Tween Help!

Mom:

This is the 12 year old who was diagnosed with Leukemia?

There is NOTHING wrong with being a strict mom. Set boundaries and rules...

If her grades have dropped, she may not have TV until her grades improve. Period. You can unplug or do whatever you need to do to remove it.

If she needs her computer for school, no. If she doesn't? Then yes. Take one thing away at a time and make her EARN IT BACK. Don't move the line. If she gets good grades, then she gets the TV back. If her grades improve, she gets one thing back. If she continues to improve, she gets both back.

Good luck!!

Yes. Do it. She's 12. If you don't do it now, you'll be unable to when she is 16.

Now, when she does bring good grades home, give her a treat. NOT TV OR COMPUTER!!!

Sending you strength~
Dawn

You're leaving our some really crucial information in this question. This isn't an average 12yo TV/Grades question.

I think you REALLY need to start working with a counselor, yourself. Cancer Clinics offer family counseling for very very good reason: the stress of a longterm illness, uncertain outcome, etc... Creates some unique difficulties.

One of which is denial/pretending everything is normal / the cancer (or other illness/disease) is in a vacuum and affects no other area of life.

This is your 12yo who is
- only 1 month into a Leukemia diagnosis
- struggling with depression
- may be taken out of school in the coming weeks for several months to up to a year or longer
- looking at some intense medical treatments
- looking at possibly not being alive in a year

While I realize you're looking for something you can control, and trying to keep things as normal AS POSSIBLE... But things are NOT normal right now.

They won't be normal for some time.

Trying to act as if things are normal (grounding her from TV/Games until her grades improve... When she may well be pulled out of school in a week or two)... Is only going to cause unnecessary hardship on everyone.

____________

Here's an example for you to see better:

- My son is laying in bed playing Videogames & watching movies 10 hours a day. What should I do?

- My son has pneumonia & severe asthma and is bed bound, playing Videogames & watching movies 10+ hours a day (too tired even to read). What should I do?

= TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT AMSWERS

((He is, by the way. We spent 3 nights in the ER this week, and if this wasnt something we've "done" a dozen times, he'd be admitted. At a certain point parents are trusted to provide medical care for their kids. PICC lines, ventilators, NG-tubes, etc. and if its 24/7 care needed, then you get 2 nursing shifts at home to cover you while you sleep & work. You're only admitted for acute care (surgeries, changing protocols, etc. until they're stable & you're trained on their medical needs).

Being a parent if a medically fragile child = a different kind of normal.

Just have rules.
Tell her stop it.
Turn it off.
Study first and complete all homework.
That's it.
That's what I do with my kids.
You are the parent.

Is this the same 12 year old who was recently diagnosed with leukemia? Because if I were here, I'd be tempted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. TV and computer might be her way of tuning out a bit. That doesn't make it OK, but it's a factor you have to be sensitive to.

Given all of the issues she's having lately, I would see out some support that is familiar with helping families with children her age through every stage of diagnosis and treatment. I suspect that there is benefit to still maintaining the same rules - if you maintain your grades, you get screen time so schoolwork comes first and screen time has limits - but I've never had a child go through this so I don't really know.

I hope that her treatment is a success and that eventually you get to put this very challenging phase of your lives behind you. But for now, please seek out some expert support. There have been many, many, many families in your shoes and I'm sure that there is solid advice out there for what rules to uphold, bend, or break when a child and family are coping with serious illness.

" im so upset.Its hard to believe my 12 year old has cancer.I'm afraid she wont live to be 13. As a single mom, does anyone out there have a cancer child or is a survivor? She was dianogesed 1 month ago.its still hard. " ~ This was your post just a while back..

I think there is a lot more than TV, that is bothering her and interfering with her concentration.

Have you spoken with all of her teachers and the administration at her school? They need to be informed. Your daughter may qualify for a IEP.

I also suggest you get her some counseling and you also need to speak with some professionals about what to expect through all of this.

Here is a link.
http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Education_...

Yes, I would go back to limiting the 12 yr old to 2 hours of screen time per day. Even though she has cancer, she should stick to her regular schedule (with the exception of days she's recovering from treatment: chemo, radiation etc...) Consistency and normalcy is very important.

I don't think TV is the end all bad thing that a lot of mom's here think it is. I am picky about what the kids watch. BUT I also think that if they should be able to watch TV to relax and enjoy their evenings too.

What do you do in the evenings? DO you watch TV? Do you read instead? Maybe the have different interests than you do. I let the kids watch however much TV they want because half the time they go off and do something else while the TV is on, more like background noise. Then they'll see something they like and sit for a while.

We're so busy with dance, tumbling, gymnastics, BMX, and all sorts of other stuff that we are rarely home by 8pm on any given night of the week. If we're home then the TV is on in the living room because "I" like watching TV. The kids have TV's in their rooms and they turn them on to Disney or Nick.

Go over the rules again, enforce them. So if they have to have good grades to have tv time and her grades are not adequate then she does not get the tv time.

You have to set certain boundaries. Kids can get a 30 minute break after school and then straight to homework, place them on a daily progress repot along with all assignments written and singed off by teachers, this way you can check off all possible assignments and studying. Two hours is more then enough you should engage more in family activates

I would most definitly take away ALL screen time!

Computer only for homework. Computer should be in a public space.
Grades have to be better for two weeks in a row.

3 hours of screen time on a school night is a LOT. If they get home around 3/3:30, spend 3 hours looking at screens, that only leaves, what, about 2.5 hrs for dinner, baths, homework, family time, and physical activity?

I'd cut down the tv time on school nights to 1 hr, and 30 min for the computer, unless they are using it for their homework.

When grades drop, I take away anything that plugs into the wall and don't give it back even after grades come back up. I want the grades to STAY up.

Three years ago, I took away video games during the week from my eldest daughter. It helped bring her grades up. Therefore, she NEVER gets to play video games during the week unless it's vacation time and there's no assigned homework to do during that vacation. Ditto for my other daughters.

I had to take away the computer completely except when it comes to homework assignments, and even then I have to time her. If it's a typing assignment and she's taking too long, I save the draft and e-mail it to her teacher and make her finish it at school where she's forced to work on it quickly and without choosing to distract herself.

She's about to lose television privileges.

I used to like to have the tv on for background noise while I did my homework, so I dont see the big deal with it. If her grades are slipping it is a problem. Instead of setting a time limit, I would make a rule that homework must be done before any tv time. Plus studying an extra 15 min or so on each of the subjects she is doing the worst in. Talk with her about your concerns, maybe she needs to start a tutoring program or needs some other extra help.

If you feel the tv & computer are an distraction then definately take it away.. growing up my girls M-TH was not allowed to watch tv & they definately didn't have facebook or an email address. My oldest now 18 didn't get a facebook page until she was 17 & a senior in HS... My youngest is now in HS and she has the same thing no facebook until she turns 17 & is a senior. she has the use the computer for school work but thats all nothing else.. She is a straight A student and has been sense Kindergarten so we thought we would offer her a facebook page for just family right now & she turned us down said no it was to distracting... So do what you feel is right. Just cause you take the stuff away doesn't mean they won't have a good life...

Are her grades dropping as a result of the TV and computer? Maybe the work is just too hard. I have autism and was never able to catch up with my peers (not saying she has autism).

My kids don't watch TV during the week, except for the news if I happen to have it on. I would take away the computer and TV in a heartbeat.

Yep....away they go until you get to the bottom of why her grades are dropping. Whether it's TV & Computer or not, those 2 interfere immensely when it comes to homework and studying, so the less distractions the better. Once they are out of the way, spend some time with her....sit and discuss what's going on. She'll let you know if you are sincere and not yelling. Maybe it's all about just needing a tutor or teaching her to be organized. Talk to her teachers and get their input as well. Good luck.

Me too. Yes grades slip then I pulled TV, Computer. Plus my daughter would not tell me if she had homework so I got to where I emailed the teachers to please let me know if my daughter did not turn any homework in on time. This helped when she lied to me. I would ground her too. When I did this she started to improve when she realized her teachers and I were all on the same page. She improved and as long as her grades maintained she had more freedom. She was 12 too when she pulled this must be preteen thing. My daughter now makes all A's without me involved she is 17 now. Good luck they do get better with your work and Prayer!

If her grades have slipped, I think that the 12 y.o. should at least have her screen time limited, if not taken away completely. I don't think you are too strict. If she doesn't learn how to manage her time now, she'll be in real trouble once she hits high school.