Here's my issue with my fiance: He's never been a smoker while we're together ever. Awhile back we were having some serious issues so my daughter and I left the state, we had just found out we were pregnant. He told me that while we were gone he started smoking to deal with the stress. I figured no big deal, so long as he doesn't if/when we work things back out. He told me he would stop when we came home. We came home in Sept. after 5.5 months of being gone. I noticed the car smelled like cigarettes once in awhile when I'd use it, which it bothered me greatly especially being pregnant. He knew full well that the smell made(and still makes)me sick as where I was staying I had to deal with smoking. When I spoke up to him about it while pregnant he told me he had no clue what I was talking about. I figured that perhaps one of his friends smoked in the car or something. Now I've noticed he'll make up reasons to go outside, to smoke, obviously as when he comes back in he smells like it. There was also a pack right in the car. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with people who smoke. I however thought I wouldn't have to deal with it. The reason this bothers me so much is the fact that if he's trying to be allusive about this what else is he doing? We've had some serious issues with trust in the past so yes that completely plays into it. Another issue I have with it is they're very expensive where we live, something like 6 dollars/pack. I know I'm acting childish to be bothered by something so simple, but like I said he knows my feelings on the whole deal. I want to talk to him about it but I know how it'll end up, so I won't. How do I just let this go?
I've officially decided to let him have this. If it helps him to be him that's a good thing. I will keep my mind clear to see if there is anything else I need to be focused on at the moment. My thanks to you all for all the advice.
I think you should except him the way he is right now because pregnancy can bring out the worst in some people. especially first time dad's. let him know you can deal with the smoking but you can't with the lying.
M., while I truely understand trust issues being a big deal there are a few things that every relationship will and must overcome. Yes he is being decietful about the smoking. Now let me give you the most likely reason for the deciet. He knows you don't like it, he knows it's bad for him, he knows and understands that it makes you sick, and last but not least he knows it's bad for the bun you carry. No matter how much he wants to quit or make you happy it's not easy at all. This makes him feel weak for not being able to quit and he does not want to fight. So being a normal human being, he lies. He WANTS to work things out with you or he would not lie about something so small in comparison to the bigger issues.Now take this bit of insight into the human mind and ask yourself,would you rather fight or let him have his guilty secret to work out on his own? Just because he lies about one thing does not imply that he will revert to scoundral behavior.You don't have to confront all things big and small you have enough to worry about without taking on his issues. And yes this ONE is his. Pick your battles wisely and keep yourself sane and as stress free as possible so you can have a great pregnancy and work on the great relationship.Oh... sometimes just having one little secret will keep them from wanting to have something more interesting to hide. Maybe this time you could pretend you believe him, you already know he doesn't lie well so if something bigger does come up rest assure you'll know. You are a smart chick. Hope this helps please give me feedback and feel free to argue ant point you wish with me. I'll be here, B.
ok everything else aside. this is the most ridiculous bold facced lie. Does he really think you are stupid and cant tell what you see and smell. If he is ok lying so blatanlty about something so little. then there is a real issue you need to deal with. Its not just enough that second hand smoke is really dangerous for you and baby but the lie is a big deal. I think you need to flat out confront him and probabley seek some relationship counseling to find out what else is going on that he would feel the need to lie to you. if this is a lie what else is there. Good luck and I really hope things work out for your little family.
I'm really sorry. Trust is a big issue in a relationship and when it's lost it's very hard to get back. You really need to express to him how you feel about his smoking even if you think it won't do any good. Pray about it and ask God to help him quit. I smoke and just to let you know I was told it's easier to quit Herion than smoking. All I can suggest is for you to pray about it and please know that I also will be praying for you.
I would confront him and tell him that you want to get counseling and that you want him to go to a doctor to help him quit. After all, he promised that he would and now he is lying to you about it! You also need to tell him that it really bothers you that he lied to you about this.
I don't know what this "stress" is that he is dealing with, or what your "serious issues" are, but it sounds like you guys have a lot more to deal with than smoking cigarettes. Maybe there is a reason that after nine years you still aren't married and maybe you need to face whatever that reason is?
Sometimes things can be fixed and sometimes they can't, only you can decide what is right for you. I just ended a four year relationship with the father of my son, who I was also engaged to, because of his constant lying and deceit among other problems. I hope that you can get some good counseling and work it out better than we did. Good luck!
Second hand smoke is so dangerous, especially to children. I suggest maybe finding some information on the internet about second hand smoke and giving it to him. He owes that not just to you, but surely to his kids!
Dear M.,
I am strongly against cigaretts, they are bad, not just for the people that smoke them, but even more for the people around them. You shouldn't think it is bad for you to be worried about this, you have the right to be concerened about your husband's health. I happend to know a couple, they are very nice people and we have become very good friends. Well, they both smoke, that is until a couple of weeks ago, he had to go to the hospital where he found out he had neumonia and two weeks later was diagnosed with valley fever. Now I'm not saying that because he had been smoking for many years he caught the valley fever, but I'm sure smoking did play an important part in his poor health. He has not smoked a cigarette since, and I really hope he doesn't pick it up again. Anyway, the only advice I can give you is to gather information on the consequences of smoking, especially second hand smoking, your husband needs to realize he has two children and a wife that love and need him. Also get loved ones involved, get a lot of support from them, he needs to see you are assertive, I hope he realizes soon the importance of having a healthy life.
Hi M..
I wasn't going to reply to this because I had seen so many posts of advice, but I felt that I had to after I saw a couple that I totally felt were misleading you.
I have been married twice. The first marriage was because I was so young and got pregnant. That lasted not even 2 years. It was ended because he cheated on me and spent money behind my back and even called in sick to work but told me he was going to work.
My second marriage is a totally different thing. I learned my lessons from the first marriage. TRUST is EVERYTHING!!! It does not matter how little it is. It does not matter why he is doing it. It does not matter what the issue is. The fact that he is going out of his way, which is a conscious choice by the way, to deceive you and lie to you, is not good at all. I truly hope that you know that all men have good points, but you CAN NOT ever allow MISTRUST to enter your relationship. NEVER!
The fact that he feels he can not talk to you about it shows that your relationship is not solid enough for you to be married or have kids together. The example being set to your kids now is just a small example of what it will be when they are old enough to see deceit all by themselves.
I know there are many of us that are making this issue about 2nd hand smoke. That is not always an issue if they smoke outside, but the lying (straight to your face) is definitely a priority that I would address and not turn away from.
As a young person, you might feel like you have to settle for this because you do not want to be alone...especially if you are having another one of his children, but this issue does not just affect you. Your children will grow up with values that they SEE. You want to be a good Mother. If you allow one bad value to enter your home, what will stop the next?
Please think about the posts you've been given. It is not that he has a problem with smoking...it is that he does not value you enough to NOT lie to you. That is serious.
Please don't look the other way and take care! You are a person of worth and your children need to see you strong as well.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
To be frank with you, I think if after nine years and all the ups and downs you have had together and two children if you are still uncertain than your heart is telling you what your brain doesnt want to hear. You dont trust him, he doesnt listen to your feelings and you cant communicate. Doesnt sound like the best start to a marriage. Maybe some counseling first would be a great idea so things start off solid instead of uncertain.
Well for one you don't let it go. I think you should let him know that you know that he is still smoking. I grew up around smokers all my life and i don't smoke and my children have asthma. So you guys need to talk and come to a conclusion. It sounds to me that to me you guys need to come to a comprimse. If you guys are still talking about getting married or if you are still getting married this smoking thing would be good practice for you guys because being married there is alot of comprimse involed in that. I have been married for 8 yrs. (Been seperated for a year and five or six months) and that was one of our problems not talking things out enough as a couple.
M.,
Why should you let it go? He's lying to you and sneaking around behind your back. It might be time for a serious, adult, sit down conversation. It is very, very difficult to stop smoking. Is it that he's having a tough time quitting and he's embarrassed or is there really just more going on than that. It is better to know now than to find out later.
T.
