Question for Teachers; How to Talk About Death

Sesame Street dealt with this issue very well when Mr Hooper died. (it is a highly acclaimed episode) They were honest and direct. The show allowed for the characters to grieve and Big Bird to come to an understanding about death. You can youtube the episode and see how they spoke about it.

hm. i love ms B, but don't agree with her in this instance. i think the kids should be given accurate, very brief information along the lines of 'miss smith died this week. we will miss her very much.'
and allow parents to handle their kids' questions as much as they see fit. i think the school staff should keep their responses brief, loving and very very simple, and direct deep questions back to the parents.
i also think that if the school staff spends TOO much time and energy trying to 'help' the kids cope and offer support and be there for them and allow them space to grieve, it can have the back-handed effect of turning a natural but sad event into a HUGE thing in the kids' minds. as a society we tend to over-coddle in our efforts to avoid the sins of the past where everything got buried and not talked about.
these are very, very small children. they will take your cue from you. sadness is perfectly appropriate, but no weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, nor the poised expectation that the kids are going to fall apart and need tons of fixing. this is a life event, and should be handled compassionately and calmly, and without undue drama.
khairete
S.

I volunteer with grieving children at Tomorrow's Rainbow (www.tomorrowsrainbow.org), a non-profit and non-denominational organization that helps to facilitate grief among children who have had a loved one die.

First of all, I commend you for coming forward to ask for this help. Most teachers are not provided with information on how to speak to children about death, so it is really great that you're asking for this information. I also suggest you find a resource near you that supports grieving children for more information.

In my volunteering, I have worked with children as young as 3 and as old as 12. When dealing with children, it is important to use the real words to describe death and dying. Do not use euphemisms such as "passed away" or "went to sleep". Simply say, "Miss Student Aide died. Does anyone know what died means?" Then, use simple words to describe death - "her body stopped working. It means that she does not eat, talk, poop, sleep, walk anymore." A great descriptor is "She is like a turtle that is not in the shell" and if you have a turtle shell, you can use it to explain death this way. You can tell the children that they will not see her anymore.

At that point, each child will ask you questions if they need more information. Some children may ask, "What happens after you die?" It is important to reply, "What do you think happens?" and let them answer. If they press to know what you think happens, you can say, "In my family we believe X, but every family believes differently. You should talk to your family about what they believe."

Children do not stay in their grief for long and at 3-5 years of age, many will "forget" and will need to be reminded that the teacher's aide is gone. This is normal. The most important thing for children to know is that it is okay to be sad and that death is a normal part of life.

Every child is different and I encourage you to continue to educate yourself on children's grief so that you can help others. Check out the resources for The Dougy Center and any children's grief support networks in your area for additional training and advice.

First, I am sorry for your loss.

I think suz T is spot on.

You aren't going to keep the news quiet , some parents will choose to share it and just like Santa Claus the kids will feel the need to tell about it. I would much rather a caring teacher briefly said .ms so and so died this week it is a very sad event but I have good memories of when she....read u that story or helped to get snack.

I l so think most kids will handle it and move on..any crazy crying isn't grief at this age but mimicking of adults. I love the suggestion to refer back to the parents that's really the most appropriate way to ____@____.com the curious kids that continue to want more clarification.

The staff should be letting the parents know immediately, and then inform them of how it's being handled. That lets each family work with their children. Unless you are in a church preschool, you must leave out any discussion of heaven or afterlife or God. Let the parents tell their kids if Ms. Susie is in heaven or not. If you are in a church school, then you must follow the religious tradition of that denomination.

Not telling them can let them feeling abandoned by the aide, and the whole point of preschool is to let them know that they are loved and cared for when not with their parents. Moreover, if one parent tells the child that Ms. Susie died and the other kids think she moved away, then kids know they're being lied to.

There's also a whole range of emotion (or lack of it) and depth of understanding among preschoolers. Some of it's based on age (a 3 year old is not where a 4.5 year old is) and some of it is based on personality and emotion. Some kids will just say "Oh" and others may be upset or fearful. It's essential that the staff not presume a level of sadness or grief that is beyond many of the kids' comprehension.

This fall my son's gymnastics coach was killed in a car accident just three weeks after he started with him. My daughter also knew him from around the gym. At 5 and 7 it was the first death of someone they knew. I simply told them that Troy had been in an accident and that although the doctors tried really hard to save him, he was just hurt too bad. There were some tears and we talked about how people at the gym might be sad and that things would feel different at the gym. After we cried together for a few minutes we put in a fun movie to watch. That was pretty much the end of it. They still mention Troy once in awhile.

My son's best friend us in the same class. His parents chose not to tell him that Troy had died.

As a parent, I really appreciated that the gym allowed us to tell (or not tell) our kids in the way we felt was most appropriate. With very young kids, I think it would be better to let the parents tell the kids. Provide resources for parents about how to address death. There are some great on-line resources that our school district has provided for parents after events like Sandy Hook and local tragedies.

Be ready to give extra hugs, but don't dwell on the death. Preschool age kids don't really have the ability to understand death. After a pretty short time they will move on.

I think each family deals with death and explanations differently and for the staff of the school to deliver news might upset some parents.

As you know, some parents get bent out of shape over very trivial stuff, just imagine this one!

When my daughter was in preschool (4yrs old), one of her best friends (a classmate) died suddenly. We were friends with this family, had playdates, etc. We were honest with her in our explanations so that she would not be fearful. I would not say that children ages 4 and up do not remember life events like this. My daughter will be 20 later this month and she remembers Hayley to this day. On her graduation day she told me... Hayley would be graduating today as well and don't you know her parents are hurting right now.

I think honesty is the best policy and the explanations of death and what it is all about should come from the parents.

The head teacher should have professional training about how to handle this. She should then brief all of the teachers, assistants and aides. This is important so that everyone is consistent with the way they use language to answer questions. It is quite possible to guide students to ask their parents for specific information about family beliefs about death while at the same time comforting and reassuring the students. You should absolutely not pretend like she just left. They will keep asking why and wonder when she will come back. They might even think they did something wrong that made her leave. This is why it is so important to be truthful and direct with them.

This happened to my son when he was in preschool and one thing I learned is that you need to be very specific about the fact that this student aides body stopped working and that she cannot come back. This is not cruelty. Rather, it is developmentally appropriate for this age, but again, the head teacher should be the one that handles this as it is a delicate topic.

So sorry for your loss.

My oldest was in kindergarten when the Sandy Hook shooting occurred. I did not want my son to know. I didn't have a problem talking about death or teaching him to feel for others. Those are very important, and we do things in our lives to teach him. What I absolutely did not want to do was scare him, and I was very concerned that he would needlessly worry about someone coming into his school and shooting them. I'm not being naive. I realize the possibility exists. But I saw no good that could come from scarring him.

The principal sent all of use an email saying the teachers were told not to discuss it, that they were leaving it up to the individual parents and that if a student were to say anything that the teachers would respond or answer the question quickly and then move on to something else. Perfect! Well, that didn't work so well. A very well meaning parent in my son's class decided to pass your yellow ribbons to all the students in memory of the kiss who died. So much for respecting my wishes!

The school needs to let the parents talk to their children in their own way. It's important to decide what the school is going to say and do and stick with it. Every family deals with things differently, and parents know what their kids need to hear.

Letty makes an interesting point about her son needing to hear that "this student aides body stopped working and that she cannot come back." My kids wouldn't need to be told that. They are from a huge family and have been to many funerals and we've talked about death. The kids will have different needs, and most of them will move on in the blink of any eye. Hey, they are little, they will move on faster than you think.

Know the message the school is going with, stay on point and if you really do have a child who is upset, just listen, try not to say too much and talk to the parent as soon as you can.

ETA -I think M M has some good information on how professionals work with children who are grieving, but in this situation it is not your place. This is the parent's job. The loss of an aide is on no way the same thing as the loss of a parent or sibling. Do not overstep your bounds. Let the parents handle it.

I'm not sure they should be told.
As a parent - I'm not sure I'd want my child to be given that sort of news.
If any child asks it might be better to say she had to leave and she won't be coming back and leave it at that.
In a sense it's accurate.
Follow the school's instructions on this when they determine how they will handle this.

Every year from kindergarten on up kids have teachers for 10 months and then everyone moves on.
Some you always remember but most you forget.
(What do YOU remember from that time in your life when you were that age?)
By 2nd or 3rd grade it's hard for kids to remember kindergarten and pre-school is nothing but vague memories.
They will forget no matter what they are told so why do they NEED to be told at all?
The telling might be more of a need for the adults than it is for the kids.
The adults can have a memorial lunch and leave the kids out of this loop.

I'd be mad if the school told my child anything like this. How a family views death is a personal thing. I think the parents should be informed and the kids told that Ms. XXX doesn't work here anymore and here's the new aid.

We have a 9 year old and we try change the channel on all of the horrible news that is going on in the world today.

She has had the same girl in her class every year and that same girl has educated our daughter on every tid bit of tragic news that has gone on for the last 4 years.

So while some say that some friends chose not to share that there was a death, and some school administration chose to leave it up to the parents to explain, the kids share with each other, and then they know.

When my daughter will no longer see an individual, I share with her that they have died and am as honest as possible, without causing fear.

I would leave it to the parents to discuss death with such young children and since people have different beliefs. I would just let the parents know what happened.

For yourself, do you have anyone that you can talk to? It's never easy dealing with the loss of a friend.

March 2013 my brother took his own life...I asked the school for help with the kids dealing with it. I wasn't in a place to really help them in the first 24-36 hours after getting the news, all I could do was hold them and cry with them. It sucked, still does.

I don't think I will ever tell my kids how he died, they just know he was sick...not that it was his own doing.

My kids also were in school (4th, 2nd, and K) when Sandy Hook happened. I told them because they were doing drills at our school in MD in case a bad person came in. I of course didn't give details, but I wanted them to be prepared.

So honestly, my advice is to get a professional who knows how to deal with death and children in to help. A grief counseling might be a good person to have on hand in case anyone wants to talk to them. I know they are young, but still. Maybe you all could talk to someone to have the best answers for the kids...I'm so sorry you are in this spot. It's hard and it stinks. It's so incredibly sad.