Unequal Friendships

I could have written this exact same post! I have finally realized that, even though I still really like these friends and their families, and have a good time on the now rare occasions we get together, I just don't take them seriously anymore when it comes to scheduling things. I don't ever mention "we shoud do _____" anymore and when they do, I don't block out the supposed date or hold my breath for any firm plans. If it happens and I/my family is available, great. If not, I am not nearly as frustrated and irritated. I also have started making other friends who are not so flaky. We don't get together as often, but at least they don't flake when we do make plans.

If it were me, I would be in the "let them go" camp. I mean, don't SAY anything, because these women are obviously busy, and we all know how busy taking care of and keeping up with a family can be. They just don't have enough time to make you the priority you want to be.
I don't mean that in a snarky way, either.
They probably enjoy your company a lot, too. But other things take precedence, that's all. So either take it or leave. No sense calling them out on it.
Just mentally take yourself out of the picture, and when they do call or email or whatever it is they do to contact you, chat with them. Plan something with them if it is convenient for you. But don't go out of your way changing things around to fit them in.

And try not to take it personally, either. They don't mean to make you feel unworthy, or un-liked, or whatever it is... but the fact is, other things are higher on their priority lists. And there is nothing you can do or say to alter that. It's just the way life is sometimes. Now that my kids are a little older (both are finally out of elementary school), I find that I have more time that I can actually spend with friends. The few that are still around.... most of the time, my life is ruled by kids' appointments and such. But since they are now older and don't need a "sitter" for me to go do something on my own for 2 hours on a Saturday, even if Dad is at work, then I really DO have more time for friends. It doesn't mean I didn't like or appreciate my friends before. Only that I was less flexible in my options/priorities.

I feel your pain! I was just talking to my husband about this. I have sort of taken a summer break from certain friendships, mostly due to being too busy, but also because I'm tired of initiating the visits. It gets old. I understand my friends are just as busy as I am, and they are probably homebodies as you mentioned. I am too and love my time to get things done and see those who are always available and around, like neighbors and family.

I think I'd try to set a firm date and time next time if you do reach out to them. Expect to meet at a particular place instead of having it so loose. Then it won't be so easy for them to flake out. I would hope. I'm sure they aren't intentionally leaving you out. They are probably just busy and wrapped up in their own stuff. It does hurt though, so I get it.

I had this problem with a good friend a couple of years ago. So I stopped calling her. I figured, if she would want to get together, she would reach out. When she sent me an "I miss you" email, I replied to let her know that I had been under the impression she was too busy to get together, since I hadn't heard from her since the last time I had invited her out, so I hadn't called. I then told her that I'd love to get together, but because her schedule is so much more demanding than mine, I would let her decide the time and place, and to give me a call when she wanted to get together.

Surprisingly, she did. And she hasn't stood me up since then, either. I think you leave the ball in their court, and if they ask why you're not picking it up, the "I assumed you were too busy" line seems to do the trick without being rude. And if they DON'T pick up the ball...well, you have your answer, don't you?

I'd back off and see what happens...and if it's as you suspect they'll be out of your circle of friends.

You sound like you need some better friends. They are taking you for granted.

Start searching for new friends and quit trying to guess what they are up to or hanging out with.. Assuming only ends up frustrating you.

I had a very good friend for many many years, but I finally realized, she was a flake. I just did not have time to waist on that relationship, and you know what, I did not ever miss her, she never was the one to put any effort into our relationship, so many disappointments from her. We just grew apart.

I would let it go. They have made it clear that the friendship is not a priority for them. I would let them initiate the next get together and leave it totally in their court. Don't hang around waiting. Get on with your life. Life it too short to let others make you sad let it go.

The person who was my best friend for over 13 yrs is like this. And recently I gave up or I got it. About 8 yrs ago she moved back to Illnois to be near her sister who was sick at the time. At first we talked on the phone a lot and she and I both visited. Her son-in-law was killed in a motercycle accident I never hesitated, I called my boss the next morning and told them what happened and said I'm going to the funeral. It didn't matter to me if they fired me or not I was going.
The past couple of years though I would call and she didn't answer, if I left a voice mail she never listened to them or called back. The last time I talked to her was in April (4 months ago). I have tried to call her but nothing ---so I gave up. She couldn't or wouldn't come to my Mom's funeral in December, she never answers her phone. In May my uncle passed away and on Sunday my cousin passed + lots of other family drama. No messages no moral support nothing. So I'm waiting to hear from her. I did send an email asking if I did something to offend her last week -- no reply. When she does call I will tell her "I give up, apparently our friendship is not as important to you as it is to me." I have told her in the past that I am very hurt when she doesn't answer the phone of return calls, her answer sorry but I'm busy. ---- Mind you all of our kids are over 18 so it's not even a sitution of busy with babies or toddlers or sick kids.
I know this sounds harsh but how many times am supposed to get a door slammed in my face?

My advice to you is to send an email or make a call and ask them what's up. Are they really busy or just avoiding you. If they are avoiding you ask why.
Then start going out to find new friends --real friends this time. Real friends wouldn't treat you like this.

I went through a period like this with my high school friends. I finally accepted that it was what it was. We actually still do get together once every couple of months for dinner. And the funny thing is its like we were never apart. Its fun to catch up. We even try hard to get the families together, but that usually happens maybe once a year.

Anyway, over the years I just accepted that our lives are busy and we have mutliple things going on and we have our own families. I then focused on my own life. And it was at this point that I started becoming very close with my SIL (we married brothers). I also am close with my sister and brother. I also made a great friend through my daughter going to school. So my point is don't waste life sitting around waiting for your friends to call or do something with you. But don't write them off. Just accept that your lives are changing and they are busy. In the meantime join a play group or get out there and reach out to other people in your lives.

Good luck!

I am so grateful to my friends like you, who call to set up outings and invite us over as I often don't have the brain space for such planning. I don't get to talk on the phone, be on the internet, or any other form of socializing without 1, 2 or 3 people (in a house of 4) completely freaking out. On the other hand, it sounds like some of your friends are very rude/inconsiderat, even with my lack of brain space I make sure I connect about such invitations - even if I have to lock myself in the bathroom to do so. Maybe they think blowing you off doesn't matter because you will be there later.

I have been on your end too, when I have had better brain space and come up with fun plans only to be waiting, waiting, waiting for someone to call or show up only for them to cancel because it is too late now. Of course it is too late now - that's why I set it up for 4 hours ago, now we have to miss out too. Some people get the benefit of the doubt other people don't - it depends on their situation. Some people get very firm boundaries and the thought process spelled out - 'we are going to the park at 10:00 so we can play for a bit before it gets hot, then we can get lunch and and still be home for nap by 1:00 - if they go down any later it is hard to get to bed at night.'

Friendships are hard as adults. It is so hard to make new friends that I want to hold on to the ones I have, but I decided long ago that if I can't be a good friend I won't drag someone else a long, and if they can't be a good friend they get less energy from me. Also I want my kids to learn what it means to be a good friend - whether it be outgoing or incoming.

Good luck

I don't have a good answer but to say I am in a similar situation in most of my relationships. In part, for me, the reason is that I live in an area I didn't grow up in and have no family in. So for me, my friends are all I have. But they all grew up here or relatively near. They have lifelong friends and sisters and cousins and parents that they hang out with in addition to me. I end up feeling rather needy when I realize I'm doing all the reaching out. I've also been here long enough to recognize that some of the acquaintances I made when I first moved here are actually not my cup of tea, so my circle of friends has been winnowed down to those I really enjoy my time with.

Being that I can recognize my own neediness, I would not approach my friends and tell them our friendship is unequal. As I tell my kids all the time, you can't control other people's behavior, you can only control your own. If I were to display that neediness to my friends, I'm afraid it would really backfire and make me even less desirable to hang out with. It doesn't sound like your friends want to let your friendships go, just that they have a wider pool of social commitments than you do. I would let them know that it's a shame you couldn't get together, but I wouldn't take it further than that.

At 42, I've stopped putting effort into friendships that seem to require so much work. Letting the friendships go was like having a weight lifted off my shoulders. In your case, I would suggest you do the same. Refocus your attention on friends that you are on a more equal footing with. Friendships go through cycles, too. There are people I don't see for a long time, but we can pick up right where we left off, those are the ones I treasure the most.

It's not necessarilyy unequal. You have different roles. In any group, you'll likely have, say, an organizer, a nurturer, a busy-body, a worker bee, a leader, the social butterfly who just adds personality to any situation.... No one's any more or less important. You just settle into the role you play in the group. It seems that your role might be the glue or the nurturer, the one who calls and checks in and makes sure that the "group" is still intact. There's really no room for more than one of these. When you back off, you throw off the group dynamic. We have different groups to meet our different needs. If you need to be nurtured, then you'll have to add a different friend/set of friends to your life to meet this need. Don't give up your first friends, though, unless you just don't enjoy them anymore. You have to let people be who they are. You can't force them to meet your needs.

Wow last time i asked a question about something similar i got quite a few snarky answers. I think someone even called me clingy and jealous lol. But I'm glad to see your getting good advice and mature responses.
I feel your pain also. There have been a couple of friends whom I've had to let go because of flakiness, only wanting to talk when convenient for them, and even one who was a good friend since grade school that just basically blew me off when she moved out of state.
I have one friend right now that I'm a little irked over her flakiness in the past. When this friend invites me she acts like hers is a 'can't be missed, event of the century.' If i were you I would stop making the effort, definitely don't wait around if they're getting flaky, and when they make those lame comments on Facebook like 'I miss you!' or 'hey stranger!' take it as an opportunity to casually snap back and say something like 'wow where have you been?!' or 'are you actually able to squeeze me into your calendar?!'
A little sarcasm goes a long way lol. Bottom line you don't have to drop them completely, just make them only as much of a priority as they make you. I stopped inviting that friend so much that always flakes and I turn her down here and there if I'm not into it, but we're still friends. She's invited me to her babyshower next month and yes it's the 'event of the century', but I have yet to decide for sure if I'm going because I am still sore that she flaked on mine. Ok maybe I'll go because I don't want to be immature about it;)

" . . .One of the friends I'm writing about was so out of touch that she didn't even realize that I had broken my arm until three months after it happened. . . " I wouldn't call this friendship. I would call this an acquaintancee.

There are many fine people out there who will treat you better.
Go get yourself some more polite friends.

I've gotten to the point where I know who my real friends are and who my friends are that we see on occasion.

Real friends are the ones who return your phone calls, and who occasionally pick up the phone to call you first. They are the ones who remember your birthday, send chirstmas greetings, and care about not only you but your family.

Friends you see on occasion are those people who's company you enjoy but don't expect too much from.

I just got a job reference inquiry for a friend that I had "lost touch with". I could tell that her and I were not seeing eye to eye on everything and had not been calling her like I used to and vice versa. I tried calling once and leaving a voicemail and sent about 3 text messages. All with no response. I finally realized that she was cutting ties with me. But when I got the ref check, I text her one more time just to let her know I received it and that I was sorry if I was not a good friend to her and that I wish I knew if I did or said anything to end the friendship. I feel like if you are really good friends with someone, and you are drifting apart, you should be able to talk to them about things vs just cutting them out and not giving them an explanation or anything. This particular "friend" did send me a text back and at least now I know her reasons for cutting me out and I don't have to wonder anymore if it was something that I did, because it wasn't. It was things that she needed to deal with and come to terms with in her own life. I miss her but need to continue on with my life and associate with people that respect me and want to be around me and my family.

I would start to set up boundaries. Instead of waiting for a call, you could say, "We will be at the park from 2-4. If you can make it, great. If not, we'll see you another time." In other words, give her YOUR timeframe vs waiting on hers. So today you could have said, "We'll be at x from 10 to 12" and if she comes, she comes. If she doesn't, you still got out.

I'd try to do this sort of thing so you feel less resentful, but do still enjoy their company when everyone can get together.

I'm right there with you. In fact, I have stopped calling one of my closest friends because I just feel like she has excuse after excuse for everything, and as I see it, we are adults. If a party starts at 4, don't show up at 5:15. If we say we are going to go do something, don't cancel 80% of the time.

Yes, we have kids, and things happen, but this doesn't mean you don't need to stay true to your word and be responsible.

Oh my goodness, after reading your post and some of the responses, I am glad to see I am no the only one that feels this way. I just told my husband that I am sick of all these people I thought were my friends. I too hate FB sometimes, I see friends out doing fun things and never getting invited, I start thinking maybe there is something wrong with me, like what did I do, then I realize I havent done anything. They sure dont hesitate to call me when a sitter is needed. One person who I thought we were close had pretty much dismissed me since she has been promoting a certain product and now her entire life is focused on that, even things I used to ask her to do with me such as go for a walk, she has a whole group of new friends to do that with, and unless I join this company, I will continue to be left out, ok, sorry just my little tiraid, back to the subject at hand, I feel as you do, lately more oftem than not.

With friendships, there has to be a mutual amount of flexibility, esp. if we have children.

With good friends, you know an excuse is genuine. I've had to cancel with my dearest girlfriend a handful of times since having Kiddo, and she's also called me that handful of times with "I have cramps and hate everyone, so I don't want to go out tonight."

When we have that certain closeness, we can give our friends the benefit of the doubt because we know they still adore us even if they are stuck at home because of the husband being at work or because they have cramps or whatever. It doesn't sound to me like this piece of the relationship is there.

It's okay to let friendships go. I wouldn't say friendships are a dance, but more like the tides... at some point, one friend or the other may feel like they are doing 'more' of the work tending the friendship. If that feeling is felt by both persons involved, and is mutual, then friendships can withstand those tides because the burden of effort is shared.

Only you know how the burden of effort feels for you. So, if it feels like you are making more of an effort, try to see it objectively. It was obviously a pretty tough day for you today. Friends do that to each other--occasionally. Only you can decide if you want to put forth more effort or not.

If I did have a conversation with a friend like this, I might start it with an open-ended question: "Hey, it's been a long time since we've been able to get together... how've you been?" Sometimes, people have deeper problems they are not dealing with on Facebook (which actually shows good boundaries), or you might discover that you are right, and there is a lack of effort on your friend's part. I'd try to listen with an open-mind as much as possible, and to think hard before trying to 'fix' things.

To be very honest, if someone told me that they'd like to see more effort on my part as a friend, I think I would feel pretty defensive and it likely wouldn't be progressive to the conversation. This is why I suggest an open-ended question. And if you decide to let the friendship go, I don't know that an outright conversation needs to happen. At that point, you do follow their lead and go see them when/if it's convenient for you.

Lots of good comments... I am sort of in a similar situation.. but my case... I work FT at a job where I also commute 3 hours/day. ( gone 6am to 6pm) THEN... I come home to take care of the ranch we live on, give riding lessons some days after work and on weekends... and take care of my two boys 9 and 12 ( who is a special needs child). I have a friend... who rarely works... self employed but works 1-3 days per week for ~ 5 hours a day close to home and she has one 12 yr old. Twice now she has convinced me to join something she wanted us to do together that is ongoing for several months... One a work out thing... and one a horseback riding thing... and has flaked now on both while I have continued doing them at the designated times. She will call me and leave messages during the day while I am working and then gets upset when I dont return her call promptly... but when can I? I get home at 6pm then feed horses. get kids together for the next day, feed kids...and barely get that all done to get in bed by 9pm... which is then too late to call her... and when I am up and leaving at 6am... is too early for her. I get the ... I dont feel as important to you any more... but then when I show up for the things we had pre arranged and she does not...b/c she is too tired... it drives me CRAZY! She wants me to drop what I am doing to "hang out" with her... but many times I am too busy... as I have laundry / chores to do and she will say... OH you can do those later... ( b/c she can with her work hours/ schedule) and I really can't... b/c if I get behind... I dont have wiggle room to catch up easily. I also have a pretty stressful job... and she will then complain to me about minor issues in her day that upset her.... then I feel like I am not being the best friend... b/c I can't really be very sympathetic to her situation... when I feel like I am doing all I can do to hold my family together. I like her but she is definitely on her timeline and her priority line and cant understand that I am REALLY BUSY always!... and then I make time for her and she flakes.... It really does make me pull away from her... ;(

I have been having this same issue in the past couple of days, with one friend in particular. I have no good answer for you, so I will take note of your responses.

I'm a flake. I'm not proud of this but I can say that these girls may or may not be intentionally avoiding or cancelling with you. I am a better last minute person. I love the calls that I get at 4 for a quick happy hour get together and appetizer and am way more often to go if this is a person that is very aware and laughs at my flakiness. I am bound by 4 children and a husband. I work and am a very "me" person. The friends I do have that are close I see maybe 3 times a year and text and email once a month if we are lucky. That is why we are friends...because we accept the excuses and laugh and joke about each other. I am not saying that you should not feel hurt or pushed aside. Talk to them. They are your friends. I think if you show your vulnerability versus your anger they will be more receptive (I hate to feel called out and I tend to back off when I am confronted negatively). I don't know how they will respond if you mention the facebook stuff but I am sure they have a story for you and it's up to you if you want to believe it. If the bottom line is that you no longer trust their word, then you may already have your answer and it is not them, it may just be time for you to move on to spend time with people that you feel valued and have the same communication level as you. It's ok to still be in touch and invite them but maybe if you fill your social calendar with others you won't be so upset to not be seeing them.

What you describe doesn't really sound like friendship, honestly. It sounds like you're their mother or teacher, constantly following up to make sure the relationship retains some sense of closeness.

Real friends pick up the phone when you call, pick up the phone to call you, initiate contact as much as you, and put it around the same amount of effort that you do. People who use electronics/modern technology as a way to avoid or get out of following through with a commitment are not friends. Friends that communicate with you electronically more than in person, are not friends, IMO.

Honestly, it sounds like you have a "Facebook" friendship with these people. What I mean by that, is they will send you an IM on FB because it's easy and convenient for them, they'll post on your wall about how much they miss you, when it comes to actually following through & manning up, they've "lost their phone" or "couldn't get service". Why not call & say they miss you? Because they feel guilty & would rather take the coward's way out & send an email.

I think friendships should be easy, stress free, and have no expectations. This is why I love the few friends I have. They are the type of people who keep promises & have helped me out in a crunch. These are the people that would take us in if we had nowhere to go. They understand that I'm a working mom, and I understand that they are busy, too. I say, let it go. If they try to give you a guilt trip, remind them of all the things they've bailed on, or that you don't see them calling you or planning anything with you.

Friendships are sometimes like seasons, they come and go. You should not always be the one to follow up or initiate plans. It sounds like it would be easier for you to get President Obama on the phone than these folks. I have a friend now that I don't see often, but we catch up by phone every 2-3 weeks or so. We always talk about getting together, but it rarely works out. I've known her since Kindergarten and I still like talking with her, but realize that there our interaction is primarily by phone and I'm ok with that, although I would enjoy seeing her more than once a year. I have a core group of friends (sorority sisters) who we get together throughout the year, although there is one in particular that I hang out/talk to more than the others. Every relationship is different and your true friendships will demonstrate mutual interest. Expand your circle of friends.