Very Bad Relationship with 10 Year Old Daughter

You are the parent. You are not her friend.
You are in charge.
You do not walk on egg shells because she might get angry...
If she starts in on you, you tell her in no uncertain terms that she will NOT talk to you like that.
It's time to set some rules and some consequences.
You need to do it now because it's almost too late.
YMMV
LBC

I can't recommend strongly enough that you try an approach that empathizes with your daughter's feelings and needs. I have seen in many cases the truth of Theresa N's observation that kids who feel a lack of control are the ones who most desperately try to establish control, which can come out as irritability, bossiness, tantrums, etc. And some kids' emotional apparatus is put together more delicately, so they are triggered more easily.

There's a wonderful, practical book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, that will coach you in how to respectfully empathize with your daughter's feelings and needs, while keeping your own expectations and needs clear and firm. You can help her internalize her own sense of ethics. This can do wonders not only for her behavior, but for her understanding of authority and appreciation of your role in her life.

It will help your relationship with her if you can get into a better emotional space yourself. Confident, happy people are attractive, and inspire others to be like them. Consider finding social and creative outlets for yourself that will increase your sense of well-being. This could be anything from an exercise or yoga class, book club, hobby group, volunteer organization… the possibilities are wonderful and uplifting. If you feel better about yourself, your daughter will be more likely to admire and emulate you.

I wish you both a happier relationship, L..

I am not a psychologist, but I know enough that a child of any age who needs to be in 'contol' at all times feels that way because she feels there is a LACK of control in her life, children need a sense that a parent is in charge, not a parent who 'walks on eggs shells' or is just 'flexible'...I DO understand you may be taking in easy on her in hopes of making up for what you perceive is a deficit in her life (passive father, your career, etc), no parent LIKES to be tough! We all want it to be rainbows and butterflies! I hate to sound like a broken record, but in addition to HER counseling, I think you would REALLY benefit from some yourself, and maybe some parent coaching. A child needs to be needed to, it's essential to their self esteem to have goals, limits, rules, expectations, chores etc, without them she does not have a clear way to actually PLEASE you, she cannot feel like an important part of your life, it sounds like she has something of a murky path, like she does not really know WHAT you expect her to be....thus the grasping for control on her part. It will get worse from here Mom, recklessness with your feelings will move on to very bad and even dangerous decisions on her part. I hope you'll try very hard to find some family couneling that you like (you will not find one with the answers you want to hear, you will have to trust). The Mom daughter relationship is just the BEST, I'd hate to see you lose her or regrets....she REALLY needs you to model for her.......she REALLY needs you to be STRONG! God Bless and good luck!

Please keep looking for counseling for yourself and for your daughter. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find someone good. I grew up near where you live and I have heard good things about and agency that goes by FEGS but I can't recall what the full name is. Anyway, you might want to talk to someone yourself if you are feeling sad, lonely, insecure and stressed by your daughter's behavior (it is worth looking at if you have some depression issues-- they are very treatable by both talk therapy and drugs). It also seems like there are some parenting issues so you can find a good balance of being in charge and having some rules without being too permissive or too strict. Goo luck finding someone good to help you.

My good friend, while a single parent with 3 kids in middle school and high school... got for her son (since he was the one she had a hard time with), got him a "Big Brother." It was through her local "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" organization, which is a mentoring/buddy program for kids. It helped her son IMMENSELY... and he really improved and their relationship too. And it is free.
He is much happier and more stable now. Their Dad, her Ex Husband, was not a good role model.

Here is the link for it, maybe you can find one in your local area:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...

Often, a parent needs extra help... with their child and nothing is wrong with that.

Your Daughter is also a "tween", if you Google search that, lots of articles will come up, on their development.
Just keep trying... to have 2-way communication with her. As she becomes a Teen... it is important so that you can keep tabs on her life and how she is doing and so she comes to you with any problems, good or bad. My Dad did that with me, it helps a lot. I knew I could go to him with anything. And he would not judge me or criticize. But just be there for me.

TELL her you love her, no matter what... even if she is in a bad mood. That it is UNconditional... and that you accept her no matter what. Then show it. In your actions and words. For a Teen or any child, THAT is very important for them to know. They often do not 'know' that they are loved no matter what... and may rebel to gain that security. Or feel that they are not accepted or loved.
-My daughter is only 7... but at times when she was in a bad mood... she'd ask me "Do you Love me.... when I'm like this?" And I would always say YES... no matter what and even when Mommy is in a bad mood... I ALWAYS love you.... " and it made her feel better. She just needed confirmation.... and validation.
Most kids, even adults, are that way.

Next, does she have hobbies? Talents? Interests? Maybe she needs some positive outlets, that she can feel proud of.... within herself.

And, how are her friends? Do you keep tabs on what kinds of friends or peer problems she has, if any? This is a hard age... and their hormones fluctuate too... being on the cusp of Teen-hood.

Or just talk with her... not judging... but asking her- "What do you expect Mommy to do, when you are like this?".... then pause and wait for her to answer. Even if she is yelling... ask her and wait. Tell her, you walk on eggshells around her... and so you are asking HER... what HER solution would be or what is she looking for??? Because she is never pleased.... so what is HER "solution" to it all?
Tell her it is not fair.... you are her Mommy... always. But she has to meet you half way too.

Maybe a Female Counselor may be better for her. Men, won't understand a female teen, sometimes.

Try to help her/you now... before she gets older, and it gets worse, and then harder to undo.

all the best,
Susan

I have a nine year old whom I was experiencing the same kind of issue with. He has a spit home and she myself and his dad regularly. He was very demanding and wanted everything his way. I am only 24 so I had him very young and wanted to be his friend. I finally realized that he was not respecting that and talked to him about priveleges and respect. I also would give him everything becuase I thought that is what he needed. During the past 6 months I have tightened up my rope and now make him earn the things he has as well as take them away when he does not deserve them. My experience with him as well as myself with my mother who always tried to be my friend is that we as parents are not suppose to be our childs friend because it does not allow us the proper space to provide boundaries and guidance. I hope this helps. I hate to tell him no but most of the time thats what kids need.

Hi L.,

Sounds like you have a strong willed daughter (a great adult trait by the way), and your relationship has probably gotten more difficult since she has begun puberty now. I think being a flexible parent is great, but be sure you also are consistent. If the rules change then kids don't feel safe. They may get mad at the rules, but in the end they make them feel order to their world.

I'd suggest two things. #1-sit down and decide your rules. Then impose them. #2-Never impose them with anger and don't argue with your daughter. I know.......sounds hard, but it is easier than you think.

I advocate the "Love and Logic" books on this site much you would think I have stock in them. I don't, but I have seen them work for families many times. So if I can offer a 3rd suggestion: Buy the books.

I have a question? Why do you rarely have time for yourself? If your ex is as "present" as you say then what are you doing with the time when you are on your own? If he only keeps her when you are at work could you consider talking to him about taking her one night a week, or something that makes sense to you?

Try the books. It will be cheaper than counseling, and once a child reaches a certain age.....unless they are going by choice counseling is a hard thing to make work. If the books fail you, then get the counselor.

I'm so sorry that you feel a bit on your own and abandoned. Maybe you could find groups or clubs to join where you can meet people. Push yourself a bit.

My Best,
P.

Well I would sit down with your childs dad. So the two of you are on the same page. Maybe ask your childs dad if he thinks it would benefit your relationship with your daughter if the two of you went together for a weekend together. Just you and your daugther.
My kids don't like the word no either. That is tough I am charge not them.
Maybe get her involved in some type of community volunteer work. Such as volunteering at a nursing home. She would be forced to think of someone other than herself. Of course starting out she might like the idea but stick with it.
As far as not having time to yourself. Its probably a bit more apparent when there is only one child. I have three kids..my husband works extremely long hours I rarely get any time to myself not even while I am in the bathroom.
I would sit down and tell her the things I admire about her. Ask her the qualities she admires about herself. So she doesnt feel attacked..Good luck.