MIL Thinks Theres Marital Problems!

That's ironic. Thier family issues are being projected onto your family. You wouldn't be doing all that shmucking all over town if they could all be in the same room. So, as a result she thinks it's your relationship that's in trouble! ha. Invite her to your house for a weekend. You shouldn't be the only ones travelling. Maybe she will get a differant view of your family if she sees you in your "natural environment."

You and your husband have it right. Do not listen or take advise from others outside your marriage. You seem happy with how you and hubby are, keep it that way and do not listen to a MIL. She has no idea how you both are, she has no idea because she does not live with you. Stay happy !

Tell her that you don't discuss the drama unless it affects you. You are happily married but the chaos you feel when you visit stresses you guys out. If they were to visit in your element they would see you as you are.

I think you husband is right when he says "we should not let others define our relationship by what they see." Let it go.

MILs can be that way. Mine thought that Dan and I should spend more time together just because once in a while we make a play date for our only child-boy on a Saturday! I tell her- we are together then too. Just because I have my friend and her daughter there. I just tell her and leave it. As for your case, basing a relationship statys upon a strained external family visit is just crazy! None of us are at the norm. My family is crazy but my husbands is not but his mother does have different ideas. The problem? They are from a time in history that your man was all that and a cup cake. It was the woman's duty to make him happy and such. If you ever want a good laugh read the article "The 50's Guide on How to be a Good Wife". That is where they are coming from. I'm just guessing your mother in law's age but it still was stuck in most women in the 60s as well. Depending on how they were raised. Also a little tid bit. My same friend was approached by her MIL when she was sick for a while and asked her if she felt bad about not performing her wifely duties! I'm telling you - crazy talk. I just accept my MIL since she is not going to change and sadly enough your's is not going to either. Try to find a way to make it sane by accepting that this is not her world anymore. I wish you the best!

As the mother of two sons I can tell you that her behavior sounds inappropriate - I truly cannot imagine doing such a thing to my future daughters-in-law, barring extreme circumstances.

Another mom mentioned that she is projecting - I agree.

You should never allow ANYONE to get between you and your husband, including your respective mothers. A good mom wouldn't want to do such a thing anyway. Where is she going with that?

Some boundaries are in order here . . . JMO.

What I'm seeing, and I could be totally wrong of course, is not that you and your husband are having marital problems but that you don't have any boundaries when it comes to family. It's time for you 2 to make some rules when you go visit. For example, we are here to visit X family. If other people want to come over and visit fine. If cousin C and step-stister S don't get along, that's not your problem. You guys are getting yanked around and aren't setting up any boundaries. . . no wonder your little guy is a wreck! Check out "Boundaries" by Townsend and McCloud. The book literally changed my life.

Its in your mother in laws head. Sounds like she is trying to create drama. Ignore her. My hubby and I have been together and married for 13 years. We have very little in common other than we love each other and our family. It works for us.

LOL, You sound like you have a great relationship with your husband. It's comendable that you respect your differences and seem to delight in it. Your extended family situation sounds trying and again, it's great that you both realize it and realize it is stressful. I agree with your husband, ignore your MIl. This could be another source of humor if you let it be ;-). If she's not reassured that has NOTHING to do with you and if she loves the drama (UGH) she probably really doesn't want to be reassured. Could you imagine if she brought it up and you stiffled a chuckle, or you and your husband gave each other mischevious looks? LOL, I'm not beyond playing with someone if they won't give up a ridiculous notion.

If it feels OK, comfortable,
see if you can set up a conversation w/your husband, you, and MIL.
Baby is off w/an aunt or cousin for a little while.
Your conversation is somewhere where you won't be interrupted.
So . . . . MIL . . . . what is it you see that concerns you?
She answers.
You and hubby both respond w/your own reactions/truths.
Separately.
Not interrupting one another.
What else, MIL?
You and hubby both respond, separately.
See if you can get all of her concerns out during this conversation.
Ideally, it should take less than 20 minutes altogether.
Good luck.

It is between your husband and you how your relationship is going. Don't let anyone else put ideas in your head. You both know what works for you not anyone else. At least you don't have to see them often, but if they get too nosy, you just have to tell them to stay out of it. Sometimes you have to distance yourselves from family members when there is drama. She might have wanted to vent and you can listen and don't buy into it. My MIL in will tell all about the drama in the family and we just listen and nod. We don't say anything because if we do our words will always get miscommunicated. If your relationship is working for the two of you, then keep doing what your doing. Otherwise, try different things to make that much stronger. Good luck.

Hubby has got it right about the marriage thing. Unless you are unhappy, take MIL's advice with a smile and nod and change the subject. As for your trips all over the place with a crabby kid in tow--invite everyone to your place. Do smaller groups of people that get along or big groups and just expect everyone to act like an adult.

If your marriage is fine and things are running smoothly then I would not worry about it. My MIL would love it if my husband and I had marital problems. She tried very hard to break us up, I think she is getting tired of trying and so has relaxed a little, I don't know. My grandma always said: You don't know what goes on in the bedroom. Meaning, no one knows but the couple themselves if their marriage is good or not. Outsiders may think one thing, but could possibly be something else. I would not worry or do anything. Just keep loving your husband.

You spoke so eloquently about you relationship with your husband, why are you allowing his mother to cut in on your marriage dance. Don't go borrowing or looking for trouble where there is none. Our imaginings have a tendancy to become our new realities. Don't let that happen to you. Continue to keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. I would be curious to pick MIL's brain to find out where her thinking is coming from. Sometimes our experiences create rose colored glasses for us and we see our horrible experiences in the lives of others whether they are there or not. Listen to your husband on this and live a happy life. As for the visits with the relatives I may opt to stay in a hotel and meet up with those who get along well at a local restaurant or bowling alley or something like that. You are then having an activity and/or food, a set time to be with them and then you can go when you are ready and you won't have them barging in on you and upsetting the baby.

Oi mother in laws... I would tell her that things are really fine, and that if you seemed stressed when you visit, it's because you are! Traveling with a 2 year old is hard, whether for a weekend or 2 weeks. You can give her all the reasons that being away form home is more challenging than being in the comfort of your own home and then add, " but family is really important to us, so we make the effort."

Maybe you could invite her to your house so she can see how things can be different. There's nothing worse than having to feel like you have to watch everything little thing you say and do because of what other people are thinking. It's really not any of her business. But I hear you when you say you respect her. In some ways though, it really is a different generation of thinking and a different time in life. When we see my husband's mom, I don't really care who moved out of the neighborhood or who died. I don't know any of those people and my husband hasn't seen them in 30 years. But it's something to gossip about...

I would listen to you husband. You both seem based in the reality that while your marriage may not be perfect, it's still good for you and you're happy.

Good luck!

You've already gotten some really great feedback, and your relationship sounds open and honest, and you should be careful not to let someone else's angst become your own. Maybe its all about projection. Either she dislikes you and is trying to undermine your relationship or maybe she had similar issues in her own marriage and is trying to help you head-off the same at the pass. Like others have suggested, maybe call her up and ask her what particular things makes her think that way, and ask her what she would be doing differently. Listen objectively, and then give her examples of why you think the relationship works, and why you adore the son she did such a good job raising (a little buttering up won't hurt hopefully). If she has valuable suggestions, tell her you hadn't thought of it that way, make note of them and talk to your hubby about it later. If her reasons are very general, then maybe gently let her know that you and your hubby have agreed to run your relationship in this way and that it's working for you, that marriage is not a cookie-cutter institution, and that if there's nothing more specific that you can work on, then you'd prefer that she not continue to create tension by making these unfounded assertions.

C.,
I agree with you hubby if YOU feel your relationship is just fine, then it is. My mom and dad have been married for over 30 years, 12 of which my grandma (Mom's mom) thought my mom was in an abusive relationship and that my dad mistreated her and she feared he beat my mom!!!. Truth is since my dad has no family AT ALL he relies too much on my mom for everything and they have always been together, for everything, and my dad is really not a people's person so my grandma perceived him as controlling, and it wasn't until my grandma stayed with us when my younger sister was born that she really knew the dynamics of my mom's and dad relationship.
Only you and your husband know your relationship, no one else, no matter how close, to your family they are, they are not a part of your relationship. You don't have to explain the status of your marriage to anyone, and can always graciously change the subject.
If you ever feel unhappy with your relationship, then its still something you have to work out with your hubby, no one else.
Its good that your MIL is worried about you though, just don't pay attention to that little detail.
Good Luck!

You've received a lot of great responses - your relationship is definitely between yourself and your husband. If you guys are fine with everything then it sounds like your MIL has something else going on that she needs to deal with. We also have TONS of family living close - once every two months seems like a lot to be dragging a 2.5 year old around to a bunch of separate family. It appears as though some boundaries may need to be set by you and your husband regarding your family as a whole. It will definitely help in the long run and in 10 years your teenage son won't be dreading these family visits every two months! Good luck and keep true to yourself!

Oh no girl, I say put your foot down!! I squashed that business early on in my marriage and had to do it again here recently. Like one time at a family holiday dinner my hubby and I were sort of "bickering" you know how it is sometimes...anyhoo..my MIL walks in and says something like "ok, ok, let's calm down.." Girl I told her to she did not have to worry I knew how to talk to MY man;) I said it kind of loud and a little playfully but firm enough that she got the point and did back down. Also, my mom has tried to butt in here and there and I told her straight "Mom, I know how to deal with MY husband!" I know it sounds harsh, but I had to. Our mamas are the absolute best and love us so much, but they cannot mommy our relationship. That's our job. So if it were me and my MIL made any kind of comment I would say "you have nothing to be concerned about WE know how to run OUR marriage, but thanks for thinking of us;)" If you had a little twinkle in your eye, you can get away with almost anything!!! Plus you have the grandbabies, they can't stay mad forever:D Just how I handle it, good luck!!

She really sees you at your best, doesn't she? :)

I wouldn't worry. She sees you when you are traveling and stressed and we always take it out on our spouses. My husband and I visited some of my cousins in England during our honeymoon and I was SOOOO pissy, they probably thought it was going to last. But we were traveling, staying with family and never really got that down time to relax and be ourselves. We were always "on", and with thin walls, there isn't much time to just vent amoungst ourselves.

Don't overthink it. If it bothers you, and if she has said something, call her up and let her know that with all the stress of traveling and visiting that you ended up bickering, but that there is nothing to worry about. That you love each other very much and that that isn't a normal day in your life. Otherwise, just let it go.