Hi mommas~ about 9 months ago my husband told a little white lie about chewing tobacco. I had asked him why his teeth looked so awful, he blamed it on gummy coke candies. He felt bad later that night so he told me the truth. I think he thought I was more upset about the chewing tobacco than the lie itself. He promised not to chew again, and apologized for lying to me. I accepted and told him I didn't like the idea of the chew, but he is an adult and can make that decision for himself. He still maintained he wouldn't chew again. This is the only time during our marriage that I am aware he has lied. We've been married for 6 years.
So to move forward, this spring I was looking for something in his truck. When I opened up the console, there was 2 containers of chew. I felt very hurt that he again would hide this from me. I didnt say anything to him about it, but really thought about how I should approach the hiding things from me. Almost a month later, I found myself questioning his honesty and doubting him. I didn't like feeling that way, so I approached him and explained the finding the chew and how it made me feel and now I feel like he may feel it is okay to hide things from me and in a sense to me that is as bad as lying. He said he felt bad that I would doubt him and that his actions made room for me to have those feelings.
A couple of days ago he said he was going over to a co-workers for fantasy football picks. It was to start at 5pm. After he left, I decided I needed to make a run to the grocery store. I left nearly 35 minutes after he did. The co-worker lives exactly 2 blocks from our house. On my way to the grocery store, there I see him driving toward me nearly 6 blocks past the co-workers house. My heart about jumped out of my chest. I couldn't believe he wasnt where he said he was going to be. I spoke with him and he said he had to run to the bank prior to going. I wanted to believe him, but there is the doubt thing coming up in my mind/heart. moms, have you ever had experience with this sort of thing? Do you have any advice? I love my husband and my family so much, I do not want this issue to become more than it should, but I also know that I need some advice on how to work through or with him to resolve this because trust is so very important to any relationship! Thank you in advance!!
Thank you so much for all of your responses. There are so many perspectives to look at and I think it is exactly that; I need to decide what perspective to take. I realize that maybe I am over thinking the situation and I need to keep it positive and move forward. Thank you again for all of your very thoughtful comments!
The chew is the concern. My friend 32 died of esophogial(sp) cancer and it went into the jaw bone as well as his clavecal. Half his face was gone before he died. The bank thing, I think you are reaching. You gotta pay the fantasy football pool upfront. But get the chew away from him, pronto
I have to agree with Carla. In fact, you told your husband that "he is an adult and can make that decision for himself." Because you further expressed your negative feelings about the tobacco (which you have every right to do), he probably "promised" you in a well-meaning moment of remorse over his habit. That doesn't mean that he didn't regret his promise later, when feeling either social pressure or the addictive lure of the drug, and was ashamed or otherwise reluctant to tell you about backsliding.
But it is his decision, and you may well have little "secrets" about your cravings, desires and habits (spending on little splurges? a sweet tooth? clothing sales? romance novels? gossip? etc?).
And to a very large degree, it is your choice whether or not to trust him, too. One way to help with this is to be sure that lines of communication are open, with both of you able to freely express your feelings, needs, ans wishes to each other. Since you are having this discomfort, own up to it and talk to him. Do this sooner rather than later if you don't want it to become an issue that drags your relationship down. Speak in terms of YOUR feelings and YOUR needs, not what he does or your suspicions about him. Be sure he hears from you clearly that it's much more important to you that you hear the truth than some story that he thinks will make you happy.
Consider that if he's messing around in ways detrimental to your relationship, evidence will begin to surface. You won't have to go looking for it. It's possible that the bank story will soon be followed by other events, and there will be changes in his attitude and availability that that you can't ignore.
And if he's NOT messing around, the bank story will probably check out (if you want evidence one way or another, look for a deposit or withdrawal on your statement).
Suspicion is in itself terribly detrimental to the health and longevity of a relationship. A partner under constant suspicion will begin to hide behaviors, preferences and habits, rather than have to explain them.
ULTIMATELY... would you want him to continue to have to 'lie' about it to you.... or be honest with you, despite him chewing tobacco???
He is lying... because he knows you do not approve of it. He is like a scared child... 'hiding' it.
Trust....is as much being honest, as well as accepting the other person..... through thick and thin... and knowing, that bottom line... there is honesty in there. Even with mistakes.... AND being 'able' to tell each other things.
If you are concerned about his health, then you can voice that calmly. And perhaps, IF he wants to quit, he can seek advice from his Doctor.
But, he should not have to lie about it... and hiding about it or making up stories.
What if for example, he didn't want you to wear make-up for whatever reason. So then, how does that make you feel? Would you wear make-up when he is not around, just because it makes you feel better and it is your choice? Or would you want him to continue to decide for you... about your use of it???
I know make-up is not the same as tobacco... but the principal is the same. Some people abhor make-up and consider it a health risk and a bad environmental impact on our skin etc.
Men... do not like being mis-trusted. Sure for women too. But for Men... their identity/well being in a marriage is derived importantly, from HOW their Wife, views them.
all the best,
Susan
Hi JS, As I read through this, the first thing that stands out to me is why a grown man has to promise his wife he won't chew. I can understand that you don't like it, but he is grown. I don't like cigarette smoking, but my husband is grown and I just make him smoke outside. No promises, when it is inside my house, it affects me, so he can do it outside. If he smokes inside the car, I just tell him to clean it and get the smell out. But I can't ask that he never do it again and if I do, I might expect he WILL lie to me.
You have a bank statement you can look at online, does the story match?
I'm not against checking on him, but you can't let him know you are doing so or he is going to feel like your child. If you find that there is something wrong, then approach him, otherwise you are going to drive both of you crazy.
Hi J.S. I would feel the same way as you. My husband lies about the stupid stuff sometimes. I think he is afraid he will get in trouble by me or something. He one time watched me search for hours thinking I lost our ATM card, then he pretended he found it in my car. I thought I lost my mind, lol. That night I was doing laundry and going through all the papers in his pockets, not snooping but didn't want to throw away any of his work receipts that he needed to expense, and I come across one in the pants he wore that day for a medium coffee that was paid via my ATM card. I remember getting so pissed and having a huge fight because I couldn't understand why he didn't just tell me he had it and save me the headache of looking everywhere. He said he thought I would be mad that he bought a coffee. Are you kidding me. I told him I am not his mom and can buy a coffee, or lunch, or a new car for that matter, just be honest. I checked our statement and sure enough the only charge was for $2.12. All that over nothing. I swear sometimes these men can act like little boys.
Sadly he has planted the seed of doubt, so I think it's totally natural for you to not trust him now. He hid the chew from you the first time, was caught, then turned around and lied again! So he has left his character open for not being trustworthy, for being a liar. Tobacco products are highly addictive, so maybe he just hasnt been able to kick this habit, and doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he can't/wont quit. But again, he now looks like a liar. I would keep my eyes and ears open. And trust your womans intuition. And if you keep finding other things he's lying about, theres obviously a problem. But he could very well be innocent though otherwise. You're just going to have to keep an eye out! Good luck
1. Men who think that they are going to get lectured or nagged or yelled at or glared at or any kind of conflict will often lie to their wives, especially over things like chewing tobacco. It isn't so much of a character flaw as the way a man's brain works - they see it as white lies to avoid a fight.
2. If you start looking for lies and questioning what he is doing, it is going to make you resent him, feel suspicious, and in general cause bad feelings. Leave it all alone and let it go. Remember, you have probably told white lies to people before to avoid hurting their feelings, and that is what he is most likely doing to you.
3. Yes, I have had experience with this sort of thing. Your husband will resent you and lie more, the more you try and police him. If you let it go and accept him for who he is, he will most likely stop lying about the chew and other things.
4. Do not watch Lifetime movies or ask women for advice too much. Usually women think like women, men think like men. I used to think my husband was a bad guy and all my girl friends agreed. But when I asked males (i.e. male clergy, male counselors, books that understand the male perspective), I realized my husband was just a normal guy - not a good or bad one, just normal. Don't blow all this out of proportion or things will get worse, not better.
I wouldn't worry too much about the money/bank thing. If he's choosing fantasy football picks, they usually have to pay up front.
As for the chew, I think he really needs to consider how much of a strain it puts on the pocket book every week.
Also, some people would say chewing is safer than smoking but chewing can cause cancer of the tongue. Eddie Van Halen for a good example.
I would concerned about the chew. Not really as a trust thing, but as a "you're doing something unhealthy that could take you away from me and our children prematurely" issue. I have the same kind of concern with my husband's weight, but we're working on that :)
In light of the untruthfulness with the chew, the whole bank incident would probably raise red lights with me as well. Sometimes it's the little issues that turn out to be the things that cause couples to split.
You both need to sit down and discuss all of this in a non-threatening way. I know that sounds like an impossible task; you may need to call in professional help to do it, like a marriage counselor or a minister. You have to decide for yourself how much you trust him.
I don't think there are any husbands and wives who tell each other EVERYTHING. Matter of fact, I don't want my husband to tell me every single detail about everything; it would drive me nuts and vice versa.
Sounds like he has an addiction and I'm certain that he feels like he needs to hide it because he is not proud of the habit either. I've known people who use chewing tobacco and it's as addicting, if not more, than cigarettes. If I were you, I would sit down with him and try and have a calm discussion. Tell him that you love him, that you want to see him live a long life and that you are concerned for his health and well being. If you have children, you can also tell him that you want him to live a long life to your children grow up. You may want to seek counseling if you feel that you cannot reach him. His honesty with you is important, but it is important for you to understand also, that this is NOT about you. It's about something that he is struggling with... It's affecting your ability to trust him and you can also explain that to him in a non-attacking, non-defensive manner.
I'd just keep my eye out. Little lies sometimes are a sign of bigger lies. Don't get paranoid just don't be blind. My ex husband lied about little stupid stuff and long behold he had a huge lie that ended our marriage :( Doesn't always work out that way obviously but just giving my 2 cents. Does the bank usually take half an hour? Has he had wierd calls/texts? Does he erase his phone/emails? Are ya'll open about any online profiles? It could go on and on. I'd be pissed he lied to me about the chew! But my pet peeve is liars. Just be real!
If the chew is truly the only lie then it could've been how you said you reacted... if your too harsh he'll hide it just so he doesn't have to argue or to not disappoint you... let him know what can happen, why you don't like it (pics of mouth cancer or the holes in the mouth, yes), and he shouldn't feel he needs to hide things. But naturally, I'd wonder what else he could hide as far as you said the 1st time his teeth showed his habit, the 2nd time they didn't.... he just got better at hiding it.
To give yourself peace of mind in this particular instance, you could verify that there was a transaction with the bank during that time-frame. Try to keep communication open with your husband. Pray. Best wishes. - K.
I have a lot to say.....but I'll just keep it simple...basically...the ONLY person you can ever trust is yourself.
