Trying to Keep Head Above Waters

Just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from. Baby girl is 2 and we've lived in three different states since she was born. Winters are rough. Friendship building takes time. You're doing good by getting out when you can. Hang in there. I know some days are better than others. On the rough days I'd contact my friends from my prior locations and they were always good about helping me feel better. We can't do this alone! Good for you for reaching out for help.

Some time ago I asked a question, "How do you know if you are an introvert or an extrovert". I got some pretty fantastic answers.

Then I asked my friends and they LAUGHED at me, "Ephie, you have a higher capacity for social interaction than anyone I know". Sometimes I can be a slow learner ;-) It takes days of non stop social interaction before I get tired of it and need a few hours by myself. I didn't realize that's not the norm.

Anyway, all that to say that I've prioritized social interaction because I'm bonkers and tired without it.

Here's how it is for me:
1 x a week I leave in the evenings to do volunteer work. It really feeds my spirit. (I've set up a childcare trade for one night (I watch my girlfriends children overnight 2 x a month and she takes mine 4 x a month for a full evening)
1 x a week I go in for a support group (childcare available onsite, when my husband is working. If he's home he hangs with them and afterwards I go over to my girlfriend's house for tea afterwards.)

2 x a week I have mama-girlfriends over for a playdate and coffee. The kids go amok by themselves while we sit and chat. If they are too wired to play nicely inside we take the troop outside into the woods or to the beach so that they are entertained while we catch up.

1 x a week I have a single girlfriend (or two) over for dinner. Especially when my husband is working over night.

1 x a month I have a slumber party with a mama-girlfriend who is too busy to meet during the week. We let our babes watch movies, play, etc., then put them to bed and stay up late.

Also:
In my area museums are usually free on the first Fridays or third Thursdays

My friends who are mothers are my friends because we get along, not because we're both moms. In other words, the friends I've made are people who I want to be around...that they have children is just an added perk.

My single friends are wonderful (!) because often they have more flexibility in schedule AND they enjoy playing with my little ones because they are not burnt out from their own.

I'm trying to not make new friends now because I don't have the time to nurture new relationships. When I am making friends, I tend to make them by doing things that I love. In other words, if I meet someone while I'm, say, volunteering, it's likely that we share more and have more to share than if I were to meet someone somewhere that I despise. ((not sure if that makes sense.))
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When I first became a mom I was incredibly lonely. Now, after almost four years, I can honestly say I have a strong community. Part of it is simple luck and part of it is that I've made it a serious priority. I'm a better mom when 1. I'm not always around my kids and 2. When I'm able to experience myself as a whole woman.

Big hugs to you. Wintertime is a rough period for me too.

The grass is always greener, right? But it isn't. It would be difficult to count the hundreds of SAHMs who feel lonely, at least at times, and talk about it right here on this site.

I think one reason motherhood can feel that way is that, even though we love our children all to pieces, they're the *next* generation, and we need some time with people from *this* one. But it doesn't always happen - certainly not the amount or the way we want it to.

I happen to be the sort of person who recharges in solitude, so when my children were small I had no trouble getting refreshed by sticking my nose in a book. All right, it was maybe for a minute and thirty seconds at a time, but it was refreshing. I did have a problem with fatigue, though, and had to make myself get busy and do - well, anything, from washing dishes to starting a craft project. It was a discipline for me not to use tiredness as an excuse to be lazy. I also had to learn to be thankful for where I was and what I had. If what "wasn't enough" in my thinking had been taken away from me, I don't know what I would have done. But that was me.

Maybe you're the kind of person who recharges her batteries by being around others. That means you need to make the best use of the chances you do have. You have your moms' club, and that's good. In fact, twice a week is great. Do you go to church? You can meet people there, as well as worship. Is there a no-cost children's reading time at the library? You might be able to meet some other moms there. Grab your chances when you can. It may not seem ideal, but it could be a whole lot worse. And you may have a chance to help another mama who is lonelier than you are.

I don't know what the weather has to do with it so much. Don't let the season, or the weather, tell you what kind of day to have. You decide, and tell the weather where to get off.

No glamorous social life here...
And totally understand the budget problem. I feel guilty even using the gas in our van. :(
So going out and finding fun things to do is not much of an option.
How do I cope?
I come here and chat w/ you all. :)

Ugh, i feel the same way as you. I actually wanted to see where you lived, so maybe we could hang out! lol. But i'm too far. I live in a nice neighborhood where there are a bunch of SAHM's, but we just moved a few months ago and I don't know anyone yet. Being that its winter, I can't really meet them either. I feel the same way though, that they are enjoying coffee and playdates and I am stuck in the house wanting to pull my hair out of boredom. I just keep telling myself, soon the weather will be nicer. and also, how lucky I am to be able to stay with my boys and watch them grow. But some days it is tough, when i feel like all i do is change diapers, make meals and wait for DH to get home.

Oh, I remember that, when mine was little : (

Sorry you feel this way. I bet no one is having the fabulous social life you are describing though.

How about an online class (cheap) from a community college? I am doing one in Excel right now (in fact, I should be doing hw instead of messing aound on Mamapedia lol). After the recession, I feel like I need all the skills I can get.

Also, you need at least one, preferably two, really cool girlfriend(s) to call and hang out with. If you are in NJ I know they are definitely out there.

Aw honey, you are not alone.
I think many moms can feel like this once in awhile.
How do I deal with & handle these feelings?:
-I call a friend on the phone
-I instant message friends
-Text them
-Email
-exercise or go for a walk when I can
-go on here for some distraction
-go to the park w/my little one
-I look for new exciting things to do w/my little one
-Treat myself to the occasional movie rental (Redbox is only $1)
-Buy myself a magazine subscription for $5/year (it's a treat)
-Reading time at the library
-hit the local parks. Sometimes it's nice just to chat w/other moms. Even if it's just superficial talk & we never become friends....it's fun, it's company etc.
-If you belong to a gym w/daycare, you could always try going there for 30 mins twice a week at the same time each time. That you can see if you run into the same people. You can then try striking up a conversation
-Can you look into Skype via your computer so you can stay in touch w/a few friends family back home?
-Do a google search on free things to do w/kids in your area. I have found several & I take my little one. We both get some interaction & it's fun.
-Some SAHM's have great, busy social lives (playdates, coffee) but not all
of us do or can do this.
-Take your little one to the local coffee shop & see if while you are sitting there you see another mom/child to strike up a conversation with.
-Since you are on a tight budget, look for free things, always use a coupon, when your family asks what you want for your birthday or Christmas tell them you would like a gift card for some place in your area you would like to go. For ex., Starbucks, local restaurant etc.
-In the dead of winter, I entertain myself with taking my child to walk around the mall, $1 movie rentals, indoor playgrounds, read books from the library, occasional outing/treat: cupcake or donut shop, kids stores where you can strike up a conversation w/other parents, the zoo.
-Just get out where there are other people, be friendly, be open to striking up other conversations & you never know.

I think you are misinformed about the social lives of SAHPs. I am one and I certainly don't go on social calls/have play dates and coffee every day of the week. I know several SAHPs and none of them are out socializing every day of the week.

Perhaps you could join story time at the local library and talk with the other parents there. Or take a weekly class at a community college (sometimes they have free ones or really inexpensive ones). You could also try meet up groups that interest you or volunteering at local charities.

Good luck.

Maybe you can find a hobby to take up some of your time like painting, drawing, writing. Being SAHM and away from family is hard. You sometimes have to try to make friends with the mommas at the playground if you can.

Good luck to you, you will find your way.

The other S.