Trouble with My Sister

I have had similar issues with my 21 year old stepson. To me it is a matter of respect to at least call and let you know that she is okay and not coming home. While she lives with you it is important that you know she is safe at night. My mother had this rule - no matter what age we were - if we lived in her house we had to let her know where we were - not to control us, but to keep her from worrying that we were dead on the street somewhere.

Is this the only time she's been late? Would you rather her come in at 4 a.m.? Are you planning on treating her like she's 15? If she stays out all night and can still be there for in time for taking the little one to school, what are you complaining about? Is she not being responsible towards her family? or is she just being young and having fun without you? Do you expect her to settle down and live for you? Have you actually told her what you expect? Does she have expectations for you?

Whatever happens, good luck and just remember that she's an adult now and should be treated like one.

Maybe just talk to her about your worry, but really if she wants to stay out all night, she is 21 years old. If you feel that you need to lay down some rules, it is your house but you need to be prepared for her to move out also. She is an adult and can make her own choices. I think that she is trying to show you respect by not bringing this man to your house, so keep this in mind when you do speak with her. She may feel like she is doing the responcible thing here. If you are just worried about her moving too fast, you can't really control that and trying to will most likely drive her closer to him. Just try to stay supportive, while voicing your concerns.

Hi K.,

Why is it really bothering you? I ask because there are two reasons why your sisters recent habits would bother me, if I were in your shoes.

The first being, having recently suffered such a grave loss, I would be protective of those close to me and their safety.

Secondly, I would be challenged in explaining to my child why it's OK for the aunt to live a lifestyle that doesn't support the family's. In other words, I'm not ready to answer questions of "what's all the hype in boy-girl sleepovers".

While most 8 year olds have a general understanding, the consistency in your sisters behavor, could lead to more daunting questions.

If I could make a few suggestions, it would be identify exactly what about your sisters behavor is bothering you. Then toy with possible compromises. Try to have at least 2 (if one doesn't appeal to her then you've got a backup) keeping in mind the "win-win" result. For example: sleepovers limited to Friday and Saturday nights only. You're not worrying 7 days out the week now it's only 2.

Then, set aside some private time with her and "lovingly" express your concerns. If she had no idea it was bothering you she might offer one of the compromises you had in mind and all is settled.

If a compromise is not to be found, always remember it's your right and your luxury to make your household rules and ANYONE who lives under your roof must abide by them.

In conclusion, dealing with a situation while remaining calm has much better results that letting it ride until one day, the final straw....

One more thing, I hope I didn't offend you in anyway. If I did, my sincerest apologies. My very humble, nonjudgmental suggestions were only meant to aide in a resolution.

Respectfully,
Charolette

this could be a way she is acting out the grief of your loss. I would definately have a talk with her. If the staying out all night bothers you ask her to at least call so you know she is safe. I dont think that is to much to ask.

I would be worried if it were my sister staying out all night.

I really don't agree with what the others say. She is an adult. She is your equal. If you allow her to live with you must accept that you are not her parent. You can ask her if taking your son to school is no longer something she is able to do. If that is the case, then you will need to make other arrangements. Be her friend and her sister, not her parent. She will not like the whole "my house my rules" speech. It is not her obligation to take kids to school. This might be a really special time in her life, he might be her prince charming and you need to not spoil that for her. Good luck.

K.;

I know you are a mom and she is your sister therefore you are naturally worried over what she does and does not do. However; at 21, your sister is an adult. She is ultimately responsible for her own decisions and her own life.

What I suggest (as she is not home much) leave her a note letting her know you need to have lunch with her or dinner with her to discuss some family business (make sure to give one or two specific dates and times).

At the appointed time let her know you realize she needs to have the freedom to lead her life in her own way, but that living with a family has it's responsibilities as well. Then go over those responsibilities (i.e. being on time for taking your son to school, any chores she was responsible for, and checking in when she doesn't plan on coming home at night so the family doesn't worry). Remind her the last one is for her protection as well as she is a young single women dating in the 21st century where anything could happen and you should know when to worry and when not to.

If she tells you that she no longer wants those responsibilities keep in mind she is your sister and not your child. You might want to start looking for a good carpool for getting your son to school on time (you may even offer this as an alternative to her driving every day as well, but as it's her car and her gas you should see how she feels about hauling other peoples kids to school in the mornings, even if it is only once or twice a week).

I'm sorry if this wasn't really what your were looking for. I am so sorry you lost your parents so early in life and that you are in the predicament that you are in. I hope things look up soon!!!

I can see where you are coming from. Your sister is living with you, has some responsibilities to you and to your kids and you must feel some responsibility for her...you are after all a Mother. That said, you aren't HER mother and she is an "adult." If you are concerned about her for STD or pregnancy reasons, talk to her about those concerns. I would hate to see you have a falling-out and have her move in with this guy full-time. If you are concerned about the actual guy, invite him over to dinner with your family. Have him come over in the evenings, but have him leave at a reasonable hour. Get a feel for him (with an open mind) and then you can talk to your sister about the situation and the guy. Things to consider about their relationship...is he older, does he respect her or is he just having "fun" with her? As a married woman, these are things you can share with her to keep her informed of a man's intentions. No matter what, don't fight with her about it...we were all very hard-headed at that age and knew everything about everything...in hindsight ignorance WAS bliss, huh! Sadly we all have to learn our own lessons unless we are smart enough to listen to those who have experience...which we rarely do. Just be understanding and be there to pick up the pieces.

Your sister is young. Let her live. She will more than likey end up moving in w/the guy if she isn't coming home that often. Thats your child not hers. Try to remember that. I know its her niece/nephew but, not really her responsibility. Try to be understanding. You've met the man of your dreams. Give her a chance to find hers....

She is 21 yrs old...as long as she is doing what she says "taking your son to school ON time" then you really dont have a say if she chooses to stay out all night...if you try to push the issue with her, she may just end up moving out

My advice is to talk to your sister about the situation. Tell her you worry about her when she does not come home. If she works, make sure she contributes to the household bills if she does not already - give her something to be responsible for. Sounds to me she may be taking advantage of the situation...but if she respects you and your family, she will respect your household rules as well. I have two younger brothers who have always taken advantage of my mother's kindness and generosity since my dad passed away. They are now 25 and 33, and still to this day EXPECT her to do things for them when she is 68 and retired. I am sure you love your sister as I do my brothers, but sometimes you have to use some good old fashioned tough love. Good luck!

Have you told her that you need to have a 'sit down' talk with her and give her a specific time to be present for the talk? She's 21 years old, but you don't state why she doesn't have a place of her own. Did you have an agreement when she moved in as to what was expected of her in exchange for living in your home? If not, you should set out in explicit terms, what is expected from her (call the night before if she's not going to be home so you can adjust your morning schedule so that your 8 yr old is at school on time and you can be at work on time, for one example). There has to be respect and courtesy shown on both sides of the table. Perhaps she should look for a place of her own if she chooses to not live by your agreement. It is your home, so think about what you need her to do and tell her, so that she can be responsible. At 21, she is responsible for her actions, and if she has not previously been made to take responsiblility for her actions, she should step up now and do so.

Tell her to respect your rules or get out. Tough love.

I suggest that while your sister is living with you, that she pay rent if she is not already. That is paramount that she not be living with you rent-free. Secondly, while she is living with you, that she has to abide by your your rules, which includes she be home by ___o'clock (you decide what is reasonable). The reason for a set time, is so that she doesn't wake you or your children up when she comes in. It should be a huge concern that your sister is coming home late and making you late for work! Her social life shouldn't effect your livelihood and it certainly can if this keeps up. Also, it is not a good example for your children when your sister stays out all night. Set some boundaries. If she can't abide by them, then out she goes. It may sound harsh, but you will not be doing her any favors by allowing her to live off the dole. Good Luck and Be Strong.

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting a twenty-one year old. It is time to sit her down and have a talk. Let her know that as a member of your household she has certain responcibilities and if she isn't going to do her share then you can start charging her rent. I know that sounds very impersonal, but she is an adult, and you really can't do any more then that. I know that she is your sister and with that is a very strong bond (I know this because I have three sisters), but if you ever want her to be an independant person then you are going to have to let her mess up on her own. Just make sure that you know where the boyfriend lives and what his phone numbers are. Let her know that you won't call unless there is an emergancy, but you would feel better if you knew so that "just in case" you have everything you could possibly need.

Oh honey you have been so so kind. It sounds as though you are being a lil' taken advantage of. your sister may not even realize it. Put your foot down honey. this is your family, your life. Your child's educatin is much more important then your sisters current fling. Her irresposibility is not your problem. y aknow? i am sure she is a sweet girl just trying to figure things out but her big sister YOU has her life too. Be gentle but strong. This is your life. J.:)

Was your sister living with you before the loss of your mother? Was she living with your mother?

When I was almost 20 years old I suffered a loss and found everywhere to be but home. I worked 8-5 and then stayed out very late, though not overnight because I lived with my parents. I was running away from what I was feeling emotionally and just had a hard time dealing with the loss. I spent most of my time with the guy I was dating then. The pattern of going to work everyday and then hanging out wth him was my constant that kept me grounded. Maybe taking your son to school everyday before work is her constant.

Talk to her and let her know that you really depend on her to be on time. Ask her if she needs a break for a couple of days. Keep in mind that this is still your responsibility, even though she's been helping you out to the point that you've come to depend on it. Maybe you should make other arrangements for your son. Offer to spend some time together, just the two of you, maybe see a movie. In fact, you might get her to commit to a couple of hours each week. Don't force her to talk to you about what she's doing, but make sure that you communicate to her (in a way that she will hear) that you are available for her to be open with you. It might mean that you two just sit quiet and listen to the birds. (My mother and I just sat outside and ate watermelon in the sun following the loss of my father a few years ago. We didn't say much at all, but we were together.) Outside of that, leave her alone and let her figure out who she is in this loss. She's at a precarious age and has a lot to figure out right now, and she needs space to do that. You've got your life (husband, children, home, lifestyle), and she's trying to get hers together. If all else fails, psychotherapy is always a good idea. I pray that she will protected in the meantime.

K.
Your sister is 21.She shouldn't or you shouldn't have to feel like she your responsibility.She an adult.She is 21 and will make mistakes but in time she'll learn from them.If you depend on her to take your son to school maybe you should make other arrangements for your son that way you can stop depending on her.eventually shes going to do it again and it'll become a routine for her and a aggrevation to you.In time it'll cause a bearear And possibly a fall out and drive her to to be distant from you.As far as you being concern in her not comming home once again she is an adult,but it is your home and you CAN set the rules if she doesn't like it she can act like an adult and get her own place.

I am so sorry to read of your loss. Is this part of the reason it bothers you for your sis to be out? I understand that when you lose someone close to you, you really want to keep everyone else close too. Not knowing either of you or the full story, I can only give what I've been through and the insight I've learned from it.

My brother lived with us when he was 16 as a better alternative to living on the streets (he was rebelling and ready to just run away from home), luckily for us we did not have children at the time, but it was still rough at times. As a sign of respect, I asked that he let us know where he is so we wouldn't worry about him, but at times he took it as a control issue (mostly when he was drugged-up & paranoid as he knew us better than that, but that's another issue). We are so easy-going and just let him live his life- didn't judge who his friends were & tried to guide him, while still letting him make his own decisions. One of his bad decisions did force us to take a stand and kick him out. In some ways it was the toughest decision I'd ever made, while in others it was so easy because while I felt so stronly that I had to take care of him, I realized the importance of making him understand the consequenses of his actions and the reality that I had to take care of myself & my hubby too. It is a hard line to draw, but having cared for all 3 of my siblings growing up without our parents around, it just came naturally for me. Of course if it is a control issue for you, then sorry to be blunt- you'll have to let that go because she is 21 and an adult, whether living under your roof or not. When we care for our siblings, it's often hard to draw the line between being a parent and being a sibling. I really do feel for you.

You are both going through a rough time right now I'm sure, and I know for me my now-husband was always my rock through those times and I even knew then that he always will be. From the time we met, we were together all the time, and he was absolutely a gift to me. Not all 21-yos are partiers (I despise that stereotype b/c surely wasn't), and maybe this guy helps ground her.

Please communicate with your sister about the respect issue & keeping you worried- not to mention that you also need to make other arrangements if she will not be able to take your son to school on time.

Best wishes! Things will work out, just not always in the time or way we hope! Just remember there is a reason for everything and there is a bigger plan than ours out there. Prayers & Good thoughts coming your way!

so sorry about the long post- I tend to babble sometimes, especially when I feel so strongly what you're going through! =o)

Talk to your sister and ask her what is going on with her and her life- boyfriend, work, and school. She is 21 so maybe it's time for her to be on her own. Sorry not to sound harsh but do you really want your children influenced by her. She doesn't sound very respectful of you or your family. Your dd may start asking questions that you don't think she should be asking- sex, and why her aunt doesn't want to be there. I wouldn't be depended upon her sister to take your dd to school. She maybe look at it as a way to say Well you only need me to take DD to school and that's the only reason you want me here. The only way to figure it out is if you talk to her. Butthere is no real way to control b/c she is an adult.
Good Luck to you and your

K. sweetie your siser is now a grown woman and she should have her own place anyway.Are you trying to play mother to her?If you need her to take your son to school and she was late that means she will probably do it again so maybe you should just let her grow up and go and find another way for you son to get to school.But always be there for your sister when she needs you.Have that talk with her about what she wants to do and let her know how you feel,then you will know what is your next move.B. F.

Its your house, you have the right to make rules that the people living in your house have to abide by if they want to stay. So you could tell your sister as long as she lives with you she needs to set a good example for your children and not stay out all night. That is a bad influence to have around your kids every day. Even though she is an adult , she is choosing to live with you so that gives you the right to a degree to put restrictions on her.

I wouldn't put the responsibility of getting your 8YO to school on her either. That makes you dependent on her being there. Isn't there a school bus that comes to your neighborhood?

I'd just tell her what the rules are and if she can't live with them she needs to find her own place, she is 21, its time for her to be on her own anyway. Just talk to her, tell her how you feel, she is at the "party" age though, so don't expect a very mature conversation.

What I think about the situation is that you should remind your sister who house she is living in and that there are rule that she need to abide by. If she want to stay out all night she need to move in with him or get her own place. Teach her morals, she need to show good example around your kids.Let her know that she is still a child and if she were grown she would have her own place. But the line need to be drawn now, before it get to far out of hand.

she's 21 there's nothing that you can do, or should do! except of course don't rely on her to take your son to school or don't let her live with you if it bothers you that much! don't you remember when you were 21 met a new guy? Her mother is gone , she needs a sister and a friend (as do you) not a replacement mom. Now if her taking your son to school is part of her room and board then let her know that you need to be able to depend on her or she will need to make other arrangements as will you! sorry I know that this is not the response that you were looking for, but it is my honest opinion. You do have the right to set up a "call if your not coming home" rule so that you don't worry about her all night, but other than that, she is a grown woman ! best of luck

I am sorry that you are having to go through that..but, last year my sister who was 26 at the time came to live w/my family. It is my husband and i plus our 3 little girls...She not only came alone she came with her 2 boys... she was going through a seperation from her husband...The only problem we had was that she would not come home either after work. She worked from 2pm-10pm..I knew that i was responsible to pick her kids up and i was fine with that but, than came those days where she would not even come home..I would have to get her boys up to go to school and i was constantly calling her cell phone w/no answer...It got to the point that she would not even come home on the weekends so, i was stuck with her kids or my husband was cause we are the type of family where we take our girls out every weekend...Fianlly my husband told me to tell her that we are not a baby sitting service....She lived with us about 3-4 months doing the same thing...Anyways i fianlly told her that if she did not come home after work i was no longer going to send her kids to school...she did not believe me, so one day she got home around 8am, and she asked "why are my boys not in school?" I told her why can you not come home after work..you get off at 10 at night and come home anytime in the morning..it should only take you 30 minutes to get home from work..So i told her to get out!!! So she did, now we are no longer talking..She spread rumors about my family and said that she was sleeping with my husband..what nerve...So now she lives with my mom and dad and is doing the same thing to them but, the only difference is that she no longer works..She sleeps all day and stays out all night so my mom is the one who gets the boys up to school plus, my parents already had custody of one of her other boys...She has 3 boys in all..ages 10,8,7...Well i am sorry i rambled on and on,,,but, i guess maybe you could sit down and talk to her and TELL HER that if she will not stay at home with you than to at least be on time to pick your baby to go to school...COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!!!! Tell her that you would rather have her stay home at night with you all because, you worry about her and you would feel better knowing she is there...21 yr olds are difficult to deal with, i know but, it depends on how your sister will react to you talking to her....i wish i could give you more info..but, that is all i have to say....Sorry about your mom...May God Bless You & Your Family!!!!

Since she is 21.......there is not much you can do. The only thing is that she is living under your roof and you can make the house rules.

I would be really worried if I had someone (especially my younger sister) living with me and she didn't come home. I would like her to at least give me a call to let me know she's ok, but will not be home that night. Maybe if your sister starts to do that you will feel better about the situation. I am sure it's hard for you, but don't you think it's time to let her go a little bit. She's 21 years old. It's great that she still comes home to help you out with your son in the mornings.
Good LUCK!