Very Depressed About Leaving Kids for a 5 Day Trip Abroad

It's your fear and anxiety causing the depression, not the trip. Time for counseling. Do it, and have fun with your DH.

S.:

I'm sorry you are going through this. What you are experiencing is NOT normal. Please contact your PCP (primary care physician) and ask for a referral to a mental health professional to help you with your anxiety.

Your husband needs to talk to his father about grabbing your children. Your child might not have been hurt - just shocked - and cried, I don't know. However, you need to have your husband talk to his father about how BOTH OF YOU PARENT.

Please see a therapist or some sort of counselor to help you deal with your anxiety and depression!!!

Good Luck!!

Your extreme level of anxiety is abnormal. Please consider seeking professional therapy in order to ensure that you can have a healthy, non-codependent relationship with your kids.

That said, I think that you need to talk to your MIL about your concerns about your FIL. She's a mom too, you know? I'm certain that she'll understand and keep a close eye on him to ensure he doesn't lose his patience.

Go on the trip. Enjoy it. Try to only call your kids once a day. They'll be just fine, and you'll learn a valuable lesson (that they are okay in someone else's hands).

♥Christy Lee

Please explain why you can't say anything if FIL gets rough with the kids. You should be able to advocate for your chidren. Your FIL may not be abusive but I would think he is borderline and scares the kids. Grabbing any child hard enough to make them cry is over the top.

I recommend counseling. You need to be able to talk all of this out with someone who can help you to understand that if your children are in a safe place and loved it is perfectly okay to go on a vacation with your hubby.

Honey, first of all, a big hug to you for all that you're going through. We all worry about leaving our kids, especially with relatives who aren't perfect. But... your fears are not normal. You're putting stress on your marriage, and spending months in a tizzy. You need to seek treatment. Please find a therapist or psychologist who you can work with on these fears. That's what is causing you to be depressed. You deserve to be happy. Please take steps to help yourself.

The trip isn't causing your anxiety, depression, or fear. It sounds to me as if you have severe separation anxiety from your children, and that's not healthy. It sounds as if separating from them contributes to your depression and anxiety, and that's not healthy. You shouldn't be feeling unsafe leaving your children with a loved one that's perfectly capable of caring for them even if it's not going to be exactly the same way you would care for them.

I've mentioned before that my father was very abusive to me growing up. He's an amazing grandfather to my children, though. I'm jealous that they get the best of him. When my middle daughter was tiny, though, she bolted for the street and he grabbed her hard enough to scare her and she cried as if she were hurt. That didn't count against him. I figured my child had to learn to cope with instances like that, and maybe she'd remember not to run into the fricking street.

You've been through a lot in the past year, and I think that's contributing a lot to how you're feeling this time. Please get to a therapist. You've got to work all of this out.

EDIT: Please, also... understand that I've BEEN where you are. I've HAD seriously horrible separation anxiety. I had it when I had my worst post-partum depression untreated. You can still show signs of PPD up through your youngest child being 2 years old and if you do get PPD but never treat it.... you can have it indefinitely. You could very well be suffering from PPD that's morphed into clinical depression.

This is NOT a criticism of you, okay? I need you to understand that. I see a lot of myself in your post except that even once a year I wasn't able to get myself to leave my children until I was in treatment for a while.

As others have stated, this level of fear and anxiety is not normal, and it is affecting your quality of life and your marriage. It is most likely affecting your children as well.

If you want this to get better you need to see your doctor. He or she can refer you to a therapist and prescribe medication to help with your anxiety, if medication is warranted.

I suffered from depression for many years, and while I didn't have the anxiety portion that you have, I have quite a few colleagues who've battled it.

I understand that you have legitimate concerns about your father-in-law. However, you can't really address those right now because the anxiety and depression affect your viewpoints. You need to get some professional help with that because it's really compromising your life. Even without the issue of the trips, you deserve to feel better.

I think you have the perfect window of opportunity now to get some counseling to help with everything - mourning the loss of your father, being concerned about your mother, worrying about your father-in-law's temper, wondering if your mother-in-law can keep him in check (although it sounds like she is on top of things and understands your concerns), and perhaps even being frustrated that your husband doesn't understand you. It's interesting to me that you say your father was your rock, but your husband isn't. So that needs some work too. A competent therapist can help you work out some strategies to keep your children safe and secure too.

I don't think you can do this alone. Really. You are carrying too much - you need an objective source with some professional expertise. Ask your physician or your OB/GYN for a referral to a counselor who accepts your medical insurance, and take some time to really take care of yourself. Your children deserve a mother who is healthy and calm.

It's good for children to understand that Mommy and Daddy can go away but they always come back. It's good for children to understand that they have others in their life who love them and care for them and can be relied upon. It makes for stronger and more secure children. Please help yourself so that they can have this experience.

I can't tell you if it's normal or not. I have similar—though not exact—feelings with my little one. My husband has the same deal at work, and I am so glad for him when he earns this huge reward, but I'd much rather it be for a shorter period of time or that it happened a few years later.

We've been enjoying each other for years. As soon as we had our baby, he got word that he'd earned the trip, to take place when the baby was a couple of months old. We didn't go. I agonized over it because he’d worked so hard and the location was dreamy, but I didn't even consider it an option for me. The following year, we went but I preferred to stay home. In my mind, the baby was still too young (and I was breastfeeding). This year, I'm on the same fence because I want him to get it (for his own sense of accomplishment), but I don't want to go.

It has nothing at all to do with spending time with hubby. I waited all this time to marry and then have my own child, and I resent having that interrupted with leaving the country for almost a week! It interrupts my goals and plans for being the kind of parent that I want to be. In my mind, having a child committed me to little to no social life for a while and certainly no days-long excursions while I’m still breastfeeding. I can go anywhere to spend a night or weekend with my husband, so I hate when people make it about needing couple time, like that’s the only way to do it. I hate to hear about leaving him in the “capable hands of people who love him”. That is not the point. I think that a week is too long for a child to have neither parent around (voluntarily), before a certain age, depending on what your goals are and how you plan to reach them.

My mother's husband loves my son, but he and I do not mesh well. I'm glad that my son loves him, but I do not like the idea of leaving my son with him for that long. If I'm not there, I want my mother to be there because I don't trust him to respect my parental choices. He's already shown me that he doesn't. Before he was born, this man showed me disrespect, so.... He's not an awful person, just far from my cup of tea. As my son gets older and more independent, this man exercises less regard for my parental preferences. The idea of leaving my 2yo with them this year hurts my heart.

I'm so sorry that you feel bullied into this. It is likely causing resentment toward your husband, as it is drastically taking away from your vision of yourself as a parent and forcing you to leave your children in a less-than-ideal situation. I think that you should certainly speak with a counselor who can help you to communicate your concerns to your husband and feel heard and validated by him. Just being heard can make a huge difference. I'm not sure how you relate with other people, but I would certainly intervene with someone—even a FIL—rough-handling my child. I don't think that it's coddling or over-protecting to make sure that your children always feel safe and, as I said earlier, not be without at least one parent for days at a time. It only negatively affects your marriage if you have very different views on this.

I think that this feels so upsetting to you because you feel like this choice has been snatched from you and it's very integral to your parenting style and needs. I know that it's so important to me because I've spent so much energy trying to adhere to my ideals, and this is one thing in my life that I OWN. This is a part of my life that I have so carefully entered into, a project that I researched and waited for, and now I am ON IT. I realize that it won't be perfectly ideal on the surface, but I still think that it's my responsibility to diligently work toward that all day every day, and I resent somebody just snatching that option away from me.

Anyway, I get it. Don't let anybody else tell you that you are wrong. This isn't about right or wrong, only about how it all lines up with your parenting goals. Leaving the country for days at a time without your children should not be the only way to get alone with your spouse. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love and support your husband and appreciate his hard work and success. Exotic trips are wonderful, but it's okay to acknowledge that sometimes the timing just stinks.

Sounds like we have the same life except that I don't go on exotic trips or vacations at all for that matter. My Dad passed away in 2010.

I think we have the same father-in-law. However, I have never seen him grab my kids. I have seen him yell and tell us what we are doing wrong on occasion. You should say something if he grabs them too hard to him. Stand up for yourself, please. I know it's hard especially if you and your FIL are not close, but you have to.

To put yourself at ease, you might want to leave them with your Mom from now on. I know it's a lot of work for one person, but maybe she could get some help from a friend, relative or sibling. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my kids with my in-laws for more than a few hours so I can't imagine days. My 6 yr old would drive them crazy.

I don't go away without my kids, but I'm weird like that. I would like to eventually go on a trip without them but I have no reliable or capable relatives to watch them. Could you just bring your kids on trips with you from now on so you don't have the fear and anxiety?

you are a great mom!!!! if you are planning on going and being miserable, don't go. if i had a trustworthy person, i would definitely do it. god only knows us moms need a little break. it seems like a great opportunity, go for it!!!!

Your anxiety is NOT abnormal. Feeling forced to leave your children with someone you don't trust 100% and traveling far away no less would cause anybody anxiety. Some folks have families that are very involved with their children or parents/in laws/siblings who are very capable of watching their kids while away and it is a great break for all. But when that is not the case you should not feel pressured to leave them.
That being said if you feel an excessive amount of anxiety when ever you are apart for children, say when they go to school or you go to the market, or you and your husband go to dinner etc... then there is nothing wrong with going to talk to a professional about it to see if you can do something to ease the anxiety. Otherwise you are fine dear. You couldn't pay me to leave the country for 5 days and leave my kids with a "loose cannon". Trust your instincts.

Having lived with a man like your father in law, I would not leave the children with him. I would leave them with a different family member or even a very trustworthy friend. They could stay then entire time with your mother and another family member could take them out on occasion to give her a break or spend a few hours helping her take care of them there at her house. Secondly, whether or not you are overreacting due to excessive anxiety can be determined by a psychiatrist. If your body responds well to meds for anxiety, then celebrate because you will be able to do more of what you have been wanting to do for so long. Even if you have a reasonable explanation to feel anxiety, like being separated from your little ones, or seeing your father in law hurt or scare your child, if the anxiety seems to get in the way of you making a quick decision, go to a professional so that your future decisions can be your best. This part of your post speaks volumes to me because I have been there: "I couldn't say anything because I am not supposed to...my Mother in law saw the deal and comforted me that she will be in charge fully while we are gone...I know I am not the norm." These are not healthy thoughts and they aren't true. Be your children's advocate in all things.

How strange that some people thought your fears were not normal.

I think they are completely normal. I personally don't believe it's normal for parents to leave their children for long periods of time, and so your anxiety at doing so makes complete sense, especially considering your FIL. I don't think that nature intended that (for the record, I'm also an attachment parent, in the traditional 1950's definition).

This doesn't mean I judge other parents - a bunch of my friends disagree with me (we've debated it!), and I know they're still wonderful parents who love their children completely. We just have different child-rearing philosophies.

I do not travel without my children. I absolutely wouldn't leave them with someone I don't trust, not even for an afternoon.

ETA: Having said that, many of the other posters seem to know something of your health history that I do not. If you suffer from depression or anxiety outside of these trips, these ailments could be magnifying your fears. You shouldn't be letting this make you sick, and if you can't control the worrying and think there is something truly wrong, you should seek help.

My dear friend always used to tell me that worrying never accomplished anything. Make the decision you need to make, and then be happy with it. If you are going to make yourself sick because of it, make the OTHER decision. I turned down trips to Spain, Japan, and South Africa with my husband because I was unwilling to leave my children. Was I sorry to miss them? Yes. Was I bit jealous of my husband? Yes. Do I regret my decision to stay behind? Absolutely not. My husband wasn't thrilled because he missed me, but he and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting (or at least he knows how to read the page I'm on). Best of luck to you.

I understand....you are a parent. One of the things you give up when children are born, is the freedom to go where ever, whenever! If you don't have a safe/comfortable place to leave your children, then you simply don't go! They'll be out of the house soon enough and you can travel then:) Don't feel guilty about not going!

If you have anxiety issues/problems and depression, have you seen a Doctor? Because, your condition is impacting the rest of your life and your relationship with your Husband.

In college I had a friend who has depression. She was seeing a Therapist and also had medication. It caused a lot of relationship problems with her then Boyfriend (who later they married), and because, he did not understand... her condition. SO then... he ALSO went to Counseling.
And they handled "her" depression issues, TOGETHER AS A TEAM. Only then, was their relationship quality, better.
Her now Husband, also went to Counseling... IN ORDER TO, learn how to deal with his Wife. Because, her condition was causing a LOT of stress, for HIM TOO.

So, the MAIN problem for you, is your Anxiety/Depression issues. And that is impacting everything else, and your relationship with your Husband.
You need to problem solve that, see a Doctor/Therapist etc., so that you can learn coping skills and/or get medication if need be.
Otherwise, it will "cripple" your life and your marriage. And children.

Then, make your MIL your ally.
She knows her Husband is a meanie and can't handle children.
SO she told you... that SHE WILL be "fully in charge" of your kids while you are gone. GOOD. Tell her you appreciate that etc.
THEN, your HUSBAND needs to deal with his Dad... telling him that handling your/his kids like that is NOT allowed.
Your HUSBAND... HAS TO be a PART of this, and deal with his Dad.
He can't handle the kids.

You ALSO have to deal with the grief of not having your Dad anymore.
You have MANY things, to cope with .
You NEED to see, a Therapist, for this and for your anxiety/depression issues.

Then, your Husband does not "see" all the problems you have. He only "sees" that you don't want to go on trips with him. So that gets him mad. Upset. And frustrated.
You BOTH need to be able to talk about this.
AND that you will seek Therapy and see your Doctor for your issues.
Your Husband, also needs to be on board, with this.
So that, your marriage, is a TEAM effort.
Your Husband, NEEDS TO CARE, about his Wife... too... for the anxiety/depression issues you have.
It is about your health.

Your anxiety is understandable but your depression for months is something of a concern. Anytime there are feelings or emotions that are keeping you from your daily routine, it is a good idea to work through them with a professional. Your husband should be able to get excited about the trip he has earned and what a double blessing to get to share it with you. If you carry on in any manner that does not show your pride in his efforts and excitement to be alone with him, it will dampen his spirits and lower what value he thinks you have in him. You can give him a gift as well by being so proud and excited! Does your husband deserve that? If you are carrying on in such a way that you fight about it, it is definitely something to be concerned about.

Your father-in-law didn't damage your husband, did he? If your husband, who knows his father inside and out, is not concerned about leaving your children, then they should be fine. Your mother-in-law will protect your kids with her life. She knows you expect it.

It is sad that you lost your dad this year. Sorry. That is going to bring up many emotions, but don't focus on the negative. Assuming that your mom will get to have her grandkids for part of the time you are gone, think about what joy that will bring to her! She must be so lonely right now. Imagine how excited she will be to have your kids and their cute smiles, language, expressions, etc. You are giving her a wonderful gift!

The first time I had to leave my kids for a wedding out-of-state, I felt so guilty until the mom who was watching my kids assured me that my kids needed a break from me just as much as I needed a break from them. I had never seen it like that before. I was with my kids almost 24/7 so it made so much sense. I never felt guilty again when I had to leave them (usually just once a year for 4-5 days). I would help my kids get so excited for their adventure at our friends' houses. I would talk about how jealous I was going to be that they were going to have so much fun without me. It just made them smile.

Start planning right now what actions you have to demonstrate and what words you need to say to be supportive, proud and even a little seductive. Then start practicing. Do the same with your kids. Start coming up with words of excitement and anticipation that you can use with them to get them excited when the time gets closer. Start visualizing it, and then doing it. The feelings will follow. As they say, fake it 'til you make it.

I would jump at the chance to go abroad with kids the ages you have. I would think of it as a get away and reunite with hubby without the interruptions of kids under foot.

Yes your FIL is a bit much but you have to remember that he does not have the kids underfoot 24/7 and is out of practice. Have your mom or friends watch them.

Get to the doctor or a therapist and get help. Your shouldn't be paralyzed with fear about leaving your children for a few days. Besides they will learn that mom and dad will return. Your husband is looking for the wife he married not the mom. If you can't separate the two you maybe looking at your later years alone once the kids are gone. No man is going to stay around forever and wish or hope that his wife will accompany him on an exotic trip which she never does. Someone else will.

The ball is in your court.

The other S.

I don't have time to read the other posters before I comment, but if you're that close to your boys - TELL THEM that their grandfather loves them, but that he has a short wick. Let them know they need to be on their best behavior and respond immediately - they're old enough to understand and that'll relieve YOUR anxiety too. Ask them to be helpers to your Mom now that your Dad won't be there. Make it their responsibility to be her little helpers. It's 5 days - ENJOY and recharge/reconnect with your husband. Being close to the kids is great - but he's YOUR partner - make him feel like HE'S important too.
I'd say he's probably upset that you don't want to spend time alone with him. I'd feel that way too if you were acting like you say you are.

Your kids probably have a ball when you are gone. It is a nice break for them. Your fears are not normal. Put on a smile, and enjoy the time with your husband.

I read the update also- Therapy is best for the anxiety. I would also tell your husband not to let you know until a week or two before. This way you get all your house in order and he can make arraingemtns with sitters letting them know not to tell you about it...until your frame of mind is bettter your happy about it and not overwhelmed with fear for your children. The therapist can also assest if its ok and explain in detail after receiving details about your fil if its ok to leave them with him.

I agree with your husband. I don't want to sound cruel, but I think you are WAY too attached to your boys. I can't wait to have time away from my kids (3 boys!). I would be jumping at the chance to take a free trip to an exotic locale.
It is great for your kids to be exposed to different people and how they work. Spending time with grandparents is an awesome thing. They get spoiled, grandparents are happy, etc...
I read your update and an glad you are going to therapy to sort out your feelings. Please don't be ashamed of them. Or that you need help.