Trouble with Other Mothers

I would be very tempted to handle it like this:

Child A throws a wood chip at your son on the playground. You see your son pick up a wood chip to throw back. You say "Honey, we don't throw wood chips" and then in a pointedly louder voice "I know A threw one at you, darling, but we don't throw them back"

Child B takes the toy truck from your son. Your son grabs it back and B starts crying. "Sweetheart, can you use your words to tell B that you will let him play as soon as you FINISH YOUR TURN."

You're teaching your son how to handle the other kids and at the same time making sure the other moms know the whole situation. And you're talking to your son instead of having to talk directly to the other moms, so you won't be as nervous.

In the first place, it's not good to jump in every time toddlers have a disagreement or they will become whiny and expect to get their way every time if they scream and mommy comes running. They usually can work it out for themselves and they don't hold grudges at that age so unless it is getting physical and someone might get hurt, let it go and let them figure it out. If you do have to say something to these moms, just make a statement about the situation calmly, not defensively or critically but matter of factly,(Ex: Eric had the toy first but he is pretty good about sharing)and don't get stressed about it. Let's face it, some people just love to intimidate others so don't let it show even if you are...just let it roll off...if they see it's not getting to you, most likely they will stop. If you decide to get out of that playgroup, you could do what I did. I put a memo on the all county garage sale website in my area that said: Come and join my toddler grandson and I at McDonalds for lunch and playtime and put the day of the week and time. The response was amazing and there were several moms, grammas and their kids, grandkids that showed up! This way no one has to open their house to strangers, feed or entertain anyone or clean up afterwards and if you can't make it, no problem, just show up when you can.

I would try a different playgroup. Have you ever looked into MOPS? It stands for Mother's of Preschoolers. If you go to www.mops.org, and plug in your zip code, it will pull up a list of groups that meet near you. I've belonged to a group for four years now, and we have a variety of moms of different ages that join in.

My oldest son is now 4 and has also always been very non-confrontational. He has always shared, and has not ever gotten overly upset when other kids take things from him, etc. He is very shy, and now that he is in preschool this has presented some challenges.

Good luck with your pregnancy, I'm sure your son is going to be a great big brother!

S.,

OK, yes I can see where you would feel like your child is being singled out. His size and your being a young mother may be working against you. However, speaking as an older mother I think it is a mistake to assume that the other mothers being critical of your parenting skills. If they were lecturing you or confronting you directly about your son I would agree that they should mind their own business and let you take care of your child. But, you are talking about feelings and giving you looks of disapproval which is very subjective. Frankly, if I was in your place durring playgroup I would point out the behaviors you are noticing in the children. As the kids are playing if you notice the them start to argue over a toy point it out to the other mothers. Say, "I don't like the looks of that" and draw their attention to the situation before anything happens. I would much rather have someone point out what was happening in the play group than have to deal with an upset toddler.

As an older mother the only advantage age gives me is that I'm not afraid to express my opinions. You tend to develope thicker skin and worry less about how others veiw you as you get older, which can come off as being cold and crtitical. The mothers you spend time with are probably more worried about how to control their little angels than how you control yours. If you still feel that the other moms are not being fair find another group that you do feel comfortable with. Life is to short to put up with people whos company you don't enjoy. Best of Luck!

J.

Are you a member of your local Parents as Teachers group. They're run through your school district and a great resource for kids 3 and under. They have lots of great activities you can join in on for free and they even help set up playgroups.
Another place to try is MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). :)

I understand where you're coming from,except I'm 20 yrs. older than you! I had my oldest @ 23, and now we have a 4-almost 5 y.o. son. My belief that the playground is for ALL children, all ages...except when you have group of middle schoolers that are running over the little ones, then I have a BIG problem!
My experience tells me to speak up to any child that appears to be "un-attended" and correct him/her when I see bad behavior. Call me a Playground Sheriff! I'm sure I have a badge somwhere...lol. My point is watch your son, step in on any dangerous "play" and correct a child who is being a bully.Your intervention may be the ONLY discipline he gets all day....
It's easy to blame "the big kid" because of his size, but the blame goes to the parent who is not watching out for their own children. I've seen it too many times here locally. Drop 'em off, go shopping and in the meantime the rest of us moms are babysitting your wild ones whom you let loose! Speak up! Find the voice inside you that knows right or wrong and don't be afraid to speak up. Speak the Truth and Shame the Devil is my good motto! Enjoy your little guy, and the new wee one. Age is no matter, but character and wisdom is. You maybe "young" but you also may be the wisest one in the bunch!

I would honestly try another play group. Go to midcountymoms.com. I'm not sure where you live in St. Louis but they have LOTS of stuff to do- play groups/ moms night out/ etc... It's hard to parent someone else's children unless you're in a group where you and the other moms get along well. Then it's easier to guide the other children without hurting someones feelings.
By the way: I'm 24 years old and a mom to a 3 year old. I understand what it's like to feel a little out of it because of that age gap.

No one likes conflict, so maybe you can find a way to get your point across subtly (or, Southern-ly, as my mother in law says). Maybe the next time you're at the park, steer the mother of the child your son is playing with over to them to talk. Then if you notice the other child provoking your son, say something about it. I think in situations like that, parents just want to know that the other moms are watching their kids. In other words, if you're paying attention to your son, and correcting him when he does something wrong, that should go a long way to show that you aren't just letting your son run wild. If you're having a problem with a specific mom, I would talk to her about it. Sometimes parents just have different expectations of their kids, or of what's right or wrong. I know I've had those conversations with some of my friends and we've been able to work through problems like that (for example: my friend Laura lets her daughter jump on her furniture at home, but I have a problem when she does that at my house, so we've talked about that).
As for the age thing, I can totally relate. More people are putting off having children now, so I think you're in the minority if you're a young mom. I had my son at age 24. The other women I generally socialize with (coworkers or wives of my husband's coworkers) are all 10+ years older, usually with younger kids. Just remember to stand your ground. Don't let anyone make you feel that you're not equal because you're younger. Show them by your mature attitude and behavior that you're just as capable as someone who's 35.
If all else fails, I'd find a new group.
Sorry this response is so long, but hope this helps!

I see you're in Springfield. I'm in Ozark. :) I joined MomsClub, and it's been great. There are a few different chapters in Springfield. Get a copy of the Kids' Directory, and they're listed in the back under recurring activities. Someone else mentioned MOPS, too, and they will be in that list as well. If you're not happy with the group you're in, find a new one.
Don't let yourself feel bossed around, or your child, either. Just because you're young, and he's big, shouldn't hold you back. I'm 29 and holding, heehee, but most days I feel about 12, too inexperienced to know what the heck I'm doing. You might be hiding under that umbrella too. Don't be afraid to tell those moms what is happening with their own kid. My oldest boy is the tiniest kid in his age group, so my dh has been telling him to fight back (I don't agree with that, but that's a whole different subject, heh), and sometimes that's all the other mom will see, is my kid pushing back. I keep a close eye on him so I can tell them the whole story. Even if they don't believe me, I know what happened, and I go from there.
Just stand your ground, and I'd check out a different group. Good luck!!

J.

I would like to add that I think that as you get older, age become less important than character or personality in determining who you get along with. I am a 28 year old mother of two small kids, I have friends that are childless, mothers, grandmothers, and even great-grandmothers. We all enjoy each other company irregardless of age. I think you are more worried about that than the other mothers in the group.

Just try to be friendly with the other mothers and when their children act up, try to interject before things get your son upset. For example, when I see a child reach for a toy that my little girl is holding, I will say, "Brooke is playing with that right now, I will let you have a turn in a few minutes." That way you are teaching both children to share and the other mother knows what is going on if they weren't paying attention earlier.

Good Luck!