Unsolicited Advice - Parenting or Otherwise

My Houdini daughter had a harness at a young age for good reason. I received a lot of unwanted comments about treating her like a dog or did I know she wasn't an animal. Usually I tried to ignore. Occasionally I would say thanks for clearing that up for me and a few times asked where they would be if she came up missing. I was also of the opinion it was much nicer for her not to have to walk with her hand extended above her head to hold my hand for long periods of time.

I want to help families if I see them struggling. Recently I was honored to be able to hold a baby for a mom in the hotel we were staying in. It was obvious she had not slept well and was a bit frazzled. I asked her how long it had been since she ate a hot meal while it was hot. She grinned. I told her I remembered those days in the trenches and would love to hold her infant and allow her to eat and I would stay right there. I have a 15 and 11 and would love the opportunity to hold a baby again. She was so grateful and told me she couldn't remember the last time she was able to eat like that. Then she asked if I had ever thought about being a nanny. ;)

My best friend has 4 kids on the spectrum. She works hard all the time and taking them places can be difficult. She wants to do "normal" activities with her family and yet she regularly receives unsolicited advice or rude comments because her children look normal. Please know she is an incredible woman and sometimes when I get off the phone with her my heart breaks.

When I am tempted to judge, I remember my friend and try to help instead.

Blessings!
L.

When my oldest daughter was very little we were in a parking lot and as I was holding her hand she quickly got out of my grip and started to dart in front of an oncoming car. The quickest and only thing I could do was yell stop and grab her pony tail to avoid her being hit. I had a lady who started going off saying I pulled her hair. I was stunned and let her know I would rather have pulled her back by her pony tail than peel her off the ground.

I flew with my three boys (5, 3, and 9 months at the time--they are all kind of little, so they probably looked 3, 2, 1) once by myself. We were going to my husband's grandmother's 95th birthday. My kids were perfect, literally perfect the entire day--and I was very well-prepared for the flight. While we were waiting just off the plane for the stroller (my 5 year old walked, my 3 year old was in the stroller, and I was wearing my 9 month old in a baby carrier), an older lady looked at them and said, "Maybe Daddy needs to come along next time". The 5 & 3 year old were standing perfectly still & silent out of the way and my 9 month old was sleeping--seriously, they were model children. I shot back with, "He would love to be here, but he's deployed to Iraq. And, I think he'd be unbelievably proud of how they're behaving". I thought the lady was going to cry.

Whenever I see a mom (or dad) traveling alone with kids, I always try to find a way to help--especially through security.

I've been horribly criticized by strangers. I had supplement with formula for both of my children when they were babies, and friends and strangers alike ripped me apart over what they viewed as my "selfish, uneducated choice", never taking time to understand that it wasn't my "choice" at all. I used to hide in the car to feed my kids a bottle to avoid the almost constant backlash. People don't want to hear the real story, they just want to dispense advice. It was a very difficult time in my life, and part of the reason I will not have any more children.

My children both have Type 1 Diabetes and I can't even begin to tell you the horrible things that have been said to us. People are so ignorant about T1D, but still feel themselves experts because their uncle's, cousin's, great grandma's, neighbor's cat had "the diabetes". I had to get used to cheerfully delivering comebacks in a hurry! It's easy to have grace on the people who are just trying to help, but those who are just plain cruel don't get a grace filled response anymore. Anyone who criticizes me now gets a mini seminar about Type 1 diabetes. Lucky them! :) Oh, and Woe unto those who try to sell me a natural supplement to "cure" diabetes. Yuck.

I'm thankful that all of this has made me more compassionate and understanding. I'm also thankful for the multitude of people who have supported and loved us through our kids diagnoses and beyond. Those people often get overshadowed by the horrible people, and it shouldn't be so!

I wish I could give you a flower for this post!

I was harshly judged by a stranger in public once for bottle-feeding my daughter. My ignoring her only seemed to make it worse- I finally had to tell her very calmly to go away or I would call for security.

But I knew why I was bottle feeding and it was none of her business and quite honestly, I didn't CARE what she thought... which is why it was so easy for me to ignore her and not take it personally. She was some random, ignorant stranger that obviously needed a hobby.

Fortunately, this was really the only time I can remember being publicly criticized for my parenting. I have been lucky to not have had any significant encounters with unsolicited advice/criticism.

When I see kids melting down in the store, I am empathetic. Nobody can know the type of day a person is having or what the situation is with their child, so who am I to judge? I am certainly not the most perfect parent, so where would I get off trying to tell others how to do it?

This article is a real reminder to us all that everyone has their own battles in life and a good dose of MYOB can be the best thing to do. Parenting is hard enough. Either be nice or keep quiet. :)

Oh, and KM- awesome response!!

My husband and I went to an outdoor music/food festival here in Seattle when my kids were 4 and 9 months. It was so freakin' hot. My husband went off to find something to eat and I went to find shade to feed my 4 year old (I brought snacks!) and nurse my baby. I did NOT flip my boob out, I just had him latch on and you could see his head, not even my skin was showing. This girl/woman (probably early 20's) kept giving me the stink eye, loudly proclaiming how disgusting it was that my boobs were hanging out, yada yada yada. (she was about 30 feet away from me!) I was so mad I am sure my milk curdled.
When my husband got back I told him what happened. We packed everything up, got the kids ready and as we walked by her I pulled my shirt down, breasts swaying freely, and said, "THIS is what it looks like when my breasts are hanging out! I was feeding my BABY!" She was horrified. It probably was not my best moment. :)

You made me smile.

When I read your post all I could think about what how often people ask for advice on this site and then get mad at the responses! And they asked for it! So of course, no one appreciates unsolicited advice! Thanks for the smile.

Meh.
Many people give their 'best' parenting advice before they have kids.
And as soon as they have their own they throw that advice out the window.
Different kids need different approaches and not everything that works for one kid will work for another - even with siblings.

People sometimes have attitudes about toddlers on leashes.
Our son absolutely needed a leash when he was 2-3 yrs old.
Anything could catch his attention and he'd be off in a flash.
I got plenty of dirty looks and simply didn't care - I knew where our son was at all times and he never got lost in a store or the mall (or anywhere).
I've seen plenty of people in an absolute PANIC while their child had wandered off and then fell asleep under a clothes rack.

I don't feel any particular need to be polite to people who stick their nose in where it doesn't belong and I don't have to explain myself either.
A simple 'blow it out your ear' usually shuts them up.

By being so hurt/feeling attacked - you give these people WAY too much power over you.
Never care what an idiot thinks.

I have a disability and I had a child with special needs. You learn to let comments go and not even think about them after a while. In one ear, out the other.

My husband always says "Thank you. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it".

I smile and don't respond. I assume they are well meaning (generally, people are) but I don't feel I have to get into a discussion with them, or owe them an explanation.

We stop and offer assistance if we come across people who are struggling, ask "How can we help you?" If they say "we're fine" we move on.

I have season tickets to a very nice theatre for myself and my seven year old son. Before buying tikcets, we saw two shows together, so I was well aware that he enjoyed and appreciated the shows and could behave himself properly. Every time we have gone, there have been comments, looks, and/or eye rolling. It actually amuses me at this point. This one couple sat next to us recently and the wife was making all these exaggerated sighs, whispering to her husband, looking over at us. Then the husband switched seats with her. Some of the comments I overheard were "it's ridiculous, this is a school night" and "it's just rude to everyone else." At one point, about ten minutes into the show, my son sighed and shook his head at me during a "kissy face" part. The wife leaned over her husband an glared at me. The funny thing is...other than laughing, cheering, and clapping in appropriate places, he was perfectly quiet. On the other hand, there were several ADULTS around us that were chatting, re-capping plot points, and even one answered cell call (which blew my mind). At the end of the show, the husband shook my sons hand and said it was nice to sit next to such a good theatre patron.
Since we have season tickets, many of the people around us recognize us now, and my son gets smiles and waves instead of glares. While I recognize that not every kid is going to behave for a full production (hence, my four year old is not invited yet), I hope that my kid has a small impact on opening some minds to the possibility that kids SHOULD participate in the arts. How else will there be an audience in the future??

I travel quite a bit for work, and when I am by myself I always try to help out anyone travelling with little ones. Come sit next to me, I will not judge you! If your baby cries, squirms, has a runny nose, I will sympathize, offer distraction if I can, and pass over my extra tissues. I have been there.

I have been on the receiving end of kindness.

My second son has a very reactive personality. As a toddler he easily over stimulated, over reacted to everything and was very hard to soothe and settle down.

We were leaving the Wisconsin Dells. He fell asleep in the stroller. Just as we were driving away my older son accidentally woke him. So he started screaming as we were driving. We drove tense and white knuckled for about 30m hoping he would fall asleep. So he go a bit quieter, but of course by this time the older son was hungry for lunch and we thought maybe food would make the younger one sleepy for the rest of the way home.

Well of course not, the restaurant just over stimulated him. So my husband and I decided to get the older son settled, try to feed younger, try to have some food ourselves, and take younger outside to let older son finish if need be.

So we are tense, tired, arguing, and feeling humiliated with all the stares.
We had a group sitting next to us which consisted of 3 couples (late 50's maybe) and a few younger adults. They kept staring at us.

So my husband eats half a burger, younger son still screaming and then is so frustrated he gets him out of the hi-chair to take him outside.

One of the ladies(from the 3 couples) asked us where my husband was going, and I started to apologize for ruining their lunch. She looked at my husband and said something like, " Sit down with your family. This is what it sounds like and looks like to raise a young family. If the other people don't like it, they can leave. This is hard work and you should not feel bad for doing your job as parents. You are under more stress then they are right now". Then they sat there the whole time with us talking, and sharing their crying kid stories. My son did not settle down, so my husband and I took turns walking with him outside.

Their empathy eased so much of the tension of that day and built our confidence as parents. It was a wonderful lesson to experience.

The couples had been neighbors who got together once a year for the past 20+ years to keep in touch. The younger adults were their adult children who grew up in the neighborhood together.

Now, 8 years later my first thought when I hear a child having a tantrum and see the parent fighting to settle the child or hiding from eye contact as they are just trying to leave, is the empathy and kindness these people showed us.

I try to offer empathy or stand up to the judgmental others staring down the parent who is already under so much stress.

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For a long time the ONLY restaurant by us was Chilis. A few times we tried to go their as a family, and my son just could not handle the stimulation. He could just about handle it until the food came (of course) and he would have a melt down and we would tell the food server to wrap it to go and give us the bill ASAP.

We went there this week, and eight years later, he enjoys it. But what did we hear....lots of other melt downs....it was of course Tuesday night and on this night 'kids eat free'

My husband and I just smiled and listened to hard work of all those other parents :-).

I think patrons do deserve a nice night out to enjoy dinner, but I also think if you go to a family restaurant at an earlier dinner time, you hold be prepared to hear all young families.

Can't wait to read the other responses.

When our son was little he liked to chew on his socks. We would go to the grocery store in the middle of winter, and I would immediately take his socks off and put them in my pocket. If I didn't do this, he would take them off himself and chew on them. If I didn't have another pair with me, he'd have to wear wet socks back to the car. No thank you.

I had plenty of people tell me that my child really should be wearing socks in the middle of winter. Oh, really? That hadn't occurred to me :-)

My response depended on the mood I was in. Sometimes it was, "Oh, thye're in my pocket. (Sing songy voice) Otherwise you would chew on them. Wouldn't you? Yes, you would."

Most of the time it was a simple, "Thanks, I've got this ... " with me just walking away.

What can you do, right? People mean well, but I don't think they realize that by giving an opinion in that way, they are more or less calling the parent(s) incompetent.

This wasn't done to my face. We had just finished a long flight with our infant son. He had been hot on the plane so we had him in just his short sleeve shirt and pants. I had him in my arms with a light blanket thrown over him for the short walk off the plane ramp (very cold outside). As we are walking in the airport, we overhear one of the stewardesses from our plane talking about the irresponsible parents that didn't put a coat on their baby. Then she started complaining about a bunch of other passengers on the plane. She clearly had no idea we were walking right behind her. Her fellow stewards didn't contribute anything to her rant. We tapped her on the shoulder and told her that we could hear her and how shockingly unprofessional her behavior was. We were met by a stunned expression...she was rightfully speechless. Her fellow stewards apologized to us for her. Hopefully, she'll learn to keep her mouth shut at least until she is out of the airport.

I have a disabled placard after having numerous orthopedic operations. I have a habit of not using disabled slots unless I need to, leaving them to those whose need may be greater. If I am having a high pain day or there are no parking spots close enough for me to manage, then I use the slots. One day an older man approached me with a disagreeable demeanor, he demanded to know what my disability was, wanted to see my DMV paperwork, and to know why I was taking a parking space away from disabled older people. I don't know what made me say this, maybe it was how it was said, the rudeness? Perhaps it was his arrogance in demanding to invade my privacy? Anyway, I said, "Sure, you can see it, but it will cost you $10.00." hahahaha The man just walked away. He sure was an angry person.

Haha Yes! It happened to us too. When my autistic child was 4 and nonverbal. She was frustrated about something and had a tiny meltdown (even at her worse they lasted less than a min not counting a psychotic episode that was a side effect of her meds). A stranger intervened and said some words. I'm sure Its in my hx of posts. Someone her said that parents like me should not blame strangers like her because they do not know my child's condition. My reply is always that because of the fact that children like mine do not wear a scarlet letter, strangers in general should refrain from making comments and offering unsolicited advice.

***Off to read the link now

LOL, RK! SO true! They come on here and tell their life stories and then get mad when you reference what they've talked about before in order to make sense!

There are other countries (especially European) that it is a cultural norm to make comments about how your children behave or things that you do with them. I have friends and family who have had to bear with that. It's hard enough being a foreigner in another country and have someone pounce on you about your kids. Having lived in another country other than the US myself, that happened to me when my kids were younger. My 3rd grader jumped off of 3 stairs, which was no issue, BUT his empty coke can fell out of his backpack and clanged on the pavement. We were in Japan, and an older woman from Europe (I know what country from her accent, but I won't mention it here) came up to me and told me "when in Japan, we do as the Japanese do." Well, dimes to dollars SHE was a tourist and didn't know I lived there. And if she HAD lived there, she would have known that the Japanese would NEVER call you down for your kids. NEVER. She didn't know that. I don't know if she was trying to make a younger mother feel bad about her kids or if she just didn't like Americans. What I did was just stare at her until she walked away. Cold, icy stare. What did I want to say? A mouthful. But I didn't.

So there ya go. That's my story!

I was in a McDonalds Playplace once when a woman came in with her son. She sat down and had her coffee while her son went up to play in the structure. The entire time he played he had a loud, barking cough. Eventually a woman stood up and shouted across the room that a child who is that sick shouldn't be playing on the playstructure infecting the other children. The mother stood up and defended herself to the whole room explaining that her son has asthma that is causing the coughing, and he is not infectious and that he has the same right to play as all the other kids. The first woman sputtered something and called her kids and left.

I'm sure I was judged plenty when my kids were little, but I can't remember anyone saying anything. More sensitive people seem to leave themselves open to attack, as someone below pointed out.

I can't imagine being offended and hurt the way the author was. As B pointed out, who cares what an idiot thinks.

And no, I usually don't judge. Especially as I've become older and wiser. I also believe that there is not only one correct way to raise a kid.

Sure, I remember getting a few "tips" from random strangers when my kids were babies, mostly from grandmotherly types, but it kind of went in one ear and out the other, I was pretty confident in what I was doing.
And I don't think I would EVER approach a stranger about what they were doing (or not doing) unless I could see a clear and present danger. I just don't get into other peoples' business, and I'm not at all confrontational.
And for what it's worth I've never even noticed or thought about who parks in the handicapped spots or why, again, not my business. There are always more than enough handicapped spaces anyway I can't even see how this would be an issue (plus if you illegally park there it's a HUGE fine so karma takes care of that.)

I took my daughter with me to an outdoor music festival when she was six weeks old. Some woman came up to me and informed me that my baby was too young to be out in the heat (south Louisiana in springtime - high 70's-low 80's). I told her that I had no recollection of having asked her for a weather report or parenting advice, and that I would thank her to stick to parenting her own damn kids.