Getting Unsolicited Advice - How Would You React to This Question?

I've never been told this myself but I have wanted so desperately to say it to others. For instance in my state you must be in a booster until 8/80 and the little boy who is 5(he is small not at all out of the realm of needing a seat)who plays with my daughter has commented how he doesn't ride in a car seat at all. I've not so casually looked into their car windows to perhaps see if there is a booster and there is not. However, how do you nicely tell someone that they're not properly taking care of their little one by keeping them safe in a vehicle?

This is one of those things that many people get offended over. However I do believe that offending someone is not that bad of a thing to do in this case.

I think it matters HOW you say it. Try not to sound "know it all" and critical.
Try to sound sympathetic like you were doing it wrong as well but then a great article or a helpful expert showed you the safe way to do it. "Oh my, those straps look a little loose, I just learned that........."
You've gotten some great advice here, start with admiring their adorableness, use the word "us" not you. I like the idea of warning them they could get a ticket for unsafe usage (is that true?)
You could also blame it on NEW research, when my 20 yr olds were little we used car seats till about 1 yr then booster seat for a yr or 2. I certainly didnt do that with my 7 yr old, he is still in a booster seat!
I consider my self VERY educated and experienced, no one ever told me and I never read it was unsafe to strap them in with a heavy winter coat. My husband always kept the strap too low, I kept reminding him.
Yes people will be annoyed with you. Can you handle that?

I understand that you mean well, but the baby is NOT going to "just fly right out of their seat." That's insane! It's not ideal for the straps to be too loose or for the middle clip to be too low, but the baby is not going anywhere.

Honestly, I wouldn't like it. I know your heart is in the right place, but "unsolicited advice is implied criticism."

I hate confrontations, and especially strangers telling me what to do. I would probably say "uh huh" and try to get away from crazy-carseat-lady as quick as possible.

Hi Nikki-- I think this is one of those where you say your piece and let the chips fall where they may. I personally wouldn't have minded a safety-conscious comment from another parent.

I would ask God to bless you every day of your life-were you to instruct me in such a way as to make my child more safe. Your words will be heard, and may be met with curt resistance-but believe me, the mother will make the adjustments.

Why are you creeping around my car looking at my car seat!!? Who made you the car seat nazi? Yup that would be about right for my reaction.

Here is the thing, regardless of how doe eyed you approached someone, no matter what your words, what you are saying is I am right, you are wrong, let me show you how you are wrong. You would be hard pressed to find anyone willing to just swallow that pill.

*you* have no idea what is going on, *you* are assuming they don't know the "proper" way to harness their kids. That is why approaching someone is offensive no matter how you do it. People know how to put their kids in a car seat, for whatever reason they ignore some of the rules.

It isn't something like did you know you forgot to shut your gas cap or your sweater is sticking out of the car. Those things are helpful. Critiquing one's parenting skills is annoying and offensive.

Here is a bit of food for thought.
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/1637686975836389377

I think it would be very rude to say something. Would you want someone giving you unsolicited advice?

Remember that those are not your children and they are not your responsibility. No one wants children or an infant to get hurt but it is up to the parents to make those decisions (no matter if they are right or wrong).

I'm really surprised at all the folks who suggested or outright said that they'd be annoyed or angry with you. Really, people, if someone saw your child in danger and told you about it, you'd respond with a nasty or sarcastic response? Is that the kind of society we live in, that we can't be accepting and grateful for helpful and life-saving information?
For the first few days after we brought my son home, we improperly used the car seat (harness clip across his belly, rather than sternum) - despite being smart, well-educated folk who obsessively read the instruction manual. Once I learned of our mistake, I was so grateful that (a) someone had showed us how to do it properly, and (b) nothing had happened in the interim. To me, this is not "advice," as it is crucial information regarding the health and well being of a child. Please do not let the possibility of a mom being nasty in response to your assistance stop you from doing what is right. As another poster noted, even if the mom is nasty to you, what you say might actually make her think and act in her child's interests.

Yep, unsolicited advice makes my blood boil.
I see that you feel strongly about this subject. Have you looked into volunteer opportunities that would allow you to help promote public awareness of this issue? Ask your local fire or police department - or perhaps local hospitals that offer classes for soon to be parents.

Makes me nuts...unless you're my mom or sister, best friend.

However, the other one that gets me is the car carriers and the handle being left upright in the car. If you don't put it down behind their heads and you get in accident it can collapse on them.

I will never forget the nurse who told us that after our daughter was born. "She said honey...don't leave this up in the car...if it collapses it can seriously hurt your baby or worse"...never left the sucker up EVER!

I want to say "NOOOOOO when I see them up"...but honestly if it would have been anyone other than the nurse I would have been irritated.

Hmmm, that is hard to answer. I personally would be taken aback at first but would probably end up talking your ear off and asking you exactly how you know this to be true. Do you have any proof to back up your knowledge? What I'm getting at is if you maybe have a pamphlet from the police dept or something that tells parents how to properly strap in their kids, that might be a nice way to do it. But if a random lady just walks up and tells you that you are not strapping in your child the correct way, I'm sure most people would tell you to buzz off.

I ALWAYS want to say something too!! I just say a prayer...
I'm glad you asked this; looking forward to reading other people's opinions too! :)

Yes. It's rude. You're making LOTS of assumptions, up to and including that I'm not competent enough to keep my own child safe. Mind your own business, is what I would say.

I'm an insurance agent and have NO problem saying something. I will say something like, "hey, I'm an insurance agent and had a client whose kid was standing in the grocery cart, fell out and now has permanent damage, just want to mention it to you so you know it can happen." I've motioned and mouthed to kids in the back seat to put on their seat belts too. If I end up next to them at the light I motion for the driver to roll down their window and I will say something to them too. I don't care, I'm not shy about it and I tell them nicely like a "hey, by the way" kind of tone, not "you freaking idiot" tone. I even went so far as to have $200 worth of car safety for kids printed on the back of my car. I figure if it makes ONE person think twice, then it was worth it. I have yet for someone to tell me to F off and mind my own business. If you say, "hey did you know..." their usual response is, "oh my gosh, I didn't know that...thanks!" Even tho you know FULL WELL they knew. So I would just be nice and mention it, then you can at least feel like you said something so they can't act like they didn't know. Just my opinion. Good luck.

I think it depends on the circumstances. I often would loosen the straps on the girls car seats when we were NOT in the car. If we were strolling around the store or whatever I would loosen the straps for comfort. Of course once we got back in the car everything would be tightened back down...and then rechecked after loading groceries...lol. (I'm a bit OCD.)

I'm sure many other Moms and Dads do the exact same thing as I did. Now if you saw them loading baby in the car and NOT adjusting the straps that would be a whole other story.

I do know exactly what you mean about wanting to say something but unsure how it would be received. One of my biggest pet peeves is seeing the baby seat propped up on the "seat" portion of the grocery cart. Especially when it's sideways and lopsided. One good bump of the cart and that baby is going down. Those infant seats are NOT meant to sit like that, there is no way to strap the seat to the cart. If your seat does not fit over the cart seat properly for goodness sake do not turn it sideways while it's leaning like the tower of Pisa and think your child will safe. I have seen several seats topple off of the cart and baby goes face down on the store floor and even saw one face plant in the parking lot as Mom went over the speed bump.

We usually shop together so our baby was in the stroller while the other one pushed the cart. On the rare occasion where I'd have to run out alone I would put her in the grocery portion of the cart and the groceries went in the seat portion.

Another common grocery cart mishap, allowing child to ride on the bottom of the cart. I've actually seen kids lying down on that bottom part where you'd put a case of water or bulking items. I've seen 2 kids get their hair caught in the cart wheel and 1 child nearly lost his finger in the wheel, literally was hanging on by a thread. I've seen children riding on the ends of the cart only to have their feet slip and bust their face on the cart.

I have tried to politely share the baby seat info with other shoppers when I see it by striking up a conversation about their adorable baby, how old is this little cutie, ect. and then saying something like "I had no idea how dangerous it was for the baby seat to be in this position until I saw a seat topple out onto the floor while shopping. It scared the bejesus out of me and I thought to myself "Wow they should put a warning on here for us unsuspecting parents." By using the word "us" I've included myself into the group of unsuspecting parents so as not to come off as a know-it-all but more of a concerned parent sharing "new" information. Most of the time it is received well especially by Dads. Other times not so much...but alas I do try.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

Everybody has different personalities. I am always learning new things and digesting what people say. Just because someone says something to me doesn't mean I automatically believe it or change, but it makes me THINK about it and I might conclude they are right.

Bottom line, is, I APPRECIATE when people give me a brief constructive unsolicited comment such as you are describing.

I am the type of person who may even stop you and say, "Thank you - would you please show me what you mean?" Or... if I AM SURE about how I am doing it, I would just say, "I disagree - research (or the doctor or whatever) said, ...." and possibly teach something to the other person. In either case - there would be an exchange of data - information - a connection between two human beings who care.

I did it wrong for a while, and would've appreciated someone saying something to me. It really depends on your tone, how you approach the person, and how you word it. You want it to be kind of an "FYI", not a "you're a crappy mom" type of thing.

Generally, people don't like being told they're doing something wrong when it comes to their kids, and I think they get defensive out of insecurity or embarrassment more than anything else. Why our egos overrule our child's safety is beyond me.

.

If you saw MY baby in a carrier with the seatbelt improperly secured and said something to me about it, I'd probably give you a genuine smile and say, "Thanks for the kind reminder. That is good advice, and I always make sure it is properly positioned and tightened when we get in the car again."

Hi Nikki,

I know what you mean. It really makes me sad for the child and pretty upset at the mother to see children buckled in a carseat improperly.

My friends all know I'm a real stickler for buckling properly, so when they are here at my house, I tell them and help them to do it right. I also will never allow a child to ride in my vehicle without proper restraints, even if mom is okay with it. I've pulled my car over before and made mom buckle junior into his carseat before I would drive on.

With strangers though, I don't say anything. I think it could be taken wrongly no matter how delicately you approach the subject. I just say a prayer for their safety and that someone they know will acknowledge the danger and show them how to do it properly before they are in an accident.

Another big pet peeve of mine is when a mother puts a carseat in the vehicle and doesn't put the handle all the way back. Major "no no." But the toy companies sell these cute toys to hang on the handle to entertain baby and so mom leaves the handle up for baby to play with the toys. Ugh, so dumb.

there's just no good answer, is there?
i'd love to say that i'd take it well, but honestly i'd probably be offended. there is NOTHING more sure-fired guaranteed to make someone's blood boil than to have their parenting criticized, and there's really no way to make this seem anything but.
that being said, i think that after i stalked away from you i'd think about it. and then fix it.
so if you are thick-skinned enough to do a good deed (and have the tact and humor to offer the suggestion in a positive fashion) knowing it will probably be received poorly, it's a good idea to do so.
but many are unable to offer helpful suggestions without an eyeroll or a sneer or whiff of condescension, and those folks might be better advised to keep on a-walkin'.
khairete
S.

It may depend on the circumstances. When I'm out with my younger grandbabies, I don't think I'd object to advice if I thought it was sincere. If I got the idea that the person was trying to be impressive, was "lecturing," or was putting me down somehow, then of course I wouldn't like it.

You can count upon it that some people will be offended by your "intrusion." So be prepared. But if you can be so charming that they'll be warmed by your attention, you might get away with it. "Oh, ma'am, your baby is almost slipping out of those straps in the car seat. Do you mind if I fix them for you?"

I wish someone had told me about the coat thing! That never occurred to me.

I got on my cousin just yesterday (again) because the car seat her grandson was in was not in properly and the straps were too loose too. She knew it but couldn't get it tighter (the install) so she still put him in. To me, that is crazy! I personally tightened both but she's not a stranger. If I saw it, I have to assume I am this close for a reason so I would say something like "Did you realize the straps are a bit too loose?". I can't make them tighten them but I would hate to see something happen and I know I may have been able to prevent it.

I probably wouldn't say anything unless the parents seemed willing to accept advice. I can't resist babies, and will ask the baby's name, and "Is she so good-natured all the time? Look at her beautiful smile!" and that kind of thing, but generally try to quickly move on (what with my two snot-nosed, school-aged children breathing in the general vicinity and all... ;).

But if the mom seemed like a friendly sort, I might quickly mention the straps seeming loose. Somebody told me that when my first baby was a newborn, and I DID make the adjustment, and fast! No new mom wants to put her baby in harm's way, and nobody knows everything when their baby is only a few weeks old! I remember worrying that I would over-tighten the straps and hurt her somehow... I'm the sort of person who does appreciate and take action on good advice, though. Not all people feel that way. :(

I think that I would say thank you. If I were worried that I were doing it wrong, I would call the police on their non-emergency number and ask them who I could go to in order to assess what I'm doing.

Dawn

It irritates the heck out of me when I see pics posted on fb and other sites with people showing their adorable children in carseats incorrectly. So, I know how you feel! I personally hate unsolicited advice. But I think I could take this pretty well... " Hi, you have an adorable baby there---I am noticing your baby's straps are too loose/wrong placement etc and wanted to tell you about the pinch an inch rule---would you like me to tell you about it? It will help keep your baby safe and installed correctly. " Or something to that effect. HTH

Wow, I am surprised that so many of you mom's would get so offended at someone trying to help keep your children safe. It's not like someone is telling you that your kid shouldn't have a paci; it's advice that could save your child's life! Get over your own sensitivities and insecurities, and realize that it's not about you, it's about your child's best interest.

Not all advice other people give is helpful, but some of it is. Just listen, then filter out what's helpful/not helpful. We can all learn and grow as parents.

I've also said things like, "I just love this carrier cover. It slips right over the top like a shower cap, and doesn't interfere with the straps at all. All DD needs is a light coat, which is safer for her." Hint, hint. I think if it's iffy, let it go, but if it's really wrong, then try to point it out kindly and not in a know it all manner. I joked that DD thinks her coat goes on backwards because I put it on her backwards AFTER the straps are done up, to keep her warm. If family take the message, then great. If not, then....only so much one can do.

I'd be irritated too, if I were in your place.

That said, I usually ignore such comments, and just smile politely and continue minding my own business. If someone's presumptuous enough to offer unsolicited advice to another person, then I don't have to stoop to their level and indulge them.

Oh well, if I were in a devil-may-care mood, I'd probably give a flippant reply like, "Oh, I have no knowledge about car-seats and babies. You are a life-saver. Are there any other gems of advice you'd like to share with me? I have all the time in this world! <tongue-in-cheek grin>"

Oh my goodness, I know! At Christmas, a family came in to church and they had their newborn in a heavy winter coat and THEN strapped into their car seat. So dangerous! There is a REASON that all car seats warn against strapping children in in their heavy coats! It's because the coats compact upon impact, and THAT means that the baby is not in the car seat tight enough at all!

I spent the entire mass trying to decide whether or not to bring it up to the parents, who had clearly tried to strap their new baby in safely, very tightly and in her warm outfit. In the end, though, I didn't say anything except a little prayer. I am very precise with the safety of my children, and I read all the instructions and online advice, etc., and I think it is probably because of this that if someone came up to me and told me what I was doing wrong, I would be quite offended.

But I would probably still think about it and look it up later. So I supposed it depends whether you can handle confrontation.

ETA: https://www.google.com/search?q=strapping+baby+in+car+sea...