Trouble with Thanksgiving and Mother in Law

I don't even want to think about thanksgiving. There is way toO much foolishness with my one sons fiancé going on right now. My husband wants to take me away and two of us have a good time. I don't want to punish the other five kids and their significant others who are so nice and wonderful.You know? I like making the food I is relaxing and fun for me.

I am still chuckling at the ´selfishˋ comment. Who is selfish? Your MIL because she loves Thanksgiving?

Or your husband who gets to spend 3 holidays and every other weekend with his family but can’t see yours because...he doesn’t like them? Poor guy. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black....

I agree with the other´s, you have a relationship problem with your husband. I don’t know if you are putting yourself in a subservient relationship with your current husband because of your ex husband, or if current husband has threatened you, but it is quite dysfunctional and you guys need help from a professional. If he won’t go, please go on your own to get help.

Repeating patterns of abuses is so damaging to self esteem. Please get yourself some help.

Your post title is all wrong. Instead of "Trouble with Thanksgiving and Mother in Law" it should read "I Can't Communicate My Feelings To My Husband And I'm Afraid To Tell Him I Went Behind His Back - What Should I Do?"

By the by, why DID you even ask her to move it? Why couldn't you have shown up after the meal for dessert?

It amazes me how the holidays brings out the drama in heaps.
You and Hubby need to talk.
If you are afraid to talk to your partner in life - you are still suffering fallout from your prior relationship - and you need to clear that up.
Please get some counseling to help you with your emotional recovery

Really - what's the worst that could happen?
Will he blow up and shout?
So what! - let him!
(For crying out loud - you should be able to do some shouting yourself and feel secure about doing it.)
If he does - sounds like you might still be in a verbally abusive situation and need the counseling to deal with that.

Why is there so much drama? I don't get this. We share holiday's. One year my family does Thanksgiving, the next is his. Christmas is reversed, my family then his.

You should have NEVER asked your MIL to change her time. Your husband should have told her you would be arriving late.

You created this drama by not having your husband deal with his mother. You need to apologize for causing drama.

You and your husband need to get on the same page. If your former husband was abusive, why are you carrying that junk into this marriage? If you are walking on egg shells around your husband? You don't have much of a marriage. STOP with the drama.

Sit down with your husband and work out a holiday schedule for BOTH of your families. Trade off. Once you have kids? You'll want your own traditions and the families should fit in with YOUR FAMILY tradition. And by YOUR family?? I mean your husband and your kids, not your mom and dad.

Stop with the drama.
Stop with the egg shells.
Figure this out like an adult.

He is not sweet and kind. I don't care if he hates spending time with your family he is supposed to love YOU and that means caring about your feelings.
I'm really sorry you're in another relationship where you are not valued. I hope that you can find the strength to say to him, "you know, I spend a lot of time with your family, and I'm happy to do it, but on this Thanksgiving I'm going to be with mine. I really hope you'll join me."
Your husband's actions speak a lot louder than words. Even is he is not "verbally abusing" you he is not treating you with respect :-(

I can't really tell who asked you first. I wouldn't expect anyone to change their plans for me personally.

I just wouldn't eat a lot at either and make an appearance. I'd let them know I was attending both and they can decide if they want to push ahead/move back their times to accommodate you.

That being said, I think you were out of line going to your MIL behind your husband's back. His family - he handles it. That's what I was always told, by my mother and I think a counselor would tell you the same thing.

So let him handle his side, you yours. How would you feel if he contacted your SIL and asked her to move the lunch up? You wouldn't like it.

If you're not comfortable talking to your husband, that's a bigger issue. I don't know about the momma's boy thing. If he takes her side over yours, that's another issue again.

You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. He hates your family? You spend Tgiving, Christmas Day and every weekend (or at least he does), and that's not enough? You are either pissed at him or afraid of him - you went directly to his mother (which has good and bad reasons behind it) but worse, you're AFRAID to tell him. So he's not so sweet and kind, is he? He doesn't take your feelings into account.

I'd get into counseling for this, with the understanding that it's not about Thanksgiving just 10 days away, but about your marital communications long term. You cannot walk on eggshells because you were in a prior abusive relationship. Either you chose better the second time around, or you didn't and you need to take action again to help yourself.

In the short run, I think you have some decisions to make. You either:
1) eat 2 Thanksgiving dinners (your parents at noon, then hop in the car by 1:45 at the latest to make it to MIL's house). Understand that you will be full, and will either insult your parents by eating less and leaving, or insult your MIL by arriving in the nick of time and having no appetite. Or both.

OR

2) you stick to your original plan/invitation and talk to your MIL (hat in hand, apologizing) and say you fear the time frame won't work after all, you appreciate her willingness to move the dinner to 3 but you realize you're trying to please everyone which won't work). But you talk to your husband first, and say you talked to her on your own to try to be the go-between for both families, and it's not going to work. You tell him you're either going to your parents for Tgiving and his mother for Christmas, or the other way around. Perhaps you let him choose which way he wants to do it since you engineered this without talking to him. BUT you don't cave in on wanting to spend at least one major holiday with your own family, which you hope he will attend. If he does not, then you tell him what you are doing and you go do it. If that means you are doing something without him, then you have confirmation that your marriage isn't based on communication and mutual respect for feelings, and you increase your sessions with the counselor.

Have you talked to a counselor about your previous relationship? It seems to me that your problem is not with your MIL. It's with your interactions with your husband. You went behind his back, and now you are afraid to tell him - neither of which are good for your marriage. Please, talk to someone so that you can learn to deal with the fallout from your previous relationship so that it doesn't ruin your current marriage.

As for how you should approach him, you should just tell him - Since you didn't want to talk to your mom about Thanksgiving, I did it for you. And here's plan plan for the day...

This is a husband problem not a MIL problem IMO.

When we were first married, we used to go to my husband’s families thanksgiving and then to my mom’s house. I soon realized this was not fair to either host. Meal prep for Thanksgiving is a lot of work. I felt that by only eating a little at each house we weren’t being fair to either host. We now go to my parents on Thanksgiving and my in-laws on Christmas Eve. We host Christmas Day.

You and your husband need to come to an agreement that will work for both of you.

I feel for you. And your husband. I am going to make an assumption (ok, ok, I know that can get me in trouble, but...) that he has a good reason for not liking your family. And I give kudos for his family including your parents in their previous Thanksgiving dinners.

It is so common for there to be a "dominant" or "preferred" set of in-laws in families and customs become set for a variety of very good reasons. Now the situation here is that your family has changed and you would like to change your custom of how to spend Thanksgiving. Please consider this an opportunity for your to work with your husband, resisting the memories of past relationships, and forging new ways to compromise. I would approach him with a planned time for discussion set aside one evening, an honest discussion of what you want to do on Thanksgiving and honestly listening to his thoughts. Then make a plan together. Any communication to his Mom should be agreed as his responsibility. Same for you with your family. And never, ever, chat with your family about his discomfort with them. All my best.

Well, you went ahead and spoke to MIL on your own, so now you have to tell your husband. Take it as a learning experience. Buck up and just tell him. His reaction will tell you if your fears are justified, or if he truly is sweet and you are carrying baggage from your previous marriage. If it goes badly, I would be thinking about marriage counseling. He balks at spending time with your family, yet you trudge through all sorts of holidays and weekends at his? This is a problem that I could not tolerate. Talk to your husband. Explain your rationale and feelings like you did here. See what he says and does. This can be the template for how you and he talk and deal with issues in the future as well.

It's so easy to put this on your MIL or your family, but really, this is about you and your husband coming together and deciding what you will do for Thanksgiving. You've been invited to your MIL's and your brother's. The two of you need to talk about it and decide together what you will do. Maybe you just go to one house, maybe you go to both, maybe you and your husband don't do the same thing. But you still decide together.

I've been so blessed, because my parents have always been willing to do Thanksgiving on a different day, and they always get Christmas Eve. My MIL used to insist on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day, and that worked out for us. Now her daughter (because of her husband's work schedule) generally can't do those days, and MIL has had to accept the Saturday after Thanksgiving and a Saturday before or after Christmas.

The thing is, the actual day just isn't that big of a deal!!! What's more important is having some nice, relaxing time together with family. If you want to spend time with your family, find a way to spend time with your family. Just do your best to not let it get stressful in the process.

Welcome to mamapedia, L..

Why did you approach your mother in law instead of having your husband do it? I don't get why your family can't work to her schedule since they had the drama going on and messed up your side of the family celebrating. I truly don't get this. My family couldn't be on the "outs" not for more than a day or two. This is absolute bull pucky.

WHY are you scared of your husband? If he's so sweet? You shouldn't have ANY issues communicating to him what is going on. It sounds like you are projecting your EX-HUSBAND's behavior onto your husband. Or is he really abusive and you don't want to admit it?

I am the baby of the family - my brother is 5 years older than me and my sister is 7 years older than me. When they married? They switched off families for Holiday's - that was ALL that are "family oriented", i.e. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mothers/Fathers day. Both families worked together to ensure time was given all around. Sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and talk about what YOU TWO want for the holiday's and what YOU TWO will do once you have kids.

The fact that your husband "HATES" spending time with YOUR FAMILY is a HUGE RED FLAG. HUGE. He's not sweet and kind. open your eyes. Your marriage is in DEEP DO-DO!!

You are in a tight spot! But I feel like it's mostly that because of the inflexibility of others. You are trying to make everyone happy and making yourself miserable in the process. Ok- so in an ideal world you wouldn't have gone around hubby to MIL. I would not get into the whole his family vs your family dynamics, that will just escalate things. Just tell him that you did end up asking her, and that you're sorry if he's mad that you went over his head. And then just say nice things about how gracious she was to move things a little. Tell him that working it out for both families is important to you, and you are grateful to his mom for helping facilitate that. That's the best you can do at this point. If he's a mommas boy he'll appreciate the kind words about his mom. Good luck!

Sounds like you're trying to please everyone except yourself. You're twisting your self in knots to not offend anyone. Does that make you happy? In my experience, no one is happy and you become the focus for their complaints.

I suggest you and your husband decide what both of you want. Perhaps you eat at home or at a restaurant leaving time to go for desert. If you can't agree' I suggest you go to your family and he goes to his. I've known couples that do this.

In my family of birth and my current family, we are flexible. My daughter decides when she'll serve dinner. She cooks the dinner and tells us at what time she's serving. When my family was alive, I nearly always joined the parents, brothers, aunts and uncles because we loved each other and I enjoyed being with them. I would not go to anyone's dinner if I didn't have fun. If you and your husband are only going because going is an obligation, do what the two of you want to do on your own. You could spend an hour without dinner with each on the same day.

After counseling, I was able to do what I wanted to do without trying to make anyone happy. I was me and they were them. I recognize that each person is responsible for their own happiness.

i'm sorry you're stuck between such strong opinions, and a little alarmed at your being afraid to approach your husband.

being a momma's boy is a good thing. i'm glad he loves his mom. but being okay with his wife getting yoinked around rather than ask mom to be just a little gracious and accommodating?

so not okay.

i think your tactic of asking your MIL to simply back her dinner plans up an hour or two is perfectly acceptable. i'm sorry she got upset and is being a baby about it. it's not HER holiday- it's a family holiday. what she deserves after guilt-tripping you is for you not to come at all.

and your 'sweet kind' husband has a hitch in his gitalong if he thinks his mom should be 100% pandered to but is pissy about spending time with yours.

the obvious solution is that you go to your (delightfully accommodating) family and he goes to his mother the martinet.

i suspect you're too much on the Pleaser end of the spectrum to be that adamant.

what i hope you'll do is refuse to take any blowback from your husband and lay it out to him firmly and without apology. and do whatever it is YOU feel is the best compromise.

if you can't approach him without trepidation, you have a lot of inner work yet to do. no shame in that. but think long and hard about old patterns re-establishing themselves. it's probably more subtle with this husband, but it would seem that an unhealthy old dynamic is still at work.

i'm not going to see either of my kids this thanksgiving. bummer. i adore my kids (and their women) and would rejoice if they were going to make it here. but i totally understand that they are all in with spending the day with their gals' families, and want them to enjoy it without trying to do hours worth of driving and try to stuff in two huge meals. i'll see them all over the holiday weekend, and a wonderful time will be had by all.

i laid down the law with both families when we had little boys to consider first. i have vowed never to guilt-trip my kids over holidays.

i hope you get to where you can do the same for yourself.

ETA after reading the other responses i'm editing this a little because i agree, going to your MIL without talking to your husband first really set you up to be in the hot seat here. better all round would be to iron it out with your 'sweet kind' (huh) husband and have him deal with his mom. if that isn't going to happen, separate Thanksgiving celebrations.

good luck.
khairete
S.

how did it turn into his mother being so bad and you just agreeing to spend time with them? what jumps out to me is your parents have had some issue and your MIL kindly included them at her house. Now you all don’t need MIL so she’s selfish etc? Not saying there shouldn’t be a compromise but don’t forget she kindly hosted your parents when something was wrong with their relationship with your brother.

Your husband is not “sweet” all the time—maybe much of the time & maybe when he gets his way. Just be nice. Tell him you asked his mom. There is nothing wrong with your MIL wanting what she wants either. You can both attend your families early lunch & (you don’t give the distances), your husband can leave early if needs be to go over to his family & you can stay at yours until you are ready to go over. And don’t feel bad about trying to make things work. From the beginning, rather than asking your MIL to change the time, you could have just said that you will be attending your families event, & you will be coming over to her house at 3:00. They should go ahead & eat without you if they like, and if they haven’t started eating by then, then great—you love joining them. Some families live in different states & have no option except to celebrate on different days or alternate years.

You should have just left it alone. Make it to who’s house house you can. Next year switch. We did the turkey trot as I called it for years going from house to house and it’s just stupid we would spend an hour at one place and 2 hours in the car. Our family has started doing it on different days which has been amazing. Or you could always host it.
To ask people to move an event at their house for you is pretty selfish

I know it’s hard to make everyone happy. Just be honest with him and let him know if he wants to go to his moms it’s ok.
Make it easy you can’t control anyone except yourself.
Let him make the decision what he wants to do and everything will be fine. Have a happy thanksgiving 🍁🦃