Trying to Bit My Tongue, but I Feel I Will Lose the Battle

There is a big difference between watching one child for one night and watching three for two nights. Just saying.

I have had this issue with my in laws, who are just too tired or busy to have anything to do with my kids other than the 15 minutes a month they may get if we bring them over. Meanwhile, my SIL and nephew used to live with them and they did daycare for him and actually cry because they can't see him as often as they want to now that he lives in a different house. I don't think you will win this battle and I have just come to accept it.

My mom "plays favorites" with my 2 youngest sisters, but I don't hold it against any of them. One of those sisters has serious mental health issues, and one is simply impulsive and immature (still, at 50-something), and I'm truly grateful I have my own life. They need help, they ask for help, and they get whatever help my aging mother is able to give them. For the youngest, that included around 10 years of free babysitting several days a week.

Speaking as an older woman, I am often amazed to hear that some young mothers expect their moms to babysit. That is certainly not how I see myself – I paid my mothering dues (and really gave myself over to that), and now have other deep and compelling interests and activities, and committees just begging for my participation.

As it turns out, I do have a wonderful connection with my one grandson, and I do spend time with him. But this willingness came as a complete surprise to me. When my daughter told me she was trying to become pregnant, I fretted that she'd want me to babysit, and I found NO energy or willingness to do that.

And honestly, if I found out she EXPECTED me to assume that role, I would have resented it, and probably would have refused. As it turned out, once I met the new baby, I wanted to figure in his life. But I'm so grateful to have only one grandchild, because there is no way in heaven that I could fit more into my life, and the occasional 3-day sleepover leaves me completely drained. I can sure understand your mom's tiredness, and she sounds busier than I am.

There's no point in allowing resentment to tarnish your soul, R.. It will drain your possibility for contentment, and possibly your kids', too, because they are counting on you to teach them how to be a successful adult. Life is never fair, yet people who make peace with that tend to be happy and loving in spite of it. If you can bring yourself to practice simple gratitude for what you do have, I think you'll gradually come to realize expectations really get in the way of genuine contentment. I wish you well.

Anger and resentment towards your parents will only hurt you and your family. It is my belief that even though you haven't said anything, your family senses your feelings towards them. It doesn't matter.

In my opinion, just let it go. Life is too short. Find some friends that have little kids and can't afford to go out either, and then trade babysitting with them. Focus your energy on positive people and positive thoughts. Look for the good in your sister and your parents and ignore their negative traits. Find more healthy friendships. You will attract healthy people into your life if you and your husband are positive, happy people rather than bitter, resentful, or angry.

How about your sister and her boyfriend watch your kids, and either have their kid with them too, or get the parents to watch their kid so they can stay with your kids?

Growing up I was the tad bit bitter middle child. Sure my angst was well founded as my mother does, to this day, play favorites. Case in point, she rarely sees my daughters who live 30 mins away from her yet she drives 3hrs on her weekends off to see my younger sister and her boys. For my older sister's kids, who btw are over 21, she supplies their iphones and phone service, pays for their car note and insurance and more.

So I do understand why it stings for you. That said, their time is theirs to give as well as their finances. As children we sometimes want to think were entitled to both but really, they have the prerogative to give those to whomever and whatever they choose. The hurt comes when one asks and forgets that there is an alternate answer to yes. Lots of times life is just not fair and we just have to learn to bite the bullet and move on.

I don't know your parent so I can't advice you to talk to them. If you haven't once, and feel it necessary to get this issue off your chest, then maybe you should but approach it in such away that you are not finger pointing on how bad they are. Instead, talk about hurt you are. They may not be doing it to be mean. The thought of caring for 3 kids (regardless of how "easy" you think they are) can be intimidating.

Personally, I would just let it go. Not because I would not want to confront them but because why would I be enslaved by a negative feeling that is caused by something I have no control over.

Some here are attacking your parents, I doubt if that was your intention. They strike me as generally good people maybe a tad bit clueless when it comes to your feelings. Like you said they must be tired considering their schedule. Your sister/bf lives with them so your niece will be sleeping in her own bed with her own things so there would probably be zero adjustment issues for both your parents and your niece. Sometimes some parents (my mom did) tend to aid the needier child (your sister) and in turn neglect the other(you).

I hope you don't have to wait until the kids are out of the house before you get to do a weekend getaway ;-D

I would say bite your tongue. It sounds like you and hubs are due a break- yes- that's for sure! But from an outsider's perspective, you are REALLY taking their inventory....and believe me I know how hard it is to not do that in your head. It seems like you are keeping score. I speak from experience- I have a special needs sister, and to say the treatment of her and I as sisters was a little less than fair would be the understatement of the century!

I wasted a lot of time and energy tallying up "life goodies" that were shared with my sis and I- and that's all it was....a WASTE of time and energy. If you can, (and I KNOW it's hard...) rise above it. Direct some of that energy into finding a way that you and your hubs can get a break, maybe do a little side job to earn some extra cash so that you can pay a babysitter, or ask other Mom friends to trade some overnights so both families get a little break....we often have more resources than we know!

And by all means, VENT- as much as you need to- with friends or on here....life is frustrating sometimes. And you know what else- it truly isn't fair.....no matter what you might think, so I have been a much happier person just practicing acceptance of others and staying our of thier inventories. I just try to be the best Mom, wife and daughter I can be, and focus on what I can do for my family and others to be of service...and magically- myheart becomes filled with JOY!!

Good Luck...hope my honesty didn't offend...it wasn't meant to.

Bite down hard! Your mother is going to school and working...quite a feat! It is a lot of hard work to go to work all day and then focus on school. Just because your sister is taking advantage, doesn't mean you have to jump on the bandwagon. Believe me, your mother will appreciate you more if you show you are handling life well on your own.

R.,
I know it's frustrating but babysitting for your kids is their option, not their job. My son is 7.5 and I can count our "nights out" on O. hand. When my parents watch my son it's so I can WORK, not pay and I appreciate that and don't want to ask for more.
Pay a sitter if you want a night out. It will NOT be worth the bad feeling you cause in bringing up a subject/action that should be volunteered, not expected.

You could talk with them about how you feel, but do it in a non-accusatory way. Just tell them how you feel, and see what they say. It may not change anything, but at least they would know you feel hurt by there favoritism of your sister and her child.

You are not going to change this situation...even though I agree with you that it is not fair. But your parents are the ones who are losing out...losing out on a wonderful relationship that they could be building with your 3 children. (I say this as I am reveling in the fact that both of my grandchildren and 2 of my 3 daughters are here visiting with us right now!!!).
I would not want to leave my children with someone who doesn't want to have them there.
I bet you have some good friends, who also can't afford to have someone babysit for a weekend...and whom you trust to care for your children...trade weekends with them and each of you have a chance to spend some time with your spouse.

.

Hi R.,

I would feel the same way you do, but I think you already have your answer. I believe you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that you have three kids. I am sure they are easy like you say, especially since they can do most things on their own.

But watching a 15 month old is A LOT different than watching a 7, 5, and 3 year old. Now keep in mind, I am not speaking of your kids in particular, but ANY 7, 5, and 3 year old would be work. There is a lot more energy needed to keep them entertained, or out of trouble. A fifteen month old can simply be put in a pack and play if needed...

I am also a mother that is LONGING to go out. Not for a special occasion like you, but just to keep my sanity...lol I cannot find anyone that I want to torture with my 2 and a half year old, and 8 month old...lol

It is a lot of work for people that don't have kids, to be with kids for a few days in a row, even if they are family. I understand your feelings and would feel the same way, but I think it might have to be accepted the way it is.

Good luck,
L.

How far are you from Frederick? Maybe I can help you out...

Just read your update - your parents are totally enabling your sister. Be GLAD that you are not in that situation because it is an extremely difficult cycle to break. Similar situation with my younger brother. He is 36 and it is STILL going on...

what are their reasons for not wanting to watch your kids?

**Add on. I agree with Marci. Why should you still be dependent on your parents to watch your kids? The best thing you can do is be independent of them and limit visits to when you WANT to visit and not when you NEED to visit. I'm sure your parents appreciate the fact that you and your husband are making it out on your own and most likely they wish your sibling was as well. I bet they are just overwhelmed having kids with kids living at home with them and don't know how to act. They dont want your sis feeling bad for having to live there and they dont know how to appropriately show your kids affection at the same time. It's really not their fault. Be the better daughter and don't intrude on your mom's already too full house.

hi R.,
i totally get why you're so frustrated. it's hard when you feel as if your efforts and accomplishments are completely unacknowledged while a slacker is getting all the breaks.
but i really do think you should just vent to us.
as a parent yourself, you know that sometimes one child or another has compelling needs that MUST be addressed, and sometimes the others get shorted. any parent only has so much time and energy. yes, from your perspective it's completely one-sided, but you don't have your parents' perspective so can't really judge it. fairness is a great ideal to strive for, but for grown-ups it just isn't realistic, at least not always.
it's clear your parents aren't ignoring you due to lack of caring, they ARE tremendously busy (and how proud you must be of your mom!)
and three kids is a lot to take on. you do it with one hand tied behind your back, but as a grandma-aged gal (not yet blessed with 'em) i can tell you i'd be a bit overwhelmed by it.
i do wish they'd do it this once for you. and i do wish your sister weren't sucking away all of their spare energy. but it is what it is. i suggest you write down everything you feel about it......no holds barred, a real ugly bitchfest......and then burn it.
and hire a babysitter.
khairete
S.

I would be irked too.... they are shafting you/your kids.
Gosh...

Even if you say something.... what is their character? Will it just piss them off and then they really ignore you... or will they actually thoughtfully 'reflect' on what you said... and then realize???

Or, you just do not expect anything of them, period.
If they are not capable... of equitable attitudes... then even if you say something, you may not get the 'nice' reaction you may 'want.'

Your younger sister and her boyfriend, are living free, with your parents. They show NO character nor maturity, whatsoever... nor any respect for your parents. AND, your parents.... give in to them.
YOU are better than them.... 'family' will not always be what we hope for.

Its not fair at all.
But... you can't change them either.
You could certainly voice your feelings to them... when you are calmer... BUT... it will not necessarily "fix" them nor make them into sudden angelic people...... they may even just retaliate.... even on Facebook.
People 'bully' on Facebook all the time... and bad mouth.
So....

Your sister and her Boyfriend... seem like REALLY irresponsible selfish people.... and they 'brag' about having alone time... but what about their baby??? If that were my parents... I would find them.... really, obnoxiously.... crude... and wonder, 'why' they are so eager to not want to be with their baby. And 'why' they are so PROUD of getting away...

Be glad... you are NOT like them.
Maybe your parents don't like it either... but, well, they are stuck. With your younger sister and her Boyfriend.... using them and their house. Like spoiled brats.....

But, your Parents don't want to watch your kids. WHY the heck? And why the constant excuses, about why the cannot????
That... to me, is puzzling.... but they can babysit your younger sisters baby. All the time, it seems.

The situations stinks... yes.
But, be glad you are not them.

What about your Husband's family??? Do they live near you? Can't they babysit.... and help you??? It does not have to be, your family.

all the best,
Susan

Hi R.
As a parent I would be twisted, as a daughter I would be furious. I have the same gig everything was OK for my brothers and me being the only girl well..
whatever. You do not mention his parents at all? Are they able to watch ur children? If your parents and you and ur hubby sit down and come to an agreement about what you want from them as grandparents and remind that you do not want them to raise them but you want them in their lives. If that cannot happen then and his parents are not able to help you , then you are really unable to do anything unless you would be able to afford a nanny that would be able to sleep over but there would have to be extreme trust for that to come about. as you know that is not an over night decision, For many years my husband and I did not go anywhere if we could not get our cleaning/nanny to watch them, She was not always available. Occasionally his mom would watch them. Yes, tell your parents how you feel, the longer it sits the worse it will get and remember you hold this hostility it can effect your health too which is more important for your children need you. I would politely say to them, we would love for you to be in our children s life. You need to take baby steps with them if they say yes,,, do not do sleep overs quickly take everything slowly, Hey and if they want to watch them do not worry about them pitting you,, you have achieved your goal.. you get some days eventually off with your husband and the children get their grandparents and perhaps grow close with their cousins. Perhaps your sister is egging you on,,, just to see how you react.. Ignore it.. its hard but it would be the way to go for if you react to it - their is more ammunition for her to continue.. Be the bigger and mature person. you will come out a winner at the end. Good luck-- Candy

I would talk to them AFTER you have calmed down some and maybe even written this out again. You need to be clear with them about exactly what it is you re unhappy about. It sounds like you are actually angry about a good couple of things (with reason!) But, if you throw too much at them at once they'll get angry back.

If your sister, and her child, live with them, then both they and the child are used to each other. Your parents know her schedule and will be in their own home. Your kids require them to come to your house OR have the kids do a sleepover which may just seem like too much work to them. No, its not fair. And you should talk to them, but be very sure of exactly what makes you angry and what you would like them to change or explain.

you should say something.
it happens all the time for some reason grandparents don't realize when they're doing it, and how much their actions hurt the others in the family.
I have spoken about same things at times in the past, and have gotten 'but we do so much for you.' now we may live in different planets because it's just not true but it also made me realize that they will never see it as wrong so i have not spoken about it anymore. i said it a few times, and made my peace with it. i think you should do the same. good luck. i do hope you get a few very deserved nights away.

I understand your frustration.

My children are 15 and almost 18. We went on our first real night away (for a conference) in August. The only other time we left them was to purchase our house and we were gone exactly 2 nights. My parents are here, but had very little to do with watching them. The children are very self sufficient. My oldest drives. They had plans on Friday night and on Saturday during the day. They were busy, so I didn't have to worry about parties and the like.
Needless to say, we haven't really been away from them. Over the years we've considered asking someone to watch them, but it never seemed quite right to us. My parents have always been close, but have never told us they'd take the kids so we could go away. (We went to our Grandparents twice when we were kids -- probably because my cousins spent most weekends with my Grandparents... Do you see a similarity there?)
We'll have been married 21 years in December. We make time for each other daily - even if it's for 2 minutes before bed time. We chat, we laugh... It's good enough for us. We figure in another few years they'll be off to college and we'll have all the time together we can stand! LOL!
My advice - find a friend to watch them or stay home. I know you want to get away, but it might have to wait just a wee bit longer.
LBC