Twin Boys in Kindergarten-one Excelling One Not--should I Hold One Back a Year?

I don't have twins, but I wonder what would happen to the self-esteem of the one held back. My children are 15 and 11 and one excels and the other doesn't and it is always a challenge of how to work with the two of them, without making one or the other, feel bad or different.

Again, I don't have twins and I hope someone that has dealt with this responds to you.

I think it definitely depends on their personalities. Is the struggling one pretty easy going? Do the kids compete a lot in school now? or not so much?

My only bit of anecdotal 'evidence' is with my nieces. They were not twins, but 2 years apart in age, and the oldest was held back to the same grade as the youngest, and she did Awesome! Her mom never regreted it, and both girls are doing very well. I have also heard of people (generally older - like my age) that were held back as children, and felt like they were dumb, and wish their parents hadn't done that. Good luck.

This is a huge decision, but you want to get it right, for both boys' educational futures. I would suggest a professional assessment of the slower learner. Start with his teacher, and ask her to be frank (as opposed to politically correct -- oftentimes teachers won't be blunt because so many parents think that little Johnny's perfect, and they bark at the teacher & principal at the slightest suggestion that he's not perfect). (Teachers also have this way of using 32 words to say "Johnny's not doing well.") Ask her if he's the slowest kid in the class, and what's her opinion. Then, go get the professional assessment. Good luck!

A good friend of mine had the same issue with her fraternal twin boys. She and her husband made the difficult decision to hold one back in K. The boys are now in 5th and 4th grade and doing great! I agree that a professional assessment is something that needs to be done. It might turn out that some professional tutoring will help or it might be that your son will benefit greatly from another year of K. Good luck!

My husband is a twin and he was held back and his sister was not. Now I don't know if it made a difference because he has a sister not a brother but I think it was really good for them. In many different ways. My husband needed to be held back because he too was not excelling like his sister, but then they both had their own identities. Never once have I heard him complain about it. Good luck with your decision.

I am a kindergarten teacher- are they a summer birthday? boys born in the months that approach the cut off date are more likely to sometimes benefit from more time to develop. If not- I bet that your less enthusiastic student will catch up- perhaps the other will always have academics come easier. First grade is a long time away- much growth can still happen. Plan for every option and re-address the issue in April...you will probably need to address the academics differently with your other son. As he matures he may have a very different learning style than his twin. Your one son may be an auditory learner- our school systems often are "designed" to best fit the needs of auditory and visual learners. Get him sand to trace his letters in, allow him to write really big and do large motor movement with his arms and hands as he develops the skills and interest in writing. Have him count things he loves (cars, crackers). Engage him and he will learn :-)

Wow, this is a tough one. I guess it really depends on their individual personalities. If the struggling one would get jealous or sad because his twin gets to move on or may resent him later, then holding him back may not be the answer. I firmly believe that at this age, you can't always tell how a child is going to do in the future. Sometimes it just takes a little getting used to. Did they go to preschool? If not, he may just not be used to the whole classroom setting yet and what is expected. I have twin boys, although not quite that old yet, and at this point, I wouldn't dream of separating them in school. However, they are identical, and it would be extremely obvious to them and to others that one was held back. That may not be the case with your twins. Anyway... a lot of other posters mentioned tutoring or helping him out on your own to try and catch him up. In my opinion, it would be better to try and keep them in the same grade with the same aged kids. But I haven't actually reached that point with my twins. In short, you just have to take into consideration their own separate personalities. If you feel the one that's struggling really wouldn't care of be negatively affected by being held back, then maybe that's the right situation for him. If it might cause problems between the boys, then maybe another route is better. Maybe even putting them in different classes but in the same grade, or having one visit a tutor or get extra help to stay up to par in the same grade. I don't know. I think you'll figure out what's best by the end of the year. Also, as another poster said, don't wait until the end of the year to get him some extra help through the school if it's available. If he gets it now and catches up quickly, the decision at the end of the year will be much easier. Good luck!

Hello K.! I don't have twins but I did have a struggling first grade daughter. We moved to CO from CA and she was REALLY behind in everything. I thought CA had higher standards but obviously not. She was in the middle of first grade but her level in every subject was that of a beginning Kindergarten student. Since I started her in Kindergarten when she was 6, she was already 7 in first grade so holding her back would have meant she would have been 8 in first grade the following year. I thought that it would be too hard psychologically to hold her back and the teacher said it might not even be an option because of her age. It was exactly this time of the year that the problem was recognized (since this is when we moved here last year). Her teacher made every resource available to her. She was taken out of class daily for one on one tutoring and she also went to summer school. She is in second grade now and it's just crazy to see how far she has come. She no longer needs one on one time and is above average in most subjects. The point is, don't wait until the end of the year to make a big deal about this. Push NOW for every resource that the school has to offer your son. Just have good communication with the teacher and the school because they may not think that it's a problem and it really might not be. It does also depend on the school though. I told my daughter's previous teachers that I thought there was an issue and everyone told me no, that it would all come together. Well, they were very wrong and it took this school in CO to recognize that she DID need help. Consider that when approaching teachers because in the end, you do know your child best.

Some kids are great at school and come kids are great at soccer. Some kids are artsy and some kids can ride a bike at 3. As you know, you have two completely separate boys and this might just be one of those things that they differ in. You might just have to study more with the one. Definitely see where the teacher thinks he stands and tell the teacher your concerns so that you can either be reassured that it's not a big deal or get him some extra one on one time if it is. I would avoid holding him back because you know it will most likely be an issue between the two of them. You have to think also that he's going to have to learn the same stuff anyhow at some point. Yes, a year longer could make it easier to learn the information, but hard word this last half of the school year could avoid years of issues about being held back. Good luck, we'll be thinking of you, and keep us all updated!!

I would ask the teacher! Also the school may provide some other insights as well. Maybe don't compare them. kids learn at different paces.

K., I don't have twins so I don't know all the dynamics but I will say this: each child is an individual. I would think you must treat them as such. No fair to the advanced one to hold him back with his brother. Let him fly! I was forced to not participate in activities because my brother (18 months younger) couldn't attend or was not smart enough to be in the same group. I really resented it. Don't set up a situation where the more advanced will resent his brother. Good luck!

I think you need to meet with the teacher and see if your son that is struggling is off the mark heading into first grade. If so, then it may need to be he is held back.
Or possibly more schooling/assistance throughout the summer to help him catch up.
It has to be hard to feel like he is being compared (NO I KNOW YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS) but he will be feeling that in this instance.
Find out what he isn't getting work with him at home one on one, see if he can take something extra if need be to maybe help him catch up.
I personally wouldn't hold him back unless it will cause him hardship in first grade. I wouldn't either keep him inline with his brother just so to save issues emotionally as him struggling now will just get worse if that hurdle isn't gotten over. It would seem it would be easier to seperate them now then later when peer issues kick up a notch or more! :)
Talk with the teacher, advisors and see what they think and see if extra assistance will help your son catch up.

I'd check out www.interactivemetronome.com It did wonders for our son. You can see if there is a provider in your area. I'm not familiar with where you are in Utah, but if you're interested in going to Denver, my mom is a provider and has great success with kids like your struggling son. She'd be interested in talking to you in you want her information.

I'm a big believer in keeping the kids successful at school work. If they need to be held back then, do it. Your son may not be able to handle school right now. He'll be more mature next year. This way, too, they can each make their own friends. Not having everything the same for them will be a plus when they get older. Of course, if they are inseperable then, I would have second thoughts. Good luck!!!

Don't do it, The one will catch up.
T.

Fratenal twins are no more alike than non-twin siblings, except for in age. They look different, have different interests, have different strengths, and develop at different paces. I'd bet that, since one child was 3 months slower at crawling, walking, talking, that he's probably about 3 months behind on readiness for reading and all. I wouldn't necessarily hold him back. As they get older a 3 month difference won't mean a whole lot (although it still does now).

It's still only about midway through the school year. As a former kindergarten teacher, I know that at this age their "aha moment" can come at very different times in the year. Some get it in September or October, some after the Christmas break, and some not until spring. There are a few who don't hit it until summer. And it really doesn't have a lot to do with age. So I would say patiently work with both kids and let them help each other. Help your son who doesn't seem to be up with his brother on school things to find what he is strong at. He may be already feeling inferior because his brother is doing all these things he isn't. But he's great at some things too, right? And it doesn't really matter if its a school activity, or if he can tell great stories (which is an indicator of creativity and intelligence anyway) or he can throw a ball better, run faster, or ride his bike better. Help him see what he's good at and praise him for every effort he makes. Do the same with his brother.
I wouldn't hold him back based on what you said. But you still have four full months in kindergarten to see how things go, too.

Hi K.~

I have twin fraternal boys who are 6 and in kindergarten. They are in separate classes in school which has been really good for them. However, I would never hold one back! I think that would have lasting psychological issues for the one you hold back i.e. never feeling good enough, explaining for the rest of his life why his brother is a grade ahead of him, etc. I would say get him through kindergarten and tutor him over the summer to catch up. Consult his teachers and have him evaluated before you hold him back. I would use that as a last resort. Good Luck.

No I don't think that one should be held back. It would really affect both being they are twins but one is a grade lower. Kids may call the one that is behind "stupid" and he would be older than all of the kids in his grade while the other has freinds his own age. It would be hard to explain that his twin brother is in a higher grade or visa versa. You may just have to work alot harder with the one that is behind but if he is held back I think that it would be more of a struggle for both of them than it would be to have different grades. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

I think you should check with the teacher - is the one you describe as "struggling" actually behind in skills, or is the other one actually ahead of what you might expect? If on is actually struggling, holding a child back is not your only or even your best option. Ask the teacher if he or she has concerns about your son's progress in any areas. Would the teacher say your son needs more support or help than other children in the class, not just his twin? Maybe you should stop comparing them and just see how he is doing as a kindergartener, and if he is really having difficulties, then you need to ask the school to evaluate him for learning problems. That could be a more effective approach.

we have 2 girls 2 months apart (adopted) and one is slower at reading and coloring, ect! when we first got them a year apart, one was about a years diffrence in her skills! but with time and understanding of her abilities, we have them both up at the same level of learning now! i took extra time in helping playing games like scrabble Jr. and teaching her that it is fun to learn, singing ABC's when washing hands! little things that you do will help! Ask the teacher to tell you Bluntly how to help her get the most out of learning. keep both boys on the same time frame, getting up, brushing teeth, bed time, play time, and after school one hour of school work, or reading to them! i have the girls color and write letters to grandparents after school! it helps the girls and the grandparents love to hang there art work on the walls/fridge! i think it just takes a little more time, but they are worth it! and if your boys are only about 3 months apart in learning you have time in the summer to get him up were the other kids are learning! all my children have been totally diffrent in the way they learn, just find that "nitch" and ask the school for more help too!

proud mother of 8 still at home and married to the greatest husband!

I would say try to avoid holding one back over the other, this will cause problems later. I would reccommend that you stay in close communication with their teacher. See if the teacher can offer tutoring before or after school, or even on the weekend (some teachers pay is based on ensuring their kids are successful so they might be motivated financially) or see if they think summer school would help at all OR consider sending them to a professional tutor such as Sylvan here in Colorado (http://tutoring.sylvanlearning.com), I know they will help ensure uour children are at the same level (with perfrmance guarantees). Good Luck!!!

Hard decision. I don't have twins but have a boy. I'd treat them like the individuals they are and get them assessed by a teacher who will be totally honest with you. I don't even know if it's possible but starting them in different school would negate the seeing the older brother in the next class and the explanations. Although school run to two diff schools sounds a nightmare to me.... You're already saying how different they are a little educational input might sway you. If the one who doesn't like school goes turning him back onto love school could be very difficult. Boys are having a hard enough time as is in schools.

Good luck not an easy decision.

Are the twins currently in the same classroom or separated? I have seen research that when twins are separated one excels and the other is left behind to some degree. If I were a mom in your situation, I would try to keep them together as much as possible and request the same classroom if possible and then I would check into some specialized tutoring or therapy to help him catch up and stay on top. I have a daughter with special needs also and have found the Math Monkey as excellent tutors as well as clearing some of her emotional issues with something called the Journey for Kids CD that I play at nights for her as she's going to sleep. I have also held my daughter back and see some benefits but she probably would have been better off to push through. She is now in 2nd grade and just barely reading but her needs are much more extensive. Good luck.

M.