Unmotivated 12 Year Old Boy

There is so much I want to commment on and I dont know where to start. You sound like you have one amazing kid and I am so glad that you can see those parts that are out standing. After reading your message I sat here thinking about myself and who I am, because the person you described was me at that age.

Class room instruction is a cookie cutter life style. When you leave school and graduate you enter a world that is anything but cookie cutter. Some kids conform easily to what is expected, other kids are so individualistic that the issue is not about conforming but about the ideas bouncing around in his head.

I could do homework and know that it was good, and then forget to turn it in and fail. I would day dream during an assignment and be shocked when everyone in class was finished. I just was not into the things that were being taught. Yet, I held a B average without even trying. I was watched closely by my teachers to make sure the home work got handed in, until I hit junior high. Things changed and much more was expected out of me. I also found that the things I was interested in, were becoming more and more important to me and school was becoming less and less.

I remember telling my mother that I wish there was a way to go to school and learn, but stay home and do it, so I could study the important things in life. I was talking about home schooling and did not even know that it existed at the time.

Your son seems to know what he needs and he is asking you to help him with it. Many families home school with young children, I did it. Please, do not take this message as a plug for home schooling, every family is different and you have to want to do it.

Back to your son and his creative way of thinking. Creative at this age is sometimes seen as distractions getting in the way of what the adults want you to do. Yes, he has obligations but those obligations can be tailored to meet his creative side. Writing an essay about pollenation may not float his boat, but writing an essay about the way a bee stays air born may. The point is the lesson at hand and creative people do not take in information and regurgitate it back. They think about it, roll it around in their heads for hours, days, even weeks. He gets excited about things because to him they are important, listen closely to what it is that he is excited about. you may find that it is not the actual game itself but a component. He wants to learn, you have described a learner, he is learning. He is not returning the learning to the adults in his life the way they would like it, that does not mean the process is not happening. Failure is not happening, failure to achieve a certain grade is happening. To teach a creative child is a challenge, but ohhhh so rewarding.

I wish someone would have taken the time to understand who I was at that age. I wish they would have seen that I was intelligent, thoughtful, and had dreams that went beyond getting a grade.

I dropped out of school at 16, and spent several years trying to understand why I was such a failure. One day a very wise man told me, you are only a failure if you stop being who you are. Wow, how profound, he saw me, he saw who I was and he knew I was much more than anyone had ever seen before. He told me that the world was mine, go and get it.

I am now an interior decorator. I have belonged to many business organizations and am well respected within the community. I have sat on the board of directors of one national organization and one local. I am a passionate artistic photographer and I am in the process of writing a book. No one from my school would have guessed, no one saw me for who I really was.

You can see your son, I am begging you, do not let him die inside because he is not cut from the slice of life that the rest of the world is. He is not failing, he is only failing to meet the expectations around him, but he is succeeding in being the person that he truly is.

Home schooling is an option, you might want to consider it. I have raised one like me through home schooling, and 2 that would have done fine in the school setting. The one like me, would have been labled a failure in a regular school setting. In fact he was, he is my oldest and I pulled him out in 5th grade. He was "failing", he successfully became who he is and we are so proud of him. He is creative and motivated, finding life interesting in a way that most of us would not. He is happy, though, and I have never regretted allowing his creativity lead the way.

See your son through eyes of love, listen to what he is saying, not what you think he is saying. You will begin to see a person who is successful beyond your imagination.

He sounds like a great kid. Remember too he is getting to become a teenager. I have found boys mature much slower than girls. Take it from a mom of 3 - 2 boys and 1 girl.

My oldest has ADD, it can be a frustrating situation. I done a lot of soul search and reading alot of material about it. I truly think a major issue is allergies. Especially from the food we eat everyday. So many people are unaware of food allergies, milk, eggs, cheeses, nuts, wheat, even carrots because they are grown in the ground-(mold issues) especially uncooked. Wasn't aware of such a thing at the time.

Possibly try to cut all those things out of his diet and leave them out of 6 to 8 weeks. Reintroduce them gradually and see if there is a improvement with his attention. I hope this is helpful. I totally understand regarding medication, but you also don't want to jepordize his self-esteem either. We made the decision to put him on medicine years ago. It does affect their creative nature and inhibits their personality.

He is an adult now, not using medicine currently, but he stills has issues that make him very unorganized and has trouble setting goals and achieving them, but he has a great personality and is a great person.

It is such a personal choice regarding medication, and I truly suggest - looking into food allergies before you need to resort to that. Best wishes and good luck.

L. - Obviously you've done all the right things as a mother, and you should be applauded. There is something disturbing your son that he may not even be aware of. The next step is counseling. I highly recommend going Lutheran Family Services - they have helped us quite a bit. They will get you a counselor who fits your son's needs, and will talk to him both alone and with you. Our counselor was also available to call when needed and I did - how do I handle this one??? So, it really great to have "back up" when your parenting skills and knowledge are seriously challenged. My niece, who has a lot of problems, fought going to counseling but I made her. After a few weeks, she liked going, but always pretended I was making her, so I let her think that! Good luck!

Hi L. = It sounds like you are working very hard at making him successful. Unfortunately your son is not working hard. I agree with your husband, your son is the one who needs to want to succeed. If your son is truly ADD he has to work twice as hard as anyone else, to do half as much. I dont care what any book says - We cannot give our children Self Esteem. He will find his own self esteem as HE achieves things himself. Right now helpless is working for him. He does not have to do anything but keep everyone else busy doing his work.
For your sons sake try the ADD medication. If he were diabetic, lyou would not withhold insulin. Why do we as parents think of ADD as an optional condition, that enough hard work can cure. This is a neurological condition that neither your son or you can will away. Maybe the helpl he needs at this point is for you to educate yourself on ADD. Of course I can not think of the mans name who has several booksand videos on what it feels like to live with ADD. Email me personally, and I will find this for you. Step out of denial. Treat his condition with proven medical medication.
I too would like for my diabetes, and thyroid condition to be treatable by supplements, but I found out the hard way, that my body needs these medications. I am rambling, but love him enough to let him develop his own maturity, and self respect.
Sincerely, G.

Something that you said, made me wonder if your son is a highly functional autistic child. I can't remember what it was other than the going into his own world and getting lost. I may be completely off base as I don't know alot about autism, but I know that there are varying degrees of it.

Also, he sounds VERY similar to my nephew. He was diagnosed with ADD two or three years ago. They also found that he had something going on his brain where the right side worked properly and the left side worked properly, but when they were supposed to work together, they didn't. We never noticed this as it is not really a noticeable thing. I can't really describe it and I don't know what is called. Well once we figured this all out and they started working with him, he is excelling at school and he has changed on a personal level as well. Unfortunately, he does have to be on some medication for the ADD and you can tell when he misses taking it too. I do know that there are other options to working with it. It is a matter of finding the right doctor to help you with it. There is something behind the being unmotivated. Likely it isn't unmotivation at all, it is a cover. Part of it now, is he is in those years where differences are bad news and he is beginning to act out. All I can say is keep trying to find out what it is. Keep trying until someone listens.

Good Luck!