Transitioning a New Baby into the Family.

This is a really stressful time for everyone and I can't imagine having a premie to boot!

We had the most success with positive reinforcement.

What helped with my kids was playing up the "special" time my son was spending with my husband (and thankfully the in-laws and my parents) over that first month. We'd say, "You and daddy are going to have a special play date" or "You are going to have a special dinner with Grandma and Grandpa." The other thing we did was ignore the negative behavior and play-up how hurt the baby must be that the brother hit/bit her. This helped my son realize that his aggression towards the baby didn't have the outcome he wanted (i.e. it didn't make us give him more attention). We also involved my son in big brother activities like helping get diapers and wipes for the baby or entertaining the baby while i changed her. He appreciated having responsibility and being included in the baby activities. We also let our son indulge in his regression a bit - he hadn't had a pacifier in 4 months when the baby came home with one. He took it and (didn't know how to use it) but tried to use it. This reignited a habit that lasted ~2 mos. We just ignored it, and mentioned every once in a while that pacifiers are for babies. Finally, I think what helped the most was how much we hammed up the fact that the baby was interested/loved/adored/etc my son. Any time my son was near, we'd play up how interested the baby was in him, and how she was watching him and really liked him... all of this starting of course long before the baby noticed him, but within a few weeks it was actually true - the baby found my son a lot more interesting than us. My son may be a sucker, but who doesn't love someone who loves them?

One last thing - once my daughter was a little bit older, I traded kids with my husband and had my own special shopping trips, park dates, cuddling with my son. My son just seemed to need help understanding what this new baby meant for his relationship with the family.

I expect you are feeling or will feel is guilt about having the second baby. In my case, I never questioned that I'd have two kids, and I always strongly believed it was best for everyone, but the hormones kicked in after the baby was born and I felt SO guilty for changing my relationship with my son, and for making him feel like "the other woman". My pediatrician reinforced all the things I knew by echoing that having a sibling is really good for your son - it helps him learn to nurture others, lead others, and gives him a friend for life. Chances are good that your son will be the first to make your daughter smile, and he will likely elicit the greatest laughs from her. Now 1.5 years from where you are, now, my kids often cuddle on the sofa during book time, and my son very warmly kisses and hugs my daughter goodnight.

Hi,
I had simular problems with the birth of my 2nd child. I received some wonderful advise from none other than my dad.
Basically he stated that I needed to put my oldest first. Now he didn't mean all the time, but there were many times that I would say "Wait until the baby is done" or "I have to take care of the baby first". Your son just like my oldest needs to feel that they come first too.
Hitting and biting are never acceptable, but did he get your attention when he did these??? Even negative attention is better then none in his opinion.
Now I am sure that you are a wonderful mother and that you love both your children equally but sometimes we don't look at things through our children's eyes. Try to see what he sees. The other mothers have already given great advise to have special time with you and dad and even grandparents, this helps.
Good luck. And remember, soon they will be playing together (hopefully):)

OK I don't have a lot of advice because I am going through a similar situation & literally just posted on my mom's group website a similar question. I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one out there with this problem. I was literally in tears all last week becuase the 2 1/2 year old wouldn't sleep therefore the newborn wouldn't rest, I was cranky blah blah blah and so many of the moms I have in our support/play group just had so many encouraging words to say. If you haven't checked out a moms group I highly encourage it. If you are interested, mine is in your area. Respond back to me through mamasource & I can give you more info. :) Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Best of luck -it's going to be a bumpy transition! My daughter (who was a little over 2 when her brother was born) really loves the book "I'm a Big Sister" by Joanna Cole. It has given her a strong sense of her role as an older sibling and a language to discuss her changing sense of self. I understand there is a big brother version of the book. My daughter responded well to the idea that she had important things to teach the baby and that she was big enough to be helpful. At the same time, however, she also needed to frequently play being the baby and to receive lots of snuggles and reassurances that she would always be my baby too.

The idea of special time is one referred to me by a child psycologist. My son (3) resented the baby and would throw 45 tantrums and bang his head on the wall. Thankfully he never hurt the baby, but would take the "baby doll" we bought him to take care of like and swing it against the wall. The special time started with an egg timer (very important). Mom and dad sat down with him and talked about the all the special time mom had with him (I was a stay at home mom- and spent all my time with him), how much I missed it, etc. We then discussed that when dad is home he will take care of baby for 10-15 minutes every night while mom and son had their special time. We'd set the timer and I'd ask him what he wanted to do for our special time--usually it was playing with his action figures or reading a story book. This way we were completely uninterrupted (which was his biggest issue). Dad did this a couple of times too, but it was mainly a problem not having mom all to himself. He understood that the special time ended after the timer went off, but I would always finish up whatever I was reading, or playing with. After about a week and a half the problem resolved itself, and was more patient with my dealing with the baby. If I couldn't get to the special time some particular evening (my husband often had to work late), we'd extend the special time the next night. After about a month it was no longer necessary as the baby was a little older and he took pleasure in showing him stuff while he (baby) sat in the bouncy chair and told him stories with his action figures. Good luck.

i had issues with my 2 year old when my baby was born too. he is hitting and bitting the baby to get your attention. what i did was, i stopped getting angry at him and giving time outs (never worked) and instead - showered the newborn with attention. constatnly asking if the baby was ok. something like this "oh my gosh, are you ok baby? are you ok? did _______ (big brother) hurt you? your brother needs to be more gentlte, are you ok?" and i would ignore the toddler. wait untill you see his reaction to that, he will come and look at the baby with you and check that it is ok. i did this for about a week (even sent him to his room for 2 minutes once) and now he is very gentle loveing and protective of her. good luck, let me know how it goes.