My daughter had her wisdom teeth out at 8:45 this morning. She was put under. I sent a message to the hubby at 11 asking if they were home yet. No response. Sent another at 2 asking how she was doing. At 2:30, he responds saying they were home since 10. All went well, blah blah blah. I asked why he didn't let me know sooner. He said he was sleeping. I asked if he couldn't have taken 2 seconds to say "We're home. All went well" and he blew up. "I should just trust that the 2 of them would be fine." and "I didn't tell him I wanted an immediate update." and "He guesses he should have put me before his or my daughter's well being"
Am I expecting too much be expecting to be updated on my daughter's well being after surgery?
Response after a few responses from you:
My hubby is normally the one who is all chatty, not me. So it was strange for him not to call.
I have told him many times that I want to be kept updated, but he just doesn't get it. His family sees no problem in calling a week or longer after his mom has been in the hospital, so he doesn't think its any big deal to do that to me. Its frustrating when I come from a family who is not like that.
I will take your advice tho and apologize for not communicating with him my expectations.
It would upset me also not having any update, but people think differently. He sounds a bit defensive about the well being comment though b/c he was taking a nap in the middle of the day. Sounds like you both reacted and had different expectations.
My son was put under and I texted his dad and my fiance before we were home as they had both asked for updates. Everyone is different.
No, you're not expecting too much - BUT dad was probably emotionally wiped, not thinking, and crashed. You were right, but if he's one of those "keep it inside when I worry" guys, that's probably what happened, so I'd cut him some slack on it. His little girl was in surgery, then ok, and he just deflated when he got her home.
"Why didn't you - " "Couldn't you have just - " and other versions of the same only serve to accuse and belittle, especially when your husband has no "good" answer. All he can do is get defensive. What do you expect? Especially when he is probably just as emotionally drained as you about the surgery.
Instead of focusing on why he didn't do something you assumed was obvious in this instance, instead kindly request what you would like to have happen in the future. "Thanks for calling, hon. I figured you guys were fine, but it's nice to hear. Next time though, would you please call me right when you get home? She's been on my mind all day and I'd appreciate knowing sooner how things went."
You'd be amazing how many things women assume are SUPER OBVIOUS are really not to men. I've had to learn to ask and set my expectations for the littlest things, if I know something is important to me and I want it done a certain way.
It's not too late to have this conversation with your husband, actually. When you get home just greet him with an apology to smooth over the argument, and then set expectations for next time. "Hey hon, sorry I sounded like I was snapping at you earlier. I was just stressed about the surgery and not hearing anything. Next time, could you please call me earlier? I'd feel much better."
The problem I see is that your HUSBAND was sleeping. Why? He should have been awake taking care of your daughter. I went through this with two kids, and I can't for the life of me understand this...
If he was "out" so much that he didn't hear the phone, he wouldn't have heard her either. I'd be SO pissed...
D.:
It's not that you were expecting too much. It's that even for Dad's surgery's - however simple - can be taxing.
When I "war dial" my husband - he gets pissed. If there was news to report - he would. Now - after 16 years of marriage - he knows that I need information. So we communicate instead of fight.
My husband also gets pissy when I am gone and I call to check in. he exploded too at one time saying "DO YOU NOT THINK I CAN CARE FOR OUR CHILDREN?!??!?!?!?!" um., no, dear - I believe you are capable of handling our children...
men have different expectations than women. I know it's hard. W. are typically very tactile and chatty...men? not so much....so when you get home - thank him for taking care of your daughter today and tell him you are sorry (no, I do NOT think you did anything wrong!!) for being worried about your daughter. It's that simple. You were concerned and worried. You wanted information. Your expectations were not communicated to him....see - men go for the "NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS" - seriously.
You did NOT do anything wrong, really. You just didn't tell him what you expected. He cannot read your mind. He will NOT assume you need minute by minute updates...if there is a next time - just tell him what you expect...then you won't have this problem in the future!
Good luck.
Considering that there was just a news story the other day where a 24 year old man died during his wisdom teeth removal surgery... Yes, I would definitely be pissed if hubby didn't tell me that all went well.
I had to take my older daughter in for her wisdom teeth, she was put under as well. We picked up her scrips and I took her home and went back to work with the instructions call me or your dad if you need anything. She was fine, life went on, no big deal. It was days before her father even bothered to call.
By reacting the way you are you are saying you don't trust he would call you if something went wrong. Is that really what you believe?
Guess I am saying no news is good news so why are you upset?
Men don't think.
You could have told him, BEFORE you left for work, (as men often need a head's up), that after the surgery, to let you know how it went etc.
Men, cannot read a woman's mind.
I think you're creating a big problem when you don't need to. Yes, it would have been great if he'd updated you sooner, but he didn't and he can't change that now so don't make a big fuss.
You asked why he didn't let you know sooner and he answered he was sleeping. Then you went back at him and, by saying "couldn't you have taken two seconds..." is pretty accusatory and problem irritated him, especially over text when he couldn't hear your tone of voice.
Texting is probably the worst way to communicate about important stuff.
he is a guy. that darned nap came in a way of him doing the right thing :)
I know you were worried about your daughter. Hey, I'm a mom, so no problem with understanding that.
I think that perhaps from your husband's point of view, you may have seemed to be insinuating that he wasn't capable of taking care of her.
My EX husband has taken our son to plenty of dental and medical appointments and I don't expect to hear from him while I'm at work unless something goes wrong. There's never been an emergency when my ex has taken him.
I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed at the same time and I literally woke up wondering when they were going to get started. It was already over. I didn't feel a thing. I went home and slept. It's far more taxing on the parent who has to go and wait and worry.
Just saying.......
I'm not trying to negate your feelings at all, I just think that your husband felt he was handling the situation and all went well. Now he's having a hard time understanding why you are mad at him because he didn't TELL you that he handled it and everything was okay.
If your daughter is fine and the turmoil is over, I would say to just let it go as opposed to fighting about it. You were worried and nervous. There's nothing wrong with admitting it. Beyond that, let it go this time and let him know that next time, it will calm your nerves to hear from him, even just for a second.
Let him know, for sure, that it has nothing to do with not trusting him.
Best wishes.
I am with you. There is a risk of death when being put under and although rare, it does happen. He should have called to say she was out of surgery. My husband calls me out of consideration to tell me he has picked up my 15yo from wherever it is she has been on a Friday and Saturday night so I would absolutely expect a phone call to say everything was ok. I even call my husband to say that my kids well check visits were fine:).
