How Do I Learn to Say No or Conveniently Forget?

When mom and sis say they will help-just say when you will drop off and pick up-don't give them the opportunity to disappoint you-and don't keep score-in a sense, you will never win.

You feel obligated to them, they don't feel obligated to you. So if they ask you for something and you really can't do it, then don't. And don't feel guilty about it. Good luck!!!

There is a huge difference in saying no to someone because you're busy and saying no to someone to spite them.

As far as I'm concerned, you should have followed-up with your family regarding watching the kids this week. You could have easily called your mom or your sister on Saturday afternoon to see what was up. They were probably wondering why you didn't call - must not be a crisis then.

And when you are asked to do them a favor and you genuinely can't or don't want to - just say, "I'm sorry, but I can't this time. Maybe next time." No need to explain.

Were you crystal clear with the family members that:

You were in dire straits: Your regular sitter had a death in the family. Serious stuff. You cannot get her. She isn't going to turn up, period.

You are in a new job and do NOT have leave time to just take off. There is no flexibility.

You need a yes or no at the end of this phone conversation, complete with dropoff times etc. No is OK but you need it now so you can move on to another call to ask someone else.

I would be very, very clear if you want something from them. If they say I have to ask someone else, like a boss, say, "That's fine. I will call you at 6 p.m. today to find out what the boss said. Talk to you AT SIX TODAY for an answer. Thanks." And then call at six.

They may mean well but just not have any idea that you really do need a firm commitment. Many folks want to help but are not able to understand that workign parents need a really solid commitment by a certain time!

Maybe it's more simple than you think... in the same way you think there is no reason your mom can't .. and no reason your sister can't... maybe they think , there is no reason you can't call them back and follow up and see if they still "can" watch your kids. Some people do need more reminding (especially around the holidays) I once read an article about this guy waiting for this girl to call him... finally, it occurred to him, he could call her... and guess what, she was glad to hear from him.. point is.. you have more control than you think...

I know in your SWH You said "I definitely could have called them, but I felt when I had asked them on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...that if they hadn't said yes by then that they were not willing to do it." But ...

You are the one that needed them. It IS your responsibility to follow up and get a definite yes or no answer as soon as is reasonable. You needed to know for certain one way or the other so that you could make alternative arrangements. Don't just sit there and wait for them to get back to you. You need to know, so find out.

Sorry, if that sounded harsh. I just wanted to make sure you understood that needing an answer from them is not being demanding, it is being responsible. Don't worry that you are being to pushy. They should understand that you have a responsibility to have childcare in place and if they can't help you, you need to know that so you can make other arrangements. If they can't help you, you'll move on and find another solution. But you need to know that.

I think the bigger problem here is that you didn't get a clear answer in a timely manner. It is very possible that they all knew you had asked all of them and since you didn't follow up they figured you had it covered.

I can totally relate and don't blame you for wanting to treat them the way they treat you. What's not clear in this case though is what happened between when you asked them to watch the kids and now. You wrote they all said they were more than glad to help. So if they said that, I'm not sure what happened in between. They didn't call you? I have to say I"m not sure why they'd call you... If they said yes but didn't hear from you to firm up times etc, they probably figured someone else was taking care of it. I try to be super considerate but I'm not sure even I would call to find out my "shift". I'd figure if you still needed me, you'd call me. And unless it's rude to your morning sitter, it's not too late for tomorrow! Call them and see if they've made other plans. Your sister is a bit different. She said she'd get back to you and didn't. Since she's your SISTER, why not call her on it? Why not say "Sis, I've watched Johnny for you by taking vacation time. Couldn't you at least have gotten back to me like you said you would? It's costing me a fortune to hire Morning Sitter." Don't say it really angrily but more in a perplexed tone? Like "why would you do this to me?" Overall, try being more assertive and if that doesn't work then yeah, screw 'em. If you need help doing that, come on here and say you're struggling to say no and likely you'll get some support. I've learned to say no too. It's kind of hard. You have to seriously make yourself like taking medicine. But then it gets a bit easier. And it feels good so it gets even easier. I really take an objective view of what I"m saying no to and if I really think I'm being rational, I do it. I have a friend who totally backs me up when I'm waffling. He'll be like "just dont do it." And if your mom is a college professor, she's at least reasonably intelligent. She should know what she's doing and not doing. Don't let her get away with it.

I would call your mom, brother or sister and just say, "Listen, I've helped you out in the past, I could really use your help this time around!" That may get them thinking. They should realize that what goes around comes around, and they should really not always take your help but never follow through with helping you...it's inconsiderate.

If you have trouble saying "no" upfront, just say, "I'll have to check my calendar, not sure right now." That gives you time to decide if you are really wanting to help next time.

Your family already knows that you will do for them without doing anything for you in return. You need to stop this cycle. You will feel bad for a little but let them know that they can't take advantage of you. The next time they have a request just tell them you will have to check your schedule and never respond. Maybe they will think before treating you so badly.

as a daycare provider, I put it in my policy handbook that backup sitters are highly recommended in case of emergency. None of my families bother to do that....& have paid the price dearly.

I am not an unreliable provider. But emergencies do occur, & it amazes me that my families are so unprepared. Stash an extra $50 somewhere so that you can afford to pay your morning sitter next time!

You know, from in the past, that your family is not to be relied upon. When you made your initial contact with them, you should have set definite times/terms for each family member. Leaving it open-ended, allowed them to walk from their responsibilites......& shame on them!

I don't know how you can break this cycle. But, I do know, revenge is not the answer......I wish you peace & the ability to be the better/bigger person.

I'll try this again. You need to grow a backbone and stand up to these people. Once you learn to say "NO" and mean it a lot of your worry and stress will be gone.

Your mom knew you needed help and she "could" have provided it but didn't. She has her life and went on without thinking about your needs even though she said she would. Your sister and brother did the same thing.

As others have said you were the one that needed the help and should have followed through on it. The other should have had enough time to check their calendars and got back to you with an answer had you called them all on Sunday.

Stop bending backwards to "please" people. You are being used and didn't even know it.

I know it is hard at this time of year to always fund extra sistter costs but that is part of being a parent to play for emergencies or contingency situations and be able to do them without the family help. Sometimes family is the worst when help is needed.

Sorry to be blunt but this is real life and we have to be able to provide for ourselves without the help of others.

What would you do if you did not live near these people? That is what you have to do for the future and you won't have this communication break down.

May you have a good holiday season.

The other S.

My first thought is, shame on you for wanting to "screw them like they screw you". But my next thought is, why don't you call them back and be proactive? I'd be calling about every 2 hours until the answer is yes or no.

Honey, you need to be more assertive. My daughter doesn't ask me about watching my grandson for date nights. She waltzes in after work and tells me if she's staying here or going out or spending the night with her boyfriend. Then she tells me if her son is staying with me or going with her. I like it when he stays and even if I was kind of thinking about having a quiet night before she got home, I'd NEVER let on to her or him that I would have rather had a quiet night. He's my grandbaby and I love him.

I think you should have just shown up at her house early with them and said a bright and cheery thank you, handed her a special starbucks if she's into that or a monster if she's into that. Kiss kiss...off to work you go.

Hmmmm...a few thoughts....
When it's OUR kid/s we want those plans nailed down well ahead of time, because ambiguity often equals "we're screwed"! I find it's not as urgent a matter to others as it is to us, so since your mother, sister and brother all said "yes" initially, I would have nailed down the days with each of them right away when you got the response. THEN I would have called each the day before their "shift".
You can't not express specific expectations and then be surprised when the plans in your head go down in flames, right?
Also, I think you're wrong for purposefully wanting to try to "screw them"! I think if it's a favor you can do, then do it, if you're not able to, then don't. It's all about whether you WANT to help and CAN help.
Right now it sounds like you're ready for a break from helping them all out--but I do think you need to really look into the "why" part.

This may be more of an answer than you want, but if you were my girlfriend telling me this over tea, my first question would be: "Has this always been your family dynamic?"

This is something a counselor can help you with, probably better and more in-depth than a forum, but I'll take a stab at it. You have to figure out *why* you feel compelled to help out without receiving reciprocity when you need help. It seems like you are hoping that if you just show them enough times that you are worthy and helpful and dependable, they'll eventually 'get it' and help you out too.

They haven't and they won't. Perhaps they are busy, selfish or self-absorbed... none of that matters. The fact is, you've been doing for them, and that's worked out *really well* for them. For whatever reason (probably a deeper reason than what we'll ever get to here) the dynamic is such that your needs are ignored while theirs have precedent. They've bought into this thinking for a long time because it's worked for them.

But YOU don't have to.

My advice would be to be just as single-focused on your own family and needs. No more taking your leave days to help out others... let *them* scramble to find care if need be if it doesn't work for you. And a simple "I'm so sorry, that's just not going to work for us this time" is all the explanation they are entitled to.

I'm not saying to decline their every request, either. If it doesn't inconvenience you, your family, or your husband, and it feels like something *you are happy to help with*, by all means, help. We all feel good when we help others. What I'm asking you to do is to consider whether it's a situation of 'something you want to do' versus 'something I should do because they expect me to'.

Here's a question: what will happen if you *don't* help? If you choose to decline because helping is an inconvenience? If the answer is that you will be anxious or that family will be upset or gossip or grump, then there's something to be learned from that. It may be that your desire to help above and beyond is something you learned early on, to 'go with the flow' so as to keep the peace. It's okay and entirely understandable to want to keep the peace and please others... up to a point. However, if they are cool with you doing your own thing and not helping out, then I'd suggest looking further into why it is that you feel you must do for them if *they* don't care. Proving something to them or yourself?...

There are more and more times in life when I run a decision (which I think might only affect me) by my husband. He's a great sounding board and good at finding solutions I've missed, or seeing an imbalance and saying "you know, here's another idea". If your husband is noticing that you have a hard time saying "no", then run things by him. See what he thinks. His perspective might help you feel better about either saying 'yes' or 'no' to different requests. I know that having my husband's support makes saying "sorry, we can't" much easier. At least I know that if someone else is upset, I have him in my corner. :)

And no, do not 'conveniently forget'. It could leave someone in a lurch... An honest "no I can't" is better than shining someone on. You don't like it being done to you, so don't do it to others.

I would not do this over Christmas - there is usually enough stress already but I would bring this up with them later. Not angry but just plainly ask "Was there a reason why you didn't want to watch the kids? I was really in a bind and was hoping one of you could help me just as I did when I did X (fill in the blank) for you." Explain to them that they hurt your feelings and that you felt unappreciated and disrespected as a member of the family. My guess is they are used to you being a doormat and have, intentionally or not, forgotten about your feelings and needs over time. It's time to {politely} reassert yourself. If they don't respond and/or continue not to help you or act like family to you then you need to start reciprocating that same attitude to them. You CAN (and should) say NO {politely}!!!!

Um Mom2....

You're one comment: How do I change myself to screw them sometimes like they screw me? - I'm sorry but this attitude speaks VOLUMES about your heart and your mind set, and I can guarantee they already feel it from you.

Are you ungrateful when they help, meaning you just expect it? As in your mom is a professor and she has the week off....so she should just jump at the chance to babysit? I don't think so...

Perhaps there is a lack of give and take, but it's hard to ascertain from just one post here.

The bottom line, your children = your responsibility. Don't compare what you get to what other parents do for their adult children and grand children. That is not your family and not your life and not your circumstances.

It is very clear in your situation that you failed to call and nail down the details and a commitment. If they don't hear from you, they probably think you made other plans.

In the future, here is how I recommend you approach any of your family members..with the simple question phrased like this....

"Would you mind???...(fill in the request with very specific details....) watching my kids on Monday, from time to time. Would you prefer to watch them here or there? ...you figure out exactly what you need then ask for it. Then you must as an adult learn to respect their lives and their 'no.'

GL!! Sounds like some mutual respect is in order.

I am so sorry that this is what you are going through. I have the same problems with my family -- except, they usually get back to me, and often the answer is no.

You know, people often forget how hard it is to have little ones to raise. The fact that they need constant attention and supervision, and the hassle of finding the right person to do this is hard and stressful, especially if you are a working mother. People really forget how hard it is when it has been a while since you've been in that that position.'

For your own sanity, find care and do what you have to do to get your kids taken care of. Once your babysitter is able to take your kids back, then look for back up and double- triple - back up that is not your family.

Let this whole situation cool off for a while. Then, find a time to talk to your sis and your mom in person and let know know exactly how you feel. Use this post as your guide. Don't allow yourself to build resentment against your family -- that will bounce off them right onto you and cause you further stress that you do not need. But, so that you have a chance to respect your own feelings on this matter, let them know how their selfish ways are impacting you.

They may or may not change -- but you will feel much better having let them know. Good luck.

I used to have people do that to me. My mother never ever watched my children and was local, my sister decided to dump me when I got divorced even though I about raised her children up to school age while she moved on and almost has a doctorate. the others I won't go into and there are six adults. Very sad. Well, I decided you can think it, about how you'd like to get them back or stick it to 'em, but the truth is it really only hurts us and not them. So sadly, for people like us even saying no is hard, but sometimes we must do it. I guess the strongest thing we can do if 'no' is hard is to live our lives as they say, one day at a time and forgive them. Which is so hard. But that is what we must do.

Hi, Mom:
I understand how hurt you are with the change that happened in regards to your babysitting dilemma.
You are not like that to be mean on purpose.
Saying "NO" is so difficult.
Let me share an experience with you I had with saying "NO."
I stay with a woman and her son (37 y.o.) his GF and GF's daughter and the GF's friend in college when I go up there for my classes.
The 37 y.o. asked me in front of everyone if the 12 y.o. could have some of my egg nog. I said "NO." Everyone stared at me as if shock.
Later the 37 y.o. asked me why. I told him, first of all the girl needed to ask me and second of all, you asked me in front of everyone which would have forced me to say "YES" so I won't have been embarrassed.

Now for you. Decide what it is that you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do for the family.
Have plan B for yourself when your babysitter won't be available. You already know that you family doesn't help you in a pinch so get you another pinch hittter.
Learn to say "NO."
Do what you can and forget about the rest.
Always be honest.
Don't do anything in revenge, it will come back on you.
Do the best you can.
Good luck.
D.

I wouldn't necessarily look at it as "screwing them," but you definately need to learn to say no. You are a much better person than me, because if my sister did that to me after I had helped her out, I'd have some choice words for her. Just because they are family, doesn't mean they have the right to take advantage of you. The next time your mom needs someone to cover for her, remind yourself of this situation and just say no. When you begin saying no to them, you'll find yourself less let down because you won't be the one who's always giving.

You know your family better than any of us here. I would strongly recommend you manage your own expectations when it comes to them. Make some friends with people you could and would trust with your kids.

Your family isn't as giving as you which is fine for them up to the point it disturbs you. You have to begin to make some healthy boundaries for yourself.

Don't be so quick to say yes to them when they ask for something. Ask if you can get back to them in x time. This will give you an opportunity to check your schedule or perhaps just say no when it may be inconvenient for you to help them on their time schedule.

You can't control them. You can only ever control you. So find some other people to watch your kids, this may require you to watch their kids in return but I have always had a host of friends to trade off kids with and at one point I had 6 kids in my house so I was almost always owing someone some quality time for their kids at my house.

My family lives 3 states away and they are NEVER there for me and my family. I am always there when they need someone to talk to (of coures I can't bsit since I live so far away, but I would do it if I weren't) and travel up there to see them. This year I had a baby in sept so travelling for the holidays was not going to work out (we also have a 3 yr old), my mom is holding a grudge against me b/c I didn't travel, but I offered for her to come down and still haven't heard back from her. hmm... xmas is in a week so guess she's not coming. My point is one you're not alone and two I'm learning and this is what you might have to do-is lower your expectations of your family. Obviously, they have different priorities and if you don't have any expectations you won't be disappointed. I know this doesn't "solve" the problem you're having right now, but for the future just don't ask them if they're going to leave you hanging what's the point?