Trouble Seeing Myself as "Sexual" Now That I'm a Mom

Definitely, I had a stonger libido when I was still expecting. I don't have any advice to offer, except that I hope to regain my interest once I wean my 7 month old. It's just a question of priorities and mothering is so totally absorbing.

A little about me:

37 year old first time mom to a beautiful and happy 7mo baby girl.

I totally do too! It is a weird feeling.....If anyone has any suggestions on how to change this please let me know

It took a while after my first to get back to really enjoying my sex life. I want to say about 15 or so months. I'm back to not really feeling the desire again since I've had my second child. I think part of it is being over touched. If I have that much time to myself I would rather not have some one touching me.

Hi C., I haven't experienced this myself (we were back in the saddle at two weeks), but I expected to, so I planned a preemptive strike against it and picked up a copy of Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and it helped me to keep things in perspective. Here are a few things to think about:

It may be that your view of sex is as something inappropriate or dirty. You may not feel that way on the surface, it may be deeply subconscious. And of course, feeling like a "dirty girl" and feeling like a mother (which is supposed to be a feeling of purity and the setting of moral standards) can be incompatible. It could very well be that you need to rethink your perception of sex within a marriage. And it's possible you need some professional help working through this issue if you can't manage it on your own.

Personally I see sex a few different ways. I see it as my wifely duty, but more than that I see it as a way to reconnect with my husband at the end of the day and a chance to do something purely grown-up after spending most of the day singing silly songs and changing diapers etc. I can understand the previous post though about being over touched. Here's a suggestion to help with that. Talk to your husband about it. Let him know that in order to feel like a woman for him again at the end of the day, you need him to take the baby for a little while (after he's had a chance to relax a bit, don't thrust the baby on him the second he walks through the door). While your hubby has the baby, you could do several things to renew yourself emotionally. My personal favorite is to take a long bath (during which time I read a bit of whatever book I'm in the middle of). This helps me to step outside of myself and my responsibilities a bit and come back with a fresh demeanor. I have been able to get my husband to understand that if he wants my undivided attention after the boys are asleep, I need a little time to myself every other day or so. When you put it to them in the right terms (always use first person, "I need", "I feel" etc. instead of "you need to") they almost always get it and are more than happy to give you the help you need to feel more like being intimate.

Anyways, the best advice is, talk to your husband, you two can work this out together.

Good Luck!

Hi C.,

Somehow you have lost your identity as a woman when you got pregnant and had your baby.

When you were born as a female, you were born a a sexual being. Somehow some things buried in your childhood is coming out now.

Get into a support group for moms and share with other women who are in the same situation as you.

www.childandfamilyservices.org or

Catholic Family Charities

at www.cceva.org may have some support groups for new mothers.

http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com

Good luck. I hope this helps. D.

Hi C.,

The biggest thing is if you wait until you go to bed you will be dead tired. The best thing is to get busy early. Instead of watching tv after you put the baby down be sexual first then watch tv if you have the energy. I find if we wait until bedtime I'm sleeping before my head hits the pillow. Also I know it sounds mechanical but if you're not doing it at all you have to start somewhere so mark your calendar and do it that day no matter what. Sometimes just the act will get you in the mood before you know it.

Date night once a week if you can and also a time out with the girls once a month is important.

Go to the mall and get a make over. Trying new colors and something different is always fun.

Sometime buying a new outfit isn't always the best if you're not happy with your body. So it's better to have a set day at least once a week to work out. Even if it's for 20 mins.

Finally whatever makes YOU happy you have to do it for yourself. Maybe it's buying flowers, shopping, manicure pedicure, talking with family or meditating. Whatever puts you in touch with you because if you're not connected to happiness with yourself it hard to be sexual.

These are just ideas and as everyone already said time is your best friend as well. Taking it slow because super woman is only in the movies.

J.

HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY!!!

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I remember feeling the same way when my kids were born. It's hard to feel like a sexual being when you spend so much time covered in spit up and poop and so much of your energy is spent on taking care of babies needs. Sleep deprivation from night feedings, fussy babies, and other parental duties doesn't help either. I also remember feeling overwhelmed sometimes because there was twice as much to do in half the time. Plus, motherhood means your body doesn't look exactly like it used to.

The person you were before you became a mom is still in there, so as hard as it may be, she needs a little time too. Take some time to do something you enjoy, whether it's reading a book or just taking a hot bubble bath. You and your hubby need to stay connected, too, on things that do not include baby, like talking about how you feel and just having a conversation about the news so that you both remember that you are not just mommy and daddy all the time.

It also helps to dress up and go out for a nice dinner or anything without baby. No baby talk for a few hours. It'll be really hard, but it is important. If you can, going away overnight just the two of you is nice, too. It doesn't have to be far, just to reconnect. One thing that tends to get lost in the parental shuffle is compliments. If you think he looks great, tell him. If he things that your skin is soft, he needs to tell you this (and he may need a reminder).

Hey C.... yup i know exactly how you're feeling. it took me about 4 or 5 months after my daughter was born to be able to relax and enjoy sex with my husband, and now at 8 months i'm actually getting into it again. i don't know how old your daughter is, but you're not alone in how you feel. it was a big struggle to reconcile my role as mom, wife, woman, sexual being, etc. esp when the baby is in the house and could wake up any second. I've never been one for reading/watching "adult" material... but i've found lately that a good romance novel tends to speed things along. I also make sure i get 20-30 minutes alone each day to take a long shower/bath, shave my legs, do my hair- things that make me feel feminine and pretty, which is hard some days with an infant. If you're breastfeeding, that probably plays into it as well. I stopped breastfeeding at 6 months, and that made a huge difference too. Good luck, and know you aren't alone!

I did--for a LONG time. Hard to feel sexy when you're sleep deprived from midnight feedings. However, this too shall pass (and be replaced by something new). Welcome to the Parent-hood. Meanwhile, remember to do things that make yourself feel sexy. I hated the way I looked. My body didn't bounce back like I thought it would and I was miserable. It took 4 years for the swelling to go do for me after each child, and I even had some distortion that had to be surgically corrected! (Don't panic. Everyone is different.) I tried finding new outfits that flattered my odd shape. I got a new hairstyle, when my hair started falling out. I worked out, even when I didn't feel like it. I walked. I read. I took bubble baths. I got an annual pampering session, massage & eyebrow wax. Try different scents. If the feeling lingers, and you're feeling a little postpartem, make sure you have a great support system. Networks like this will help, some. Your GYN, veteran moms, church counsellors, community counsellors, books, etc. are all great ways to make sure there's nothing biologically going on, also. Kegel exercises also strengthened my pelvic muscles and helped rejuvenate my sex drive. Vitamin supplements and iron supplements also helped restore my energy levels. Furthermore, try to rest whenever the baby rests. Most of us want to clean, do laundry, pay bills, cook, etc. while the baby sleeps. Trust me. Your house might be clean, but you definitely won't feel sexy if you keep that up. You can do laundry when baby awakes after feeding. And, don't forget the human side of yourself. Take your daughter for walks, now that the weather is breaking. Or, whatever it is that that you enjoy that you can include your baby in. Whatever it is that makes you feel like a sensual lady. Taking your infant to museums or bookstore/library storytimes for infants is a great way to stimulate your own brain while fellowshipping with other moms. Some movie theaters also have mommy and me sessions. After our first child, when I really felt low, my husband fulfilled one of my fantasies, told me to dress up and surprised me with a night on the town! He even hired the babysitter! Everytime I think about some irritating behavior of his, I remember that time and I smile. When I had my second child, I learned to implement all of the things I shared with you, and I wasn't depressed and was able to resume a normal sex life again without resenting it. I have found that when I am well-rounded and not consumed with motherhood--not to the exclusion of my children--I am a more sensual woman. When you have a newborn, there is a lot of time spent to ensure the baby is healthy. The irregular sleep patterns and overstimulation can also make getting out difficult. I didn't see how old your baby is, yet. So, if she's too young to take on the town yet, be patient, and try to carve out pockets of time for yourself at home.

You will again- it just takes time. I went through the same thing and it took a good 6-6 months to feel that way again. Part of it is your hormones adjusting and part is your new motherhood role. But don't worry- you'll be able to distinguish the motherhood and womanhood roles again.

I don't know how old your child is, but I would just say that lack of sleep and needing a break don't help one's sense as a sexual being.

My suggestion would be carving out some time to be with your husband as a couple so the time isn't always child-focused.

It's possible it's hormonal. Your body gets out of whack, hormonally speaking, after having a baby. It could just take time to readjust. You could have your doctor test you for hypothyroidism too. It's not that uncommon. I had it undiagnosed through all 3 of my pregnancies & I felt kind of like you do now after my 3rd before I was diagnosed 9 months after I gave birth to my last baby. Good luck!

It is a very common way for a new mom to feel. But please remember you were a wife first and foremost. That new precious baby is here to join YOU and YOUR HUSBAND as a couple. HE is the reason you have her, so dont leave him out of the equation. Men already get jealous as it is when we give all our attention to the baby, and then if they arent getting any sex on top of that...that can be detrimental to their emotional well being. Please remember that you are still a WIFE, and you are probably now more sexier than ever to him since you gave birth to a baby: you are way cool in his book. And he probably is dying to make love to you now more than ever. So as you indulge yourself in your new little one, take some time out for you and pamper yourself so that maybe you can feel attractive enough to give your hubby some attention as well. Even if its not on the top of your list and you arent "feeling" it, try to at least have a little sex. No one is asking you to BE sexy, or do a lap dance, or go out on a limb. Just give the man a little luv'n. :)
Let us know how things go.

hi C.,
after you're a mom what goes, more than being a sexual being, is the spontaneity. and that's okay! you can work with that. there's a delicious anticipation in planning your rendezvous with your husband. it allows you to take steps that get you in the mood, taking a bubbly bath, fantasizing, applying a little scent to the pulse points, making sure you're not utterly exhausted.
plan ahead and pamper yourself a little.
:) khairete
S.

I believe that happens to everyone. Just take your time, you are going through a big change. I don't know how old your little girl is, but it takes time to get used to being a mom. You spent nine months carrying your child and now you are her everything. You're hormone levels are readjusting, you're tired from not sleeping through the night. It will come back.

You aren't the only one having that trouble. I had the same trouble as seeing myself as sexual after I had my son, plus I was a single mom at the time. I love my son dearly but I just figured it was for the best that I didn't feel sexual and that way I could focus on just him.

Does your husband tell you how he feels? What he knows your body is? Tell him how you are feeling, he will indeed be able to help with this. I know its hard but he should be able to help you through this time. Try going out and buying yourself a new outfit that says "Yes I'm a Mom, but also I'm sexy" something flirty yet semi proper. Or go out and get your hair cut in a new style that you've been wanting to try, get a manicure/pedicure. It will help. I hope this helped some.

Hi C.

I think the previous post borught some very good points to your question. May I just add to that that having "a date night" where only you and your husband go out and have a great time, not talking about the kids, but about each other. I think this will spark some of the "sexy" feelings and remind you of the reason you are with your husband.

Remember that the best thing you can do for your child is take the best of care of her mother and father. And one of the ways to do this is by taking care of the couple.

My husband and I had a date night every week with a babysitter reserved for "until whenever". So, unless we were dead, we went out, which in many instances was a great way for us to renew our intimacy. Now that our children are all gone, we still go out and cherish those moments as moments reserved for the two of us.

I hope that this will have been useful. Good Luck

C. C.
Life Coach

I have the same problem. Though it was more serious in the beginning. I think part of my insecurity stemmed from breast feeding. I don't like my husband to touch my breasts anymore.

I think that with a little patience from your hubby, you will overcome it. It just takes awhile. The important thing is to make time for the two of you, alone time. That way you start to see yourself as a "triple threat" role, loving mother, loving wife, and sensual woman.

I have 3 kids and the thought never crossed my mind once!
Give it time and you'll get over it ;)

I had this problem too. I still don't think I'm attractive, with the saggy baby belly syndrome.

Hubby on the other hand, it's a whole different world. He's pointed out to me that me being a mom has changed HIS perspective. He's become more attracted to the women who've had kids- larger hips, more "womanly" shaped so to speak. I'd be willing to bet that your dh probably feels the same way.

My point was that while you may not look and feel like you used to, you are just as attractive and sexual a person as you were before, just in a different way. Truly, you are a REAL woman now, your body has done as it was meant to. You should consider that, and try to picture yourself that way. That's what I've had to do to regain my sense of sexuality. It's taken me a while though to get to feeling "right" about it. So, no you aren't alone- the rest of us experience this too!

I didn't really feel very sexual for about a year after I had my son. It will all come back in time. Horomones also play a big role in the sex department as well. You may want to speak with your Dr. Couldn't hurt.

33 yr old Mother of 12yr son and 8 yr girl in Virginia Beach

Look I have feeling like this as well. My son right now is 18 months. Some where in my head I think if it's not that good then I wont get knocked up. My son was a birth controll baby. So I guess it's really puting your trust in the LOrd and saying you know what I love my husband and if we end up with another baby then thats what God wants from us it's not like we do not try not to have a baby. If it happens it happens. It's the fear of being pregnet before we are ready is what keeps making me not want to be as sexual and excpecially if you breastfeed. Then why in the world would you want another person touching your boobs! Hopefully this helps some! If not at lease you know your not alone!

I know how you feel. Even when my husband touches me I sort of shriek back it's like you can't touch there our daughter still nurses. I think after a while it fades away and we start to see ourselves the way we used to though.