Transition Between Houses with a Toddler

My kids have been like this since our divorce six years ago. My older kids never did it because they never went back and forth.

Think about how you would feel if you have five days at one house, with one room, one parenting style, one feeding schedule, foods are different, everything is different then you go back? You would be crabby too!

I call it the one day detox and just try not to do anything where I can't tolerate a crabby kid in that 24 hours.

Yes, transitions can be stressful, and I agree with having quiet time when she arrives and not to ask questions. Also, a four-year-old is capable of talking with you about what she is feeling. I would suggest picking a time when things are quiet, not when she's transitioning, and talk with her about how it feels to her to arrive at your home and what you can do to help her make this easier.

I highly recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk". Kids even at age 4 can solve their own problems if we let them and listen to them.

I was divorced when my daughter was 4. Her schedule has always had her going between her two homes every two or three days. This has worked really well for us. She is 10 now.

These transitions are hard for any child, but I would imagine especially for the younger child.

Even though to you, this going to different houses has been going on for 2 years... Your child is now old enough to react to her missing one and then the other parent.

There will always be a level of stress in these transitions, unless you can come up with a strategy that allows your daughter some time at these drop offs and pick ups to transition...

Maybe she needs to be cuddled and read to, when she first comes back to your home maybe a short video..

Be sure not to ask her a bunch of questions about what she did and what was said.. Even basic questions like, did you have fun? What did you eat? That seem innocent, but it puts pressure on your child to remember..It also makes her remember she will not see her father for a week.

I was a child of divorce and my younger sister.. seemed to either have a meltdown or throw some fit, when we would come back to my moms home..

I alway felt like it was because she felt more comfortable to let out her fears and frustrations with our mom, than our dad..

My niece and nephew spend one week at their home with their dad and then a week at their home with their mom.. We never call it "dads house" or "moms house".. we call it, "Your home with dad" or "Your home with mom.".

I left my husband when my son was just a baby.
Going back and forth can be really tough, but things do get better.

I think your daughter's behavior might be completely normal. Switching gears from one environment to another can be hard. It sounds like she needs some time to decompress and it comes out in tears. She's letting it out.

I'm not saying you do this, but make sure not to barrage her with questions as soon as she gets home. Did you have a good time? What did you do? What did you have for dinner? They are perfectly innocent questions, but little kids can feel like they're being interrogated. Give your daughter time to just chill out or cry and let her talk about what she did when she's ready.

She could just be tired. I know that my ex, for some reason, felt that they had to go-go-go the entire time. My son came home worn out. He'd have a little melt down and want to lay down on my bed with my pillow. I'd give him some time to settle down and then his older sister and I would do something silly to make him laugh and all would be right with the world again.

Instead of seeing it as "damage control", perhaps try a different tactic than you are using. Give her a hug, tell her how happy you are to see her and then give her a little bit of space. I've dealt with a lot of child therapists and they say, especially for a child this age, to avoid asking "why" questions, because very often, little kids don't know "why" they do something. If you ask her why she's crying, she may not even know.

My son just turned 17 and I can tell you that things do get easier. The older my son got, the more he had some say in things. If we had family in town and he wanted to see them instead of going with his dad, his dad was fine with it. If he wanted to go fishing with his dad during salmon season on my weekend, I was fine with it. Especially now, at his age, it would be ridiculous for his dad and I to argue over such things.

Little kids feel like they don't have any control over their world. They don't have great communication skills when it comes to adult things that affect them. They all deal with emotions differently.

Let Gabby know how loved she is. Work with your ex to make transitions as easy as possible, and give her some time in a buffer zone to get reacclimated to things when she comes home.

If you are deeply concerned, you can contact a therapist that specializes in children of divorce. They can offer a wealth of support, not only to the kids, but to the parents as well. When my son was little, he had an amazing counselor at his school and she helped him so much. She helped me a lot too because I was dealing with an ex who didn't believe in counseling which is why marriage counseling never worked for us.

Hang in there. I wish you the very best.

I am confused, do you have a toddler? Another child?

A pre-schooler aged 4 does not have the verbal or cognitive skills to tell you how they are feeling and they can't deal with the emotions they are experiencing.

What this little girl is doing is perfectly normal. I would expect her to still be doing this when she's 5-6 too. If she feels stressed out coming home after having a great weekend with dad or is heading to dads when she has a party or other activity she really wants to go to but dad won't take her...kids have to learn to deal with all the stuff that goes with a divided family too. It's harder on them and it's our job to make it as easy as possible.

Just be supportive of her and tell her she's going to have fun at dad's. Help her to look forward to it and know she's going to be just fine.

It is still hard for my grand kids when their mom comes to visit. She was in rehab for a year and up to that point they had very little contact with her. So now she is out and doing very very well she sees then at least once per month either here at my house or we go to hers and visit for the weekend. They act up for at least a whole day after spending time with her.

They don't know who to mind, she tells them one thing but I may have a rule against that. Or I allow them to do something she doesn't like. This kind of stuff makes it hard on them.

They do okay though. It's gradually getting better.

IMHO, she's going back and forth too much. You need to work out another schedule that's better for her. She should have at least one full week with you and then one full week with dad. Even at that, she will never feel settled.

I have talked to kids who do the family split, and what they consistently tell me is that they NEVER feel like they're at home. As soon as they get settled in one home, it's time to go to the other.

Personally, I think that divorced people should be ordered to maintain a family home where the kids stay and the parents move in and out. After all, it was your decision to get married, have kids and then split up. Why should the kids' lives have to be so unsettled because you made bad decisions.