Trouble in Paradise

I've been married for 22 years, and the hardest years by far were the early years when the children were small. We were both exhausted, and being together was even a chore. I think I was more the one that pulled back from doing things with him, actually. We hit a point of wondering "do we keep this up or not?" I was prepared to go to counseling, but it actually never came to that. We had some very honest, sometimes difficult conversations with each other, but happily for us, when we asked each other, "Do you want to be married to me?" the answer was yes. Once we recognized that as the foundation, we were able to do what needed to be done.It's hard, though. There are plenty of times when I could honestly say, "Today I don't want to be married!" It's work to remember that those days don't have to pile up one after the other. We also accepted that we are individuals who need time to do our own thing away from the other one in the relationship. In the last couple of years, we've even done separate vacations at times. That shocks some people, but it's good for us. He runs and likes to use his vacation time to compete in track meets. He's very very good, and runs in national meets at a masters level. I'm proud of him, but I've put in 25 years on the edges of hot tracks cheering him on. It's just not my thing anymore. I'm thrilled to get the phone call from him after the race and to watch the video later! :) By the same token, I'm a backpacker, and he'd rather poke his eyes out with rusty spoons then go backpacking. Now we've agreed to have our own time for the activities that we absolutely love, and we focus and enjoy each other here at home. Works for us, especially now that our kids are grown and we don't have to worry about them every minute.

Sorry! I got off topic!

Can you try counseling? You have children, so you owe it to them to try everything possible to make the marriage work. I don't know you, so there's no way for me to say that this is just one of those lows in the high/low of marriage. But communicating with each other is key, and maybe counseling can help in that regard.

First of all I would like to ask have you prayed about your situation. I ask this because that should be your first step in resolving your issue. However if you go to your husband and ask point blank do you want to be together or not its a yes or no question. If the answer is no you cannot keep someone where they don't want to be kept. You will be hurting your children if you settle they deserve to see a loving relationship between their parents so they will know when they are older what to look for in a mate. You would tell them if they were in your shoes if your not happy move on don't settle.

J.: Hi my name is also J.. I have 6 kids and have been married for 17 years. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it is hard. It is not suppose to be all peaches and cream. Most of the days are hum drum. I often feel like my husband makes me crazy and I am sure he feels the same way about me. All good things take work. Even though my husband and I never considered divorce, we did see a marriage counselor and it was excellent. Sometimes you just need to remember why you fell in love. The everyday life can make you forget. TRY counseling it really does work and remember to communicate everything. It is worth the work to stay with the father of your children. Good Luck

Hi J.. I have the same problem, but it's in reverse. My husband is very affectionate, and I'm not. And when I feel that he's done something wrong, I punish him further by ignoring him and spending more time with my friends. It deeply hurts his feelings and makes him feel like I don't love him, when the truth is, I really do love him, I just have issues that have nothing to do with him. Now that I know this, I'm trying to work on it. Maybe your husband doesn't realize that he's making you feel bad.If you don't tell him how you feel, he won't know. Or maybe he's bored. Men do get bored very easily. This is going to sound male-chauvanistic, but maybe it's time to find a new look, or a new attitude that will boost your confidence, and maybe perk up his interest. I find that my husband is very visually stimulated, as are all men, and changing things up once in a while keeps him interested. Sometimes we get so caught up in the kids, we forget to spend time on ourselves. Good Luck.

First, I want to say that I know how you feel. My husband and I have been married for 6 years (7 in Aug & i'm 28 also) and we have had our share of problems. It was me who did't know if I was still in love with him and it was him who put everyone else ahead of me and his two daughters. Just like your husband, he would spend time with us, but I got the feeling that he would rather brush his teeth with razor blades.
I tried talking to him, but he got the feeling that all I wanted to do was argue with him and put him down. This made him pull back further. One day, just resently, I sat down and wrote him a letter. In the letter I told him what I thought was our problem and encouraged him to speak up and tell me what he thought was our problem. I told him that if something was not done that we would end up in divorce. So far so good. Things have gotten better. We have even taken time out just for us. Sort of a date night without the kids.
My first concern was, i'm sure it is yours too, is the kids. I came so close to getting a divorce. Then I asked myself what about the kids?
Now, i'm not telling you what to do, but I would sit your husband down and have a heart to heart. Tell him what your concerns are and ask him to share his with you (I know that's hard for men to do). Think about how a seperation or divorce will effect your kids and make your desision from there.
Good luck! Feel free to look at what I posted on here in January 2007.

sounds like you should show that letter to your husband. He might miss the old you (before children). my husband and i had a very similar problem and we actually seperated for a little while but we went to counsling and have been ten times stronger now. anyway what we discovered is that we never made each other want to spend time with each other and we revamped are relationship by re-dating. once every month we go on a date, we also set aside alone time and family time. and everybody benifits. even my mom because she gets alone time with her grandbabies!!

J.,
I have learned that in a healthy relationship you need to be able to communicate. Talk to your husband and be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and what you have been thinking of doing. But dont threat. If he feels like you are threating him with seperation he will become defensive. He probably doesnt know this is how you have been feeling. Talk it out and if need be talk with someone else in the room, it helps to have a 3rd party who isnt in the situation. Good luck, I wish you the best!

Hi J.,

I feel like you are living my life. I am also 28, I have 2 boys ages 3 & 5 and a stepson, 15. I work days and my husband works nights. My children are in school all day and go to a babysitter after school until I pick them up. I then go home, cook dinner, wash them up, get them ready for bed, get clothes out and ironed for the next day, etc, etc. My husband doesn't get off work until 12:30am so by the time he gets in I am sound asleep. And when I get up at 7am he is sleeping. So i do not see him all day everyday Monday through Friday. And come Saturday guess what- he is up and out the door playing basketball or hanging with his brother while I'm running around with the kids to sport practice or game. We spend no time together and he may spend a few hours of Sunday with the boys. I am frustrated. I know that the weekdays we can't change but I have told him that the weekends need to be about us and our family. He doesn't get it. I have recently started getting a babysitter on Saturday nights and going out with my girlfriends leaving him at home. I get a babysitter to show him I am going to do what I want to do and he can do the same. I know this may sound crazy but he needs to show me he wants to spend time with me and if making him a little jealous works than so be it. I know I have gone off on a tangent talking about me but I share your frustration-please let me know if anything works for you-because I may be separated soon if I don't find an answer......

Have you talked to your husband. I know that in my marriage with children it is so easy to get off track and forget why you began the journey. I often talk to my husband and try to keeo things going as if it was like the day we met. Goodluck!