Unhealthy Grandma (My Mother) - Both Mentally and Physically

Hi Becky,
You didn't clarify in your note how you think this going to affect your son. Does sugar cause him to have problems? If so, then you are right to be very concerned about him eating candy. If not, then I am not sure that taking a stance that he should not ever be given candy by his grandma is a realistic approach. It's great for all of your family that you want to be healthy at home and are setting a good example for your son, but didn't you ever get candy as a kid? Do you think it caused problems for you? I think you can have some sugar or "junk food" in moderation without it causing ill effects on your health. Maybe you and your mom can come to some understanding about how much and what type of sweets she can give him.

However, your concern about how your parents behave towards you as a parent seems to be a big concern for you. It appears from your note that you and your parents are not on the same page with communication and understanding. Has your mom always been difficult or is this a new development? Have you talked to your dad about your concerns about your mom? When you say unhealthy influences what do you mean? She may have some kind of health issue or it may just be how she is reflecting her problems with her relationship with you ie, she is mad at you about what she may perceive as your interference in her relationship with her grandson and she is not handling it well. There could be a lot of things going on here as far as the reasons for everyone's behavior but before you cut your parents out of your son's life see if you can work on your communication with them first. Maybe they would be ok with meeting with your therapist to get a better situation between you and them. It may not work and you may feel that you have no choice but to limit his involvement with them but just try all the alternatives first. Good luck to you and I really hope you can get somewhere with this!

-Jen

Give her the options of what he can eat (I like the organic options another person mentioned) and you need to tell her, I am the mom and these are my concerns. If you do not do as I request you will not be able to visit or watch him. Her outbursts are inappropriate and dangerous for a child, and he should not be exposed to that. You are already at a disadvantage with his delays, you should not allow your mother to make it worse. Diabetes is a serious disease and if she did that while she was driving it could be very dangerous. It happened to me, with my 2 kids, before I knew what was wrong with me, so it's not fun.....

Keeping Grandma and kids apart or closely supervised is the safest thing to do. If your child develops a food allergy and Grandma ignores it, she could end up seriously harming your child. You have to protect your child. Get another baby sitter if you need one, but keep Grandma at a distance.

I would definitely keep the contact minimal and / or supervised. BUT, if you feed your son a big, super healthy, well balanced, nutritious and fulfilling meal before he goes to Grandma's, he is less likely to pig out on junk food and other offered sweets while there. So planning ahead is crucial for you and your son. She is what she is and somehow YOU survived it and chose differently.

Your son's exposure to her tantrums does not necessarily infect your son with the same behavior as long as you take the time to discuss the environment with him after each visit. Make sure you are clear with him that she does things that you do not agree with. He will need this very ability to discern good/bad behavior for himself later in life, especially if he is developmentally delayed, as there will be plenty of opportunities in his life to be taken advantage of by strangers, and the sooner he learns to cope and deal the better off he will be.

In the final analysis, you and your husband need to follow your gut instincts regarding the mental and physical safety of your child. Stay tuned into whether your son is distraught or anxious about his visits with this G/ma. If he shows such signs, then by all means stop until he can handle the environment better.

Happy New Year!

I am having a very similar problem with my mom too. We have come to realize the moms "drug" of choice is junk food. My sisters and I talked and we are going to be a video (computer conference) call (since we all live in different states.

You mentioned that your therapist recommend to limit your son's exposure his grandparents. Can you therapist help you with an intervention?

This is a hard situation. My prayers are with you and your family. Stay firm and don't feel guilty about limiting your mothers exposure to your son. Stay true to what you believe and be loving and cheerful. My mom has mental disease and it has been very hard for me to cope with it. I often feel guilty and feel like I should mother her... not sure why. But I've had to stay strong and tell myself the truth about the situation. Gently, encourage your mother to see a doctor but it's up to her. She may give in eventually go see a doc. My mom did.

Good luck to you!