Uncomfortable with Workmates After Mat Leave - How to Manage?

Huh? Asking someone who just had a baby about their baby seems pretty normal. You seem to get "stressed and uncomfortable" quite often at work. I think staying home for a week and talking to hr seem very extreme. You were at fault for not showing up at the office. You may need to learn how to toughen up a bit or find a job with more solitude.

My advice is to take the two days that you work from home and make them regular days. Let's say Monday and Wednesdays you always work from home. That will establish a schedule and everyone will know, hey, it's Wed, A. is at home today.

Then run with it and make it normal. IT will be normal - just give it time.

And if anyone else asks you who is taking care of the baby, just say that it's the same person who cares for her while you work. That's enough.

I'm sorry, but a lot of this is your fault. You are not being transparent with your project manager or your team mates. They have a right to understand that you are working as many hours a week as they are. And you are acting cagey with them and making them feel that you are getting paid to stay at home.

You should have sat down with the project manager in the first place and told him that you have worked out this agreement. You should have made him understand that you would be working hard at home. You should have proactively told him that you had someone at home taking care of the baby, and that it's great because you can really concentrate to get your work done.

When you decided to go to HR to complain without working through this issue, you made yourself a team member who will never get a good review from this project manager. Things will be awkward and uncomfortable for a long time.

Honestly, your idea that your workmates should not ask any questions is shortsighted and unrealistic. You can continue with this attitude, or you can try to make things right and quietly talk with people and tell them what you worked out. You don't have to say anything about immigration. You just say that until your husband gets a job, he is taking care of the baby and you are working. Tell them that this is what is best for your family right now and you are working hard.

You are right - complaining will NOT make this better. But why you think that they should have a clue about how THEY'VE made you feel when you didn't handle this properly in the first place is actually astonishing to me. You seem to only care about yourself. Your team and work mates work hard too and they can't see that you are working. Quite frankly, if your project manager can't tell you're working, eventually your boss won't be able to tell that you're working either. ANYONE who works from home has to SHOW people that flex time is good for the company. It's not about them seeing that it's good for you. If the company doesn't see that you are contributing to the company, at some point you'll either lose the "privilege" of flex time, OR you'll be let go.

You really need to change your way of thinking here and adjust your attitude.

Unfortunately I think you made an unusual arrangement worse by not showing up for a week. Sorry but what were you thinking? Of course that made people annoyed. If I were you, I would go to your boss and apologize for that. Say the baby has been a huge adjustment and you haven't been yourself. I now have some flex time after being with the same boss almost 20 years and I am bending over backwards to keep him posted and make sure he's onboard. You sound super standoffish and no ones going to like that. Going to HR so incredibly fast was a mistake too. I would backtrack and act very grateful for your work arrangent and ease into it all. Of course your boss was surprised your husband is home bc he's thinking why ca t you come in then? Men do when their wives are home. Not really fair but you're too much on the offensive.

I think you are being too sensitive. If you don't feel comfortable talking about who is keeping the baby, just tell them that you'd rather keep your personal life private. They are probably just making conversation with you, not trying to pry details about your life from you.

Regarding your project manager, if the arrangement was that you would be in the office 2-3 days per week, I would assume that EVERY week, you would be in the office at least two days. To stay at home all week and not discuss it with the manager is unprofessional. You aren't working for yourself...you're working within a team. Therefore, they should be made aware of when you will be in the office or out, so that they can also do their jobs. Whether or not the sarcastic comments the project manager made were bad enough to go to HR, you haven't given enough information to determine if that was appropriate. If I were you, I would get a firm schedule in place with your employer as to what days you will be in the office or at least that you will be in the office a certain number of hours a week. I would also start communicating with the project manager about your schedule and when you will be in, because this seems like a slippery slope that could end up with you losing your job.

You just took innocent questions and blew them way out of proportion. People ask about daycare all the time when women come back in offices. Sometimes it is amazement that these women can do what the questioner cannot. Something they are thinking about having a child and want to know the ropes. All different reasons, none of them have anything to do with questioning your choices.

If it is evolved into questioning it because of your attitude. The whole none of their business, private business, embarrassment, that is all you. Who watches your child is not a personal question, that you are treating it as such is what is bringing this down on you. Your coworkers are reacting to your insecurities, since this is all within your control I suggest you take control.

No one was asking you to justify your choices, they were talking to you, you took it as such due to your issues.
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After having a chance to look at your other questions your child was born mid August. That means you either had a four+ month maternity leave or you have been stewing on this for a while. If you had a four month maternity leave that is in no sense of the word a short maternity leave. If you have been stewing on this for several months you need a therapist, not a bunch of women on the internet.

All that you describe sounds non threatening to me. Asking questions such as you described is the usual office conversation. I'm guessing you as well as your husband are from a different culture. I suggest you make friends with someone whose culture is common in your office. If possible, get to know a co-worker well enough you can trust her and talk with her. Or go to human services and ask about cultural differences. Instead of complaining, tell them you are not understanding what is happening.

Know that talking about family at work happens. Doing so is not considered intrusive. No one cares if your husband stays home with the baby. That is common. Child care is of interest to most parents and is a common subject of conversation.

Of course coming back to work is difficult. As you found there new employees and the office is different. I suggest you weren't expecting that and you're feeling left out or something similar. Your reaction seems to withdraw and not trust anyone. This way of thinking makes relationships difficult. I suggest you think they're weird and they think you are. I urge you to find someone with whom you can talk about your concerns and help you understand cultural differences.

If you're not from a culture different than your coworkers consider that you are having mental and emotional difficulties. We know about postpartum depression. You may be feeling this way because of something similar. I would talk with your ob/gyn.

After reading your previous posts I suggest that you would benefit from counseling. In one post you described a self centered mother who was unable to provide the emotional support that all children need. You were upset that your mother wanted you to abort the pregnancy saying babies were stinky etc. and that she changed and wanted to see her all the time. You were upset with her. Most of the answers suggested counseling and in your SWH you said you would get counseling.

Soon you posted saying your husband wanted you to move to Ireland to be near an extended and supportive family and you asked others opinions. In the same post you wanted to move near your mother to make her happy. I question the inconsistency in your posts.

Based on your description of your mother's inability to parent or even to have a supportive relationship with you I suggest that the difficulty you're having at work is the result of your painful childhood. Your difficulty forming relationships at work has you feeling picked on and not accepted. I urge you to get help in overcoming your childhood.

Is your husband that stays home to care for your baby from Ireland? Do you live in Ireland? If so there are probably some cultural differences. Still your coworkers are acting in a similar way to US people. Perhaps their demeanor or way of asking is different.

If you live close to your mom, I suggest that trying to have a helpful relationship with her may have triggered this negative reaction thus fueling your anger and fear.

Something is causing you to be too sensitive to ordinary attempts to be friendly. I wish a happier and more relaxed life for you.

A., i'm sorry to hear you're still stuck in a cycle of anger. it almost sounds as if you've displaced your fury at your mother on your unsuspecting co-workers.
nothing here sounds awful to me. they're inquiring about you because they're probably nice people and care about you. maybe they're nosy snoops too, but that's the world. it's just not a big deal. certainly not enough to get all offended and uncomfortable. they're not 'abashed' because in most people's minds this is just pleasant conversation between people who kind of know each other.
you were supposed to be in the office a few days per week. you didn't come in for a full week without discussing it with your supervisor. he commented on it, and you complained about him. the awkwardness that has ensued was entirely created by you.
of course you don't have to give any information at all. but please don't do it in an eff-off fashion. this is your dealio, not theirs. stay-at-home dads are becoming more and more common, but still unusual enough to elicit a surprised response. and i'll bet that's all it was. you're so very, very over-sensitive to it that a raised eyebrow tracks for you as 'flabbergasted.'
being able to work from home is a privilege, and yeah, some folks at your office may read this as you potentially slacking. so the best response is to bury them in your productivity, not to be butthurt that they would even dare to misjudge you.
your last paragraph says it all. they don't have a clue how you feel, because your responses are a little irrational. complaining WILL make it worse. so don't. you weren't raised to respond rationally and cheerfully to the world, so learning how to do so is an ongoing challenge for you. but if you want a) to be relaxed and happy and b) (and even more important) to teach your child to be relaxed and happy, you have to keep working at it.
i'm not saying this to beat you up. i think you're strong and smart to overcome your mom's miasma and soldier on. please recognize that this is yours to own, not your co-workers' to change.
khairete
S.

I disagree that you are being oversensitive or are overreacting.

I have some experience with workplace changes and with HR (but I am not an HR professional myself, just have worked with them).

While you absolutely DO need to consider, every single day, that hormones certainly may play a role in making you touchy -- do not just let people dismiss your discomfort and worry as "just hormones" here.

What others below are not seeming to notice is that while you were gone two things happened at work that have nothing to do with you or your hormones:

Your office hired five new employees (five at once would be a pretty big change in most offices) AND the project manager suddenly began being much more involved day to day than had been the case previously. The PM's new role indicates that possibly the project manager has been told by his or her boss to do so, and that may mean the PM is in some hot water with HIS own boss -- that is nothing to do with you but the result is an angry and fearful PM who will now lower the boom on everything to make his own position stronger.

You did not do the right thing in two ways:

First, you did not establish, clearly, formally and in writing, your new schedule. That should have been done up front and before you took even an hour of flex time, and your PM, your PM's boss and HR all should have signed off this written change.

Second, you worked at home for a whole week without even clarifying -- not even verbally -- that doing so was approved. Your mistake, and you need to own up to it. While you were doing that it gave the others a lot of time to talk about why you weren't in the office and to wonder about which days you were supposed to come in.

Do you notice that both those things have nothing to do with your child care arrangements or your hormones? Those are workplace issues. You came back into a changed workplace, with new people in the mix who do not know you and probably don't care much about your personal situation unless it affects their own work schedules and workload, and you also came back to a PM who may have some issues of his own with his bosses.

So what do you do now? You prepare, first, and script out what you want to say. You write out your proposed flex schedule. You meet with your direct boss and say that you and he need to formalize the schedule to get it all correct and legal. Don't let him make it just verbal or say "let's just see how it goes week by week." You and he need to set a schedule, period, and you can sell it as "The other employees need to know my schedule too, because we all interact, and it will make their jobs easier and be fairer on them to have a schedule set at least by the month so we all know what to expect." (Does your workplace have a formal work at home policy or was this all just casually OK'd verbally? If the latter - that's bad, and you could be told any moment "You must now work at the office full time, regular hours.")

Be professional when you see the boss. Do NOT mention your child or your care or your husband. Say you are glad to be able to change your schedule and want to be sure you do it right. If you need to, say that you were unclear about the hours when you worked at home that whole week and admit that you should have formalized it before you stayed home.

Do not complain to HR about remarks unless they are at the level of being harassment -- and what you describe isn't. There may come a time when you have to formally challenge harassment (nope, not now) or more likely challenge treatment relating to your schedule. Reserve HR for those things.

As for the questions, I agree with you that if folks are striding up and without preface or other comment, just saying, "What are your child care arrangements?" that is not just friendly interest in how the new mom is doing, as some other posters see it here. I would wager that you now are seen as causing others more work due to your request for a flexible schedule. Be aware of that view of you, and ensure that you are seen to be working above and beyond, and that you want a written schedule so that these coworkers know what to expect.

When people ask about your husband or your baby in ways that seem intrusive, smile a big smile and say, "The baby's doing great" and don't answer specifics. I suspect that some workers don't understand why you need a flexible schedule and work at home if your husband is home full-time with your child. You may get someone asking directly why you need this schedule if you have dad at home all the time. Deflect questions and focus just on work. When you are AT the office you need to spend that time being seen as super efficient and focused anyway so don't let discussions get into the topic of home arrangements; try, "Some issues make it necessary right now. OK, this report here is due next week; today I"m going to complete X and Y sections; when will you have Z ready...." Move the talk always to specific work tasks.

Do NOT get into "I don't think they have a clue about how they made me feel." They will label you the hormonal, emotional new mom who isn't really up to work. Be cool and professional. You returned to a changed workplace and so can't expect coworkers or the PM to be the way they were before. Protect yourself and your new schedule, admit that you were not clear on what to do earlier, and formalize it while emphasizing that "this is so that everyone knows where I am and when, and so I can do my best work."

It sounds like you are hormonal due to how sensitive you are about sharing in anything about your private life. You also should have talked to your manager about expectations of your new hours. Going to HR was very premature.

How do you manage this?
You come back and work within the bounds initially set up.
You work out which days you will be working from home at stick to that routine on a regular basis until it comes to an end and you resume your regular schedule.
If you don't like being asked what the day care arrangements are for your child, you merely say that day care has been arranged and leave it at that.
You don't have to go into any details about it.

My maternity leave was over in 12 weeks and I had to go back to work full time 5 days a week.
It was a wrench being away from my child during the day, but the day care he was in was great - my husband worked full time too and could not be home.
When our son got sick - I was the one who usually stayed home with him (we had a GREAT sick leave policy) unless I had no sick time left and then Hubby stayed home with him.

Everything feels more personal after having a baby.
You're dealing with hormonal shifts for a long time.
So, although I hate to say this is 'just hormones' - sorry - but it is - and you need to quit feeling like your work place is out to get you and work with them.
You might need to apologize for being uncooperative/uncommunicative but you can recover from this - it's going to take some time.
You also need to meet with your project manager and clear the air.
He needs some predictability from you.

You are not justifying your life and choices to your co-workers.
You are just mad at life in general - and at work in particular - because you HAD to go back to work so soon.
You are the sole support system earning money to put a roof over your child s head, food in his belly and clothes on his back.
You and your family NEED this job.
When your husband gets a job, you will have to get day care unless he earns enough for you to be able to stay home.

This is what every working parent has to deal with.
You'll get there but you need to lose the attitude.

You're being weird okay? People ask about the new baby, what sort of care you had to get for it and stuff like that because they're your friends. You are the one being weird and offending them.

They've progressed now. You should have never just stayed at home without clearing that with your boss. He/she has the right to know when you're going to be at work or not be at work...period. Physically or from home. You said a couple of days per week at home not all week. You're lucky you didn't just get fired for not showing up at work even if you were working at home.

If your hubby is at home with the baby there is actually no real reason you can't be at work every single day now. Go to work and do your job. Focus on what you're supposed to be doing.

If hubby is at home and you don't want to answer anymore questions about his status simply say he's retired and enjoying staying home for now. He "might" find some other line of work but right now he's having some down time.

This could be your body and the changes from just having a baby but you need to not be so sensitive. I'd be asking about the baby and what it's doing during the day, how much you must miss being at home and stuff like that. It's what we do.

In this day and age, people are still surprised when they hear dad is home with the kids. I get that question and when I say dad is home, I get surprised reactions. Honestly, if I had arranged to work from home a few days a week and did not come in for a week, my manager would be very upset with me. I think you should have talked to the manager about it before going to HR but I was not there so I don't know the atmosphere of your job.

First, congratulations on your new baby. I fully get your need to balance family and work. I guess I'm confused though, the flex agreement was that you would work in the office 2-3 days a week, right? But you didn't go in for an entire week, the project manager didn't like that, and you complained about him to HR, is that right? Of course your project manager & co-workers would be upset if you didn't follow the agreement. I would think that HR would be upset with you too.

My suggestion is that you follow the agreement EXACTLY as you suggested it & they apparently approved. I wouldn't complain at all, do your work in the office 2-3 days & at home 2-3 days. Do your best work & constantly make it known that you appreciate this opportunity that they have given you. Re-evaluate your situation in a few months & if you are unhappy look for a different job.

I really can't tell if someone was being rude or if you are reading into things. Most people ask those types of questions because they are trying to connect/take an interest in your life. Don't get so easily offended.
I don't understand why you went to HR over what your project manager said. You should have gone over which days you would be home if it hadn't been brought up.

It can be really hard to come back from mat leave. Just try to connect with your new coworkers, relax a little bit and do your job. I know not everyone wants to have personal relationships with coworkers, but maybe if you had some social connections at work, you would feel more comfortable. There is nothing about your situation that you should feel the need to hide. If you really want to keep it private, I guess say that, but then you will be the one making others feel uncomfortable.

I have to say looking back to my first few months of being a new mom I felt very protective over my family and resented any people I saw as prying into my life and had trouble having normal interactions because I was overwhelmed. I think this is pretty normal - it sounds like you really need this job. I would caution you to take a step back and reframe how you are interpreting their actions. In my experience most people really are well-intentioned and are probably just trying to get to know you better. Asking where your child is while at work is an extremely common conversation. Avoiding work because of your feelings will probably get you fired. Most women are not lucky enough to get a flexible schedule like yours.

I think you are being too sensitive. Lots of dads stay at home now a days. Maybe you are the one not comfortable with that? Work sucks, just set a schedule with your manager and try to stop caring what other people say to you. Asking about daycare is not a big deal. They were just trying to start a conversation with you.

I don't understand why you are so uncomfortable about the questions asked by co-workers. You say they are not friends or family maybe they want to be friends and you are putting a wall, why? Many of them are probably parents and are just courious about the baby and how you are doing. They are showing they care about YOU as a PERSON when they ask about the baby.
As far as the situation with the Project Manager, I think he asked a very important question. He wants to know who is caring for the baby so he can determine if you might need time off because baby gets sick at daycare. If a family member is caring for baby then you probably will not need to rush out to take the baby home or to a doctor. No matter what age you child starts with a daycare or school you can expect a lot of illness. The child needs to build up immunities to colds, flus, etc and the first year in daycare can be difficult. You also did not establish a schedule with him. You and he agreed to some days home some days in the office but never clearly stated what days you would be in, so he was unhappy with that. As a manager he should be.
You say he was surprised your husband was taking care of the baby, but you never say what age group he falls into. If he is older he is probably not comfortable with the idea of a dad as a stay at home dad. A lot of men in my age group, while they may love babies and children are not equiped to care for them. Or he may have the idea men ( REAL MEN) go to work and women stay home and take care of the children.
I believe it would help you greatly if you open up to these people a little. You don't have to be close friends and invite them to dinner but you should be open to being work friends.

Seems to me that YOU feel awkward about your situation and that's why it makes you feel uncomfortable to tell people. Asking who's caring for the baby is a natural question - I ask co-workers if infants are in daycare or being watched by family. It's just curiosity.

You had not establishes a schedule with your manager and then stayed home all week? It's no wonder he had some comments to make. He/she had no way of knowing day-to-day whether or not to expect you. Very unprofessional.

I suggest you put your schedule in writing to your manager, with a cc to HR and then you come in and start all over. Just pretend that last week didn't happen. That's the best thing about life - every day is a new opportunity to do things differently.

I went through the immigration process myself with my husband. He stayed home with my children also and this was many years ago. The question of who is home with baby is so generic these days and there are millions of Mr. Mom's out there with or without citizenship. I am not certain why such a question would be so emotional. You would actually do a favor for yourself by not making this a big deal anymore. Do not be embarrassed. you are lucky he is there for your baby. You can actually benefit by having the backing of your co-workers in this process. I'd drop the sensitivity to this issue right now and do your job. These people are not paying your bills. In addition to my own husband, my brother went through the immigration process with his wife (different countries). The United States want to see that people are working particularly if you do have families. As of late there are less jobs available so you would be wise to ignore this and hang in there to prove you are a solid little family.. Feelings are just feelings and although people are insensitive I am sure they are not trying to hurt your feelings at work. It's a job. Now they know you have someone watching the child and you can be a good employee. End of story.

Take a deep breath and realize that people are rude, they ask questions not to pry into your personal life but becuase they are interested in you and your new family. Many new mothers return to work bubbling over with information about what's going on at home.

Another post here is right - your job is never going to stand still while you had your baby. And how wonderful that they are willing to offer you flexible hours and work location - but just staying home for a week becuase you felt uncomfortable with your boss - surely you knew that would not make things more comfortable - no? And as to why he/she was "flabbergasted" that your spouse is home - well sure that's an odd reaction - but people are odd. And perhaps he/she wasn't all that shocked but that's how you perceived it?

Personally, I think you're taking things a little too personally and getting defensive. I remember coming back to work and although most of the people at my office were kind and supportive there were a few people who were not nice at all. That was their problem - not mine. And yes - people asked me all kinds of questions - who is taking care of the baby, are you breastfeeding or using formula? Does she sleep through the night? People I didn't know would ask prying questions and even feel free to touch my pregnany tummy in the elevator.

So - suck it all up. ASsume that your co-workers are simply interested - even if they are being catty or some other variety of un-kind - that's not your problem and it's not helpful to complain unless it's really serious. Complaining to HR about sarcastic remarks after not coming in to the office for a week and working from home kind of relfects to me ethat you tend to be overly sensitive. That's not bad - it's just who you are.

You need to recognize that you are more senstive than most other people and adjust the len through which you evaluate the world. When you're ready to get upset or offended remember that you are easily offended and assume the person intended no harm. 99% of the time that's accurate - they don't intend harm - they're either rude, insensitive or just plan clueless. There is nothing wrong with saying that right now based on your husband's job situation he is best suited to be your baby's caregiver for now - and that's subject to change in the future. Have sample respsonses practiced so you can recite them and not feel emotionally attacked.

As for your boss I suggest you go in his office and say something like "I just want to clear the air - I was a little overwhelmed coming back to work, not getting enough sleep and I was a little over-senstive. I'm sorry - can we start over?" there's not a boss on earth that would argue with you over that.

Good luck mama - and get some sleep. This motherhood thing is difficult - you need all the energy you can get. having been in yoru shoes - going back to work after only 9 weeks - I can relate. Momma were designed to be home with baby for much longer...

You are in a situation that a lot of new moms would envy -- being in a position to work from home a few days a week and having reliable, free in home care for your child. Since your employer was agreeable to this arrangement, you should work on trying to be cooperative and to make it a WIN, WIN situation for both your employer and your family. You need this job (or a similar one since you are the income producer) so don't do anything to get fired - not following a work schedule that you agree to. Start again with HR and get the schedule in writing and then live up to your responsibility. Discuss this schedule with your supervisor so he/she has a clear understanding of the days you will be in the office and the days you will be working from home. When you are home working your assigned hours, you need to be working on your job, not napping or dealing with your baby, because your employer is paying you to work and produce. I think you are being entirely too sensitive (and it may be hormonal) about people's remarks at work - some are trying to make conversation. Other team members may be concerned about whether or not you are going to contribute at your prior level or leave them with more work. (like when you didn't show up for a week.) If you were producing work and communicating at your former level, you won't have anything to justify to anyone.

First, life didn't stop at the office just because you had a baby. Things kept on going. Sounds like the business is growing and they added new employees. That's great! Now YOU have to adjust to the new working conditions. The PM is more involved. Again, you have to make the adjustment.

Second, your flex schedule. Why didn't you and HR meet with the PM and go over your schedule? Also, you should have had set days in the off and out of the office working at home. Just because YOU feel this is a reasonable schedule doesn't mean your employer has to agree with it. However, they did. Now, get it in writing and schedule which days you are going to be in and which you will be out. Work MWF out T/TH. Whatever, make a schedule so the team knows. That is just a professional courtesy.

As for the workmates asking questions, that is just normal questions most people ask when an employee is returning to work. They are trying to establish a relationship with you. You have been out for an extended leave, I would be curious if these are the new people asking these questions. Again, just normal questions people ask when someone comes back to work.

I don't understand why you went to HR. If I were the PM, I would have been upset with you as well. You should have spoken with him directly.

I think what needs to be done are a couple of things. First, get over all of this. Let it go. No one meant anything nasty. They were asking questions.

Second, get a firm schedule in place. Remember, the Company can always come back to you and say that this schedule isn't working for them and they want you back in the office daily. Be ready for that.

You don't have to justify your choices to anyone and I don't think that is what they were after. I think they were just asking questions. As for feeling uncomfortable, that is on you. I personally think you are trying to create a situation that doesn't exist.

Give answers like "my child is cared for during my working hours." and address issues head on "Are you concerned about my child or is there something about my quality of work we need to discuss?"

You should also establish a routine, so that people know when and where to reach you and when you are in the office for meetings and such. You are allowed to be home, but it sounds like the expectation was that you would put in face time every week, and you need to honor that. I think that being more regular about your work days would ease off the questions about your childcare and your work. Avoiding the office is I think not working well for you, and you need to be aware that they can yank that option if they feel you are not being honest or productive or if policy changes. When I was in an office FT, I used to be able to do work in the evenings at home, but then they decided not to allow us to do much via VPN once the company was purchased and that was that. Snow day for the kid? Nope, gotta take PTO or go in. So you need to hash it out with your manager to protect the security of this arrangement. Go into that meeting as a professional and not a petulant worker.

If you are an introvert, you may find normal questions to be prying. I had a boss who didn't like my introverted nature (I would close a door to avoid the Yelling Man who had the office next to me) and it caused conflict because she thought I was hiding. I needed to meet her in the middle. Some people make friends, like real friends, at work. It sounds like you are like me - they are people at work, not really people I hang with on weekends. So be friendly and civil, but you can also be vague. "The baby's taken care of." You might also find some sympathy if you say, "My husband is unemployed because we hit a snag with immigration, but we are working on that." You can also just say, "I'm fine, thanks. So how about that new bug list I saw - is there a meeting to assign who will tackle which ones?"

I think that the biggest thing you need to do is be a professional and rather than wait to be told, you should try to anticipate some of the concerns. My husband is a manager and if he decided to telework all week, he needs to ask for it. So if you didn't ask, then I can see why he was not pleased.

But I think that if they understand your situation better, they will be more understanding. Communication when you work at home is HUGELY important. You may not feel like doing it, but consider calling coworkers vs just email or using any sort of instant message option they offer you to work in real-time with someone. You need to look for those connections. Even if they are all business.

The other thing that came to mind is are you resentful? I resented the heck out of working when my baby was small and my sks' mother wasn't paying CS and I felt like I was putting my baby in daycare to pick up her financial slack. Is there any stress about leaving your baby/your husband out of work that is feeding into how bristly you are about work, in general?

First of all, congrats on the new baby! I think you have some great comments from others here. I just want to add that when we go on maternity leave and have a baby, our world narrows quite a bit during that time. You are probably focused on yourself, your baby and that's it for 12 weeks straight. I know I was. When it is time to go back to work, we have a hard re-entry into the world where all of a sudden everything is not about us and our baby. My guess is that the project you are on is further along, possibly behind or over budget and your PM and co-workers were really counting on you to come back at a certain date and hit the ground running. Now they have to adjust their expectations and possibly figure out another way to get it all done. Both of your sides are completely understandable, but I want to gently offer that this situation is a matter of you adjusting to life back at work and them adjusting their expectations to the remote working situation.

I would do anything possible to make sure that the PM and peers understand that you are excited to be back, working extra hard from home, etc. This will help everyone will complete the adjustment soon. The more you can be a part of what is going on at the office and on this team, the better your performance will be perceived. Good luck!

The next time they ask about anything personal, childcare or otherwise, just say "we have it covered" and change the subject. Don't dwell on it and don't encourage the conversation.
I'm sure you're extra sensitive right now (you just had a baby!) so take a deep breath and focus on your family and your job, not what you think your coworkers are thinking about you.

One of the biggest challenges we can face in life is learning how to deal with varying personalities and recognizing when what we think should happen or how we think something should be handled is very, very different from the way someone else would deal with it.

I've run into that challenge much more in my married life than I have at work. My husband's family is very opinionated. They don't think twice about criticizing each other and giving unsolicited advice. My family is quite the opposite.

I would have to agree with most of the posters that the questions you are describing wouldn't have bothered me at all. I would have interpreted them as my co-workers showing an interest in my life. Having a baby is a HUGE change, and I would have seen this as them showing me support while I learn to navigate this incredible change in my life. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, but it might help you feel a lot better to try and look at this from a different perspective. I don't think your co-workers were trying to be nosy. Rather, they were trying to be supportive. Even if you don't like it (and that's ok), try to remember their intentions were good.

I understand how things became very overwhelming, very quickly. When you feel that way, it's hard to know how to deal with things. It probably would have been best to sit down with your supervisor and talk about your schedule. You were overwhelmed and probably feeling suffocated. That's understandable, but you have to stay in communication with your supervisor.

It sounds like he didn't handle things well either if he made sarcastic remarks to your co-workers - very unprofessional. The best way to respond to that would have been to pull him aside and talk to him. Going to HR was like tattling. Yes he was out of line, but the mature thing to do would have been to speak to him about it directly. If he didn't respond appropriately, then go to HR. But to go to HR without even talking to him about it first will only come back to bite you in the butt.

There's a lot you can learn from this experience. For now, talk to your supervisor and establish a schedule. You might even remind him of how much you are able to accomplish at home where there are no co-workers interrupting you. When you are at work, remind yourself that these types of questions are not meant to be intrusive. Decide ahead of time what your are comfortable sharing and just stick with that. You can do this!!!

Congrats on the new baby. Its hard to come back to work after a baby and being home. Sharing that experience with you in your pregnancy likely made your workmates feel comfortable to ask you these questions you are feeling guarded about. I think that its natural as a new mom to be garded an defensive and to look for other ppl to be judgemental. However, I truly believe that the majority of the time people are just making conversation and looking to make a connection.
The best thing you can do as a new mom is to stop caring so much if other people are judging you, trying to be rude to you, or otherwise making you feel your not doing enough. Only you can have those feeling and empower others to "drag you down" or upset you. Being a mom is super hard and everyone does it differently and thinks whatever they are doing is the best. Well we all do what's best for us. So just answer what you want to and work on becoming more secure emotionally about the choices and changes you have made. I'm sure whatever you are doing is right for your family and I hope you come to feel proud to share that with your peers and fiends and not feel guarded about it.

A lot of people are still not sure what to think about stay at home dads. I don't know that this was something to overreact about. I talk with my coworkers about my kids' daycare, we're a small office and frequently talk about our home lives. If you feel uncomfortable talking about your home life at work, just don't. It's not their business. Just do a good job and work hard. That's really all you can do.

I think it is normal to ask about childcare and especially since you are working from home it is within your employers rights I believe to ensure that working from home is not your child care. Can't speculate on the other stuff but that is my two cents on the one issue