Unplanned Pregnancy and Unsupportive Husband

My 4.5 year old daughter was an unplanned pregnancy. At the time she was conceived, my husband and I were not married. We were in a committed relationship and working the kinks out with blending our families, ex spouses, etc. I had 2 boys (2 & 4) from a previous marriage and he had 3 kids (2, 5.5, 8) from his previous marriage. We had no intentions of getting pregnant with 5 other kids in the picture. We were tracking ovulation to avoid pregnancy, and it turned out I ovulated early (I have painful ovulations and know when it happens). So we used the Plan B within 48 hours of unprotected sex and crossed our fingers. I remember the day I took the test. I already knew before I took it that I was pregnant. I stopped at Walgreens and bought a test, picked the kids up from daycare and school and went to my room to take the test. I cried and cried when it turned positive. I cried when I told him. We really weren't sure what we were going to do. I cried a lot about it. I remember we were at my company Christmas party a few weeks later and still felt so terrible about it all. Until after the party, he told me everything would work out and we were keeping the baby. We didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy for a long time (except my sister) because we knew we wouldn't get a lot of support from our parents because we already had so many kids between us. I think I was 4 or 5 months along before we told them because I was starting to show. It was hard on them at the time, but once everyone held her and saw her, it didn't matter anymore. She's loved just as much as the other kids and I couldn't imagine my life without her. She completed our family. And when she was 4 months old, my husband had a vasectomy so it didn't happen again. It WILL work out! I wish I could hug you right now....

All 3 of our kids were not "planned". The first we had only been dating a few months, and then the second caused us to speed up our wedding plans and then we were done. He was going to get a vasectomy and I was on the birth control pill you can take while nursing. Go figure we had a third, 23 months after the middle one.

I had just started working when I found out (not even a full month) and I did not want to be a working mom of a newborn...but it is what it is.

We were surprised most by the last one, but we were both role players in the pregnancy. Had my husband not been supportive, I don't know how I would have been able to look at him with any amount of respect. I was more upset initially because I was working, and I stayed home with the other two until they were 3 and 1. But he was right there, supportive of the pregnancy, and we can't imagine life without him now.

So honestly, if my husband were acting the way yours was acting, I'd be very tempted to tell him to pack his bags and go - though that's the easy answer. If he was being intimate with you, he knew that pregnancy was a possibility. He can't be mad at you. I'm sorry and I do hope he comes around...but no way would I be okay with him being mad at me for it.

it's predictable but sad that you're getting some of the usual blather here- 'all babies are a blessing blah blah,' 'god always provides blah blah'.
this has got to be a foundation-rocking shock, and i'm sorry your husband is cold-shouldering you. i guess he's dumbfounded too, but i hope he comes around. the two of you really need to be able to share your fears with each other, and formulate a plan.
i'm like you, firmly pro-choice, but have doubts that i could have chosen an abortion for myself. that being said, i DID consider it twice in my lifetime, and am so grateful i had the legal and moral option to do so. it is utterly untrue that all women who abort regret it, and ridiculous over-simplification to be offered the bromide 'i don't regret my baby one bit!'
the tangled finances definitely muddy the waters, and make it all the more important that the two of you communicate. the sad hard truth is that if your husband would divorce you over an unplanned pregnancy (i somehow doubt that you conceived this child without his knowledge), then you probably need to face the prospect of a new life without him, hard as it may be. and if he divorces you, it will be HIS problem as well as yours to figure out how to support the family, united or not. houses can be sold, and new jobs can be found. and these options are all available if you remain married.
when you're between the scylla and charibdes it's hard to see any realistic options. but they do exist. the first step is to get your husband to sit down and talk to you, and to listen to him. with a counselor if necessary, and a neutral third party is a great idea. you'll be better able to peer into the murk and find your own alternatives once you have a better idea of where his head is. it doesn't sound as if your relationship is particularly happy right now- this might actually be just the thing to either restructure it into something that works better for everyone, whether that means fixing the marriage or starting afresh as single parents.
however it works out, i wish you strength and happiness. i know they don't seem possible right now, but you're still reeling. my heart goes out to you.
khairete
S.

You need to talk with him. Tell him your concerns and fears. Ask him how he feels. It sounds to me like you told him and now you're both just tiptoeing around a discussion that MUST be had. Stop tiptoeing. Talk like grownups who love one another.

Stop talking like you're planning a divorce and stop talking about "what ifs" when you haven't actually sat down and had a conversation with your husband about how he feels. This is scary for both of you. If you're feeling devastated, I'm sure he's having similar feelings.

Unplanned pregnancy? yes. Unsupportive husband? no, we took it on as a team.

Start with marriage counseling. If you can you need to get him on board. If he's not going to be on board, the quicker you find out, the more time you have to prepare. He is half responsible for this child, if he decides to leave, he will still have financial obligations for him/her.

Second, pregnancy hormones can make any problem unsolvable. If your husband can't support you, find it somewhere else. Friends, Family, church, work. That is why we have relationships, to be able to lean on people when we need to and support them when they need it.

Lastly, although I did have the support of my husband, I had my last child while finishing school, starting a new job in a new town while hubby was finishing up school in the last town, burdened with massive debt (we both had to work part time while in school), and got turned into CPS for a "head injury" that wasn't a head injury (baby had leakage from inside skull to outside skull creating a knot that looks like she was hit only no damage, no bruise, no pain and it naturally occurs in a small % of kids). It turned out okay, the best thing possible for me. There is a huge amount of strength inside you. It's not easy, but it can be incredible.

My first was unplanned. My husband was in complete shock for a few days, as was I. Honestly, we really couldn't even speak about it. When we finally resurfaced, we talked it through and managed to work it all out. Set about with our game plan for a life with a baby. Technically, we were ready- we had a home, both had good jobs, family nearby, etc. We just weren't ready emotionally. But we were by the time my son was born. It's amazing how quick you can do a turn-around.
Give it a little time before you make any decisions. Everything is still so new and raw right now. Hang in there and come back to us if you need a sounding board. There is a great deal of support here for you, even if you aren't getting it at home.

He is most likely in shock. But if he is indeed mad at you and freezing you out, maybe there have been some other red flags that he is not happy in the marriage?
I am sorry you are going through this. I had a surprise pregnancy at forty frickin' three! I was told I couldn't get pregnant again and decided to be happy with my one son. Well, SURPRISE! I didn't find out until I was 5 months along and was in shock thru the rest of the pregnancy. I felt I was too old and my son was almost 8, was not really looking forward to starting all over again with a newborn! I mourned the loss of our family of three.
Luckily I had the support of my husband and family.
And you know what? Everything turned out fine. My little guy just turned 3 and I am now 46. I can't imagine life without him now, even though it is not always a bed of roses, he makes us all laugh and brings such joy.
I hope your husband comes around, I hope you can find a silver lining. Things happen for a reason. You decide what is best for you. If hubs is not on board with what you decide, then maybe you are better off without him. Good Luck to you!

My first was unplanned(now 7 years old), but very much wanted. We were very shocked. I went in for my yearly check-up and found out I was 5 months pregnant! Plans moved into overdrive and some compromises had to be made. Yes, there are things I missed out on that I wish I had had, but I've had the best time getting to know my little Goon. I wouldn't change a thing.

My husband also has a 9 year old sister. She too was a surprise, so much so his mother was sure she was going through "the change" before she got the news. She's been a gem and a blessing for his family as well, life would be dimmer without her.

I'm sad your husband is being so cold. Give him a week then talk to him in the bedroom after the kids are asleep. There may be anger and very hurtful things said. Just breath and let him vent, then tell him that it's your turn. You need to be together in this.

Good luck!

Yes, been there, done that, not 1x, but 2xs! BC DOES fail, although since so many of us use it & go months or even years with it working, it's shocking to find out it didn't work. In both cases, my hubby was pretty upset & we both said things that we wished we hadn't, that caused pain. We worked it out, but it does take WORK, time & talking a lot.

One thing that was surprising to me about my husband's thought process was how much he BELIEVED that BC was fool proof, simply because for us for 10+ years, it had been. He wouldn't get the "snip", because my "job" was BC. BUT he was the one who didn't want another child & since he wouldn't take responsibility & get snipped, he was angry @ ME when the BC failed. And accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. Which I didn't, btw (either time). Yes, there were tears & hard feelings. We did work through them, but...I still have a hurt from that accusation. We both love our 3rd daughter to pieces & can't image life without her. We also know many couples who have had similar life plan changes.

So, you & your hubby are both in shock. It wasn't your plan, but plans change. After you both have had a couple of days to absorb the fact, get together someplace you both enjoy, without your child or any other distractions & have a heart to heart. It will be probably be a little painful, but if you can each talk openly, understanding each others thoughts & feelings, it will help you in the long run, whatever you decide to do.

And since I have been reading this one marriage counselor's book "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman, I've really started to see where some of our issues with each other over the years have been because we weren't giving to each other what the other needed emotionally, we just were hanging on, doing what we had to run the family, but not really working on connecting to each other, for each other. Good Luck.

Counselling ASAP. Ask your OB for a recommendation if you don't know where to go. Couples counseling if your husband will go. If he won't, you need to go yourself.

No one here can tell you what to do, nor can we predict what your husband is thinking. You need a professional to talk you through everything, and to get the two of you talking to each other.

I agree that you need to tell you husband exactly how you feel, but what about start with a letter or card? Emotions are running very high for both of you and that way you could think about exactly what you want to say, how you want to say it and he will have time to think before responding instead of feeling like he has to answer right then and there. He can also sort his feelings out a bit before he talks.

My husband had a hard time when we were told my baby might have Down Syndrome. His way of coping was to clam up. He needed time to process. I am sure this week has felt like an eternity for you, but give him some time to come to terms with his feelings as well.

I am so sorry you are going through this! I agree with everyone else. Talk to your husband. It will probably take a while for the shock to wear off for him too. My friend's wife had an unplanned pregnancy, and he was angry about it (not at her though) for months. It was so hard on him because he was a stay-at-home dad and had been looking forward to going back to work, as their daughter will be entering kindergarten soon. He did come around though. As it turns out, he went back to work and his wife decided to stay home.

If it does prove to be too much for your husband to bear, then I advise you to terminate your marriage and not your pregnancy. But before you do that, talk to an attorney. Good luck and…...congratulations!

sorry your husband isn't being supportive. Having a child is a blessing, regardless if its planned or not. I swore up and down, if i ever was pregnant a second time, even out of carelessness or by accident (like in your case, on bc and it failed), i would NEVER have an abortion. Simply accept the gift given and do what you must to raise this beautiful child.

If you are being accused of cheating, tell your husband you are more than happy to provide a DNA test to show him otherwise and get a copy of the doctors report of what was found, as they do make notes of this kind in your file.

Push comes to shove if this is the death of your marriage, as much as it sucks, move forward. A partner is someone who stands by your side through thick and thin. Yes you are financially dependent on him, but your not held down by chains and a lock without a key. Be brave, be independent and do what you must if your faced with that outcome. More and more women feel they MUST or required to stand by their man all due to $. $ is paper.

I learned early on in my marriage that being financially dependent on someone is STUPID! I created my own business where i was able to still be that full time mom.

For those stay at home moms, married with a family, as I was once too, having income of some sort is important, even to put away for yourself for god knows what. Its best to always have a back up plan. especially if illness in the family creates the money maker to be ill and no longer can work for an extended time. Its called emergency planning for that "what if" even if it never happens. You could always use the money to assist in your childs education or a nice family vacation.

If I were in your position, I would not even consider having a baby right now.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It hasn't been that long since you found out. I'm sure your husband is processing still. Not how you'd want him to but it is what it is. Perhaps Sunday you can sit down with him. Can you get a sitter so you can really talk? I have to say I hate when people write that everyone who gets an abortion regrets it. That's just not true. Google it. There will be some articles with women who do regret it. But the more scientific studies seem to show the vast majority of women do not and are relieved. You may not be one of them. But I had to dispute the statements that everyone regrets an abortion. Decide for yourself though your husband should have quite a vote as well. This is his life too. Good luck. I think deep thought from both of you what you can and can't live with either way is the only thing that matters and is your personal decisions to make. Not anyone on this board's.

A friend had an accidental 4th. Her hubby didn't speak to her for a week. He was shocked, scared, unable to believe it. He quickly got on board, and he lights up when his 4th boy enters the room.

Give your hubby time. Us girls like to talk, boys? They get all quiet. Give both of you some time to process it.

You both did not want to have a child. Hence you were using bc. I don't see why you would expect him to want one simply because you have become pregnant. Because it is your body, it is your choice to continue the pregnancy or not. He has every right to be upset. He sees that he may only have the choice of destroying his family by divorce or facing a huge economic burden he had no choice in. What if you carry to term and the baby has special needs? Most women who have abortions do not regret them. There is plenty of research on the topic. It is your choice of course, but I would consider the cost to you, your marriage and your existing child of keeping this pregnancy.

I'm sorry you are under so much stress right now........ don't do anything rashly... give it a bit of time..... your husband may just be going through his own shock right now, on how to handle this unexpected event.

You need to talk to him. This is not something you should have to deal with alone, he helped get your pregnant, you did not do it alone or on purpose, so he needs to understand that to start. As for whether to have it or abort it, that is a choice that must be made by you, the two of you, together.

I can definitely understand the strain this would put on your marriage but what I don't get is why if you had an abortion your marriage would still be damaged? Is your husband such a jerk he blames you for this and even if you aborted would hold it against you forever? If that's the case, tough marriage to hold onto. Otherwise, if he hasn't actually said it but you know he just wants you to have an abortion, that doesn't make him evil. It is a reasonable conversation to have and one that needs to be had in this case. I wouldn't completely discount an abortion for the sake of your older child either. If you just cant' do that, that's totally understandable and then you shouldn't. But I've thought that if a 3rd would have been too much for my marriage and would have driven us to divorce, I would have wanted to protect the world of my first 2 most of all. Is anyone ever going to actually say they wish their surprise child hadn't been born? No. But I certainly get the impression from some people that in a way they do wish a child hadn't been born. It's been a huge strain or drove a divorce. So please try to get your husband out of the house and just talk about this. You both deserve to be heard. That's the first step and hopefully it will lead to a decision you both can live with. Hopefully if you decide to go ahead with the child you can find time to go to a counselor and make your marriage stronger overall. Counseling really can help a lot.

Your husband is just wrong. Yes, you had an IUD, but nothing is 100%. It is well known that IUD's can slip or be expelled. If he didn't want another child, he should have taken care of things on his end as well.

If I were you, I would keep the baby and ask him to go for marriage counseling.

It won't be easy, but you'll all adjust. Things will settle down and work out just fine.

Updated

Your husband is just wrong. Yes, you had an IUD, but nothing is 100%. It is well known that IUD's can slip or be expelled. If he didn't want another child, he should have taken care of things on his end as well.

If I were you, I would keep the baby and ask him to go for marriage counseling.

It won't be easy, but you'll all adjust. Things will settle down and work out just fine.

Your husband has no right to make you feel you have to terminate this pregnancy because you will live with the lifetime of what ifs not him. Sometimes a child brings a couple together and it would be nice for your other child to have a sibling. Someone told me once the best thing I could give my first child was a sibling not a toy because that was a lifetime friend. Financially I've always seen this that God gives you what you need at the time. I know a girl who has five children under 7 and somehow it all worked out for her because she had faith, she was able to work from home. If you trust God will provide for your needs at this time I promise you he has never let me down. He would not give you this life at this time by accident this life is special this life could be the most important one to you in the future you don't know the potential you may be giving up and through your fear you may be giving up the best surprise gift of your life not knowing or seeing it. You will be ok I promise and your husband may not be supportive now but once he sees his baby he will be the love will come back in his heart. God bless please go to pregnancy cares and centers to get the financial help you need they will connect you with services you may need.

This is the ideal time to make an appointment with a therapist. Seriously. No one can tell you what you SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do. The two of you need to sit down together and discuss this with a therapist. Who knows, you could end up working through other issues that were stressing your relationship these past few years? It's a good time to sort through them and come together.

Our 4th baby was a total surprise to us both, and my husband was not really excited about it at the time. The baby's now almost 5 months and my husband is in love with him.

If my husband had EVER tried to make me feel bad about the baby, that'd spell trouble for HIM, not for an innocent baby who didn't ask to be conceived, and who certainly doesn't deserve to be punished for the problems in the parents' marriage.

Ask yourself, if you abort this baby, will your marriage stay together? Something tells me that a marriage that fails over an unplanned pregnancy is going to fail regardless. If you don't want your marriage to fail, please seek out marriage counseling. The answer isn't to abort the baby.