I read a wonderful book called "Raising Happiness" that discusses ways that you can foster joy in your child. One of the recommendations is that we talk about "three good things" that happen on any given day. The thinking is that it will help your children savor nice moments throughout the day as well as help them learn gratitude for the good things in their lives.
Well, we've been doing this with our 4-y.o. son for a couple months now, and it's been mostly an exercise in frustration. When I ask him what are three good things that happen today, he usually asks me what are MY three good things and then just copies them. Or he reverts to pat answers that he uses all the time, "I played with my sister," etc. If I press him to either say his three things first and talk about something specific to that day, he'll often tell me, "I can't remember."
Today, we went to a birthday party for one of his friends. He had so much fun. But tonight at bedtime - not three hours after we left the party - he told me he couldn't remember a single thing he did today. This makes me so angry! I feel like we work really hard to coordinate fun activities for him, and he tells us he can't remember what he did?? It makes me feel like we shouldn't even bother.
Is this normal for a child to say he can't remember something that happens within a couple of hours? Even a really high-impact fun event? He never volunteers anything about his day at preschool unless something really traumatic happened, like a child pushing him. He rarely responds no matter what I ask, whether it's open-ended questions ("Tell me about storytime") or specific questions ("What did you have for snack?"). Usually he'll just tell me he can't remember. How can I help him be more mindful and forthcoming?
Note: this is not an issue about him being able to communicate. He talks CONSTANTLY, intelligibly, and intelligently. I don't know if this inability or unwillingness to talk about the day's events is stubbornness, true forgetfulness, or what.
Thanks for all the advice and reassurance, especially from those of you who wrote thoughtfully and kindly. I will admit I was frustrated when I wrote the original question, and obviously that came across. In general, our son really enjoys this ritual. He likes hearing our three good things, I think that he likes reliving the fun activities of the day. He is frequently the one to ask us, "What are three good things?" before bed. We probably do have to alter our approach and expectations on days that he's not forthcoming, but I really don't think that he is too young to participate in this.
The frustration I felt surrounding this particular exercise is related to the two more macro concerns that I touched on: gratitude (especially now that it's Christmas) and communication. Last night's conversation was just a perfect storm of irritation about two issues that have been simmering for us over the past few weeks. We have friends who are even younger than him and also boys who tell their parents everything that happens at school. That's actually how I find out a lot of what goes on in his class, so it is discouraging when he doesn't share with me. It's helpful to know that it's not just my child who does this.
Thanks again.
My answer, is very simple. He's 4 and the expectations, don't match up with his age. No big deal, he's normal.
How you are asking the question is not age-appropriate. Instead of a big wide open "What 3 things did you like today"(which is a very complex question because it involves time lines, abstract math and memory skills)...ask what you noticed he found joy in. An example, "At the birthday party, you seemed to enjoy watching the presents being opened. Do you remember what happened after the presents were opened?"(This uses time lines, sequential math and memory skill set that are age appropriate)
He's male. :) Males HATE talking about their day and especially about their feelings. "I don't remember" is his way of saying, "I feel pushed to talk and I don't like it." That's also why he copies what you say, hoping that will end the conversation.
Normal. No concept of real time flow yet. I think you're expecting too much from a 4 yo.
It's not an issue of communication, stubbornness, forgetfullness. It's an issue of appropriate stages of development and your expectations not being in sync. PLEASE get a book from the library or pediatrician about child development. You are expecting behaviour from him that he is not emotionally/intellectually ready for. You're making yourself and HIM crazy.
This is completely normal for a 4-year-old. You are asking him to think of something abstract and remote (yes, the birthday party the same day falls into abstract and remote for him).
Instead of expecting him to come up with things on his own at night, talk about things that made him happy right after. Such as, when leaving the party, "that was a fun party, wasn't it? I can see you had a great time, and it made you very happy!" Then, at bedtime, talk with him about things during the day. If he can't think of any on his own (which he usually won't yet), remind him of some things and let him use your suggestions.
What you are doing is teaching him a process. Just like you can't (usually) put a kid on a bike and watch him zip away the first time, you can't expect him to learn this without a lot of support and modeling from you. The developmental term is called "scaffolding", because you build a support for him to learn, and then gradually let him take over and do it himself.
His emotional development is not on a level where he can do this himself. It won't be for some time yet. Expecting him to be able to is just going to frustrate yourself. So support and help him, and when he's 8 or 10 he'll probably be very reflective and thoughtful about these things!
Don't be angry! :) You've just asked her to preform an appendectomy... a very basic surgery any 3rd year med student would know how to do! Wait a minute... Same token, what you're asking for just isn't age appropriate for a a couple more years, or to be expected for more than 5 years.
Most kids have terrific memories... but NOT in the way that you're asking. That level of development you're looking for usually happens around ages 6-9.
Preschool aged kids need their days broken into chunks, and they need leading questions (it's one reason why preschoolers aren't usually allowed to testify). Such as: "You had a turkey sammie for lunch, what ELSE happened during lunchtime, did you ______?" "Did you run really fast at recess today? Did you climb? Did you play with _______?" "Did you have a brilliant time playing with the frogs??? What was the funniest thing the frogs did?"
They CAN remember, they just need to have those memories jogged and prompted. And they'll also often follow your lead as to what the correct emotional response TO that memory is. (AKA if you ask them if school was boring repeatedly, then yes, it was boring... even if they had a blast... and they'll start trying to focus on the boring bits because that's what they see as being viewed as important by YOU)
Older kids can do longer timeframes... but you'll know the linear memory STARTS to "click" when you start getting the "blow by blow" (please god hurry up) reports of their day;
"First I woke up. Then I sat up. Then my left eye itched. Then I climbed out of bed and fell over. Then I stood up. Then I opened the door. Then I walked down the hall leaning on the wall. Then I sat down. Then I slid down the stairs on my bum. The I walked down the hall. Then I opened the bathroom door. Then I pulled down my jammies. Then I peed, a really BIG pee. Then I wiped and wiped. The I stood up. Then I pulled my jammies up. Then I turned on the cold faucet but it was too cold...."
All of this for "What did you do today?"... gets taken VERY literally... even if you're picking them up from school or at a friends house so the implication is "What did you do at school/ friends/ etc."
When this *first* clicks kids are often not ABLE to start in the middle... and if you interrupt... they start over. Or if they think they've made a mistake they will beat that time frame to death while they figure out if they peed before they skipped or after the skipped because it's *vitally important and the world will end if they don't get it in the right order*. (fortunately this phase usually only lasts for a few weeks to a few months). ALSO they're not usually able to interject much if any emotion or thought into their days. It's a stream of facts in order. As they develop more cognitively they're able to fast forward through the "inconsequential" parts and do broad strokes AND interject emotion and their thoughts over the top of their broad strokes.
What you're doing is fantastic... you just need to alter it a bit to be more collaborative while he's this young.
"Lets think about 3 good things that happened today! Let's see there was;
1 ___________
2 ___________
3 ___________
4 ___________
5 ___________
6 ___________
And what about
7 ___________
8 ___________
Which will both jog your kiddos memory and give him a bunch of ideas to think about and choose from.
It's completely normal. I've talked to few children who can review their day at will and remember more than one or two highlights, at best. Kids are pretty present-moment, and "right now" is where they are focused. That can pretty much make earlier moments less accessible.
And now that I'm in my 60's, I'm amazed to realize I'm just like that again. It's a blessing and a curse.
Don't be mad at your little guy for not being able to do the mental exercise you find so inspiring. That is guaranteed to make it not an exercise in appreciation or gratitude, but rather of anxiety. Hardly what you are trying to foster. And anxiety to please you will NOT give him better access to what happened two or ten hours ago; on the contrary, it will stick him even more firmly in THIS moment.
His capacity to remember should gradually increase over the next few years. He can probably remember now, if you give him little clues that trigger memories (just like I have to go back to the kitchen and look at what I was doing to remember why I walked into the bedroom). And he will have random memories that are triggered by words and phrases and similar events. But to just sit there and recall the day in a linear fashion might simply be beyond his ability. He probably can't do calculus yet, either.
You read this self help book and now your your child has to participate in the new regime? Take what it has to offer YOU in finding happiness in your parenting and let the little guy enjoy being 4.
If you're getting so frustrated with this exercise, I think it's time to stop! He is clearly too young to get anything out of it. You're putting alot of pressure on him to "perform" and he probably senses it. Why don't you just wait awhile, and then reintroduce the exercise when he's a little older? I'm all for fostering an attitude of gratitude in children, but like anything else, it won't make any difference to them if they're not ready for it. Save yourself the anger and frustration, and try some more age-appropriate activities with him.
He's only 4 years old.
He is not 12.
This is common.
Kids DO honestly forget what happened 10 hours earlier and/or the exactness of it.
Keep your expectations, age-appropriate.
I think, the fact that he does come up with answers, even if it is boring/mundane to you, so what. The lesson is, to me... that child and parent can have a conversation... and a rapport.... and a bonding, by just talking about it.
There is NO 'correct' answer..... to this question. But they may be scared of answering it... because they don't want to get that 'look' from their parent or be wrong or naughty for saying the wrong thing.
He is 4.
I have a 4 year old boy.
When your son starts Elementary school... you will find, that MANY kids.... when asked "How as your day?" by their Mom afterschool... all the kid will say is "fine." And if pressed with "What did you do all day at school?" The kid will just respond with "I don't know.." THIS IS common.... in many kids.
Instead of 'expecting' a certain answer from your child... just have 'conversations'... and not it being about specifics they give you.
Your son is normal.
And, this type of 'lesson' to me, PER this age...can be taught in a different way. Not a 'listing' of things, nor a certain answer... and it should be just free flowing... just ideas. Not about correctness or what he remembers or not, and not it being like a "test".....
He probably feels put on the spot... when asked "what were 3 good things that happened today?"
How about just talking more casually about his day... and then tell him stories about your day and what you liked about it. SO much less 'pressure' that way, for a mere 4 year old, and much less rigid.
all the best,
Susan
My guess is he is just still pretty young for this kind of exercise, and not yet at an age where he can remember the highlights of the day - for now I would just remind him of the wonderful fun things he got to do that day, asking things like, "Wasn't it great when you got to go to Bobby's party?" and other yes-no questions to help him jog his memory. I don't think it is being stubborn or forgetful at all - it's being a preschooler. And even as they get older, some kids are just like that - they can't talk about things right away, or when asked, but later they will come out just out of the blue.
My daughter is 3 - when I ask her about her day at preschool, she will usually say "Good!" without much detail, but later at bedtime, she will tell me all about something they made, a story they read, etc.
There's a great book called "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." I would check it out, since it can help with learning how to communicate with your child, since different people (even kids) communicate in different ways.
Wow!! I can't believe something like this would anger you!!! He is 4 and he is learning to communicate. How many children come home from school and say they did nothing!! It is normal. He either doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't quite know how to answer you!! I am sure he can sense your frustration, and maybe he becomes tense. In my opinion it is a pretty tough question for a 4 year old. What about what was 1 fun thing you did today, and help him to remember some of the things he did. He is only a child, his interests I am sure are all over the place. Most boys are not big communicators, especially those types of questions. It almost sounds like you are pumping him rather then talking to him. If you want to talk to him sit on the floor and play with him and he will talk to you, about the things HE wants to talk to you about. If you ask him what he wants from Santa I am sure he will go on and on and on!!!! If this game frustrates you then stop doing it. It almost sounds like you are taking it personal. Like I did this for you and you should say it was your favorite thing. Guess what sometimes as a parent you will feel taken advantage of, but we do for them because we receive joy from doing things with and for our children, not for recognition.
Yes, this is just totally normal. You are expecting too much. My son is 6 almost 7 and for the first time can remember something from school that he enjoyed and will tell me about it when he gets home. Although some days he still does not remember much. We got nothing out of him last year when he was 5/6 and in Kindergarten! You should not try to work on your child being mindful and you should not feel angry. It's just his age. You can "remember" the 3 good things for him right now and talk about them with him. In a couple years try again when he is older.
It's none of the things you think. It is his age.
Don't you remember what it was like when you were little and what your perception of time was like?
As a child, 'time' and 'life' seemed infinite and slow...don't you remember wanting to be older ALL the time? Or what it was like waiting for Christmas? We (well, I did anyway) wanted 'life' to hurry up and happen...because our perception of 'time' was different than how we perceive it now, as adults.
Please cut your son some slack...he is being a normal kid! He is only 4 years old for crying out loud (this "I don't know what I did today" stage is going to last quite a few years longer) my kids still do this and they are a lot older than your baby...which IMO 4 yrs. old is still a baby! - Well AT LEAST a toddler! :)
Enjoy your 'time' with your little one...I promise it goes by faster and faster every year...before you know it, you are going to be trying to remember (and be being sad about) what your son was like when he was 4!
Riley J.'s answer (as usual) explains the situation very well.
I suggest, that if you are still getting frustrated with this, talk with your son's Dr. He/She should be able to help you determine age appropriateness (is that a real word, IDK?) of your quest to "Raising Happiness".
Happy Holiday Jae!
~Love your name BTW!
Your son is totally normal. Most boys give short answers to questions...especially at that age. My son is 5 1/2 and in Kindergarten. I always ask him how school was, what was his favorite part of the school day, what did he have for lunch, and what story did his teacher read in class. Answers are: Good. Recess. Dunno and Dunno. In that order everyday. Your son just a normal 4 yo boy with a normal 4 yo boy brain. They will talk for hours about something they really like, but can't remember to put their socks on before shoes or what they just did two seconds ago.
Now my 3 1/2 year old daughter always give me the whole scoop on what happened at preschool with great detail. Girls are just generally more chatty about those kinds of things that boys.
Anyhow, I wouldn't worry about it.
You think you're frustrated? My 9 year old daughter STILL does it! I think it's a processing thing. She does really well in school but sometimes forgets homework assignments. I will ask her what she did that day and she says "I dont know" or "I don't remember". I asked her teacher this year what I could do to start getting some answers out of her. Basically she suggested asking more direct questions. Instead of what did you do today, ask her what she read in RTI, or what kind of math did they study, or who did you play with at recess. Kids have a hard time processing indirect questions. If you are looking to encourage the positive events, you could try asking him about a specific event and then asking him how it made him feel.
Change your approach and you will eventually get the response you are searching for. :)
You have to help him remember things. Talk with him about all the events of the day and then ask him the parts he liked best. If you talk about special events like birthdays, holidays, etc. he will start to remember more. My son is almost 5 and he remembers some things --like our annual trip to see grandparents out of state but not day to day things like what he did at preschool. Luckily the preschool sends home updates with pictures so we know what is going on!
Kids that age have very short memories. If you're asking him after the event, he's probably tired, and not willing to talk. This is not a reason to be frustrated about. Wait a day after the event and ask him did you like when so and so did this? Meaning, offer examples from the event to see if he actually remembers rather than putting him on the spot for him TO remember what happened. Give him a lead to what you want him to tell you. Or just drop it. Honestly, I have two 6 years old. One goes through everything she did in school, the other one doesn't remember much. That or she doesn't want to talk about it. It's ok either way. I like having my kids tell me about their day if they remember or if they want to but can't pressure them into it.
One of mine always says 'the other day' something something something. Usually she's talking about something that happened a year ago let's say although she refers to it as 'the other day.' why? who knows? maybe that left an impact on her. or that was more important to her. But they're so young. their memories are short. relax.
Just a thought...what happens if you ask him about an event a day or two later?
I ask because when my son was about that age, he seemed unable to immediately process the details of anything really fun or exciting. For example, if we went to Disneyland one day, and Nana asked him that night or even the next morning "What did you do at Disneyland?" he would respond with "I don't know" and a general "I don't want to talk about it" demeanor. But if you asked him 2 or 3 days later, he would have all kinds of details for you!
I don't have an explanation for why that was, but it was definitely a pattern for a couple of years. At that age I think they just have so much to process that sometimes it's hard to sort it all out. That doesn't mean he isn't enjoying the fun times, or that he won't remember them for a long time to come.
Hey Jae,
What you are trying to teach your son is wonderful. However, he may be a bit young to appreciate it. Most kids don't really start thinking out of the box until they are around 8-10. You may have to give your son some prompts to get him thinking such as: Did you like the bounce house?, what about the party favors?, did you think the game was fun?, etc. This helps to get him thinking about things he likes and eventually he may come up with a new one on his own.
It may also be a guy thing. My husband does the same thing. He doesn't have the ability to focus on reflection when he is busy with work or a project because that would take his mind off the task at hand. This may be otherwise called a "one track mind". If this is the case, it doesn't mean that your son will not appreciate those little things, it just means he is saving brain functioning for what's most important.
He's saying he cant remember because he's still learning how to communicate. You need to help him with his answers. You would say "I went to a birthday party today and played___________" and then "We ate some things there,we ate:________________".. Maybe let him fill in blanks until he "gets it". He probably doesnt know where to start when you ask him a question... he is still unsure..... he is still learning the art of conversation, you are his trainer :)
He will learn to pay attention to details if you teach him how to do it. Take a walk and then stop and point out certain colors, shapes, textures and even aromas. When you bring these things to their attention it's how they learn to start "noticing" things on their own. Right now he could care less about details, no one has made it a priority so he just doesnt care.
Thanks for asking the question!! I hadn't put all of that together in my head. I generally feel that I've had an impossible to get my almost 4yo son to show appreciation. He too talks nonstop. I think with him he's talking too much to really process what I'm trying to talk to him about. He still can't remember why I put him in time out when his 3 minutes are up!! It's nice to know I'm not the only one and that my son isn't being ungrateful. He's being 3.5!
I have a 5 1/2 year old boy and a just turned 4 year old boy. Every night we thank God for something and just now the 5 1/2 year old is coming up with things on his own (the 4 year old thanks God for his whole family every single night). I suggest things to them so they get the idea of what we're doing.
Most of the time they can't/don't tell me what happened at school unless it was something bad (just like you said). I actually have started taking my time leaving preschool b/c the only time I hear anything out of either of them is just as I'm getting them buckled in, so I take my time. My boys both spoke early and well and have big vocabularies, so I know it's not a communication thing - they just don't put 2 and 2 together when it comes to being grateful at night until they're older, I think.
Maybe before you ask him what the good things were about his day, you review the things that happened. Invite him to comment on the things as you tell the story of the day, "It made me mad when my sister took the toy" and "we made the BIGGEST tower of blocks, it was great!" That way you can talk about his 3 good things. At our dinner table we do Happy, Sad, Silly, Mad. Eac person says one thing for each emotion that happened that day. It takes practice, but it is sometimes revealing.
Good morning I think you may be asking to much of him at 4. I have a little girl in my daycare who just turned 5 in October, and everryday I go pick her up from school as we are walking home I ask her did you have a good day at school today, she always answers yes, but when i ask her what did you do today she says I don't know, i say what do you mean you don't know I forgot, so i ask her what did you have for lunch today, she says i don't remember, now this is not everyday mind, but it is for the most part. I think you have a normal 4 year old. When i ask her did you guys hear a story sing some songs, then she will say yes or no. Hope this helps. J.
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Good morning I think you may be asking to much of him at 4. I have a little girl in my daycare who just turned 5 in October, and everryday I go pick her up from school as we are walking home I ask her did you have a good day at school today, she always answers yes, but when i ask her what did you do today she says I don't know, i say what do you mean you don't know I forgot, so i ask her what did you have for lunch today, she says i don't remember, now this is not everyday mind, but it is for the most part. I think you have a normal 4 year old. When i ask her did you guys hear a story sing some songs, then she will say yes or no. Hope this helps. J.
