Two Year Old Temper Tantrums

Welcome to the terrible twos :) The other moms have some great ideas on how to deal with the tantrums. Part of the reason for some tantrums is that at that age they do not have the vocabulary or the experience to deal with whatever the trigger is and tantrums, whining, etc. is the only way they know how to cope. Time and patience (if you have any hair left, lol) will improve their behavior.

Your daughter is at a baffled and frustrated age. She is desperate for more control over her life. There are so many things she sees and wants, or wants to try, but she doesn't have access to most of them, and some of the things she gets to try result in frustration because she's still lacking the needed motor skills.

1. I hope you will hold in mind that she is not "trying" to be naughty; she's trying to meet some need, and has a very poor repertoire of strategies with which to try. Children truly don't want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances. Adults have so much more practice in meeting our own needs in more civilized ways. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and for a couple more years, she just won't see very much from your point of view. She can't help it. Dawdling, digging in heels, bolting, ignoring, and even tantrums are often a natural outcome of being more scheduled, pressured or frustrated than she can endure. And some children, by nature, have a MUCH harder time of it than others.

2. There are methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration she will experience during the next couple of years. While some steps require a bit of planning or extra patience from you, overall, you'll spend LESS time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.

3. When she wants something, empathize in her language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&featur.... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate.

4. There are lots of positive ways to approach discipline (which actually means teaching, and not punishment), rather than just saying no. Kids hear NO! far too often, and they get frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous. Instead of "Put that remote down!" for example, try "Here, play with this (dead) cell phone!" There will also be times when you must have cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or distraction that she gets to play with only at those times.

5. Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. Children learn primarily through play and imitation. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. (Also be aware that some "behaviors" like throwing are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" activities/games for those repeating behaviors.)

6. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to switch activities, especially whens he's grooving on her current play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a final alert a minute before making the change.)

7. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

8. Learn her limits. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, overstimulated, hungry, or sick. She won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

9. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. Keep temptation out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take some fascinating object away, or a healthy treat when she wants an unacceptable snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

10. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

11. Encourage lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. Pent-up energy has to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.

12. Limit TV time – the passive receptivity to all that fast editing seriously interferes with children's normal brainwave patterns, making focus, cooperative behavior, and engagement in the "real" world more difficult.

13. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers, and the areas of the brain where those connections are being made develop only gradually during the toddler years.

14. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Children may be annoyed, scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding discomfort is NOT the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and modeling what you DO want will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

15. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your child, and make sure she knows. Treat her with calm and respectful authority. Children crave attention and approval, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them.

16. Be open to learning new things about your little girl daily, even hourly. Avoid labeling and pigeonholing her or her behaviors. Often, what we think or assume gets in the way of noticing what is actually happening.

I wish you well. Enjoy your toddler – this is a challenging AND rewarding age!

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Nip it now, momma, you'll have a much happier daughter when you do. She is WAY old enough. We nipped tantrums in all 3 of ours by 18 months. Kids totally possess the ability to control this at 2, it's just a matter of parents being willing to be firm enough. The ironic thing is, a little firmness will spare you TONS of sadness, whining and tantrums, so it's actually not meaner to lay down the law and give real consequences (not time outs) to the aggressive and wrong behaviors you are listing. This behavior can stop at a calm warning and be replaced by good behavior once you have disciplined it effectively. Check out the reviews on Amazon to see if you agree with it's style. It's the only book I found that teaches how to stop tantrums rather than just accept them.

1) it is her age
2) they cannot fully communicate articulately nor accurately at this age. It is taught.
3) kids this age, do not yet have fully developed emotions.
4) kids this age, do not have, full awareness of their feelings or emotions. It is taught.
5) kids this age, do not have "coping-skills". It is taught.
6) kids this age, do not yet have, fully developed "impulse-control" yet either.
7) kids this age, do not yet have, articulate understanding of social situations or needs.
8) kids this age, get like this when tired or over-tired or hungry.

From 2 years old, I taught my kids the 'names' for feelings and emotions. And that they CAN tell me, safely.
That even grown-ups, have good moods or bad moods. Its okay... BUT to say it, nicely.
Kids this age do not even know how to express 'frustration' in a grown-up way. It is taught.
PER age of the child.
PER keeping, parental 'expectations' of the child, age-appropriate.

KNOW your child's cues.

Kids this age, don't even know how, to perfectly 'say' what they want/need or are confused or frustrated about.

AND, their 'deductive reasoning' and 'logic' is NOT even fully developed yet either, at this age.

Your Husband, needs to know this.
There is a difference between 'discipline' and teaching a child things in order to give them "skills" in how to manage... their developmental phases.

A lot of good comments here. I don't think it is a discipline issue, and I think showing and telling her that you understand what she is feeling (maybe be more specific, I see that you are angry because your milk spilled) will really help. She will get over it, it is a phase like just about everything else with kids. One thing I do when my son won't be calmed is that I do what I can for him, and then I just walk away. Sometimes that helps bring him to me to then be comforted, and if it is an attention thing (doesn't sound like it in your case, but who knows), shows them that you don't like it.

This is the age for tantrums so you can just let them go.
Some say getting the sign language videos helps.
A big lab dog could be comfort if you don't have a pet.

There are a couple of different possibilities here. Firstly, bear in mind that at her age she understands WAAAYYY more than she's able to express verbally and the tantrums might be out of sheer frustration at being unable to make you understand what she wants you to. Does she calm down if you just put your arms around her and hold her quietly or does she thrash around trying to get away from you? If she settles when you hold her, do that. Sometimes these extreme feelings actually frighten them cos they don't know how to deal with them! However, if holding her makes her more upset, leave her in a safe place until she calms down (a Pack 'n Play or similar might be useful to prevent her from hurting herself or breaking something). Once the tantrum is over, hug her, tell her you love her and give her some attention. The "trick" is to NOT give her attention when she's "throwing a tantrum" but to give her the attention when she is calm. My son only threw a tantrum once - in a department store! He threw himself on the ground and was screaming and pounding his arms and legs. My husband and I gave each other a look and kept on walking without paying any attention to our kid's "performance" (obviously we were walking very slowly and stayed in the same aisle as him) as soon as he noticed that we were not paying any attention to him, he stopped crying, got up and ran to us. We just carried on as if nothing had happened and it never happened again! Maybe we were just lucky, but maybe not "rewarding" a behaviour we don't want by giving it too much attention, actually worked! Best of luck to you!

Don't make the mistake of assuming that "discipline" is the same thing as "punishment." Punishment is used when someone has done something wrong. Discipline is learning how to control your behavior and emotions in order to receive a desired outcome. This IS a discipline issue, not a punishment one.

You cannot always make her feel better. That's an impossible goal. You need to help her learn how to control her OWN behavior. Knowing how to do that will help her feel better.

Kids that age truly don't understand what they're feeling, how to explain it, or what to do about it. Asking her how she feels or suggesting what she might need or want will backfire. The more melted down she is, the more she will need clear, short, immediate instructions. If she jumps up and down, whines, complains or in general starts ramping up to a meltdown, say, "You have to go into your room until you can speak to me politely." If she doesn't go, gently and silently pick her up and take her there. If she comes out wailing, calmly repeat, "You need to stay in your room until you can speak politely." Carry her back, if needed, no matter how many times she does it. Eventually, she will calm down enough to either communicate clearly or forget whatever was bothering her.

Make sure you handle her the same way every time. If you let it slide once, and give her an audience for her tantrum, any progress will be reversed and her behavior will get worse.

When she calms down, don't heap praise on her, but do give her a calm, "Thank you. Now, what do you need?"

Hang in there! This too eventually passes!

My 2yr old son had severe tantrums. He acted out in ways that blew my mind. Some of the tantrums would come out of no where. Time outs would not work for him b/c he wouldn't sit there. Now he wouldn't bite, but he would hit me. Raising my voice never worked, just escalated situation, plus I hate feeling like I'm yelling all day. Now at three he is the happiest, most well behaved little boy! The main thing I did was teach him what time out is and how it works. Telling him to sit in time out wouldn't work. When he would get mad and begin his tantrum I would tell him twice he needed to calm down or he would sit in time out. Knowing he wasn't going to calm down I prepared myself for time out. I told him it was now time to sit in time out and he had to sit in my lap in the "time out" spot. He would kick, scream, try to wiggle out of my arms. I would calmly tell him when you finish kicking and screaming you can get out of time out. I wouldn't say anything more than that. I would sit and hold him till he calmed down and then he got to get up. He could not leave the time out spot till he was 100% calm. No whining, no whimpering, no crying. The first time I did this we were in time out for 45min, yes it's tough, but it worked. The next day he went into time out in my lap and it took another 45min. After that 2nd day the time frames started to decrease. We had time out any where from 1-4 times a day for about 2wks. I was trying to gain control again. Then all of a sudden it clicked! After the 2wk mark, I would ask if he wanted time out he would stop crying and answer no and move on to something else. Then we entered into a phase where he didn't think he had to eat dinner any more. One day I asked if he wanted to eat dinner or sit in time out. He chose time out. I let him sit in time out for 3min. then asked him to come back to dinner table to eat his dinner. He immediately started giggling and playing his game of not doing what I ask. At that point I changed my question and asked if he wanted to sit in my lap and eat dinner or in his chair. He goofed off so I made him sit in my lap. Once again, we sat there for 45min while he kicked and screamed. I told him he could not get up unitl he had 2 bites of his dinner (him not eating was a behavior issue not a health concern). After 45min he gave in and ate his entire dinner and I didnt have to yel! We did this for two more nights...now my child is the first one to the dinner table and the first one finished with dinner. I don't feel like everything is a power struggle anymore. It's refreshing. Discipline is tough and something different works for every kid. My oldest is easy, all I have to do is raise my voice and get a stern tone and he whips into shape immediately (he's 4.5yrs old). My 3yr old is so different. He could careless what you say, how you say, and how many times you say it. He thinks he's in control and EVERYTHING is a power struggle for him. The long time outs in my lap worked for him when nothing else was working and I felt like I was losing control of my 3yr old. When he was two his tantrums were horrible and I just didn't know what to do at that time.
Good luck and I always stand your ground!

At that point and at her age you cannot reason with her in the moment.

You could try getting down on her level, eye to eye, and give her a big hug and comfort her. Even if she tries to push you away, just keep holding her until she calms down. Trying singing a song to her or suggest going for a walk.

I have also found when i get down on our 2.5 year old's level, make eye contact with her and ask her to take deep breaths, (while i do the same), often diffuses the situation.

Another suggestion, is tag team, if she throws a tantrum with you, ask your husband, or another adult in the house, to come in to the room. you leave, while they try to talk to her and ask what happened or distract her.