Trying to Build a New

Updated on June 11, 2009
D.A. asks from Tampa, FL
6 answers

this has been one of the worst years of my life. My husband and I have been married now for 6 years. We have had our wonderful times and surely our horrible times. I have read various articles in local newspapers and online that statistics show that hispanic males are #1 to be depressed in our country today, especially if they do not originate from our country. symptoms are pain in the body, risk takings such as casual sex, anger, etc... Well my husband became a permanent resident in this country a little over 3 years ago.. he tends to have his moments when he gets depressed and stressed out and doesn't know how to handle it so he lashes out... and tends to be me or my daughters. We had a wonderful year last year.. and then all of a sudden out of the blue around the holidays he was acting weird and mean.... come to find out he was cheating, smoking pot and just having strange behavior. This wouldn't be the first time he's cheated. In March he went out of the country to visit his family.. and while he was away we really connected again.. he would call me and cry and tell me how sorry he was and he promised when he got back we'd go to counseling and be a family again and we'd have a good life again. Well when he got back a "Friend" of his notified this girl he was back and she called him... luring him back into the world he was trying to leave. He tells me he knows that he has a problem and wants to get help. well we ended up having a domestic issue in april which resulted in him being arrested and me and my 2 daughters going to a safe haven or my children could be taken away. The entire time we were in the shelter he'd call me and beg me to get out of there b/c it was killing him to know we were there... when i could we moved into our own apartment. Mind you, he's still hanging out with this girl.. he has been ordered to go to anger management and intensive parenting. tells me he is under a great deal of stress and cries all the time (I mean really cries to where you want to just grab him and hug him)... he has told me that this girl means nothing to him and none of them ever do.. that life is all about me and his girls - well why does he keep doing this to me? I feel like my whole world is coming crashing down around me. HE said he has no friends and he really needs one right now.. and being that we're in this situation right now i can't be the one that he can come to b/c yes i feel like im going crazy in doing the most outrageous things and i feel like im doing the domestic violence on him with the threats and while i have no excuse for it my defense mechanism is look what you've done to me... i dont think i deserve to be cheated on or hit or anything. But i know he has a problem.. a major one. I just don't know what to do. Im tired of crying. HE keeps telling me she means nothing to him but yet text mesgs that's he's sent her says he loves her and vise versa... he said that he just tells her that. i really dont know what to do anymore.. i dont know if i feel like im going crazy or what.. i really do love him so much and i feel that if i just walk away i will desert him and ruin my children's life. i can't bare the fact that he's even talking to another woman (mind you this isn't the only one.. there are others while we are separated) and the one that i keep speaking of thinks that he's telling her the truth and i keep warning her but instead she is making matters worse. I'm not even sure why i am putting this all out there.. i guess i needed a place to vent and i am trying so hard to build a new life for myself and try to get my sanity back and just stop degrading him and putting him down (I've been so used to him and my exhusband doing this to me when they got mad that this is my defense mechanism now) and see what happens? Im not even sure. I want to just run away and never look back but how could i take my children away from their father that they love so much... we miss him so much.. why can't the man that i fell in love with just come back to us? i know he's still in there somewhere and i feeldetermined to get him out but is it worth it?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Tampa on

D., dear,
please honey,
find a greater value in YOURSELF.

Lets take a different view:
if your child was an adult
and she had a man hitting her
and MANIPULATING her in such ways,
how would you council her?

Consider this too:
what you are living
and the way you are doing so (in this drama)
IS teaching your children.

Your husband definitely needs help,
but honey, so do you.
Where is YOUR empowerment?

People who are both lacking in their hearts
are rarely a compatible happy couple.
Two folks who are HAPPY with themselves
are much more likely to have
a wonderful blessed relationship together.

Your children are certainly capable
of deciding the kind of man your husband is
without you being married to him.
Keep any badmouthing to yourself
and let their relationship remain ongoing
(so long as he is in no way abusive to them)
while you MOVE ON.
By moving on I do NOT mean
you go find another man.
I mean you find what you believe is Sacred
within your life and in your own heart.

I've been there, with a series of manipulative men,
(two of them fathered my sweet children).

One must have a sure value of Self.

When you see yourself as Worthy,
then you'll be more available to Fabulous relationships.
When you see yourself as anything less than worthy,
you'll keep drawing relationships which devalue you.

You may want to check out my mom-owned business.
I help people amplify their prayer
and magnify their greatest personal attributes.
I witness people's hearts, souls and lives transform!

May you find peace in your heart
and love in your Self.

I'm praying for you D..

S.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.C.

answers from Tampa on

What advice would you give to your daughters if they were to tell you what you just told us? Would you tell them to go back to the man who has hurt them over and over again? I'm being serious, study after study has shown that children often repeat the patterns they see modeled by their parents.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.O.

answers from Tampa on

Wow, what a horrible situation. I too have heard that hispanic men are, and pardon me for saying "horrible" husbands. I know quite a few women who can vouch for that. One even had her house burnt down by him because she wanted to leave him. I know ya can't stereotype though....Anyway, I think you know what you have to do!!!! Ya just needed to get it out....Kids are resilient, many many kids do not associate w/one parent and that's not to say they won't later down the road...You do however, deserve way better, come on now..I can go on a mile giving you advice on what to do, but bottom line, you'll do what ya want anyway, we all do, but please be careful...Try to work a little logic into the situation..I know it's hard since we tend to act on our hearts rather than logic...Sticking around a bad situation for kids sake is not the "better choice"...Women tend to believe that and I don't know why. You need to get them out now cause they will grow up thinking that unhealthy relationships are normal...You're doing more damage than good...Best of luck to you..

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.M.

answers from Tampa on

OMG. I truly feel for you and for what you are going through. However, in my opinion, you and your children and what matters the most and if it were me, he would need to get serious help and go through a lot of counseling before I would ever just take him back. He has issues and he is hurting you not only physically but mentally too. And don't be fooled that just because your children love their daddy so much that it is a good decision for you to work it out. You need to put your childrens and your needs first and foremost and he is just no in a healthy place right now if you ask me. Then with the cheating. That is totally unacceptable. It is also typical what he is saying to each of you to keep you on a string. Please don't be a fool. He needs to either get RIGHT or get OUT (of your lives)!! And Sherry is right on target and says it beautifully!!! Take her advice!!! Get your self esteem and self worth back!!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Tampa on

Learn to love yourself, leave him and keep your kids safe! Get some counselling for yourself. Let God grant you the wisdom & serenity to know you can't change him!
God bless you and Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.M.

answers from Tampa on

He is continually doing the same thing- this isn't change- quit answering the phone, get a divorce, unless you want your life to be about this drama, and really do you want your daughters to think that this is how a man treats a woman, and this is what they should look for in a man--- I hope you say NO NO I don't want this for my daughters-- then you need them to see a situation where they see a man treat you with respect- and it isn't this man. Let him have his problem without you. Unless you like it- even if you don't think even of yourself( and I hope you do) think of you girls- they don't deserve to see that kind of example- make your getaway! best of luck,k

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches