My son and I went to our first ever ECFE class this week, and I am really wondering if we should even keep going to it. The basic routine [at least what was done on the first day] is to wash our hands when we first get there, start the group by quietly reading books in a circle, then sing songs while sitting in the circle, then play in the playroom for a little bit [this would usually be when the parents go away for 45 minutes or so], clean up the playroom, wash our hands again, sit down and have snack while listening to a teacher reading a book, then there is a set time to play with bubbles, clean up again and say goodbye.
My son just turned 20 months and is a VERY spirited child with an extremely short attention span. When we got there and went to wash our hands, he wanted to play with the water but fought with me to wash his hands with the soap and to dry them off and leave the water. He would not sit with me for books, he would not sit and listen to the songs [he wants to run around and explore and get into EVERYTHING]. He liked the play time of course, but ran out of the room a few times which means I had to chase him down [also a fun game... and he is fast!] and bring him back into the room. He put up a huge struggle during cleanup because he did not want to stop playing with the toys. Another huge fight to wash his hands before snack. Kept getting up from his chair during snack. He liked the bubbles of course, but then putting them away at clean-up was another huge struggle. When everyone was leaving, it was hard for me to even get my bag and our backpack because he kept running away from me and out of the room. Finally one of the teachers held him so that I could put the backpack on and grab our stuff as he screamed and tried to wriggle out of her arms. On our way down the long hall heading toward the exit door of the school, he ran ahead of me [he refuses to hold my hand so I either have to let him run around or carry him the whole way fighting- the school hallway seemed pretty harmless] and then he ran into a boy's bathroom and when I got in there, he was sticking his fingers into the drain hole of a urinal. He did not want to leave and threw himself on the floor and made himself heavy...so I carried the backpack, my purse, and a 35-pound toddler fighting me all the way to the car and to top it off, he then hit me because he was frustrated that he was getting strapped into his car seat. What a night! I'm honestly scared to bring him back there. I thought that this would be a good age for him since he is just starting to talk. I was hoping that it would be a good learning experience for both of us...but I don't see him learning much when he can't even sit still for 30 seconds. Should I pull him out and try again next year [assuming he calms down a bit by then!] or should I keep going and see if he changes? I'm worried about how hard he will be for the teachers to handle when we leave the kids for the parents-only part [we didn't do that for this initial meeting]...and how much attention he will be taking away from the other children because he is such a handful. For those of you who have had spirited toddlers- did they ever calm down? Or should I prepare for the long haul?
He is otherwise sooo much fun, very humorous, very sweet and affectionate at times, very intelligent and pretty advanced in his development. He could hold his head up and bear weight on his legs by two weeks old, started walking at 8 months, was running by 10 months, has always been far ahead of the developmental milestones in the books and that his doctor asks about at the well-child visits...although he has been a little slower with speech [he only says about 30-40 different words on a weekly basis right now and most of them he cannot enunciate well]. I think the problem is that he is bored, he needs constant stimulation and is so desperate to explore and learn everything on his own, right this instant. He plows through one activity, and moves right onto something new. How do I slow him down and engage him and keep him interested?
Keep going!
That sounds like pretty normal behavior for 20 months - that's a tough age. And it's ECFE - the teachers have seen it all before. They will have all sorts of tricks to help him learn how to be a good friend and playmate.
You'll learn SO much, too - and you'll get a much-deserved break to talk to other adults.
I agree with the recommendation to read Raising Your Spirited Child if you haven't already. You are NOT alone! There are others of us out there with spirited kids. Keep going and talk with the teachers about it. Also, see if there is a class especially for spirited children. It will get better! My son started mellowing out and listening to directions better after he turned three. Before that, everything was a tantrum. He is worse when he is overstimulated (like a class or the zoo)or when expectations are different than what he expected. A lot of the problems you described were transitions. Try warning him about transitions before they happen and give him time to adjust. (Ok, we are going to blow the bubbles three more times, two more times, one more time. Time to do something else fun. Bye, bye, bubbles!) Don't compare him to other kids - it will just make you both miserable. It isn't your fault, or his for that matter - it is just the way he is. Someday these traits will help him be successful. Just do your best to keep you both alive until then. :) Don't give up! Keep going to class - you both need it.
A.
K.,
I have been attending ECFE classes with my girls for the past 5 years and have met all kinds of kids. I think the only reason anyone should pull their children out is if they are harming or bullying other children.
His behavior only sounds like he wants to have as much fun as humanely possible. The teachers are skilled in dealing with kids that need redirection. He may just need a couple weeks to get the routine down and may just surprise you. Just remember if you believe he will succeed (and throw in a few encouraging words).. he probably will!
C.
Definitely keep going. He will adapt and maybe even calm down. You might be surprised how he acts when you aren't there too! I have 2 kids in ECFE right now and both have surprised me. The teachers there are well trained and will work with you on correcting his bad behaviors. Just discuss it all with them and see how they want to handle it.
Good Luck!
I agree with everyone else. Keep going to ECFE!! The teachers are all trained and have experience with so many different kinds of kids. If this is his first time going through a classroom routine, it may take a while for him to get used to it and be able to participate. ECFE is such a great place to connect with other moms (and dads). I would talk with your teachers and tell them your concerns and ask them for any ideas on how to help your son adjust to this new routine! Please, please keep going! You'll really enjoy it!
It sounds like your son would do well to get into a routine which compliments the class, at least a bit. Since he fights handwashing so much, you should do this consistently at home (might as well, with the H1N1 flu pandemic) so it's normal and not something to fight. Same with reading. Not all at first, but a little at a time. I have a friend whose son was like yours (as much as I can tell) and he did have a sensory issue, so it's something to think about.
Keep him in the ECFE! It will be good for him to see how the other kids do things. It will also be good for you to have a little grown up time. My son is like your son, except my son is tiny and fast. He climbs into the tiniest places... He is 3 now and things are somewhat better. Two was tough, but I signed him up for a two year old preschool (1 hr week) in my neighborhood and that was very useful for us both. He is just revved up all the time, and I think the best I can do is get a break, and find lots of chances for him to explore. I never thought I would do this, but we got him a "leash" after a couple of scary incidents of him running off. It is the backpack stuffed animal type. It did wonders for my sanity. Other people sometimes looked at me funny, but plenty of people would tell me they once had a small child like that and they totally understood the necessity of it. Anyway, it sounds like you are doing a great job of being a mommy. Feel free to contact me if you would like to. M.
Oh, you have your hands full!
I think you should keep going, at least a few more times. If he's bright and bored, it's possible he'll get some good stimulation and challenge from this, and it's also quite possible he'll settle down as he gets used to the routine.
I think your son could use some ECFE, some structure, some rules, some manners, some classroom directions, some friends so keep sending him, he'll eventually come around. He's not gonna get any better at home.
Maybe you need to put your foot down with discipline and give him expectations of his behavior before you leave the house.
That is exactly what ECFE is for -- To give kids and parents a head start; to find out what the a child's strengths and challenges are and support BOTH. Give it a few more tries. Make sure he is well rested, fed, etc. before you go. And consider going for a 1/2 session and work your way up to the full schedule. It sounded to me like that is a lot of stop and start activities crammed into a single session. No wonder he was frusrated. My 4 yr old still finds it hard to stop doing something he is enjoying and start doing something he may not be so thrilled about.
I have two spirited boys, and I think they are the type of kids who need ECFE classes the most. Don't stop going! You will learn a lot, get a break and he will have some good opportunities too. The ECFE teachers should have experience dealing with kids like him. My boys were very similar to yours at that age. They are now 13 and 10. The 13-year-old mellowed about age 5-6 and is a very well-behaved, respectful 7th grader (except for teasing and antagonizing his brother!). My 10 year-old is still fairly spirited, although he has calmed down in many respects, and we are still working with him on some issues and teaching him to deal with his "spiritedness." Although there are times and days when it is hard to see, there can be many advantages to having a "spirited" personality and most kids just need to learn to appropriately channel their energy, curiosity, etc. When I was taking ECFE classes they actually offered one on spirited children. I highly recommend you check out Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, "Raising the Spirited Child," if you haven't already done so. She also has a workbook to go with it. ECFE classes saved me on many days when my kids were little! Enjoy and take advantage of them!
I would say that ECFE is actually what your son needs. A little structure at this age will help him later. I know it may seem hard now and all the parents are wondering why you can not control your child... but just imagine if you waited another year and nothing changed.
I have been in your shoes. You could be describing my soon at that age. And you should absolutely continue with ECFE. Just don't expect perfection, it will be a process for you and him. Some helpful hints:
1) identify 1 or 2 rules/expectations that you want to focus on with him. Remind him of the rule before you enter the situation. For the ECFE I would start with your expectation for when it is time to leave. Transitions at this age are really hard and the ECFE teachers know that, ask for their advice on what they have seen work.
2) Get to class early so he can explore a little before sitting down for circle time. Don't fight circle time, most ECFE teachers will encourage kids to come to the circle but won't force the situation by getting into a power struggle. Just keep him from being disruptive to the other kids and expect a little more circlee time from him each week.
3) I also had the kid who would bolt from me at that age. It does get better. But again, state your expectation clearly ahead of time. He needs to stay with in a certain distance of you and if he runs when you tell him to come, then he WILL HAVE to hold or hand or be carried. He is not to young to start learning to make good choices or have a clear consequence.
4) If he kicks, screams and hits (also my son at that age), just remove him by carrying to a quiet place until he can calm down. Don't feed into it by getting upset. And know that many, many of us have been in your shoes and understand.
Also watch for signs of sensory processing disorder. Many spirited, highly intelligent kids have difficulty in this area. A couple great books if you haven't already read them are:
Raising Your Spirited Child
The Out-of-Sync Child
Both are great resources...good luck. It does get beetter with time and patience. My son is now a 1st grader who gets high praise from his teacher for his good decision making and self-control. But I have to admit it was a long road at times.
I just have to say what a relief that I'm not alone! And I'd say keep it up. I took my son to the night play group which is structured as well and he improved with each visit. Talking to the instructor really helped. We're starting regular ECFE next week. Best wishes!
