"Unsolicited Advice"

Hi, T.. I can totally relate. My mom is retired too and seems she has too much "free" time or "free" unwanted advice to give me. My daughter is two now and Mom is still acting this (in fact she just called right now as I was typing this!!!). Anyway, Mom watches her once a week and when I get home she is totally out of control. The only thing I have been able to do is not share "too" much personal information with her. I only tell her what I think she needs to know or can handle. Also, I have really tried to keep my distance from her as much as possible. I do not spend any more time with her than I have to. I hope this helps. I really empathize with you. Hang in there, girl!

Wait until there is an opportunity to sit down and calmly talk to your mother. (If you are anything like me, doing it while you are mad and yelling will just make your mom defensive). This is basically what I said to my mom.

"I know that you are only trying to help and give me advice on how you think I should raise my son, but really all you are doing is making me feel like an idiot and a bad parent. It makes me think that you think that I'm not doing things properly and that in turns make me feel horrible. I believe that I know what's best for my child, since things are a lot different now then when I was little. I do appreciate your concern, but I'm the parent, and I will do as I see fit. When you contradict me it only makes me angry with you and not want to be around you. You are now the grandparent and have every right to love and spoil your grandson, but I will be the one to raise him."

After I had this conversation my mom realized that I was right and has since been trying really hard not to give unwanted advice. It's funny, because now that she's not giving advice all the time, I find that I'm actually asking for her advice more, but at least now it's advice that I want. I think that a lot of times are moms just don't get it, but hopefully by sitting down and being frank with them will help open their eyes. I really hope that this helps. I'm so glad I did it, it's made a huge difference in my mom and mine relationship. Best of luck to you! I hope it all works out!

I always say take the "smile approach". When someone is giving advice, you smile and say "thanks... I'll have to try that". THis way you've acknowledge that you're listening and it often times gets them to stop, for the moment. Just remember every one is a mother! Hahahaha... But you're your son's only mother and you'll do what's best. I have 3 sons and I still get advice----I take it as a compliment that so many people have concern for my boys =)
Good luck!!!!

Your mother means well, she's looking for ways to be useful. I know it's difficult, I have a mom that constantly tells me what I should do, I gently remind her that I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions, and I will make the decisions when it comes to my children. On the other hand, sometimes she knows things that I don't, so listening can be useful at times.

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. I have a mother and a mother-in-law, who both love to do this to me. Get them in the same room and they will openly attack how I raise my kids. I pick my battles. If I strongly disagree I open my mouth, if I can let it slide I do. I always use the saying "they are healthy and happy. Could you ask for anything more". And it usually shuts them up. I have also come to the conclusion, Grandparents think grandkids should be eating 24/7, just keep it healthy and know that dinner is now a lost cause, but hey they aren't starving. I do speak my opion and yes I have lost it on both of them. My in-laws give my 18mo old twins juice, no milk or water, all day. If they come to my house they just dump out their cups and get them juice, at there house I let it slide, but at my house I speak up. Dont let things get to you, esp if you are biting so hard you bleed. he is YOUR son, you and your husband get to decide hoe to raise him.

Hey T.,
I understand. I have an 8 month old (1st time mom also). My mom sometimes gives me advice, esp. during the first couple of months she drove me crazy about dring enough water for nursing and eating right... AH! Anyways, I just told her to stop because it was making me want to do the opposite. Remind your mom that you are a mom now and can learn and make mistakes on your own just like she did with you! Let her know that you appreciate her advice, but would appreciate less constant advice, or just when you ask her for it! My mom now asks me questions when she is with my daughter because she wants my okay since she is caring for my daughter. Hope that helps!

By the way... I read about you below about considering a 2nd child... I am tossing back and forth on that one also! It's hard because some days I am up for it and others I am not! My husband does not care when - he said that it is totally up to me since I SAH and since I am the one that has to be pregnant!

Talk to you later,
B.

Where do you live? I live in SD county - if you are close to here we could hang out - I hang out a lot with other moms!

I have the same problem with my father-in-law constantly over-feeding my now-almost-3-year-old son. He watches our son 2 days a week and it got to the point that my husband and I just automatically would give our son Milacon before bed on those days because we knew he would wake up in the middle of the night with a gut ache. I kept after my f-i-l to stop, gave him portion outlines from our pediatrician to help guide him...but still he overfed our son. FINALLY, I got mad and I told him, "Look, you are teaching your Grandson horrible eating habits. You are always worrying about me being overweight, and it is an issue in my family. So your son and I have gone out of our way to make sure that our son eats a very healthy diet, no junk, no overeating. So when he grows up and is overweight, then look in the mirror because YOU will be the one to blame for that." It worked...he has stopped overfeeding our son. He calls and checks with me if he is unsure about a snack or a portion amount. It has worked great! Also, you might want to ask your Mom how her Mom treated her when she became a new mother or moved to a new place. If her Mom did to her what she is doing to you, it may be easier to point things out to her by comparing her feelings then to your feelings now. Good Luck with all!

SMILE as soon as she starts in & CHANGE the subject. SMile & nod & then say something like: aren't those flowers just lovely this time of year?

Good luck.

OMG!! My sister in law is the same way!!! I can't stand it!!! She lives in Oregon and still I have to listen to that stuff. She is one of those people who knows everything. She treats me like I am a 15 year old mother. I am almost 40. Both my kids are perfectly healthy because of me. Good luck to you. I am preparing myself to see 'her' next week.

My mother is exactly the same way only it's about everything in life! I agree that you should definitly find a time to sit down when your calm or not irritated to at least explain your feelings so she doesn't goes on the defense and totally shut down. On the other hand some people don't change and the best you can do is nod and smile and just start saying uh-huh uh-huh oh yeah because she may just want someone to talk to and listen to her - even though you don't take the advice she feels listened to and gets it out of her system and it won't be as often.

Don't be offended by this but I suggest a book called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. I'm reading it now and there is a chapter ALLLLL about over helpful parents of adult children. Not all parents are intending to be toxic to our lives but sometimes they hurt us and we hurt our own by not being aware that we are acting out of lack. I'm reading it for closure from Dad issues as well as to prevent me from passing on some unforseen issue to my daughter.

Read the questions on the link below to see if the book is for you. Good luck.

And don't you just love unsolicited advice...grrrrr! As if we have a tatoo in the form of a question mark on our foreheads...lol.

M.

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