Torn About Divorce

My life after divorce, while financially harder, was so much less stressful.
Being in charge of my own life makes me happy.

S.,

Your 40's are even better than your 30s!!

You will find peace when YOU decide to not live like a victim - but take control and get counseling. Learn how to be strong and confident.

Let him threaten you...keep track of all of them. If you can record them - do. If he sends you letters or e-mails - keep them.

My children motivate me.

ONLY YOU can make you happy. That responsibility lays solely on you. You don't NEED someone to make you happy. YOU need to do that on your own. Start keeping a gratitude journal - to help keep you focused on the positives in your life.

Get active in a church. Remember that God is on your side and will be there for you. Attitude is everything.

I always snort/laugh when I hear people say that they're mourning the loss of their 20's and call them "the best years of their life."

No, they're not, so just get that out of your head now.

The best years of your life are the years you are alive, the years you're working to be authentically happy, the years you aren't married to a man who threatens you and would have you feel bad.

The best years of your life are coming up.

Get some counseling for yourself. Work through the fleas and anxieties that you're dealing with. Remember what it feels like to be YOU and be able to choose and do and be yourself.

It's going to take time to wade through this, trust me. I've been there. Don't go jumping into a relationship. Don't go sleeping around. Work on you and your relationship with God. Make goals for yourself and achieve them. Find your happiness and self esteem in what you do, not what others can do for you or say to you.

You will find peace. God will show you how. Seek after Him and you will find yourself.

Omigosh, S.! Your 20s to 30s are NOT your best years. Trust me, you have SO MUCH good stuff ahead of you. Good for you for getting out of a bad marriage. You'll be that much stronger from now on. SO many opportunities, without a bad husband holding you back. Your entire future is open to you. What a gift!

So many people think that they wasted time on a failed marriage, you hear it time and again as they say they "wasted the best years of their life". To that I say "HOGWASH!". First off, your 20s are not the best years of your life, as an almost 40 something I can tell you first hand life continues to get better and better as you age and gain more clarity about your past. Rest assured your best years are yet to come!
Many people have the idea in their heads that a failed relationship means it was a waste, but a relationship does not have to last forever in order for it to have been good and worth while. Sure things ended, but look back at the good memories you do have with him, and about all the things that relationship brought to your life, from new friends and family, traditions, laughs, and most importantly, your children. Though out our lives relationships will come and go. Lovers, friends, they will drift in and out of our lives, but each one leaves a little something special behind in our memories and our love for them. I know change is scary, it always is, but sometimes that change leads to new and exciting things and adventures!

I got married the first time at age 30 and divorced at 40 and happily married again at 42 when I thought I would never marry again. I had a 4 and 7 year old and thought it was going to be just us. Well, I have never been happier! I love this man more than anything and have a great life.

Life is ever changing. You do better when you know better. Just focus on getting through the divorce and getting your life situated. And I would suggest counseling for you and your kids, if you have them. Divorce is hard, but definitely not the end of the world. Good luck!

Your 30s are better than your 40's and the 40's are better than your 30's. That's how I feel anyway.

I don't know what you mean by threats by your ex, but that needs to be stopped. If he's just being a jerk, that's one thing, but if he's behaving dangerously, you shouldn't let that go on.

Give yourself time to heal. Don't rush into a relationship. Get to know yourself. Take classes. Figure out what YOU enjoy.

Start looking towards the positive! You are still SO YOUNG. Make the most of any freedom you gain. You will have many opportunities for happiness ahead.

While I know that church/God is not the answer for everyone, I agree with the essence of Christy Lee and Wild Woman's answers.

I'm so much happier now (40s) than I was in my 20s. I think that a lot of this has to do with my own self-confidence and acceptance of myself that came with those years. Your 20s are not the best years of your life. You have so much happiness left to experience, if you open yourself to it.

Please, do anything you need to do to make that happen - and start by getting some counselling. And also find something that you like to do, and do it - take a class at a community college (something fun, like art or gardening), if you like to read, find a book club through your local library. Find a moms group and go with your son. If you like the outdoors, look into parks within a driving distance, and every Saturday take your son for a hike, or even just a picnic lunch, a different park every week. Nurture your friendships with other women - if your son will spend every other weekend with his dad, call a friend and ask if they want to go out (or come over) for a cup of coffee on that day - if you don't feel like you have any close friends, invite a neighbor or acquantaince and maybe you'll make a new friend.

So much of your life for the past 10 years has probably been spent trying to make your husband happy - now it's time to make yourself happy! Please do it.

I sent flowers to most of the moms who responded here. Thank you, all you wise moms with wise words. I am not in the same situation but even then, your advice applies to everyone seeking strength and some new direction in life and needing a little encouragement.
And I am sorry you are going through such anxiety but truly this could be a positive step in the future. Best wishes.

I have not been divorced. But I have to say that there were times I was thinking of it.

First off, take some time for you. Find out who you are and what you want to do in life for you. Make a list of how you want to achieve those goals and do them. If you want to take a trip to Europe or wherever, you want to learn how to sky dive, you want to make a cake -- just do it.

You will find new friends through what you do. The peace you have will attract people of likeness. Remember the saying about being around positive people makes you a positive person.

Take your time dating. When it's time you will know. By then you will have a better knowledge of who you are and what you will and won't put up with. Besides 20s are just the beginning of your adult life. When you hit your 40s and 50s life is great. The 60s are more fun and another time of change. Enjoy the moments and enjoy life. Life is a journey and not a race.

the other S.

Oh how I wished for some good advise.. Here it goes.. be there for your kids, provide a safe, stable and loving home. When it comes to the kids.. if it will benefit them, do it.. even if you don't want to do a favor for your ex. When the kids are gone do stuff to make YOU feel better, nails, hair, massage, work out, hike anything physical. Turn off social media.. it's just noise. DO NOT GET IN TEXTING/EMAIL wars, keep it specific to questions about the kids. Even though it's really hard .. do not respond to threats. Do NOT talk bad about your EX, be the better person in each situation.. I litterally did not talk directly to my ex for a year.. other than hello and goodbye.. Surround yourself with POSITIVE people, when you hang around others that love drama .. misery loves company and festers hate and anger. Realize your human and you will make mistakes, it's ok.. just get back on track. Dating others for you and your Ex will be different.. I have chosen to make my life with my son about my son and my life when he is with his father completely seperate.. that is a personal choice, just sharing what works for me. Hang in there it's a hard road but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Even after we separated and were going through the process, I was afraid and timid. I can still remember the first time I said "No" to anything. I literally felt like a butterfly coming out of a caccoon: stretching, feeling my wings. It was the first step in the right direction and it was amazing. Do get counseling. It will help you get stronger, feel confident. Surround yourself with positive women and people who will support you and your family. (I assume you have children?) Don't ever bash your ex to your kids. They know the score and will make their own decisions and you don't want to taint their relationships (in either direction). Do your best not to use your kids as your therapist when things get tough and don't talk to them about your financial situation when they are small, but be as honest as possible based on their ages.
Some of the best advice I received is to make the decisions that are best for me at the time. Because I love my kids and they come first, the decisions I make for our family always have their interests first, but you can't second guess your decisions later. If it was the right decision at the time, then it was the right decision.
It's ok to make mistakes and it's ok to take time for yourself. Make your home a haven for you and your family and you will create peace. It doesn't need to be big and fancy, it just needs to be warm and inviting and safe.
I was your age when I divorced and I am in my mid-40s now. My kids have been through a lot and are some of the happiest, most well adjusted, kind and caring people I know. They understand what's important and they understand what family is and how to think outside of themselves. Your best years are definitely ahead of you.
(PS - as far as the threats go that your husband is making, document everything and don't feed into it. Your attorney may need the documentation later and if not, at least you are protected. Don't let him get your goat, don't let him manipulate you into an argument or worse in front of the kids. A therapist and your attorney can help you stay focused and protected.)