I posted back in July about my neighbor giving my daughter a little stuffed animal, and I was trying to figure out if his intentions were to try to get to know me or ask me for a date. Well, I haven't even seen him since that day, our schedules have been opposite, when before, we were passing each other often. Anyway, at 9:00 tonight (I was just putting my 5 yr old daughter to bed), he knocks on my door. Usually no one comes to my place, especially at night. I was a little freaked out just opening the door (I had the chain on), but he's my neighbor and he knew I was home, so I opened. He has 2 boxed princess toys that he's trying to give me, I say "No, I shouldn't, but thank you" and he says "yes, take them" I tried to delay it by saying "I'll stop by over the weekend" but I don't think he heard me (thank goodness) and he was being persistent and said "They are just old toys from my work, take them!" Again, I said "No, no I shouldn't" and he left kinda mad (or just miffed). Of course my daughter saw and heard everything, just through the crack in the door because I had the chain on. She asked me, did he have toys, and I explained to her, yes, but we don't take things from strangers, he's our neighbor, but we don't even know his name, and he shouldn't be knocking on the door late at night. *I have felt really guilty for accepting the first toy back in July, but I was caught off guard, anyway.. now what do I do?? Talk about awkward! What do I say/do when we cross paths again? I want to move!
Thanks for the responses. The situation makes me uncomfortable. And it stinks that I can't feel comfortable at my own home. To make things worse, I may be working until 10pm a few days a week, and will have a babysitter here (19 year old girl). So, when I'm not here I will be extra worried. Of course, I will explain to the babysitter and give her strict instructions regarding the neighbor (and others), but still, if I'm not here, I WILL WORRY.
"I shouldn't" is confusing.
Ask him why. Don't be shy about calling him out on his intensions.
"That's very thoughtful, but we don't know you well, and I want to send a message to my daughter re: taking things from people she's doesn't know..."
"Also, my daughter tends to go do sleep early so we don't have visitors after ..."
Be strong mama. Weak comes off as prey. When you are strong, you will know his true intensions.
I think he's just a clueless guy who came over when it was convenient and brought some extra toys and is confused as to why you seem so opposed to taking the toys. You could ask him his name next time you see him and ask him where he works and why they extras toys. You could also mention that you don't like visitors at night.
I would be weirded out by neighbors randomly bearing gifts to my child. Then getting mad?? Weird, and bazaar.
You didn't take it, and I think that was they very best thing. That's all you do. Don't accept. He will get the hint. If he keeps persisting, you can report him to your landlord or apartment manager.
I think your instincts were right. People don't usually come by to visit at 9:00 unless they are looking for some "action".
You were trying to politely decline his offer, and he got mad. Now it's his problem. You shouldn't be the one to feel awkward. He'll probably give up on you after this. Probably a good thing. You don't have to do anything at this point. Just write him off, and make sure your daughter knows not to talk to him unless you are around.
I don't know why you would be "scared" if he asked you out. I would be scared if he was after my daughter.
If he just wants to ask you out, that's easy. You just say, "No, I won't be dating until after my daughter is grown. Right now, all my time needs to go to her." He won't have a good reason to make you put your needs before your daughter's.
But if he is insisting on giving your daughter gifts, it sounds like he is trying to warm up to her. There's a huge red flag.
In the likelihood of your paths crossing, have an answer ready for whatever he might ask or say. For example, if he wants to give toys again, tell him that he should donate the toys to NEEDY children.
I recall your original post and was glad to hear you hadn't run into him since then because my red flag went up with your previous post too. It's good you didn't let him and and declined his gift. If you cross paths again, I'd ignore him if possible (pretend to be busy with your phone :) and if you can not avoid him I would be very curt and quick with him. It's good that you stressed with your daughter that you don't accept gifts from him and don't talk with him if you are not around.
It's alarming that he insisted and got mad when you did not accept his gift. If it was truely a friendly offer, an extra toy, he would not have cared and brought it to Goodwill the next day. He was looking for an "in" to your home late at night, where you are alone with your daughter.
From now on, you won't be caught off guard by him because you see a pattern. You now know he is at best someone who makes you uncomfortable and at worst a predator to you and/or your daughter. Keep him away and firmly stand your ground.
Good for you Mama for trusting your gut instinct. It will always lead you the right way.
p.s. - have you searched for him on familywatchdog.us?? This is only the registered (i.e. caught and prosecuted) offenders and just because he is not on here does not make him ok - but it's good to know your neighborhood.
Red flag!!! Lock your doors and DO NOT ANSWER IT for anyone at that time. A little chain will not hold your door closed. What the hell is he thinking. You do not even know his name. He is a weirdo!!! I would be leaving those toys on his front steps or getting rid of them. Do your other neighbors know him that you can ask about him. Be careful because he sounds like a strange one!!
Another thing why is buying your daughter gifts. Make sure she is not to talk to him. Why is he doing this? Keep a keen eye on her. What a creep!!
Ok, didn't read your first post, but let me tell you this:
We moved in here in March, 2011 and got to know only one elderly neighbor. We always saw a middle aged family across the cul-de-sac but since they were'nt wavers, neither were we.
One day, Mike knocked on our door. His "adopted" nephew was playing over at their pool and wanted to know if our girls could come swim. We accepted and come to find out, he's a retired military guy and he and his wife are the sweetest people!!! They are our new go-to people. I love them.
For more than a year I thought they were jerks, and I'm sure they thought the same, but now.... We are almost best friends!
I would let the apartment management know this exchange occurred and so it will give them a heads up about this guy and see if anyone else complains. Steer clear of him and stress to your daughter again that we do not know him and do not take anything from him especially if he approaches her when she is alone. I would make sure that she is never alone too.
That is a HUGE red flag to me that he came over at that hour of night when most children are already in bed. Another flag is he got angry when you did not take the gifts. Why was he angry over that? You don't know him. This is not a good situation at all.
He may have good intentions and trying to be friendly but he went about it all wrong.
I'm with Malia, It is strange that he had something to offer your daughter.
It sounds more like he is grooming your daughter, than you. I would be very scared of this guy! Do NOT take his gifts or let him around your girl, teach her to be wary of him and stranger danger and what to do if he approaches her.
hmmm, not trying to talk you out of your feelings but the 9 pm thing doesn't raise as many flags to me, because first you said your schedules have been opposite--so maybe this was a time when he was home and knew you were home.
Second there are plenty of people on here that make it clear they don't keep an early bed time for their kids and if your dd heard the whole thing maybe she wasn't in bed.
Third maybe he actually thought she was in bed and that that time of night he could offer the toy and let you decide if it was appropriate to give it to her.
The red flad to me is him getting mad. but i do think you need to not worry at all about being nice.
Firmly " I will NOT accept any more toys from you, Thank you very much" no more explaination necessary, but if you feel the need what the previous poster said about "concentrating on being good mom is all you need to worry aboaut right now."
Find out his name, not from him (he'll think you're interested in him if you ask) but from the landlord if you can. Search on him online. You also need to know his name if you ever feel you have to call the police. See if you can find out (without asking him) where he works -- why would he have access to kids' toys? It might be totally for real, or not, but you can't know.
You need to have a very, very serious and firm talk with the babysitter--without your child there and where your child cannot overhear. The babysitter must open the door to NO ONE except you. Even if someone says, "It's the police" she should shout back that she does not open the door unless they show themselves outside the windows where she can see them in uniform! Warn her that people can claim to be lots of things -- I'm making a delivery from Fed Ex, I've got a late delivery of flowers, I'm with a charity collecting money, I'm the mom's friend and I'm supposed to wait here until she gets home from work. If your babysitter is not mature and smart enough to deal with this and think on her feet you will have to get another one. But emphasize that she does NOT have to open a door just because someone knocks on it. Set it up so that when you are coming home you phone her as you are walking up the stairs so she knows it's you.
If you have a real, live landlord (and not some faraway company that has no real person on the site), talk to that landlord about your discomfort with this neighbor. Report any and every other such incident.
He may indeed be a nice guy after all. A guy with no "social radar" to tell him he's being creepy and should back off. He may truly just want to give toys to a sweet kid with absolutely no other agenda -- it's sad that today we have to read a possibly evil intent into everything. But for your daughter's sake, go with your gut for now.
Make sure the babysitter does NOT answer the door.
You stop answering the door.
His reaction says it all.
Trust your instincts.
Due to the schedules being so different, it's not surprising that 9:00 might be the only time he thought he could stop by your door. I wouldn't have too much problem with that.
I wouldn't even have an issue with him offering a couple of toys for my daughter. It's a very sweet gesture and at face value, I wouldn't necessarily assume bad intentions or an ulterior motive. However, I haven't ever met him face to face so we have to rely on YOUR gut instinct. If you feel it's better not to accept any gifts from him, then you were right to refuse.
What I d have an issue with, a huge issue, is that you had to refuse more than twice. A good faith, "Oh, please take the toys, they're from my old job" is harmless until you refuse again and he continues to persist... and persist... and persist. That persistence and refusing to take "no" for an answer over something so simple as a child's toy and not being able to read your anxiety, not being able to back off and ease your anxiety, not being able to check himself... then not just being annoyed but angry and showing that anger?
I wouldn't feel guilty over accepting the first gift. You have no reason for guilt.
What I would love for you to do is find your voice and your confidence. Be certain of yourself when he offers you something or asks you to do something. Practice saying no and "no thank you" in a strong and firm voice. Practice direct eye contact, which you can do even through a chain-locked door.
"I'm not comfortable taking gifts. I would also appreciate it if you didn't come by unannounced again. Thank you. Good bye."
"I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable and would hate to have to talk to our landlord. I would prefer it if we could simply go our own ways while we're neighbors. Thank you. Good bye."
And not for nothing, but you don't have to answer your door at any time at all unless you know who it is and are expecting them willingly. There's no set of manners that says you MUST answer your door unwillingly even if the person knocking knows you're home.
If things get to uncomfortable for you, talk to your landlord. I would be interested to know how other female tenants have handled him.
Your comment that he seemed mad is all I need to hear to know that he is not someone you should let into your apartment. It was stupid of him to come by at 9:00 pm, but I could forgive that, knowing that your schedule is like it is. However, the getting mad part means that he does not care about your feelings - he just wants what he wants.
He should have said "I know it's late and I don't want to impose, but I'd like to leave these toys here for your daughter - they're from work and I don't have a place for them. Hope to see you soon!" and then he should have walked away.
If you do decide to write a note, don't apologize. Just tell him that you really don't know him and you aren't interested in dating anyone at this time. You just want to focus on your motherhood. Leave it at that. If he won't take the hint, then you will know you have a problem.
Good luck,
Dawn
I'd find out his name from your manager if you can.
Write him a little note: Dear Fred, I appreciate your kindness BUT I'm a single mother teaching my daughter how to be safe.... I'm setting an example for her about "strangers" and I hope you understand that this is not personal but more of a safety issue and my ever so strong mommy instincts do not allow me to socialize with people that I do not know.
Please forgive me."
It's sad because I really believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes to our safety and the safety of our child, paranoid gut instincts come into play and we just have to listen to them. We have them for a reason.
I doubt the guy is dangerous, he just failed with his approach.
Knocking on your door at 9pm is dumb. Some men are clueless. In his mind maybe he figured this would be the only chance to talk to you since your paths havent crossed in some time.
Since he's such a buffoon he lost your interest at "hello" and obviously is not going to recover from it. LOL
