I have posted my custody issues with regards to the birth father of my son. ALL the problems I am having with him is only more and more evident that this guy truly has an anger/control issue. I do not react to him and I think it is perpetuating his recent behaviour. My son is doing well at the new licensed daycare facility but the birth father, who has a court order to pay his share of it, has been stalling in paying me. The fee is the same as the other one. He requested a receipt and I supplied him with a copy of it. He emailed me stating that "receipts are vague and that he would like a copy of the paperwork I filled out with the daycare provider". I know he is just doing this to upset me. It is not working, it IS irritating though as I am my son's primary care-giver and can assure anyone concerned that I crossed all the T's and dotted the I's. However, I will comply in making a copy of the agreement for him. Yet I will still be waiting for the payment in which I don't care if I get anyways. I would much prefer that this guy just get out of our lives as it is very evident (also) that it is about his needs and not of our son's. Lastly, in the email he sent me, he also addressed a cousin of his whom I have never met but heard about her. I suppose he is getting some assistance with his family??
This was pretty much just a vent for me as I had a long, tiring week at work and have a sick son with a cold but all this guy can do is email me about something that is done and good for his son and not even show any concern for his recent state.
thanks.
I have to say that this forum has been so helpful to me and I thank you all for your replies.
I have taken in a lot of your responses and feel that I am doing the best for my son. It's the legal/court issues and trying to prove any of this to a judge in a de-sensatized environment. I am emotional about my son because of the circumstance that he was brought into this world. However, he is a remarkable little guy and even with him being sick recently, he still manages to laugh and help mommy. I am enjoying my time with him while off from work for the weekend and feel sad that I have to give him to his dad tomorrow especially when he is not feeling well. I am doing the right thing and time will tell.
I do believe that this guy is bipolar and has been for a very long time as he goes from one extreme to the next. I am not replying to any of his emails and if I do it's only regarding our child. I did cc his lawyer that was representing him the response to him stalling in payment. I worded it very business-like and I received a response from him stating that "he wouldn't be surprised if I get a bill from her (the lawyer) for forwarding emails as she is pricey and she collects". He also said that "my business-like dealings with him is transparent especially when I should know better because I use to own a business." None of this bothers me. It just confirms to me what kind of person I have to deal with. BUT that's the key word "deal" with. I do hope he finds a girlfriend but who would date him....ahem...ya I know I did :( I did get a beautiful son from it though. Well wish me and my son luck that everything goes ok for tomorrow. I have monday off from work so I am planning to take very good care of my son. I know he loves it when mommy's around :)
Thanks alot everyone!
I know some people responded with giving him papers to sign away his rights. It's not that easy though...anyway, I'd provide him the information and the phone number/address of the dc and tell him he's welcome to go find out about the dc for himself. I hate people like him that just try and make a hard situation even harder.
N.
i would make a call to your attourney and just give him a fyi that your ex isnt paying what he should. let him know that you provided him with copies of all the paper work hes asked for regarding the day care. he is trying to get at you and your doing the right thing by not letting him get a rise out of you. im glad to hear you got your son away from him. hes with the better parent for sure!
Hi J., If giving him the paperwork filled out for the daycare is in the Court Order, give it to him. Other than that stick strictly to the Court Order, get a calendar and write EVEYTHING down. Payment/non-payment, contact no/contact, visitation/missed visitation, etc. You follow the Court Order, that is what the court says you must do. Unless the court has said he has a right to all the daycare info -legally they cannot give it to him, and if it does, her can get it from them himself. Do go to your local D.A.'s Child Support Services office (or whomever handles child support)and ask them to step in as he as a hard time respecting the court order and is trying to intimidate or bully you into jumping through hoops. They will take care of it and then it will force him to financially care for your son without trying to harass you over it. Then if he brings up anything- you can refer him to C.S.S. and tell him they handle stuff you have nothing to do with it.
Good luck! It took going thru C.S.S. to get my ex to focus on being a father and stop obsessing over controlling me, but it worked.
Dearest J.,
Please don't give this guy your energy. You need your energy to take care of yourself and your son! :)
Have you tried contacting Child Support Services?
http://www.childsup.ca.gov/
All the best to you and I hope your baby feels better.
You're right, it's a control issue. He wants to control all the choices, but leave you to do the work day to day. His request for the paperwork sounds like one of two things - either he doesn't have the money, but is trying to create a paper trail to show he was "involved" anyway, or he's looking for some nitpicky thing to point to and say, "I never agreed to that, I don't have to pay." Control freaks can't stand to let go of money.
Unfortunately, he's also a biological parent, and we have a legal system that gives equal weight and importance to both biological parents. Hang in there, breathe deeply, rant at your friends, and know that you are doing the right things, and you are a good mom! :)
If you really don't care about getting any money kfrom him then why don't you give him an out. Send him paperwork to give up ay and all aprental rights then you would niot have to deal with him anymore...?
J.,
Moms here have given you great advice. Just make sure that you make copies of all the paperwork and receipts, never give him the originals if possible, and yes document everything, date time, place, $ amount if any, and even conversation that you might have had.
J.,I am just sick reading about the challenges with your Ex. You are smart to not react to his controlling requests and keep your child's best interests priority. I too am going through a hideous custody challenge with an angry, controlling, abusive man and am mamma bear to our one year old son! Stay strong, stay in close contact with your attorney, and continue to document everything! I am sorry for your situation, but you seem very empowered! I will keep you in my prayers. How foolish to think I was the only one going through crazy custody battles with a control freak. Reading the advice to your challenges helped me tonigt as well.
HI J., I second Charlotte P. if you can do it on your own financially, see if he'll give up his parental/legal rights, you might be surprised by his answer...good luck.
M.
Tell him, nicely, that the receipts should be enough, since they are sent as a courtesy. If he would like more information, he can contact the day care center directly, as they are custodians of that information. He won't contact them and they most likely will not give out that information anyway. I would reply all as well. Tell him when the day care payments are due and that you expect he will be on time for those payments for his son's sake. If the day acre imposes late charges, he will be responsible for those excess charges.
What visitation rights does he have? Does he not pick up his son from day or drop him off?
If you don't have an attorney, just wait and keep all of the e-mails and his stalling tactics. Build up a huge case and eventually this guy will go away....once he gets another girlfriend. And once he does, then go for full custody with no visitation. Anyone who refuses to pay for their child doesn't deserve to be around them. You don't want him spending time and teaching your son how to treat women.
Ugh, the guy sounds awful. Hang in there. I'd suggest not letting the $$ matter drop-- I'm sure that's what he's hoping you'll do and, more importantly, your little one will need more and more financial support as he gets older. A friend of mine went through this, and eventually the court set things up so that the money automatically comes out of the dad's paycheck.
I'm sorry you had a hard week, and hope that your weekend is better!
S.
J., you said that you are done with him. I would do what the others say about you meeting your court orders but as far your son is concerned, do not stress about it. You really can kiss the money from him good-bye. You need to get in the mindset that you are a single mother and that all of the responsibility is yours and yours only. I do not know how much the DA can help. One friend of mine had the ex-hubby from hell and he never worked so she never got any money from him and that lasted until the child reached 18 years. I have never received my support and my son is now 21. You are that babies mother and nothing can change that. Ignore him like he ignores you and I can bet that he will disappear. If he doesn't then you have the proof from all of the other items that are keeping to say that YOU did follow the court orders. Some men just can't be adults and be responsible. Good luck and God Bless you and your son.
This is not about you. This is not about your son. This is about his behavior and he is the one who has to look at himself in the mirror each day. You are co-parenting with him. You are doing it. You are co-parenting because it is in the best interest of your son to see positive parenting behavior and you are an example to your son.
Don't guess and second guess his actions. That will only deplete your energy. Whether or not he is "doing this to upset me" is not an issue. His motivation is not something for you to evaluate.
Be careful WHEN you read the emails. Skip over them when you are not ready to read them. Or, simply print them out for posterity and get to them when you are in a good state of mind. You do not need to respond to him immediately.
Keep your eye on the ball. With every action, ask yourself, is this in my son's best interest? Are handing over the complete receipts to your ex in your son's best interest? Yep. Getting help from his family? Not your business nor does it in any way affect your son.
I'm saying this to help organize how your look at the situation because this can be so overwhelming!
I hope your son feels better soon because on top of all of this a sick child can be a bummer in itself:(
Best to you!
Jen
