Uncontrollable Lies....

Your Daughter sounds like me when I was that age.

In short I had self esteem issues, as well as some depression, and other stuff going on.

I lied about anything that I could lie about for any reason. I even lied about stuff that didn't matter, it was ridiculous!

Wanted to appear better than I felt about myself. Wanted to pass the blame onto someone else, because I didn't want to feel worse about me (which just ended up making me feel worse anyway!) Wanting to Not get in trouble if I could help it.

It wasn't until I was an adult and got into therapy that the self esteem, and Depression were addressed. Honestly one of my big therapy issues was Trust...I didn't trust anyone with the truth...

I hope you and your Daughter figure this out.

I have this same problem with my nine year old, the lies, exagerations and stories have been going on for a while. She used to tell her teacher she was too busy doing laundry while we (hubby and I) went out to dinner. She has spent so much time lying, no one believe much that she says.

On the advice of friends I went and had her evaluated at Pine Rest. The evaulation was for ADHD, but this covers all kinds of possible things including ODD, adjustment promblem, depression, etc, not just ADHD. This evaluation helped a lot and she now sees a play therapist, who works on behavior redirection and problem solving skills.

I can't say she not still lying, but I think it's down to what the average child does. Good luck.

WOW I HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY TEENAGER WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE AND I TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM HER FROM THE TV RADIO PHONE I EVEN WENT AS FAR AS DRIVING HER TO SCHOOL AND PICKING HER UP SO THAT SHE HAD NO DOWN TIME WITH HER FRIENDS THEN I GOT WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORTS FROM HER TEACHERS .AND LITTLE BY LITTLE SHE TURNED IT AROUND AND GOT THINGS BACK ON TRACKMY I MADE HER EARN STUFF BACK WEEK BY WEEK BE STRONG SHE WILL TURN IT AROUND

Teenagers usually don't like another teenager for some jelousy reason, so these are the people that they need to impress the most. It could be a boy, clothes, group of friends, special treatment from a teacher, car, there are so many reasons not to like someone in your class and it usually it not a good reason but a jelousy one.

As far as the lying, SHE NEEDS TO BE IN COUNCELING! There has to be a reason behind the lies and if she has been doing it since she was 6, It is definatly time for an answer.

Good luck to you,

Obviously we all remember how hard being a teenager was. My sister was a little like your daughter, and my mom had a simple solution. Punish her according to what she's doing/lying about. For example, my sister refused to clean the bathroom, so my mom took away all her bathroom priveledges (aside from using the toilet and a 5 minute shower) which meant she had no make-up or curling iron. She would lie about where she went, so my mom took and picked her up from every location for months until she earned her trust back. My mom had a problem with me dating boys behind her back, so she grounded me from any social outings and got caller ID on the phone. Teenage girls will test every limit you set, and by not backing down, you are being the best mom possible. The best advice I can give is don't punish her the minute she does something wrong because you might say something you don't want to. Instead send her to her room, take a time out and REALLY think about the punishment she deserves (possibly ask someone else what they think too) then after you've cooled off, you can tell her what her punishment is and you won't be tempted to "let her off the hook" or back out of it before the punishment ends. Good luck!!!

Hi Dren,

I had a lot of problems with my teenage son (15). I sought counseling for both of us. I learned that we cannot control anybody, including our children, even at birth. I also learned that they have just as many choices to make as we do and there are consequences and rewards for every choice, even if the reward is simply not getting in trouble. Now, I always let my child know about his choices that he made and the consequence/reward that goes along with it. When a child knows that the choice is theirs, the power struggle seems to dissipate. We get along a lot better now.

Maybe you can use this info, maybe not, but I thought I would pass it along.

C.

I agree with everyone else...there is a reason behind her constant lying and if she won't talk to you...you have to find her someone to talk too. This has been happening since she was 6? Why didn't you nip it then? I have a 6 year old and she knows that lying is a major offense in my house. I discipline her accordingly when she does lie and when she has done something bad and tells me the truth...we have a heart to heart about it and the discipline if still needed is very minor. Lying is the worst offense...and if it continues you will not have a relationship with your child...no matter what age. Maybe she doesn't watch her sibling often...but from what I am hearing...it is to often for her. It isn't her responsibility, she is still a child. I could understand it more if she was older and doing it to make her own money. A phone? A 12yr. old does not need her own phone. A 12yr. old also does not Need a Playstation or a computer. Those are all privileges that she shouldn't even have till she can offer the respect deserved to the person who pays for it all. My opinion is still a 12yr. old does not need her own phone no matter what. You have to be stricter and come down on her harder...flat out.

Hmmm...I don't see anywhere in this post where you could quote me saying that...*Yawn* If she could talk to you and be open with you...she wouldn't need counseling. You would be able to help her through whatever makes her lie so much.

I have the same issue with my 15 yr old daughter and it has been going on for years. She is constantly telling me that she doesnt have homework, or she has turned it in already, finished it in class. Even when the teacher tells me that she has not done it she fights with me. And it is not only school it is stuff here at home also. I am having a hell of a time getting her to take a shower daily or even take her medication (she is manic depressive and adhd). She is constantly telling me she has done these things when it is obvious that she hasnt. I have been dealing with this since about 8th grade. I really hope it passes soon.

M.
mom to Christina 15
Isabella, Logan and Brody 4

Your daughter sounds like she doesn't have much confidence or self esteem. Normally, when a teenager lies, she is trying to make herself seem important or she just wants to see what she can get away with. She needs to understand that her actions have consequences. Make sure you don't let up on the grounding and privledges. I wouldn't let her have anything back until she earns it. Have you ever thought of having her volunteer for something? Make her understand how lucky she is? Maybe if she had to work with special needs kids or work at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, she would see how good she has it. Just a thought!!

Hello Dren,

I understand completely what you are going through. I have 2 boys going on 13 and 15. I think the lying thing is the age. I mean I have taught them the values they need in life. I don't condone or even like lying they know that. But they still do it. Even when they know we know the truth. Teenagers are by far the hardest stage of a childs life. Hormones , puberty, peer pressure etc. My oldest son has Aspergers syndrome and my youngest ADHD, just on the line of Autistically impaired. Not that you can tell. They have had several years of help and most day you wouldn't know. But the peer pressure today with our children is extremely hard. We finally got to the point where they no longer have a tv in thier room and the game systems are a earned thing. All the privilages are earned. They both have laptops and generally for schoolwork. We monitor it. They both have thier own phone but it is restricted and are taken away with any disrespect. We live a couple miles out of town so they can't just be dropped off and roam the town we won't allow it. We do however let them hang out at places like the library , Rec Center etc. But for trips etc, unless we are with them they don't go. As for telling her teacher them things that is very disrespectful to you and there needs to be consequences. I would tell her no more friends nothing till further notice. That anything she gets besides food a house over her head and clothes she earns everything. That if her grades go down her phone is gone till her grades go up. You have to be strong with the consequences and stick with them. My younger son is in football and plays the viola and he only can do these things if he keeps his grades up. The viola is a class but football would be the first to go if his grades fall and he knows that. Sit down with your daughter and explain to her that you want to trust her but until she can be honest with you she only gets the basics. Believe me it gets harder with age and take some moments to just chat with her. See how her days is going, go out to lunch. Kids will says things to their peers just to try and fit in. Like them or not they want to be in with the cool kids. As adults we don't get it but when we were there age we felt the same way. I always tell my boys that being cool is not alls its cracked up to be. Being yourself is the coolest thing you can do. That you want friends who will want to be with you for yourself. Believe me with my boys special needs it is more intense. They do see it and I hope and pray they don't sink under peer pressure. They will still at times try to fit in it is the nature of being a teen. Keep communication open with her and take special time. Only allow her to do things if she gets her things done. Not the other way around. Being a mean parent is the only way to be. They may not like it but they will thank you someday. I am always told I am mean. My response back is, " that is ok, then I am doing my job". I wish you all the best with your daughter, and know you are not alone.