Trying to Be a Good Friend

Friendship goes both ways. It's important for you to tell her how you feel. From experience I can tell you that if the friendship is beneficial to both of you talking about how both of you feel will strengthen the friendship. A one way friendship is not good for either one.

I agree with S.H.'s recommendations.

S.T.

The only way to not get brought into the drama? There are several options..

1. Tell her ENOUGH is ENOUGH. This is the hardest as you will have to really be firm. You have given her advice - she has chosen not to take it.

2. Change the subject every time her marital problems come up.

3. Tell her that when you are together - it's a drama free zone - we need to concentrate on our future...we can't change the past...we can learn from it - but this time we have together right now? Drama free zone.

She may not like it. She may need to dump and if that's the case - tell her that while you want to support her - you think she needs a therapist to help her work through it all.

You are a friend... not a social worker nor Psychologist.
It is draining you. That is okay.
And her problems are ongoing and chronic.
And there is no end to it.
It is a hard situation for her.

So, tell her.
Before you get psychologically & emotionally.... burnt out.
Professionals, are able to "detach" from their clients problems.
But you are a friend. You are too close to be impartial and detached.
THUS, recommend to her, to find a Counselor so she can vent to that person.
As a friend, I am sure she does not want you to get... damaged yourself.

Being a good friend, ALSO means, knowing that, it is dragging down the other person. AND respecting that.

No friend, should be used as a dumpster.

Your friend needs to find a PROFESSIONAL to talk to.

I have gone through this too... BUT with relatives.
I had to... draw an end to it.
Because, it is just TOOOOOOOO mentally and emotionally, draining for me... and then, I get very unhappy.
And it drags you down and then affects your daily life, too.
NOT good.

You TELL your friend, you cannot do this anymore.

If this is truly how friends feel, I'm glad that I don't have any true friends. I have my God and he listens to me any time. I've had people that I thought were friends. But they were only there when I was bending over backwards doing things for them. No one seems to be there when life gets rough. I don't think a real friend should be too tired or too burnt out to listen to your drama. That is what being a good friend is. The word tells us to bear each others burdens.

That is not to say that there shouldn't be a time when you can take a break from it. I'm sure she needs it. But a true friend would let her unload and then talk her into doing something lighter to get her mind off of the problems.

If you want all your relationships to be fun and superficial, just know that when the dam breaks in your own life, no one will be there for you either.

.

I love Cheryl O's answer! Tell her you feel unable to counsel her tell and "if I'm forced to counsel you I will just say LEAVE the JERK so if you dont want to hear that let's make our friend ship a break from the drama" Then change the subject everytime it comes up and see if you can maintain a friendship....

We all want to be there for anyone we love/like but in reality, their drama can really weigh even the best of us down.

Being a good friend doesn't have to mean picking up the phone every time she calls, or dropping everything at the moment to listen to her.

Being a good friend means you let her know you support her. That can be through a note in the mail or a quick email or text, letting her know you are thinking of her.

If you don't mind being the shoulder she could cry on, then give her a timeframe when you can be available. Tell her you can't talk today but to call you tomorrow after the kids leave for school or when they go to bed at night, when you have more time and won't be distracted and can give her your full attention. Or suggest a time in the next week you can meet for lunch.

I think that you would be the best friend possible if you encouraged her to see a therapist who can help her work through her anger and marital problems. So when she complains, simply tell her that you aren't qualified to help with her problems, and she needs to see a therapist to talk about her issues. You will probably need to repeat this over and over, but if you do this and refuse to engage in the conversation, you can step out of the drama.

And if possible, maybe you could even offer to watch her child once a week for an hour so that she can go to therapy.

Change the subject, listen only, don't offer advise and don't get in the middle.

Hi ST. My guess is that she is terrified. With very young children the prospect of becoming a single parent is terrifying and the move to actually go for it is incredibly hard. It takes a lot of courage and a willingness to realize you may have very little for your children maybe not even a place to live. Food for them, etc. It is scary and she only found out 3 months ago, that is not long. My guess is that she is incredibly hurt, but can't fathom doing this alone, and so is too afraid to leave. I am a single Mom and it is hard. I worry all the time. I am so blessed to have what I do have. And yet the fear is always there that I could lose everything in a moment. If she does not have a permanent home to live in, the prospect of being alone is even scarier. A temporary place is great but there is the fear that it won't last. think about that yourself, with your own kids, how you would feel being alone. It is hard to put ourselves in other people's shoes. What she really needs is help for a plan to leave. She needs her own bank account and she needs to be saving money into that account. Her hubby does not need to know about this if it will cause more strife. If she is employed that is great, but if not, her prospects for income may be very limited(and she may not make enough to put the children in daycare). She should apply for public housing, welfare, and food stamps. And she should immediately apply for a divorce, as well as child support/alimony. Now telling her any of this all at once would probably be too overwhelming to her. But you may suggest a first step, like beginning to save some money in her account just in case she decides to leave in the future. Just giving that one piece of advice, and not suggesting she leave, but begin to offer her ways to make it happen. Little by little she may realize she can do it, and that may take months and months of little changes, and doing things with support. Now for the drama you don't want to be a part of, well, if you want to remain a good friend the best thing to do is when there is drama just speak the truth of it back to her. Don't get involved in it, just listen and speak it back. Sometimes just knowing that we are heard is enough. Now if you are getting in the middle of things, that is sticky and uncomfortable and you can just not do that. You can still be a good friend by listening and talking on the phone but not running over there when there is a crisis. She also may not realize how much drama there is. Her fears may be blinding her as well as her struggle to just live her life right now. She is probably trying her best to protect her kids while surviving the situation herself. The best thing for her would be to leave as I am sure you know, and have told her. And she may be able to do it. If with help and support she still refuses to do anything, then you can explain how you feel. Even now you can tell her how the drama affects you, it may be good for her to hear that. She may not realize how bad it is, or be having a hard time facing it. Telling her how you feel is always a good thing. It will make you feel better and help her to be aware how she affects others and that she has not been alone in this. Anyway, you are a good friend for going this far to help.

Stop participating.

If she wants to yammer on about her chaos and drama while you nod politely and fold laundry - cool. But she ain't "dragging" you anywhere. You're going voluntarily. It takes two - own your part and you'll know what to do.

You can't-if you are truly a friend-you've got to be willing to get in the trench with her.