Last week I got a call from a lady I know. She's not a friend, just an acquaintance I've spoken to four or five times and had lunch with once. She called the day before I left for Christmas with my family (i.e. things were INSANE around here with laundry, gift wrapping, packing, etc.) and asked if I could watch her son starting the next day through the end of this week. She's a single divorced mom. The dad was supposed to be watching the son but bailed on her at the last minute. In my flustered (not really thinking things through) state I agreed to watch him after we got back. I knew from our lunch that she really doesn't have a support system outside of her ex's family and wanted to be able to help her. I watched the son today, and I am realizing that my attempt to help has seriously backfired in a few ways.
First, my husband is furious with me for accepting this responsibility. I made the mistake of assuming that he was working after we got home, but it turns out, he managed to get the whole week off. (How I missed this tidbit, I can only chalk up to the frazzled pre-holiday state of mind). He wanted to take day trips and do fun things as a family and can't believe that I failed to discuss this with him before committing to watching her son. He's absolutely right on the communication part, and I feel terrible about that.
Second, the boy was ROTTEN today. He complained about everything all day. He didn't like our movies (He doesn't watch "kid movies"--he's only 8). He didn't like our lack of Blu-ray. He didn't like our video game selection. He didn't like our food or our drinks. And he wasn't at all polite about his dislikes. Everything was accompanied with eye-rolling, "Blech" or "yuck" noises and gestures, and a snotty attitude. He mocked my youngest two children repeatedly in spite of multiple requests to stop and played rough with the toys. Please don't take this the wrong way. I have four children who can be rotten too. I know everyone has bad days--I was probably having one today. But I can't stand being treated that way by a child who I have invited into my home. It had me feeling like I was walking on egg shells all day trying not to snap at him. To add to it, his behavior had my husband on edge, which didn't help his frustration with the length of the commitment.
Third, the mom only informed me today when picking him up that her Friday hours are going well into the evening instead of ending in the afternoon. That was kind of a final straw. I was under the impression that she was working normal hours all week. My husband is telling me to back out after watching him tomorrow because now it's interfering with the chance to do something Friday night as well as Friday during the day.
How would you handle this? Is it more important to keep the husband happy or follow through with a commitment? Would you just suck it up and follow through even if you felt like it was going to make you crazy? Or would you just recommend a good babysitter and back out as gracefully as possible? I'd love to know what others would do in this sort of situation.
I cannot thank you enough for all of your responses! I have been contacting mutual acquaintances (of the mom and myself) to see if anyone is available on Friday. My husband appears to be satisfied that as long as Friday is free, he'll be a good sport (he really is most of the time anyway) I think between the bad attitude and the bombshell of the whole week being taken up, it was just too much yesterday. Today things have gone better, probably because the sun is out and it isn't quite as cold as yesterday. I've kicked the kids outside for a good long time which has improved everyone's demeanor and appetite a lot. :D
Just as an added update, the mom had zero trouble finding someone to watch her son, and we had a nice family day. As an added tidbit, in all fairness to my husband, he was not freaking out about watching the kid (he was appalled by the lack of manners, as I was). He was rightly upset that we had not discussed it ahead of time (not in a "he has to give me permission first" sense, but simply in a "we're partners in this whole thing called life" sense. I was in the wrong for not talking to him first. All is well though, and lesson learned for everyone. I hope. Thanks again for all your thoughts and input.
You said you'd do it so unless you can get someone else to take him for you then she could possibly lose her job if she has to take off due to no babysitter.
I am sorry about the whole situation but I would call around and find someone else for her and not just tell her sorry, he can't come anymore.
Husband comes first over anyone else. I would say you forgot to communicate with hubby and that you cannot watch her son anymore. Suggest taking him to Kidspark or someplace like that??
Or, just say i am sorry it is not working out and that is all you need to say.
I feel really bad for you. But I wouldn't cancel. I just wouldn't ever watch him again.
Take him with you on family outings. Do everything you would have done instead of sticking around at home. Tell her that your husband is upset because he is off work and you didn't know that he would be. Your husband wants to go out and her son will need to go too.
Stop walking on eggshells around this child. Look him straight in the face and let him have it! Tell him that with his attitude, he will not have any privileges that he has not EARNED with good behavior. He is not a guest in your house. He is a snot-nosed 8 year old with an attitude problem. Stop letting him have that attitude and mean business with it!
If you don't squash this kid's bad manners, you will hate him by the time the week is over. He needs to learn to keep his mouth shut, so you be the one to teach him. You can have some love in your heart, but be tough. If his mother doesn't like it, she can find someone else this week. Ditto if she doesn't want him traveling around with your family so that you all can get out of the house.
Good luck!
Dawn
After the day you had today, I would tell the mother that this isn't working. Tell her your husband has the time off so you cannot watch him. If you can give her the name of a good babysitter that would be great. I would've done this tonight. Since you didn't, I'd definitely tell her in the morning that you cannot watch him Friday.
All too often we try to be nice to others which isn't so nice for those we love. I would've told her, once you found out that your husband had the time off that you were sorry but couldn't watch him at all. Apologize but while being loyal to your husband and family.
Do not feel guilty about telling her no because you should've cleared it with your husband. You made a mistake which you can correct by being honest about the situation with your acquaintance. Sympathize with her. Your family comes first.
This women is imposing on you, and now she's upped the ante by adding additional time on to her original request. I would just politely tell her that your husband ended up taking some time off work this week, and that you need to do some family things. You are under no obligation to watch this kid. She needs to hire a babysitter or put him in daycare if she has to work. It's what everyone else does. It's her kid!
I hate to say it, but I'd tell the mom you mistakenly agreed to watch her child before discussing it with your DH, and that he had planned some much needed family only time & that you need to keep the peace with him & fulfill your family duties, so she'll need to find alternate childcare.
It sounds like this woman might be a bit of a taker, with a brat, to boot.
This is a tough spot, but you can't back out. It's nearly a week after you agreed to watch the child, she is a single mother and if she can't work, she will be in an even tougher spot.
That being said, don't cancel your plans because you have a visitor. Do what you planned to do and bring him along. But first, you need to have a conversation with the child. When he is in your house, he must use his manners. No complaining, or like one of the other mom's said, he should bring his own lunch and movies, etc.
Kids need discipline. The reason why he is so vocal with his complaints is that he has not been corrected yet. If you are firm, but kind, you will see a change in a day.
BUT the late hours on Friday will not work. That is clearly taking advantage of you. She needs to make alternate plans for him either for the whole day or someone who picks him up in the afternoon.
And finally, I know this is a strain between you and your husband, but this is Christmas. You and your family have done something very generous and selfless to share your holiday week with a child who can't spend it with his own parents. You should look at what a good lesson this is and not a burden. It's really very nice of you.
Happy New Year to you.
This is easy for me to say because it's not MY situation, but you could tell her that her son's behavior is taking a toll on your household. The way he is behaving is gross.
I would tell her that you weren't aware of your husband having the week off and that you need to put your family first. Recommend a good babysitter and wash your hands of the situation. It's totally okay to do!
Edited to add because this is REALLY bothering me...... It's perfectly fine to FIRMLY tell that boy to stop whenever he is behaving badly. I would be miserable in your situation. Don't walk on eggshells any more! HUGS!
You need to sit down with the Mom and tell about her son's behavior. I understand she is between a rock and hard place. I feel for her I have been where she is, she needs to work and the ex bailed on watching their son. Is there a Boys and Girls Club anywhere near you? The cost is nominal and the kids can spend all day there during school breaks and other days off and after school. They get meals and are kept busy. If she can sign him up for a membership she can start dropping him off the next day. They also have a homework room, if Mom says she wants the homework done the child can't leave the room until it's done.
If there is no where else for the boy to go for the rest of the week and you decide to keep him out of kindness--sit him and Mom down and explain house rules and expections. He has to follow them.
Tell him you had some day trips planned for the week but if his behavior is out of line you can't take him. My daughter babysat and we just included the kids in our routine.
I get that hubby is angry but he needs to walk a mile in this woman's shoes. Tell him you are sorry -- then ask him what he would do if you got sick or died and he needed someone to take care of the kids on an emergency basis so he could work? Sometimes helping out a single mom is inconvient but she needs you guys.
Tell her it is not working. I know it is hard, but your family deserves more.
And she should have childcare arranged.
Failing to plan is not an emergency.
I would just say look, I'm really sorry but I can't watch your child past 3 o'clock (or whenever) on Friday. I would also tell her that he complained about your movies, games, food, etc. and ask that she provide the same for him while in your care or ask him to keep his opinions to himself.
I would tell her you can't do the extra time on Friday and explain about your husband taking vacation time. Maybe till her it just isn't working but give her a day to make arrangements.
As for the kid, tell him the house rules in your house. Maybe give him a few extra warnings but it he is really over the line then use a reasonable consequence like you would with your own kids.
If you can manage it try to do at least some of the day trips, including the extra kid if you need to.
Well, you did make a commitment. He's 8. You're an adult. Tell him to bring his own video games, food and drinks, if necessary.
But you did tell this mom that you would do it. I wouldn't back out.
I know I could not handle being in that situation. Your own family comes first. I would not have that kind of disrespect in my home around my children. I would tell her "Sorry, it's not working out. Your son has been rude and disrespectful and my family is miserable with this arrangement so I have to end it immediately." I'm sorry she is single parent and this is unexpected, but she needs to start dialing up some resources and getting some back up plans in line if her ex is not reliable. Most schools have extended care programs available on school breaks or local YMCA camps have school break programs as well.
ouch! this sucks.
How would I handle it? I would keep my commitment AND I would talk to the mom.
You have options and you have learned that communication is key....
1. Sit down with the mom today after she picks him up and tell her:
a. I failed to discuss this with my husband who is off work. I will keep my commitment to you with the caveat that on Friday, you will have to find someone else as WE did not communicate the timing on that day.
b. I FEEL that Johnny is .... insert what word you want to use here. I don't like his behavior or attitude with x, y and z.
2. Have the child bring video games from his house. As to Blu-ray - oh please. He's a GUEST in your home. It's okay to tell him ENOUGH. You should NOT walk on egg shells in your own home. Tell him the rules of your home. If he can't be respectful - he won't be welcomed back.
It's okay to stand up for your kids and yourself in your own home. It's OKAY to tell an 8 year old to be respectful and show him how you expect him to behave. It might be an enlightening moment/week for him...his mom may be giving him everything and not paying attention to his behavior because she's trying to compensate for being a single parent and dad in and out of his life...hence the blu-ray, video games, etc.
I know it sucks, and my husband would be furious with me too!
That being said--put yourself in the kids' shoes. He's at a stranger's house, his dad bailed on him and he can't be with his mom after Christmas. I'm sure he has issues.
Have a talk with the mom about the son's attitude. Let her know that if he doesn't turn it around, you won't be able to watch him. Believe me, Mom will have a talk with him if she's desperate.
Then tell him the rules of your house. Be firm but kind. When he oversteps by being rude, you can say "I'm sorry you don't like our toys, but that's what we do in our house and I'd appreciate it if you'd be a good guest." I have learned that kids need to be taught how to be good guests. My stepdaughter did not have a lot of playdates when she was young because of being bounced back and forth between houses. When she turned 7 I arranged playdates and was horrified at her manners! These things have to be TAUGHT, and often times single moms and dads are more concerned with other things than teaching manners. Because my stepdaughter was back and forth between mom and dad, when she was at one house she was the center of attention (because she wasn't there all the time) and the same goes with the other. She was spoiled because mom and dad felt guilty, and also they didn't get to see her all the time. This led to her manners EXACTLY like you described this little boy. She complained at other people's houses, once she was offered Kool Aid and she said "no, I want juice." Well I'm thinking the mom want to save the juice for her own kids and when she said "well, we're serving Kool Aid" my stepdaughter said "well you have juice, I saw it in your fridge and that's what I want." Oh the horror!
Try to enlist your husband in at least feeling sorry for the mom. Then be firm with the child and bring him along. It's okay to even pull the child aside and be more firm. I would even say "your attitude is ruining things for my family. Please change your attitude or I will have to phone your mom at work and have her pick you up."
If you hit a wall and find the attitude is the mom (who doesn't think there is anything wrong with HER child) then now you can bow out and not feel bad.
Good luck!
This is a lady you know, she is not a friend, you said you would help, you can simply tell her that when you said you could help, you did not realize that your hubby would be home. You can (and probably should) add that her son does not behave properly, is disrespectful and that as a result you will not watch him beyond today. Moreover, she should know that changing plans in mid-stream is not acceptable. You could simply say that your and your family had plans for Friday evening, and she will have to make other arrangements (this is if you end up agreeing to watch the b*&$ on Friday at all. I really think that she needs to know that her son does not behave well, that he does not "play well with others" and that despite the fact that she is a single mom, and may feel all kinds of guilt over not having a dad present - but that the reality is that if she does not set boundaries (reasonable ones) for her son, she will continue to be in a position where no one will be available to care for him.
Husband and family come first.
Definitely tell her it's not working out...you owe her nothing & have nothing to lose. IF you continue to watch him, you lose precious time spent with your own family, & you will start to become resentful. It would be different if he were a good, appreciate child with some manners & tact...but being the spoiled brat he is would make it hard for anyone to tolerate...get out now while you still have time to salvage the rest of your week!
You need to tell the Mom that Friday is a deal breaker. She didn't tell you that on purpose. Now, she feels you can't do anything about it and didn't care. I think she has something planned for Friday and is saying it is work related.
Here is what I would do. I would tell her today that Thursday is the last day you can watch her son. I don't know if I would mention his behavior. He could have been upset that his dad canceled at the last minute. You have no idea what his home life is like so I would be curious as to how today went. I would tell her that Friday is family day and you aren't available. The reason I would do this is even if you tell her that she needs to pick him up on Friday at the regular time, what happens if she doesn't? She might do that. Eliminating Friday eliminates that problem.
i will tell my husband to chill out not that he would freak out over something so small and trivial anyway buttt if he did i would laugh at him. second i would talk to the mom if he cant be polite then he cant be there peroid it sounds like your kids are smaller and they will learn what they see in a very short time. its only for a little while longer if you can hold out just think of it as good karma lol
Personally, I would have said I'm so sorry I did not realize my husband was off work, we're doing family things.
I would not sacrifice my family time. My husband works full time, plus is studying for the CPA exam. I would be selfish about our time with us and the kids.
If it was a CLOSE family friend, with a nice kid that I liked, I'd do a day, but most certainly not a week!!! And IMO, I think it's rude of her to ask you for so much, I would not do that.
