Uncomfortable Family Situation

I'd leave it alone. Anyone who knows you knows not to believe anything that isn't true or will ask you about it and you can clear it up. My husband's family likes to talk and spread lies but I don't care. I know me. I know what really happens in my life and if anyone wants to believe untrue things about my family then so be it. I don't live my life for them. I live it for my kids, my husband and myself.

I think the better thing to do is control the information that YOU share with your aunt. I wouldn't tell someone what they can and cannot do.
Keep it in perspective.
The nickname? Yeah....maybe creepy, but it's not bank account information or your net worth!

she cant hurt you knowing your child's nickname. I would think you would look like the one being childish if you asked her to not share info with her sister. If you don't want a relationship with her don't talk to her. You would be asking her sister to do what she did to you if you asked her that.
If things cant be fixed between your mom and you, is she a horrible person so much that she cant have a relationship with her grandchild? if so ignore her

High road.

i actually typed out an answer to ask Aunt B not to share information...but then I kept reading it.

I have to come down on the side of "out of your control". The worst example you have is that Mom knew a nickname. Not exactly a state secret.

But I also understand the creep factor. Unfortunately, getting creeped out is something you ARE in control of. You know your mom isn't healthy. You have already experienced her interference in other relationships. Her finding out info should be expected at this point.

So I see three options:
1) Tell Aunt B to knock it off - which jeopardizes your relationship w/ Aunt and empowers any claims your mom makes.

2) Stop talking to your mom. Not as punishment, but because she causes you too much stress right now. Not a great solution, but easy to work.

3) Let your mom blow all the hot air she wants, ignore it and go on about your day. I'm pretty sure the third one is the High Road, and I'm also pretty sure this is the one you lose the least amount of sleep with.

I wish you the best! :)

First, by telling auntie and the others "Don't tell mom", *you* are putting them in the middle of your stuff. Sorry.

I am right where you are. My mother has undiagnosed mental illness, refuses to get help, and I've had to make very hard and painful boundaries with her. I've also had to deal with discovering that my step-mom sent birth announcements and information to my maternal grandmother, who has nothing kind to say about me. (She and mom are enmeshed.) I felt a bit helpless, but realize that there's nothing mom can do that unless I let her. I own my life now.

It really helped me to have a counselor to talk to about all this. She offered support, perspective, and also insight into the traits of those who suffer from the same mental illnesses my mother's behavior suggests she suffers from.

For what it's worth, you have to come to a place of peace in your own soul, and this is ALL you can do. Let your actions with family members counter any lies mom is spreading. The lying is really about her: her anger, her helplessness. My mother still claims that I'm a petty little person who isn't speaking to *because she didn't give me Grandma's Christmas present*. For over ten years now? right....

I really feel for you. It does get better, though. If you don't have someone to support you, find a good counselor or a wise friend who can advise. I truly love and miss my mother. I'm very sad for her that she's so stuck, she's ruined her own life. But I won't let her ruin mine, nor my son's.

I can tell you from pure experience.........ignore and just watch what you say around your Aunts. I am in the very same situation with my mother and have been for the last 5 years. I have become estranged with her mother and 1 of my uncles(her brother). I see them all for the holidays and that is it. If it was not for my kids I would literally write them off completely.

The ones who know you and your mother will know the truth and there is no need for you to defend and explain yourself. When I do talk to others that I think will get back to my mother I just watch what and how I say things so only certain information if any will get back to her.

The amount of stress that will lift from you by doing this will be tremendous. It is worth it and believe me the truth ALWAYS comes out in the end!

I have this problem with my mother. We're not estranged, but I am estranged from my little sister. Some of the things I told my mother, I thought in confidence, has come back to bite me in the butt through my sister. So, now I know. Don't tell mom anything you don't want sister to know. And that's how I deal with her.

You should deal with your aunt and other family members like that as well. What you don't want known, don't share with other family members. It kind of puts a wedge between you and the others, but this is the only way I know to keep information from those I don't want to have it.

It doesn't sound like her knowing your child's nickname or anything like that is that creepy. Relatives talk. If you don't want her to find out anything about you or your family, then you will either have to eliminate other's from your life or be careful what you share in the first place. Also, she can't use family to get in the middle of your disagreements, if you aren't having disagreements with her. Just be selective on what you choose to be bothered by and what topics of discussion you will have. A good book to read for crazy family relationships like this is "How to Hug a Porcupine". I know, I have a few difficult relatives as well.

We have someone like this whom we have no contact with and everyone else knows to not give her any information concerning us but this is easy for them because they too don't have anything to do with her. Unfortunately in your situation the only thing I can suggest is be careful what you tell this aunt and whomever else who still has contact with your mom. If you don't want her to know something don't share it with this person. Sad that it has to be this way. BUT if you feel like you have to, I would gently tell this person that you would expect her to respect your wishes that your mom not be told anything that has to do with your little family. But the safe thing to do is just be careful what you tell this person. Good luck! Try not to let the lies bother you. If others choose to believe them instead of getting your side, then that's their problem and they are being very narrow minded if you ask me.

What OneandDone said.

Have you considered limiting your contact and the personal information you share with your mother's close relatives? On one had it sucks to have to assume that they're all "guilty" but on the other hand you can only control what you share and not what anyone else shares. I don't think it's even fair to ask anyone not to share information with your mother. Assume that whichever family member is the little spy won't listen to you anyway and you'll be stuck with hurt feelings when your mother contacts you and drops hints that she knows something she shouldn't.

It's therefore easiest and the most fair if you simply limit what you share in the first place. Share only what you would be comfortable with your mother knowing about. If you find yourself about to say or think, "I hope she doesn't tell my mom" then don't say it.

Personally, if it were creeping me out and I knew how any information was getting back to my mom, I would abstain from communicating with the relatives that leak the info back. If they ask why you're cutting off visits, explain that mom misconstrues everything that gets back to her and you're tired of all her backstabbing. Or just be upfront and honest and TELL the relatives that anything said should be confidential especially where mom is concerned.

I mean really, do you need the stress her BS is putting on you? Probably not. Would it break your heart to break off visits with your aunt or are you mainly stressed that you don't have a relationship with your mom and would prefer otherwise? Talk about neutral things with your aunt so that anything she'd relate to mom wouldn't be of any importance.

Your aunts should know by now what your mother is like. As a result, they should know when she is lying.

This is a tough situation. I think speaking with a therapist would be the route to take. Sometimes people just need an unbiased third party who is good at what they do.

It can't be easy to be estranged from your mom.

Hope everything works out for you.