baptism day of your child. They will come around eventually.

I am sending you a huge tight hug. I am holding you and telling you, it is going to be ok.

You made a mistake, you told SIL something that your mother wants kept secret. Is it the end of the world, NO. But it is important to your mom. Apologize, Apologize. Let your mom and sisters know it was a HUGE lapse in judgement, that you were weak. Let them know you love all of them and Promise (and follow through) that you are never, going to make a mistake like this again.

Your SIL is a piece of dog doo doo. What a dark soul she must have. She had to make all of the effort to call your mother, have a conversation and then somehow bring up this subject.. It is actually a bit frightening.

I have told 2 different people, I "will NEVER be able to ever trust YOU again." And girl I meant it. I did not ever tell them another thing of importance. Both of these people are relatives. They are toxic and thrive on drama. If their names come up, I excuse myself because I know it will not end up good.

I am going to guess, your brother deep down knows what a freak he is married to. No use trying to explain anything about her to him. Just let him know you have learned your lesson and will be polite to his wife, but you will be speaking directly to him about any personal family issues..

Do not be ugly about it, just let him know you have made a promise to the family and are going to stick with that.. Then place "post it" notes around and remind yourself not to share personal info with SIL.. ever again. You can be polite, speak with her, but never trust her again. Keep her at arms length.

My grandmother is a horder, and my aunts and cousin would go help her clean up her home. Grandmother hated it. IT seems to be generational thing. A co-workers mother passed away and she found 100's of used up bars of soap. So for your mom you and her will work this out. Time will heal.

For your sisiter in law.....you have to confront her. You will feel better. Retreating will seem as if what she said was true. I got into it with my SIL and come to find out, she saw things differently then the truth. It was cleared up. I still don't care for her, but I know in my mind I am set free.

The truth shall set you free.

As far as the baptism.... this is for your child. Prayfully your family will see that.