Undoing the Damage My Mom Did

That is not your mom's fault. grandma is a grandma, she took care of her. the job of raising, educating, and teaching responsibilities is your job, not hers. you're never too late to teach her these things. start now, and please don't take it out on your mom.

Wow, it's your MOMMY'S fault there's something wrong with your kid? I don't think so, she's YOUR kid, Grandma is just Grandma, YOU'RE the parent. Jeesh!

The way to 'fix the damage' is to show a very positive interest in your daughter's everyday life. Bring her in close to you. You are on her side, you've got her back, she trusts you, WANTS your input, enjoys your company, you are a TEAM in making her life the best it can be.

Once you achieve THOSE things, THEN you can go about the business of whatever it is you think she is falling short at.

Where you're at has very little to do with Grandma. And no, it's not 'too late'.

Enjoy her!

:)

I had to put my son in daycare after he was born because I had to work too, he was in that setting until he got to kindergarden at which point I was able to work part time ( thank God ) and pick him up from school. I don't blame the daycare for anything he didn't learn. Thats my job to teach him what he needs to learn. Working mom or not. That is still my job as his mother.
I would give your mom a break. Grandmas do the spoiling, not the hard stuff like us. ;)

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Wow-I am just wondering if it is too late to undo the damage that YOU most likely have done with the attitude that it is everyone elses fault but your own. Seriously, this is to me one of the worst traits that a person can have. We all need to accept personal responsibility to have a gratifying and successful life. Hopefully it is not too late for you to learn this and to begin instilling it in your daughter..

how nice to have your mom to blame it on. unless you've been asleep at the switch for the last 11 years, you've been aware of what's going on but chosen to abdicate your role as this child's main role model.
of course it's not too late. but you need to step up to the plate and parent, and that includes not blaming other people for your shortcomings.
khairete
S.

It took you 11 years to realize your kid is not doing their chores? Really? don't think you can pin this all on your mom.

You need to fix this and fix it wuick. How is your child going to get assignemts done in college or the work place? Who is going to do her laundry and buy her food when she moves out for the 1st time?

You have lots of time, but you need to correct this behavior now. Explain that you are a FAMILY and EVERYONE in the house needs to chip in and help.

If my 3 & 5 yer old can help fold clothes and clear their plates, I am sure your 11 year old can catch on.

Just tell her "Daughter dear, one day you can have a maid to do all of your chores IF you finish your education and get a great job that affords you the luxury of a servant, BUT just in case you have to go for awhile and survive on your own these are some skills that you must learn to do for yourself"... Then make a chart of her weekly chores and her homework schedule. Don't blame Grandma for this, blame it on the fact that your daughter is now 11 and it is time for her to start learning "adult" things because she is a tween and will be an adult in 7 years. Tell her she will thank you later that you taught her the proper way to clean a toilet and tub, do dishes, sweep, mop and vaccuum and change the sheets on the bed. Do realize that you dont have much time to prepare a child for the adult world and it's never too soon to get them into good habits. Do not threaten to punish her, but DO punish her when she doesnt stick to your agreed upon schedule that you are about to put into place. She's 11 now, not 5.

S.:

I'm sorry - this isn't about your mother - this is about YOU and the damage YOU did.

You failed to follow up. You failed to show your daughter the rules and guidelines. You let your mother do it all. You didn't speak up. You didn't stop and say NO, she MUST do this herself.

Your mother "raised" your daughter. YOU DID NOT. That may be brutal - but it's the truth.

You need to talk with your daughter - NOT ACCUSE and tell her your expectations. These are your chores and responsibilities. I expect them to be done in a timely manner or on specific dates for example - my son has to take out the trash Sunday's and Wednesday's as well as other stuff - he gets an allowance of $5.00 per week - if he does not do his job - he loses money. If he does his job and goes above and beyond - he gets a bonus. He gets rewarded for his behavior.

Now it's time for YOU to be a mom. YOU need to lead by example. YOU need to TALK WITH (NOT TO!!!) her responsibilities, abilities, etc. what she feels is fair and equitable. COMPROMISE.

Bottom line - the responsibility lies WITH YOU. This is NOT your mother's fault. It is yours. FLAT OUT. BOTTOM LINE. YOURS. Don't push this off on someone else. You failed to follow through. You let someone else do your job and now you are complaining. Doesn't work that way.

I wouldn't blame Grandma. It's her job to spoil.
She raised you and her raising days are over.
So now it's your turn, and it's not easy to figure it out sometimes.
At 11, her school work might be getting tougher, and the school might be expecting her to take more control of her work. The transition from elementary to middle school is coming up if it hasn't already and it can be very rough for many students. They need to develop organizational skills (often after complete denial that they have a problem) and it's a blow to their developing ego.
As far as chores go, there are many approaches.
Some pay allowances.
Some say "you live here therefore you help out - everyone does their part".
Start by showing her / helping her and making sure she knows how to do the job (to your satisfaction). She can load / unload the dishwasher, take out the trash/taking it to the curb on trash day, help with yard work / washing the car / cleaning the house / walking/feeding the dog (if you have one).
Praise her for a job well done when she does well (tell her you appreciate what a big help she is), or if she does a not so good job, show her a few more times then say she must need lots more practice till she gets it right.
Try not to take away privileges for bad performance. It tends to make them think things like TV, games, computer, phone (if she has one) are rights they are owed no matter what.
Instead let her know they are earned each time by good performance.
It's subtle, but it's a big difference. Good luck!

never, ever compare life to "before vs. after" Gma. Instead, approach it from a positive standpoint....

Since your daughter is 11, sit down with her & ask her to help you compile a list of chores/responsibilities. Clearly state that if she doesn't do these things, then there will be no opportunities for rewards/priviledges/etc. The flat-out truth/reality is: if Mom has to do all of this, then there is zero time for fun.

Just as a heads-up, have you asked your Mom exactly what she did for your DD? Is it possible that your DD is exaggerating the situation? & have you approached your Mom over the damage this has caused....& asked her to apologize to your DD for the trouble she's created? That might actually help if Gma admits her part of the issue! Taking it a step further, what if Gma created the chore/responsibility chart of all she used to do.....this then throws the responsibility where it needs to be....& will help preserve your relationship with your DD!!

I get your issue a little bit - my Mom is our babysitter and she gives the kids whatever they want unless I specifically say, "Don't do this." Like giving dessert after EVERY meal. I appreciate her help, and I let a lot go, but when I see it interfereing with the way the kids behave with me (i.e., whining for sweets 20 times per day), I step in.

I guess I am confused because you can't possibly have not noticed your own child's behavior in 11 years?? I suppose you mean that YOU let a lot go, and now you are wanting to fix it? Good - and it is not too late to start instilling some responsibility in your child.

Tell her your expectations, write them down (maybe as a "contract") and do a daily check of the behavior. Communicating the expectations and consequences are key here if you have never held her to any standard before now. You can't punish her for your own failure to follow through before. If she doesn't do as is expected, she needs to have consequences of lost priviledges or lost toys, etc. Once she knows the rules, you will have to support her, remind her, and react as is called for. It wouldn't be bad to clear up this notion that it was okay for Grandma to do her work for her and the notion that you won't pay attention and even apologize for this diservice.

My kids always put their own toys away and helped to pick up their own rooms from before the age of 1 - of course with guidance and me doing most of it, but they didn't realy know that!! At 2, they started doing things like helping make lunch and feeding the cat. At 3-5 they started getting jobs, like putting the laundry in the washer, unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher, dusting, etc. Now that I have a six year old, I expect her to do her jobs without directly being asked.and with minimal reminders. I also expect her to "pitch in" when asked without backtalk or whining even if it is "not her job."

Wow. I have no advice because you're clearly not willing to take ANY responsibility for your child's lack thereof. She seems to be learning by example.

Accept and Embrace your role as the parent...take your power back(blaming others is giving your power away) create the boundries for your home and for your daughter, set the expectations and clearly lay out and follow through with the rewards(for the job well done) and consequences when expectations are not met. It would be great to involve your daughter in creating her new found responsibilities...unless she refuses to cooperate. I am big on positive reinforcement..praise...and rewards...and also being involved with my kids...make it fun...but make it clear, her new jobs are not optional, they are expected... Sometimes my kids aren't into 'my making it fun'...and so I bottom line it...and throw out the consequences..xyz needs to get done by such and such a time, and if it does...we can do (some fun thing)...then they're on there own and I hold true to my word!

Your mom did the best she could..be grateful for her service to your family...and now that you see some things you want to change, embrace that responsibility, be the best mom you can be, and lead by example in helping your daughter become the best she can be. It has to be a priority of yours...and if it is, you will see great changes! It's not too late, but time is ticking! Good luck...and good for you for reaching out for help. Motherhood is a journey and no one is perfect..we learn lessons all along the way..sometimes the hard way!!

I dont want to beat a dead horse. It's good that you are recognizing a deficiency and addressing it before she hits the teen years. The way to teach your daughter responsibility is to lead by example. Set a good example. Explain to her every step of the way why you are doing the things you are and why you expect her to do her part. Set a system of goals = rewards / actions = consequences, not just for her but for yourself. Hold yourself and her accountable.

I agree with Lola 100% (and Theresa N. too!).

I'll refrain from repeating what others have said and just answer your question: Best you can do at this point is to set an example. Get your daughter involved in helping you at first instead of just expecting her to do it on her own. Have her help with laundry, dusting, cleaning mirrors, vacuuming, etc. Stuff you 2 can do together. If you are a tidy person, she will follow suit.

My kids enjoy helping around the house. We turn up the music and make it fun. My son loves dusting and wiping the mirrors while my daughter enjoys organizing, putting stuff in their place. However they help out with whatever I ask because its what I taught them since they were little.

It’s not too late. Take control and be patient. Don’t expect a miracle. Also consider a rewards chart rather than immediately dishing out consequences. And make a HUGE deal if she does clean =-)

Good luck!

I haven't read any responses so sorry if it's a repeat... It's not too late, don't worry. All kids will try to get out of doing chores, heck, I do it myself, but in the end it does get done no matter how long I wait and hope for some fair godmother to do it for me.

As for chores, let her know what she has to do and if she doesn't what the consequence is. Most importantly, enforce this, do not let her slip by.

As for Homework the same. My husband always had the kids do their homework as soon as they go home, while school is still on the brain. Once they finish then they could do what they wanted to do. Don't take responsibility from her either. If she forgets to do something and gets in trouble or forgets to bring it, don't go to the school to drop it off. If you know she can get a certain grade make her and if she doesn't then let their be consequences. I still ask every night when I get home from work if the kids have homework.

Don't be too hard on your mom either, she did it out of love and she's a grandma and they do love to spoil...

Not late at all, your daughter knows that grandma rules and your rules are different, she knows that grandma was doing this behind your back and now she is gone is over.
The most important thing is for you now to be clear on your expectations and constant, not only with daughter but with grandma too.
At least they got to have a sweet (no so good) bond together that your daughter will remember for ever. Not all have that opportunity.