Twelve Year Old Relationships

She's 12! Dating at 12 is not the same thing as dating at 16 or 18. My 9 year old thinks he had a girlfriend when he was in preschool!

She went rollerskating with friends. It was a group outing. She's at an age where these group events are going to include boys. It's just part of growing up.

Right now dating means they may have skated together or sat together or taken a selfie together. It means he showed her some attention and she and her friends giggled about it together. They might even text each other. It's innocent.

She has too much free time on her hands.
Sign her up for activities/sports and classes and run her ragged.
She doesn't get her phone back for a long while and you need to monitor her use of it better.

Yep, you went too far. Kids this age have boyfriends and girlfriends but not in the same context as an older teen or adult dating.

The fact that you mentioned another friend stings. You see, now she believes you don't like that friend, therefore she will shut down around you which is the last thing you want at this age.

It's tough parenting through this age but you can do it. Talk to her, keep your communication wife open and do more listening than talking. Don't judge.

She's figuring out relationships. She needs ti know you have her back and will always be there for her.

It's ok to let her you if you feeling you went too far. No parent is perfect and when you admit your mistakes to her, she'll feel better about talking to you.

Best wishes.

T.,

You are WAY behind the power curve here.

Did you ask HER what "dating" meant? You went psycho on your daughter without setting the ground rules in the beginning.

You messed up here. You didn't parent your child. You didn't tell her the rules or give her boundaries. You have allowed her to have a phone and you haven't monitored it? BIG TIME BAD!!! You don't do that. That phone is YOURS. YOU are paying for it and loaning it to her. YOU are ultimately responsible for her and her actions. You NEVER made that clear to her.

You need to apologize for over reacting. You need to meet this boy as well. There was NOTHING wrong with him putting his arm around her. That's NORMAL. If he was grabbing her boob or something like that.

You need to set rules and boundaries. You need to PARENT your child. Where is her dad in all of this? What is THIS thoughts on her "dating"?

If you haven't met this friend and spent time with this friend? To tell her that her friend is NOT a good influence on her is akin to a slap in the face. You are telling her you don't trust her judgement. How much time have you spent with this friend? What do you know about her? Don't make judgement calls about people you don't know.

From this point forward? You need to sit down with your daughter and tell her your expectations. You need to tell her YOUR RULES. You are her PARENT NOT HER FRIEND. That will come AFTER she's an adult. During these pre-teen and teen years? You need to PARENT her. GUIDE HER. Not be her friend.

Talk WITH her. NOT TO HER. There's a HUGE difference between with and to. You need to listen to her, she's part of this as well.

Good luck! You're gonna need it!

Why weren't you on top of her electronic/social media/phone use in the first place? Young children and young teens should have NO expectation of privacy on their electronics. Parents should be monitoring, and kids should know and expect that this will be occurring.

While liking a boy and wanting to be in social settings with her friends and this boy are all normal and developmentally appropriate, it seems you need to start talking to your daughter more about the things to come. It's all innocent now, just a hug. But does she know what to do when a boy tries to touch her in other places? Will she know how to stop when a boy she really likes wants to kiss her and then wants to take it further? Can she say the words and not just freeze? You have to prepare her because without knowledge, kids, even really great kids, find themselves in situations where they're just in over their heads. And they don't know what to do or how to get themselves out of it.

Again, this hug was very innocent, but do you want your daughter texting photos of herself hugging boys at this age? Even though this was an innocent photo, does she realize that once she texts something, it's out of her hands and can be sent anywhere to anyone? That one of her friends could put it on their social media? If this happens, the message is now out of your daughter's hands, and pictures on social media can take on a life of their own and turn into something that was not originally intended. I'm not saying hugging a friend is wrong, but it seems like she (and many other teens and tweens who do the same thing) put photos like this out there because they want validation from others. With your daughter, maybe this "message," is, perhaps, that she is popular, that she's with a certain group, or just to let others to know that this is "her" guy.

You're not her friend. You're her parent, and you have to make that distinction and do the parenting you need to do. Yes, she will cry. Get ready for it. Tween and teen girls cry. They cry when they're hurt, when they're angry, and sometimes just because. She will get mad at you at times. You cannot let her anger or tears prevent you from doing what you need to do as a parent.

Talk to her. Make sure she has the facts and understands how her body works. Make sure she knows what your expectations are as far as real dating for when that time comes (what they're doing now isn't really dating; it's a completely normal part of tween development when they meet in groups in social settings like skating rinks). Make sure she understands what your expectations are as far as physical contact with boys. Teach her boundaries regarding her body. These talks need to be open and ongoing dialogues. It's not a one-time thing, but rather, a continuing part of the growth of your mother-daughter relationship. As she grows and matures, make sure she knows what your expectations are regarding sexual activity. Empower her to protect herself and her body.

Wanting to meet up with her friends (including this boy), at the skating rink, is a normal part of her development Tell her you realize that, but at the same time talk about your expectations for her behavior in those settings. Acknowledge her feelings, even if you don't understand or agree with them, and let her know there is nothing that she can't tell or ask you.

As for this boy, you can't really "break them up" because they're not truly a couple. They are young, preteens who like each other. In a few months, this could all change, and he may like another girl, or she may like a different boy. Just make sure that you are there for her as the strong support she needs as she goes through these new and often challenging experiences of the tween/teen years.

Since he doesn't work, has little money and doesn't have a car or license it really isn't much of a date is it?

If I were you, I would apologize for overreacting and start spending a lot more quality time with your daughter. You want your daughter to be able to share this type of thing with you. She will continue to keep you in the dark if you don't open the lines of communication.

Going to a skating night with a group at a public venue, and a picture of her hugging and an arm around her. Seems very age appropriate to me. I understand the panic and quick reaction, believe me. But I think you went too far by talking to her friend. I would not make her "break up" but just give her age appropriate boundaries with boys such as seeing boys with groups, in public, and/or under supervision. Wouldn't hurt to review appropriate and inappropriate cell phone use too. And apologize to her friend for labeling her a bad influence. You're just trying to protect your daughter, and someday when these girls have children they will understand.

I have a 14 year old with a girlfriend (a lovely, smart, polite girl) and he's not allowed to date either. I met the mom and we talked about the situation, discovering that we're on the same page with this stuff.

"Dating" at a too young age is basically never seeing each other except at schools, supervised group settings, or sometimes with each other's family. They talk online while playing Minecraft together. They don't actually have dates.

They are both too young to work or drive, so it's not like they can just do what they want under their own steam anyway. Both my son and her daughter are good with these rules. Everyone is safe and happy. No one is lying or sneaking around.

I think you should meet the boy's parents and set some rules. Pre/teens are emotional and you want to have a handle on this without turning it into a forbidden love story. That said, I totally understand your initial reaction and feelings about this discovery. That's normal too, but you need to swallow it and not let it lead your decision making.

Um, first, she is eleven. She is not 'dating' anyone.
Force them to break up? It will happen on its own. The stories of people meeting and falling in love in the 6th grade and marrying are few and far between.

Listen, T., while I question the veracity of this because most mothers of a child (!) this age would cringe at the use of words like 'dating' and 'first love', if it's real, I would encourage you to look within. Is it reasonable to even speak this way with an eleven year old? No. Is it reasonable to talk of 'dating' and boyfriends in this present tense (as opposed to something she might enjoy in the future)? No. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend or date until I was 16, period. We will have the same rules for our son when he gets older. He might be mad at us, but it can be group outings with friends until 16. This is how you help them navigate puberty and adolescence and the teen years without them getting pregnant. You teach them to value other things first before romantic love. You teach them to focus on their own interests and education and to know that those romantic relationships are for later years. Is 'dating' something they want to play at at that age? Perhaps. But what's the goal? What's the endgame? Can you see that indulging this will only cause more damage?

Be the mom. It's okay if your daughter hates you. Shut the nonsense down, and you can do that with some degree of sensitivity. If she hates you? Hey, you are her mom, not her friend, and yeah, real parenting means that sometimes our kids are furious with us. But letting her pretend to 'date' only means undetermined, unstable boundaries on your part. She's 11. 11. Get a grip, be her mother, and accept that sometimes, the job of bringing our kids back to reality sucks, big time. (I know, I've had to deliver some disappointment to our son just this morning. Do I revel in it? No. Will he learn from it? Hopefully.) Your daughter already has 'friends'... she needs her mom to set her straight. Be the mom.

At the age of 12 "dating" means talking on the phone (or texting), maybe going to a dance, hanging out together in a group of friends. It is generally pretty innocent stuff and totally age appropriate. Kids need to "practice" having relationships. At this age "relationships" tend to be quite short, a week or a month...

They aren't dating. They like each other. There's a big difference. You're using the "dating" word inappropriately for a 12 year old.

You should have been in the know about her cell phone all along. She is a child. It's your job to know what is on her phone. Because you fell down on the job and found out that she was paying attention to a boy, you blasted her.

Re-read Julie F's post. It's excellent. And resolve in your own mind to keep tabs with the phone from now on.

"Dating" at 11 is pretty tame. They can't drive, so unless someone takes them somewhere, they basically hang out together at school during lunch and recess.
Summer "dating"consists of whatever activities parents are willing to drive them to.

You are not perfect and I understand your initial reaction.

T.- I totally agree with you, I don't want my daughter dating either. I am not sure why some of the members in this thread think it's not dating?? They can kiss, hug and go places (albeit by getting rides) so it IS dating. My daughter is 12 and we have had that talk too. I have read her messages and it seems in middle school the big topic is boys/girls. Some of her girlfriends text her saying "So and so likes you" and all that -- I am Not for it at all. I told her that her cellphone can be inspected at all times and if she gives me attitude, then she will lose it for a longer period of time.
What I wouldn't tolerate is your daughter ignoring you, that is disrespectful. She can cry and be upset (hormones are getting crazy at this age too) but you are her mom and she has to listen and talk to you - regardless if she's mad or not.
I told my daughter she needs to clear the boy with me if they ask for her number -- call it a helicopter parent if you want but with so much teen pregnancy and so many things you cannot ever take back once you send them, I would rather be safe than sorry. My parents were overprotective with us growing up and we turned out just fine. My opinion is that parents nowadays are so ok with everything that boundaries are just not being set.
It's perfectly natural to have a crush and to talk about boys etc... but I told her in due time she will be more mature to handle having a boyfriend and for now I want her to enjoy being a kid- because that's what she is- a kid. She doesn't need any unnecessary drama with boys (and other girls) .. she needs to focus on her school and her dancing and her singing and just enjoy her age.

Goodness...she's a little girl. Yes, she can have male friends. As for a boyfriend that actually comes over and they go places together? Not without parents supervising.

One of the best friends I've ever had in my life had non-helicopter parents. They fixed up their basement with a pool table, juke box, snack area, and more. Almost every teen in that town was in that basement at one time or another.

Also, every pre-teen pregnancy in town was made in that basement. Well, pretty much every one of them.

Her parents had zero idea what was actually going on in their basement.

They fixed this basement up around the time the oldest sister was about 12 or 13. They wanted the kids to be in a "safe" place. SO they wouldn't be on the streets.

My friends siblings were about 2 years apart. This meant that when the older girl started having her friends over the other kids were 6, 8, 10, and maybe 12, while all those older kids were sneaking over to the couch in the corner where they were screwing around.

My friend was a mom by her 16th birthday. She was married by 17 and had 4 kids by 20.

I learned from this that kids left to their own devices will get in situations they shouldn't be in. Think about what it was like back at that age for you. If you'd have been alone with a boy in a place you weren't likely to be discovered. You'd probably let him go a bit further and let things get a little out of hand.

So no, she can't go anywhere with him that you can't supervise. She's trustworthy, I get that. She's probably a great kid too but she is a kid and her brain isn't even fully formed yet so she's not able to make adult decisions.

I would also do something to monitor her phone without her knowing it. We took my granddaughter's phone the other day because I knew she'd done something I wouldn't have allowed had I been asked.

She had deleted the condemning texts but a friend she'd sent them to had already sent them to me. It wasn't bad, okay? Not bad at all but she isn't allowed to chat on this program. I didn't give her permission to download it.

She is 12, she is too young to date. Have a calm and rational conversation with her (keep yourself calm and level even if she does not) and explain to her that she is simply too young and that she can date when she is XX(whatever age you feel comfortable with) and then let her know that if she continues to sneak around behind your back she will lose the privilege of spending time with friends away from you. You re not supposed to be her friend, and yes there will be times when she hates you, that is normal for teens.