I just wanted to see if I did the right thing.
I've been coaching a wonderful girl for six years in cheerleading and gymnastics. In these six years her mom has been nothing but a pain. She sits outside our classes and complains nonstop about our program. So much so that the other parents have learned to avoid her. After EVERY class she has to come up to me and complain about something. It's so bad that every once in a while us coaches will sneak out quickly while her daughter is getting ready so we don't have to deal with her. She complains about the cost, mistakes in the brochure that aren't even our program (and we don't print the brochure), the gym, the coach, the class, her daughter, etc.
Every session she asks me if her daughter can move up to the next level. We move her up when she's ready, but she's constantly pushing us to have her in the next level.
At the competitions she complains about the judges. If her daughter does bad she complains to us about how we're not teaching her. She is mean to her daughter sometimes, telling her that she will have to walk home if she doesn't do well at the meet.
We've talked to her about her negativity. Nothing has changed.
We've put up with the mom for six years because her daughter is a sweetie. That is the ONLY reason.
Recently on my cheer team the mom decided she didn't want her daughter competing at a competition everyone had committed to. No reason, just didn't want to do it. She had her daughter fake an injury and lied to me about it. She said her daughter broke her growth plate in her foot. However, her daughter is not in a cast and is walking on the "broken" ankle. She refuses to have her doctor fax me an injury report.
Because of it she ruined it for my entire team. I had to re-do the entire routine and move the girls around because in cheerleading, it's important to have everyone present.
She is also blaming me that her daughter hasn't improved in gymnastics. She called me a "horrible coach" and accused me of not knowing what I'm doing. Her daughter is pushed to the limit in gymnastics and cheerleading.
With the lying about the injury, pulling her daughter at the "last moment" and totally ruining the routine my girls have worked on for months and months, and calling me a horrible coach, I have asked her to leave our program. She threw an even bigger fit, called me more names and tried to get me fired. Luckily my boss and everyone else knows what kind of a person she is.
I have taught hundreds of kids in the past six years and none of them ever had any problems with me. My gymnastics team increased from 18 girls to 40. My cheer squad won State last year.
I feel so bad for the girl. She wants so bad to be on our team, but I can't deal with the toxic mom any more! I can't have her yelling at me and calling me names in front of the entire class. I told her that I would let her stay under the condition that she have the dr's note faxed to me, that she pay for the lessons (she's been lying that her husband is out of work and she can't afford lessons and we found out it's not true) and that she stop the negativity. She screamed that she "didn't need us anymore."
Please tell me I did the right thing because I feel so horrible for the girl!
Good for you for establishing limits to another's toxic behavior. I probably need more practice establishing those limits on parents, too.
While you are not legally obligated to, you might consider making a phone call to the girl's counselor at school. School's compile a file, and this information may be useful to them. Who knows what else the mom has done.
Best,
K.S.
Actually you might have done the girl a favor-- you set boundaries and stood up to her mom--yiou set a great example. That's going to be VERY important because if she doesn't set boundaries and stand up to hert mom sometime her life as an adult will be hell!
As sad as it is, it sounds like you did the right thing. You put up with this behavior when it was only affected you and the other coaches. However, it is now affecting the rest of the girls and that is just not fair.
She is toxic. And also sounds unstable.
You did what was best for your team and for this business.. She obviously "was not pleased" so you did her a favor..
We all feel sorry for her daughter, but in reality, that is not your responsibility. Someone (everyone) needs to stand up to this woman. She gets away with this behavior, because no one says anything to her.
Yes, I think you did the right thing. I think you've gone above and beyond to put up with it for 6 years. I especially think that taking her daughter out of the competition is especially egregious and requires that you tell her no more.
As to the girl knowing her mother is the cause of this. She knows. I doubt that her mother would allow anyone else bring her. She has to be in total control, hence the negative attitude.
It's like "negative attention is better than no attention." When on can't control in a positive way, if they're immature or mentally ill, they'll control in a negative way. This woman has been in control, directly affecting everyone, for 6 years. It's good that you stopped the pain. She should not be allowed to have this much negative control.
I do feel sad for the girl. As Laurie A. said. She is not your responsibility.
I know you probably can't do this, but in a perfect world you could tell the daughter that her mother is the roadblock that's keeping her from cheer and if she still wants to be a part of the program, to get her father or another guardian like a grandparent, to come with her to the meets so mom is out of the picture. Where there's a will there's a way! If the kid wants it bad enough she'll find a way around her dipstick mother.
I would not feel bad for having to set a reasonable limit (showing up for competitions and paying for lessons are expected of all students). I can see why you feel bad for the daughter though. I don't know how old the girl is. It crossed my mind to suggest that the girl could participate if she follows the program rules and comes to class without her mom (dropped off, brought by another adult or whatever). You would probably have to spell it out very specifically in writing. But chances are pretty high that it will still cause you a lot of stress you don't need and in the end you would still end up where you are now by asking her to leave. If you are just at the limit of what you can deal with that is where you are--don't beat yourself up over it.
As bad as I feel for the girl, you did the right thing. Good luck.
6 years? I would have done it after 6 months to a year. You did the right thing. She ruined the class for more than just her daughter.
You did the right thing. As much as you want to be there for the girl, you have standards and rules. She lied about not paying. Any other parent would've been kicked out, locked out. She had her child fake an injury to prove a point. That' unforgivable.
As much as the girl wants to be in your group, sometimes the best thing for kids with parents like that is to NOT be in sports.
Here in VA we have certain 'negativity' rules in place for our sports. There is actually a form that you have to sign before being allowed to register that YOU the PARENT will be a good sport and a good team player. EVERY parent MUST sign the 'i'll get along' agreement. That means NO yelling at your kid, another kid, speaking loudly, cussing, etc. If you get out of hand they will ask you to leave the court/field/arena. You MUST leave. Your kid can either stay or leave with you. Point blank. No grey area. If the kid gets pulled its on the parent, not the coach.
She does sound mentally ill.
I'd discuss the situation with the organization's lawyer.
You are right. She is wrong. Unfortunately, that poor little girl is going to pay a lot more for having an imbalanced mother like that. The mother needs help, she really sounds irrational & miserable.
I am very sad for her daughter. I wish i had great advice. Nicole P. is right, in a perfect world someone else could take her. Every once in a while you run into these crazy moms. My oldest is in 10th grade and we have seen a few. One is in my daughters class. I avoid her at all costs. I really am so sorry that this is happening. You sound like a great coach. Someday this little girl will see what her mother is like. That is ashame.
What took you so long? You had to let them go, and now she has made the decision for you. Be glad shes gone.
you did the right thing.
Unfortunately for the girl, I do think you did the right thing. This being so difficult for you shows how much you care. I do feel sorry for the girl but the rest of the girls shouldn't have to suffer because of this one mom.
You did the right thing and probally should have done it sooner.
I know you feel badly for the girl, but you have 39 other girls to help.
You can't help everyone and frankly this girl's problems are much more serious than cheer or gymnastics.
You did the right thing. I feel horrible for the girl too, but she can blame her mom for that. You've done everything that you could to make it work.
You did the right thing. You put up with the mom for the little girls sake for long enough. There is no reason for the behavior she presented and you did all that you could to tolerate her. Some people are just toxic and can only see the world through negative eyes. You did what you could and now it is time to move on. Don't let it bother you, you gave her every chance in the world to be compliant.
I feel your pain. I work in the clothing store inside a gymnastics/dance studio. I am there every night of the week for kids classes or for work. I can only warn you that this mom will be vengeful and will do her best to get the students to go to a different studio. We had one that wanted her daughter to do more and she finally took her out. She has badmouthed the business so much and is now over the high school cheer squad. Anyone who is currently enrolled at our gym is not selected to be on the team or they are told they will be expected to take the classes at the other place. Now when one of our high school cheer squads goes to finals they win big, the local ones that go to the other studio didn't even place so the owners were vindicated. However that doesn't pay the bills.
This woman seems to want to be coddled and is opinionated. I am sure you got full of her and are feeling so much better, congratulations on getting your stress down a lot!
Our girl is on the show team, she practiced with them this summer and has not performed with them yet but will be at Christmas. She is soooo excited. One bad mom can wreck the whole team and effect the spirit. I know that our girl will move up when she's ready, I trust them to do what is best for her. She is so busy flipping down the spring floor or on the tumble trak. She is a natural at this! She totally enjoys it and I would be totally pissed if someone was taking away that joy.
You did the right thing. You put up with it for the girl's sake as long as you could. You gave more than a lot of people would in that circumstance. Don't knock yourself up about it, you have 39 other children who appreciate all that you're doing.
You cannot enable this behavior. You shouldn't have been enabling for six years. There's a small chance that getting kicked out of your program will make mom better for the next program, but it will probably take getting kicked out of several programs...
You did do the right thing. She has emotional problems, and you can't allow her problems to affect everyone. I know you feel sorry for her daughter, but you must just get past that and think of the team instead.
So sorry.
Dawn
I run a non-profit cheerleading program and coach have been for 10 years. I've been in similar situations. You have to take the WHOLE team into account. It is very difficult when you really like the child but can't stand the mom. You aren't doing the girl or the mom any favors by letting her continue this behavior. She has been getting away with it for six years and totally expects to continue getting away with it. As for the child...if it were me I would be mortified if my mom acted that way! I have very strict rules, especially for competitive season. It's my way or the highway and every parent and cheerleader signs a commitment contract so that in these kinds of situations I have written proof that all parties involved understand THEIR obligation to the team. You can't just focus on the one that got away...you have to focus on the one's you have. I would not let this mom back into my program period!
I'm with everybody else, you absolutely did the right thing. I feel bad for you and the other moms and girls on the team that have tolerated this for so long. I am glad your bosses agreed with you and supported you. Maybe this could spark a discussion on how to deal with this sort of behavior in the future. Maybe you could set some policy with your bosses so in the future, this kind of behavior is not tolerated. I am a teacher and have had many parents like this, one who was the ultimate in "toxic". You were very kind to put up with it for so long. I wouldn't have been able to.
